Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.
And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.
I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!
So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.
I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!
No comments:
Post a Comment