Let the new era BEGIN - thank GOD!

Well, I got the call I was hoping for yesterday - I was offered the BA position at GCU. YES! Not only that, but they are offering more $$$ than I actually asked for - $75K instead of the 70K I asked for. What a blessing. You know, it's kinda' funny : I have had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to the top of my monitor here for some time now, and it really seems to have come true. It reads : "No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this year." Indeed, there were many obstacles to success this year : the loss of merit increases at Banner; the difficulties at BGA; the loss of that job and the extended (for me) 5 weeks of unemployment; the loss of ambition for coding here at Sage, no doubt hurried along by the extreme micro-management John practices; the searching for a BA position with no real, extended experience as a BA. I mean, if those aren't some obstacles...!

Yet, through it all, it seems as though I have come to a place that I thought I might not be able to reach - a place of finally being able to make a career change, and miraculously, with no seemingly ill effects or major disruptions to my income. For awhile there, I had almost completely given up on being able to do so. In fact, I was even applying for help desk positions - ones in which I would have made half of what I do now - just to get out of coding. And here I sit today with an offer for more than I am currently making, with a great company, with awesome benefits, and in the field of education. Does it get any better than that?

Of course I realize that there are still many challenges to be faced on the road ahead. There are many unknowns that I will have to contend with. And there is no certainty that I will like working at GCU, or even like being a BA. But I just keep thinking of the fortune stuck on my monitor. It has become a mantra to me, and I actually find myself repeating it at times, reminding myself of the hope it holds. Something tells me that 'this year' is going to become every year, as I plan on keeping that little fortune cookie fortune and instilling that mantra deep within my psyche. It's about time for me to enjoy some success and be able to navigate the obstacles to get there. Of course, I don't do any of it alone, and I am very grateful to my HP for always being there for, and with me. 

Movin' on - hopefully soon

Over the course of the last month or so, I have solidified my belief that I don't want to be a code monkey anymore and taken the first steps to actively seeking a position as a business analyst. There have a been a number of days recently when I have just not wanted to come in to work, and when I do, I can hardly stand to think that I have to sit here at the PC and code all day - again. So, instead of just whining about it and hoping things will magically change, I sent out some emails to recruiters I have worked with in the past asking about BA positions.

I got a bite quicker than I thought I would and actually went on an interview yesterday for a junior-mid level BA position with Grand Canyon University. The people I interviewed with seemed super nice, and I am hopeful that I will get an offer. The benefits are excellent, and both of the directors I talked with, one of whom I would be working under (they actually have 2 positions open, so I could end up working for either of them) seemed extremely friendly and honest. I was thinking I might hear something today, but if not today then definitely Monday. Of course me, being the ever-patient person, am ok waiting as long as I need to... Ha ha ha! In all reality though, I am ok if I don't hear back today. I have a job, and although it's not what I would prefer to be doing, it isn't unbearable either.

The nice thing is, if I don't get the position at least I know that there are some positions out there for which I might be a good fit. And there are some hiring managers who will be willing to interview me even though I haven't been in a pure BA position before. I have also learned that I actually did do a lot of BA-type duties when I was at Banner, and even when I was at Blue Cross Blue Shield - I just never really thought about them that way. I am going to re-do my resume' if necessary to highlight those skills and am positive that I could get something.

And as much as I convinced myself a year or 2 ago that I wouldn't be happy in a BA position - probably more as a means of coping with the fact that I didn't get it (at Banner) - I know see that it is a much better fit for my personality style and offers a much clearer path to upper management or other advancement opportunities. It seems to me that sitting in a cube coding, I am never really going to go anywhere. And knowing developers like I do, I have no desire to be a director of development. I don't think I have thick enough skin and the mettle to do it without just hating it.

It feels good to have finally made an actual decision about this, as I have been pondering it and going back and forth for some time.  Most people I have talked to in the field have told me that I ought to stay in development, that the job security and demand is better, and that it's harder to find someone who can code than it is a BA. That caused me to tell myself a lot of fear stories, which in turn kept me from pursuing it further. Bit I remembered something someone told me along the way - and that is that no matter what you do, if you are passionate about it and do it with excellence, you will always be able to get a job. Not only that, but  I believe that doing something that is actually enjoyable, or allows me to utilize my other talents such as writing and speaking will open up several doors and opportunities that would otherwise go undiscovered.

I am honestly thinking I am going to get an offer from GCU, be it today or Monday. So I am not going to go too far into "if I don't...." just yet. Instead, I am going to be patient, think positive, and enjoy my afternoon. I am looking forward to spending a nice weekend with my fiance', and life is really good - way better than I could ever have imagined it would be at this point in my life, especially considering the 17 year 'detour' I took! Lol! I am grateful to God, the Universe, my HP, and whoever/whatever else might be responsible for the Grace I experience in my life. Blessed, I am, and my gratitude is unending : )

Revelation.. about development

So I originally put this in an email to Deb, but it was so profound, I thought I ought to capture it for posterity :

You know, I have had a bit of a revelation this morning, and I thought I would share it with you : I have noticed since I have been a developer that communication, most of the time, really sucks between coworkers in this position. I can’t count how many times I have sent out an email to an entire team – in this case, more than 20 people – and had either no one at all, or if I am lucky one person reply to it. I always wondered to myself, why is that? Surely at least 2 or 3 other people out there know the answer I am looking for, or at least have some insight they could provide.

This morning, while pondering that and thinking at the same time what a man crush BB has on the jscript guys (at least the one for sure) it hit me – no one wants to reply because they are afraid that they will say something, no matter how small or insignificant, that will make them look stupid, or at least “not as smart as”, and in this job, everyone is scared of that. There are those few people who just don’t care, and they are the ones that tend to reply and be helpful. But the majority all want to be seen as super intelligent so that, if they can’t be the “chosen one”, the one the boss loves, they can hopefully at least avoid being someone the boss constantly patronizes and talks down to because they have been exposed as not knowing everything. And so in playing favorites, and worshipping those who do things that wow them while patronizing, marginalizing and talking down to those who don’t, bosses create an environment that does the exact opposite of fostering collaboration and creativity. Instead, it creates an atmosphere of competition and self-protection where people hold back on being helpful for fear of being “exposed” as being fallible.

Big news! We got engaged. But this post is about coding - ugh

Ok, so I would be a horrible excuse for a romantic if I didn't first announce that I asked Debbie to marry me on Oct 19th, and she accepted. So we are now officially engaged. It's funny - I read that last post, and thought, "kind of ironic to be posting next that we are getting engaged!" Lol. But, to her, and our credit, we went to see Diana, learned some new communication techniques, and have really been working to improve our communication. There have still been some rough patches, but there has been improvement too. And I do love her with all my heart - no woman has ever made me laugh as much as she does, and none has made me as happy. That, combined with the fact that she is willing to admit (eventually! Lol) that she was wrong and work to improve it. And of course it doesn't hurt that she is absolutely beautiful, and we have an awesome sex life! haha

Having said that, and been a good boy, I now want to go on to the big conundrum I have been dealing with for the past year or so, and especially over the last 3 or 4 months : I AM SICK OF CODING! There, I said it. I am tired of sitting in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer screen, and typing lines of code in to make it do stuff. I am tired of working on something so utterly complex - as the current product I am working on is - and at the same time so completely boring. I am tired of having to think so hard all the time to produce what, to me, is so ungratifying. I feel exaclty how the main character in Office Space felt - or pretty damn close anyway. I am thinking that a stint at Taco Bell or Wal Mart would be pretty awesome right now.

Much to my dismay, I have been finding out that it is not so easy to move into some other role in IT, such as that of a business analyst or something. I tried at Banner, thought I would be a shoein, and was told that they wanted someone with more actual BA experience. I have reached out to some recruiters to let them know how I feel, and only one has actually gotten back to me with any real interest. I even went to DeVry awhile back and spoke to Paul, one of the career counselors, only to have him convince me to stay in development. But I don't want to! Bleh hehhhh!

Thing is, the money is decent. And the job demand has been steady, even when the economy is bad. I am very gratful for that and know that there are a lot of people out there that would kill for that - so I can't really "complain" per se. But I am beginning to think that all of that is not really as important as my overall life satisfaction is. Heck, I had more job satisfaction when I worked in the warehouse at Galco. There were days I would come home tired, from a job well done, and know that I had actually done something. In this job, as so many others, the kudos are few and far between. And when there is not that feeling of a hard day's work, and some visible result that actually means something - well, it's just not satisfying.

So what the hell do I do? Well, I am in communication with one recruiter who seems to be at least a little interested in helping me out. I am also seriously thinking about posting an ad on craigslist or something like that advertising myself and what I want. And I am also thinking about going back to school next year, and to get a masters in something that will get me out of the heads-down coding that I have come to dislike so. And, a little prayer or 2 wouldn't hurt, I'm sure.

I have faith that something will eventually come along. I have the love and support of a good woman, and the reassurance that when we are living together, I won't need to make quite as much as I need to now. So it will work out - I know it will. I just need to be patient, have faith, and keep trying. If all else fails, I might need to call in some lingering "Burrito Master" favors! Lol

How much is enough?

I know I'm really down when I don't even want to expend the energy to write about it. And I am really down today. Debbie and I have fallen into a pattern where, almost every Saturday night, she hits me with some "surprise" nugget of information she wants to talk about, and most often, it is something about how I'm not doing enough to show I love her, or I have said or done something that made her doubt, or something to that effect. It has led to several horrible Saturday nights in bed, where neither of us gets much sleep, and we both wake up feeling icky. Inevitably, we talk it over, and go on with the day. She seems to be able to get past it quickly. But because it always seems to be about ME, and what I am/am not doing, it lingers, and I end up feeling down Sunday, and most often times Monday too. Like today.

This last Saturday  (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.

So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.

She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.

Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.

Now what pissed - and pisses  - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.

At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.

But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.

We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.

I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.

The year of my battered self-esteem (as far as the career goes anyway)

As good as this year has been in some respects - mainly, my relationship with Debbie - it has been incredibly difficult in other areas, particularly as far as my self-confidence in my professional abilities goes. I suppose I ought to give the "rundown/"

I think it really started when I was still at Banner, and a lady who was a bigwig in payroll or something lit into me in a meeting about the Better Together campaign after it was over regarding some issues that surfaced. Her name was Lisa Davis I think, and in a meeting with her, Camille Horn, Jennifer and Dawn, she RIPPED me, basically calling me out and blaming all of the issues on me. I was really expecting someone to stand up for me and defend me, especially after all I had done to ensure the success of the campaign. But that did not happen. I was basically left sitting there, getting ripped, and it felt horrible. My boss Al said that I shouldn't worry about it, that she didn't write my reviews, but it still stung.

I ended up leaving Banner for what I thought were "greener fields" at a company called Black, Gould and Associates. And right up until they told me I wasn't the "type pf person they needed," I thought things were going great - or at least well. Then, one Friday, Cindy called me into her office and asked me how I thought I was doing (I had been there 2 months at that time). I told her that, all things considered, I thought I was doign well. She then proceeded to tell me that she had different thoughts, that they had expected more from me, that they thought I was going to put all kinds of "bells and whistles" on their website, that I wasn't the "type of person they needed." I was totally taken aback, as they had given me no previous indication that they felt this way. She even brought Paul in to talk it over too, and he proceeded to basically tell me (in not so many words) that I was incompetent. That Monday, I was gone.

And I remained unemployed for an unprecedented 5 weeks. It turned out that while I thought I was quite a hot commodity, and that the skills I had learned were very valuable, I seemed to be lacking a LOT of skills that employers want. I went on a number of interviews and started to wonder if I was going to get a job at all. There were a couple of times when I really struggled to keep at it, to keep looking. But it seems that the Universe was looking out for me, and out of nowhere, I got an email from an internal recruiter from the company I now work for - Sage. And within 3 days of getting that email, I had been offered, and accepted a position.

So all is well, right? I feel good now, right? Well.... For starters, the software product I am working on is very large and complex, and it is really shedding light on some areas I don't know much about - TFS, unit testing, release builds, Q and A, etc. I am used to building websites which are pre-compiled and then published to a web server. And this is a WHOLE different animal. A bigger, more complex animal. And one that has behaviors and systems I have not seen before, like it's own IDE that is used to build and deploy the website. But I have done fairly well (I think) at getting up to speed. That was, until I started this latest training class Monday.

It is supposed to be a 3 day class, taken online with a virtual PC to do the exercises, a chat client for questions for the instructor, and a series of videos along with a pdf workbook for learning. I started yesterday, and worked steadily through the day, only to find that I had fallen a little behind the agenda. Not to worry, as they (the instructors) said that the agenda was merely a "guideline". Cool, I would catch up today I thought.

And then, shortly after completing the next exercise or 2, I ran into a major issue - the web page that I had been working on, and desperately needed to display, wouldn't : it kept saying something about a missing resource file. So I told Jason, the trainer, and he told me to close and reopen my browser. I did - no luck. He told me to delete all the files in the local www directory for the site I did - no luck. I told him, and he said to simply "delete the page", and that it shouldn't take that long. The page he was talking about had all kinds of stuff attached to it - there was no way I could just delete it. He didn't seem too concerned, and even got terse with me one time, saying "IISRESET" through chat. Not cool.

I got pretty stressed and pretty upset, as he basically told me he didn't know what happened. So I decided to do a restore back to a copy of the VFS that set me back about 4 hours, at least. I rushed through today after FINALLY getting the thing straightened out again, hoping to make up lost ground. But I could only do what I could do, and so I emailed Jason telling him that I was really behind and that I didn't know how I was going to finish the training. To which he replied, "I don't know what happened, but you need to finish the training and complete the assessment." Wow, thanks. Nice, I appreciate that.

Now what makes this all a little extra weird is the fact that he is an instructor at DeVry, and he knew of me, as I knew of him, although I had never taken any classes that he taught. I thought that might kind of add a bit of comraderie between us, but it seems like it is making him be a bit of an asshole - similar to the experience people have when they work for one of their parents - they are much harder on their kids than they are on others. I can't imagine he would be this way to some outside person taking the course.

And all that was enough. But then, in the chat window at the end of the day, some other guy is asking questions about the final project?!?! How in the HELL can that guy be that far already I'm asking myself...

CONTINUED - it's Friday now, I finally completed the course yesterday, and have been battling with depression and anxiety all week. I actually made an "emergency" appointment with Diana Tuesday night, and seemed to be doing a little better Wednesday. I came in and set to finishing up the workbook and project, working furiously, determined to get it done. And I did just that - cranked on getting it all completed. But when 3:30 Wednesday came around, and it looked like I was not going to get the hands-on portion done, I messaged Jason to let him know, and asked him what I should do. He asked me "so what's the plan," and I said the he could let me take the assessment without having completed the hands-on, considering that it says right in the workbook that the expectation may not be to actually finish it, but to submit a SOW and get it approved. I figured that given the technical difficulties I had, that would be fair.

BUT, that was not his thinking, and he proceeded to get a little snippy about it. I have the details save somewhere else, but suffice it to say that for some reason, he seemed to make it a very personal thing, made some rather terse comments, and even threatened to escalate to my manager. I was pretty blown away by all of it, as I thought this was supposed to be a TRAINING course, and that was how I approached it. But he made reference to the fact that I was an internal developer, and that's why he left me to figure out what happened on my own. He also said that was why he was "giving me more rope," and then got really defensive when I asked how a trainer would handle the situation (of facing major technical difficulties and falling behind as a result) if I were an outside customer.

So I stayed after work until about 5:30pm Wed night working on it after he agreed to leave the machine open for me, and had plans to even work on it at home. But the screen resolution would not allow me to see much of the VPC at all, and I sent him an email stating as much, asking if I could perhaps get on again Thursday morning to finish.

After all that, I was a little stressed and talked to Debbie about maybe going over to spend the night with her - thought maybe a little time with my sweetie would be comforting. But when I got there, and she opened the door, I could tell immediately that she was upset. Apparently, Emilee had let into her about me coming over, saying that she should have asked her about it first, that Debbie didn't listen to her, and that the relationship with me was going to end up just like the one with Fred did. I tried to convince her to not let it get to her, but I know how it is when someone upsets me like that - it's not as easy as just forgetting about it. She said that it wouldn't ruin the night though.

And it might not have. But for whatever reason, when we decided to head to bed, and Emilee finally emerged from the bedroom, I was triggered into a state of fear and depression. I almost felt like a kid again, like when my grandpa Everett was drunk, and I would get scared and try to avoid him. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant thing to go to sleep thinking, and it was a rough night.

Wow, this post could go on forever. But suffice it to say that I was very depressed yesterday, I think Jason basically told on me to my manager John, who came over and nicely (really) explained some things to me,I did finally finish the hands-on project, and I went to see Diana again last night. Today, I am feeling somewhat better, and though not 100%, am much better than I have been all week. I am still considering whether or not I want to stay in software development for my career, but that is a decision I can come to gradually now - I am through the "panic-get me the hell out of here" mode, which is a relief. And I went to lunch with a couple of the guys here today, Cameron and Michael, and that was nice, so that is cool.

Tomorrow morning, my AA homegroup is doing the hospitality at the Roundup at 7am, then the meeting at 8 after, and I plan on being there. Then, at 11am, I am going to DeVry to sit on a panel for an open house they are having. When I was really depressed yesterday, I sent Deena an email cancelling, as I didn't figure they would want someone there who was thinking of getting out of the field entirely. But I thought how selfish and inconsiderate that was and reconsidered. So I will be there at 10:45. I am supposed to take Tessi school shopping tomorrow afternoon, and of course will spend as much of the weekend as possible with Debbie.

I am hoping that it will be a nice weekend, filled with healing, and the company of loved ones. I am hoping that the worst of the depression and anxiety is behind me, and I can get back on track again - even if I do decide eventually to change career paths, and/or walk away from my condo (another thing I have been leaning towards). The thing is, I don't want to act impulsively out of fear like I used to. And by God's Grace, a good counsellor, AA, and my wonderful girlfriend (as well as a little bit coming from myself, and the tools I have learned), I was able to avoid doing that. I have to remember how huge that is for me, even now. Because I REALLY wanted to run - just run and hide. But I didn't. I'm still  here to face another day, and for that, I am grateful (ok, so I am not totally feeling that just yet - but I'm getting there! Lol)

The Waterfall Effect

So this weekend was another one of those "Debbie and Emilee come out to stay at our place and Emilee throws a fit - in her passive-aggressive way, cries because she wants to go home, upsets Debbie, which causes rough times for us, and basically ruins the weekend" weekends. It was really disappointing too, because it seemed like we really did a backslide as far as the relationship goes. We went to bed Saturday night with Debbie being upset, but not wanting to talk about it. When we woke up Sunday, we talked, and it was rather dramatic and stressful, the way it used to be. Not fun.

We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?

Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has  happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.

So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.

I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.

Back to work - thank God

I am happy to say that I am finally back to work, and at what seems to be a very good company. It's really weird because after going on a number of interviews (DriveTime, contract for ADOT, Business and Decision, Noteworthy Medical, Concorde), being passed up on 2 (DriveTime and Concorde), and delayed indefinitely on 2 (ADOT and Noteworthy), I was starting to get a little frustrated. But I pulled myself back together and decided to start anew the week of June 27th. Strangely though, something told me that I was probably going to have something show up out of nowhere - something unexpected - and that it would be the opportunity I had been seeking.

So Monday morning, lo and behold, I get an email from an internal recruiter for a company called Sage. I had received emails from internal recruiters before, only to have them either fizzle totally, or not work out, like in the case of DriveTime. I called the contact though, had a brief phone interview, and he said he would like to set up a phone interview for me with the hiring manager - that afternoon. I was pretty impressed with the speed that it was moving and had the call with the manager at about 4:30pm. It went very well too, and I liked the fact that the manager I spoke with told me that they were interested as much in personality as technical skills, as it was important to him to have people that were easy to work with. He asked if I could come in very soon for an interview, and I said absolutely.

This part is kinda' funny - I got an email from the HR contact, Mike Kim, about the interview, and I could have sworn it said it was for the next day - Tuesday - at 2:30pm. And I was pretty darned excited about that. So the next day, I headed in to their office off of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch for my interview. When the manager, John Perona, came out to get me, he mentioned that he thought the interview had been scheduled for Wednesday, but that either way, it was ok to go ahead and have it that day, as he didn't want me to have to come all the way back again.

So I went into the interview, and.... well, I will continue this tomorrow. But suffice it to say, the interview went well, I got the job, it seems to be a great company, it is an actual software company, and to this point, I am very happy and grateful to God for such a cool opportunity. My first day was July 11th - praise jeebus! Lol.

Latest Update : UNEMPLOYED

It seems that once again, it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wish I could say I've been having "too much fun," but I am afraid it's just the opposite : I am unemployed, and not feeling real good about my future at this point.

My job at BGA seemed to be going well. As far as I could tell, they were happy with me, and I was starting to get more comfortable with all of them (all 6 of them). Then, out of nowhere, Cindy called me into her office one Friday (about 3 weeks ago) and asked me how I thought I was doing so far. I told her that I thought I was doing well, and that - given the circumstances - I was pretty happy with my progress. Since they were getting ready to do a major rollout, Paul had been very busy and maybe didn't have the time to spend with me that he normally would have - at least in my opinion.

She proceeded to tell me that, from what she saw in the meeting we had the previous day, I really hadn't done much at all and that she had expected a lot more from me. I was quite taken aback, as no one had said anything about my performance previous to this. I told her that there was a LOT of code behind what I had done, and that there were several things that weren't even working to begin with that I had fixed. She went on to tell me that she wasn't sure I was the "type of person they needed" in the position, that they really needed a Type A, in your face person, and that she wasn't sure if I could be that person or not. I told her about Paul having been busy, about not wanting to make so many changes that I broke the build and messed up the release, and she seemed to understand me. She told me to think about it over the weekend and we could take about it Monday.

I left her office feeling pretty icky, and proceeded to go downstairs to call Debbie and tell her about it. After speaking with her, I went back up to the office I shared with Paul and was fairly certain I could make it through the next 2 hours before I got to go home. I noticed when I got back up there that Paul wasn't there, which I found pretty 'coincidental.' Well, about 10 minutes later, he came back into the office, along with Cindy.

They both came in and sat down, Cindy looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell Paul what you were telling me about?" So I proceeded to tell Paul all of the things I had told Cindy, only for him to consistently shut me down, contradict what I said, and paint it in a light that made me look like an incompetent fool. He told me that during the meeting the day before I had given an estimate of 30 hours for a worksheet that I was working on, and he explained that it was merely an "exercise", that he could do it in 4 hours. I told him that it was taking me awhile to understand the logic of it, and he said, "why do you need to understand it? There are 3 different implementations of it in the code. You should be able to just look at the code and do it."

After each rebuttal by Paul, Cindy would come back to me, and say again and again, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need? You think you can be a Type A person?...." I said to her, "It seems to me like you guys already have your mind made up that I cannot." I then asked Paul why he hadn't introduced me to Clark, one of the agents, on one of his many trips down to our office, so I could better understand what they needed, and Cindy blurted out "Stop - that's it! See, we need someone to be an in your face kind of person, and jump in there and say, 'hey, it sounds like I need to know this stuff so I am going to sit in'." I told Cindy that I had only been there 2 months and was trying to not step on toes, and she said that if I was going to sit and wait for someone to introduce me to people, I would be sitting there forever.

Again, she asked me, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need?" to which I finally answered, "Uhhhh, no? I mean, I feel like I am a defendant being pressured to sign a plea bargain here. So I guess the answer you want is no, I can't be that kind of person?" She told me that I could leave early and take the weekend off, and that even if I decided I couldn't be what they needed, that I could stay and at least finish the worksheet - to which Paul replied, "IF he can get it done." Nice, the icing on the cake.

So, after going in on Saturday to clean out all my stuff, and finding out that they had already locked me out of my computer, I went in on Monday (after another interview with Noteworthy Medical) and told them that I could not be the person they needed, and that it was probably best for me to be on my way. I really wanted to lay it on them about how shitty I thought they had done me, but I didn't. I did send an email later that basically let them know how unhappy I was with the way they handled it, and that was that. That was Monday, June 6th, and as of today, Wednesday, June 22nd, I am still unemployed. For many people, that may not seem like a long time, but for me, it feels like forever.

What has made it really hard too is that the day I left BGA, that Monday morning, I went in to Noteworthy - where I had interviewed before when I was looking to leave Banner - and met with another person there named Paul for a diferent position that had come open. Seeing as how I had already met and interviewed with Werner, and had a technical interview, I figured this was a shoe-in. But apparently, the day after the interview, their new CEO enacted a hiring freeze, and for the last 2 and a half weeks, they have been trying to get approval to hire me. In the meantime, I have been on 4 other interviews - 2 of which decided they wanted someone with more experience (DriveTime and Concord), one which wanted Sharepoint 2010 experience (Global Water), and one I am still waiting to here back on (a contracting position with ADOT).

I am getting a bit scared now though, because as I look through the jobs posted on Dice and CareerBuilder, and after all the interviews, it seems that having worked only on INTRANET sites at Banner, and not on INTERNET sites really hampered and stunted my development and experience as a developer, particularly as far as things like SSL, web services, and Http Modules go. Now, I am sweating a bit, wondering if I even have the skills to apply for the jobs I am. I am starting to question my core abilities. Which is not a good place to be.

Fortunately, as almost always seems to be the case, I have an appointment with Diana tonight, right when I need one most. And Debbie has been great through all this, giving me love, support and encouragement. I have tried to keep my head up, which hasn't always been easy, and have been hitting the gym regularly whenever I get too down and bored. Galen is staying with Alex for the foreseeable future, and Tessi has been at Carrie's or her mom's all summer so far, so that has taken some pressure off as far as buying groceries and such. So I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, be patient and have faith that everything will work out.

I actually just got a call from Keith, the recruiter at Noteworthy Medical Systems, and he said that the CEO - Heinrich - is supposed to be in Phoenix this week, and Werner is planning on meeting with him, so he is thinking they will be able to make me an official offer Friday. He also reiterated that both Paul and Werner really liked me, and that Paul was excited to get me on board. That is nice to hear. Now, if I could only get an actual OFFER. I know, I know - patience... patience is the key right now. That, and keeping financially afloat. So far, I am ok. But if I don't get an offer by Friday, things are going to start getting shaky. Lord help me - seriously! Lol.

Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Gut feeling followed by strange vision in meditation

Ok, so I am posting this just to record it for posterity. Not really sure why, as I don't see that it would serve any purpose other than to boost my ego and show off if on fact it should come to pass. Or maybe it would serve just to trip myself out and to reinforce any belief I might have in myself that I have some precognitive abilities or something! Lol.

Anyway, I have had this feeling since they got Osama Bin Laden that Al Qaeda will retaliate by unleashing some kind of dirty bomb or other nuclear device, probably somewhere on American soil. It seems to me that if I were some extremist who followed and believed in him, I would be very upset that he was killed, and especially at the fact that he was supposedly unarmed. It only follows, especially given the "revenge-oriented" nature of their belief system, that someone would do something like that.

So this morning, I was meditating, and in what was a rather strange mix of beautiful sybolism and shapes (the actual mushrooming shape was strangely beautiful), I saw a blossoming mushroom shape. As I alluded to at first it seemed rather beautiful in its shape and the way that it was "blossoming". Then I realized what it seemed to be, and it surprised me to realize that even after having an idea of what it actually symbolized, it still maintained a aura of beauty to it - maybe akin to the beauty of the god Shiva, who is both destroyer and benefactor. It was very interesting to say the least, and I will be curious to see what happens in the coming weeks and months. Whatever may come, I hope that all beings are where they want to be in their hearts and minds.

Unpleasant unexpected call

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" wtith Debbie yesterday afternoon when I got a call that blew me away. It was a woman, and she said "Hello Mr. Wood, this is ____ with WalMart loss prevention. I have your daugther Tessi Wood. We caught her shoplifting and we need you to come down and get her in the next 30 minutes or we will contact the police." I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings that filled me at that moment. I have been going through all kinds of struggles with Galen again, having to ask hin to leave because of his drug use again. But I NEVER expected anything like this from Tessi.

I went down to pick her up (I had dropped her and Genesys off at Christown to get some hair dye and hang out). They told me that she was not allowed to come into the store again without an adult or she would be detained again on supicion of shoplifting. They said that I am going to be getting a letter from WalMart and will be slapped with $150 fine that I have to pay, or else I will have to go to court. They also said that if she ever gets caught again, she will be charged with shoplifting and the police will be called. I was sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe that my daughter was caught shoplifting. She had taken some fake nails, put them her bag, and then walked out of the store without paying for them. She had $12 on her that I had given her to buy hair dye, so it's not like she didn't have any money.

I actually don't feel like writing much more about this right now. My left wrist has been hurting when I type lately, so I really don't feel like typing much more. I will close by saying this : I am so glad that I have a wonderful woman like Debbie in my life. I spent the night with her last night, and it was very comforting. I am still pretty bummed out today, but it sure is nice to know that I have a wonderful woman like her in my life to love and support me through this. I am trying to maintain some perspective and serenity and remembering to breathe...

April '11 Update

Ok, so I have been living life and actually have stuff to do at my new job and therefore have not been blogging much. I think I have pretty much come to the conclusion that for me, blogging is something I do mostly to help combat boredom. And since I haven't been bored, no blogging.

So what has been happening lately... Well, rather than post some long-winded explanation, I will just do a bullet-list style this time :

- I went in and got my eyes checked (was having a lot of headaches and squinting a lot). Ended up getting glasses, and was surprised at just how fuzzy myv vision had gotten. And here I had been wondering for like the last 2 or 3 years why noone else in movie theaters was upset at how out of focus the movie was! Ha!

- I have been working with my sponsee Holmes, got him up to the 7th step now. He's still sober so far.

- I finally got a new sponsor myself after not having spoken to Richard in at least 4 or 5 months. I asked Rich C from my Happy Hour homegroup to sponsor me last week. So far, really glad I did too.

- Galen is back out of the house again after me coming home this week to find an empty seal that wreaked of pot on the couch. There was no big blowup this time. He wasn't home and hasn't come home since. I told him he could stay at Alex's for a couple of weeks to decide if it was more important to live at home or to keep smoking pot. It's hard to believe for me that after everything his mom and I have gone through that he would choose to walk that hard path, but it's his choice to make. I just don' want drugs or drug paraphernalia in my house.

- My new job is going awesome, and I am SOOO glad to be here. They really seem to appreciate me, and I feel both respected and wanted.

- My motorcycle broke down Tuesday night, leaving me at the Thomas road exit off the SR51, I ended up pushing it to the AM PM on 16th st and Thomas and getting it towed home the next night (Wednesday). I haven't had much of a chance to look at it, but am planning to dive in and see if I can figure something out when I get off today at 1pm.

And, most important - to me anyway - Debbie and I are doing awesome. I love her with all my heart and so wish that I could get out of my condo and we could get something together. I'm not quite sure how that is possibly going to work out anytime in the next year or 2 or 5, but I pray it will.

Ok, that's it for now. Thanks be to God, the Program and the Universe for all the good stuff in my life. And ultimately, it's truly all good... : )

Questionable role model for Tessi

I debated for a bit over whether or not to post anything about this,-mainly because of pure laziness! Lol. But I think it is worth journalling a bit about, as it is something I am a little concerned about. Over the last several months, Tessi has been building a stronger and stronger relationship with Carrie. It has gotten to the point that she calls Carrie "mom", and her real mom Sam. For the most part, Carrie has been very loving to Tessi and spent a good amount of time with. I am concerned however that Carrie is not the best role model for Tessi, and in all honesty, I don't really like Carrie that much. She has displayed a pattern of irresponsibility and an inability to work a regular job and support herself. Both of those things for me are strong indicators of a person's character, and in both areas, I think she is lacking. Still, I know how important the relationship is to Tessi, so I have let it continue. But after what I found out last night, I am questioning that decision.

As she was getting ready for bed, Tessi asked me if I had found a $20 bill in any of her pants pockets when I was doing laundry. I told her that I hadn't, and asked her where she got one in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that she and Carrie had returned some sandals I had bought for her, and that instead of getting new sandals, they took some of the money and bought Taco Bell, and put a little gas in Carrie's tank with it. The $20 she was referring to was what was left after that. I was extremely upset upon hearing this, as I couldn't believe that : 1 - they had taken the shoes back for money instead of exhanging them like they were supposed to. 2 - that they spent some of the money on food and gas after I had already given Carrie $20. And 3 - that Carrie allowed this to happen, and even participated in it. What kind of message does that send? That it's ok to take spend other people's money as you see fit without even asking them? No bueno in my book.

Of course I was upset at Tessi. But a part of me is even more upset at Carrie for not saying something to the effect of, "No Tessi - we shouldn't spend that money unless we ask your dad. You were supposed to get shoes with it, and we need to save it for that." Unfortunately, Carrie has a history of - how can I put this kindly - "leaning on people" a little too much, to the point that they actually just have to cut her off from help. It's enough that she lost her 4 kids to CPS, but worse that she can't find and keep a job. And instead of really looking for work, it seems to me she spends more of her time trying to figure out how to get the military to pay for stuff or help her out or trying to concoct other 'schemes' to come up with money.

On top of all this, she (Carrie) told me last night that she was in the middle of some "conflicting story" situation between TASC and Terros : apparently, TASC said she came up dirty on 2 UA's, but Terros said she didn't. She swears she is clean, and said she is even going to do a hair follicle test to prove it. But the mere fact that this is happening is a red flag to me - yet another indicator of the chaos and unmanageability of her life. And it is just those things that I don't want Tessi to pick up from someone who is supposed to be a 'motherly' role model. Even though Tessi vehemently disagrees, Carrie reminds me more and more of Sam all the time : the scheming, the blaming of other people/entities for her problems, the inability to work a real job. All of these things are things that I do NOT want Tessi to model.

So I am thinking I am going to call Carrie today over lunch (in about an hour) and talk to her about this shoe return issue. I would really like some kind of explanation, even though there is nothing she can really say that will cause me to think any differently about her or the situation. I also want to discuss the importance of being a good role model, and ask her what she is doing to find some real employment. I can't continue to give her money to support her driving around. The last thing I need is to be supporting some full-grown adult who is simply unable, or unwilling, to carry their own weight.

I am hoping that, in time, Tessi will build a stronger bond with Debbie, who is a MUCH better role model and better person all the way around. I am also thinking that as soon as I get some insurance going through my work here - actually, probably before - I am going to try to get some counselling scheduled for Tess. I think it would help her a lot to talk to some objective, wiser woman who could help her make some decisions based on ideas and knowledge she may not currently even be aware of. My primary goal is simply to raise a responsibly, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted daughter who can stand up to life's challenges and be her own woman. Not another "societal dependent" who is always looking for ways to have other people support them. I feel a little icky even saying that in reference to Carrie and Sam, but it's hard to see it any other way. It sounds so cliche', but I really want what's best for Tessi. And I just don't think that Carrie is it.

Gesture of love and kindness

Just a little mini-update here : yesterday morning while we were talking on the phone, Debbie offered to come over and see me before I had to go to my HOA meeting. I took her up on it, and we met at the Starbucks on 7th ave and Missouri for about an hour. It was really, really good to be able to meet and talk in person, and I was - I am - so grateful that she came over to my side of town so we could do that.

I think that is another perfect example of just why I love her so much : because she is willing to go out of her way to make sure I am ok, and to make sure that I know how much she cares about me. I sometimes think of things in absolutes, and when it comes to comparing present experiences with past ones, that seems to hold true. I often find myself thinking "no one has EVER done this for me before," "no one was EVER good to me like this", etc. In fact, chances are that some of my past girlfriends were, and I just was not able to see it at those times. So maybe I am a little overly biased when it comes to this stuff.

But whatever the case may be, she definitely seems to know more often than not exaclty what my heart and head need to feel loved and cared for. And that is absolutely precious to me. This woman is THE most beautiful woman I have ever dated (on this, I am sure!) and to think that she is also the most loving and carig - well, what a miraculous blessing that is.

What a difference a day makes, eh?

Trust issues...?

I titled this post that way because I am not really sure how to describe the latest little situation that occurred between Debbie and I. So, I will just lay it out, and then maybe a fitting title will reveal itself. I spent the night over at her place Friday night and we had a very nice time. She came over to my place Saturday night, and again, we had a nice time. I was a little concerned that she would have to go home early again this Sunday as she so often has to when she comes over to my place, but she received a text from Megan early Sunday morning saying that they (Megan, Mike, Evan and Emilee) were all up very late and would be sleeping most of the day. In her words, she told Debbie "you are off the hook" - meaning that we 'should' have most of the day together.

We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.

When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.

After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.

So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.

We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.

Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.

Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.

What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.

Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...

March Update

Wow - as so often seems to happen, it looks like it has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I ought to address some of the "outstanding issues" from my last post. First off, I was (very happily) able to get that busted bolt out of the hole. I think it was the very night after I posted, or maybe the next one. I bought a new pair of REAL Vice Grips, went out there and whacked the stud with a framing hammer a few times, locked on and started rotating back and forth. Then, that magical moment came when I felt it give way.... ahhhh.... the sweetness of that feeling! To make things even better, instead of having to wait for the part I ordered to arrive (in fact, it STILL hasn't come - have to send an email about that), I got some advice on the forum to go down to good ol' Ace Hardware. So I did, and whaddya' know - they had just what I needed. So I was able to get the busted stud out, put the new one on, and get back on my bike within 2 days of that last post. Yeaahhhh!

Next, I am sitting here at my desk at my new job at Black, Gould and Associates (actually the 'arm' I work for is called AGB Business Services - the software side of the company) and I am loving it. The people are every bit as nice as I had hoped they would be, and the equipment I am using is leagues above what I had to work with at Banner. My PC here has 8GB of memory - at Banner, I think I had 2, maybe 3. The benefits are awesome too. And speaking of beneifts, there is a really nice sports club right across the street that I joined last Friday. Yesterday was my first workout, and the place is awesome. Tons of machines, no waiting, full facilities with full basketball court, shower/locker room, hot tub, sauna, even towel service is included. Now, I can get back to a regular workout schedule. And it's really nice to think that I don't have to work around the 'closed' hours like I did at Banner. As a regular club, it's open 7 days a week, and at hours that will allow me to work out M-W-F, which is what I prefer.

On the relationship front, things with Debbie and I have been getting better and better. It seems I am even more in love with her now than I was before, and that love is only growing stronger. We have been learning to communicate better and the amount of time we spend in confusion, or being upset, is growing less and less with each passing day. I really, really want to be with her even more - to live together. I am not quite sure how to accomplish that, seeing as how I am in a mortgage that I am so  upside down on. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and think of some options - and to pray like hell about it! Ha ha! And I would be remiss if I didn't say that sex with her is absolutely incredible. It too just keeps getting better and better, and she pleases me in ways no other woman has, and ways that I wasn't even sure were possible. Talk about grateful.

I guess a nice topic to wrap this up with is probably the most important of all : on March 24th, I celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety. It is such a miracle, and an absolute blessing. It is only because I am sober that all of these other blessings are even possible, and I never want to forget that. I was thinking yesterday just how 'rich' I am. I have a nice motorcycle, a nice truck, a nice place to live, a great job - all the material things a person could want. And then I have 2 wonderful, healthy children, a great brother and his family, and a beautiful, wonderful woman to share my life with. I truly am living a dream that I never thought possible, and I am so, so thankful to the God of my understanding for all the good stuff. Oh, and I have a sponsee now too. His name is Holmes. God help him! Lol!  : )

A definite case of the Mondays

I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.

In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.

I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.

In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.

Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.

Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth.  Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.

Man, time is flying - must be having fun!

And indeed, I have been having A LOT of fun lately - spending more and more time with Debbie, getting to know her and the kids better, enjoying some INCREDIBLE lovemaking... this woman is truly my fantasy girl. I have gotten to do things with her that I have only ever dreamed of. And the best part is that she has loved them too. What we have is very, very special and I couldn't be any more grateful. We spent the weekend before Valentine's Day at the Majestic Mountiain Inn up in Payson, and it was an absolute fairytale weekend : room with a hot tub, dress-up romantic dinner at a wonderful restaurant (Fargo's), morning stroll at Flowing Springs - just dreamy. Oh, and how could I forget : I gave her the promise ring I bought for her, and she gave me a beautiful Fossil watch. It was just perfect.

Now that the REALLY important stuff has been written about, I will get to another situation that's been going on - job hunting. Yep - after almost 3 years at Banner, I have decided to start looking elsewhere for employment opportunities. They announced at the last division meeting that merit increased were going to be cancelled for everyone in the company for the whole year, and that didn't sit well with me. Combine that with the 'joy' of working with Rachel on the Service Manager upgrade project, and a nasty little incident a couple of weeks ago during which Aaron found it acceptable to completely ignore me, causing even more trouble than already existed, and I am ready to bail. It seems that the entire focus of this team is now on BI.. BI BI BI BI.... and I really want to be somewhere where they value their developers and treat them as such.

So I have put out my resume, and gotten a TON of emails and contacts from recruiters, companies, etc. I have been on 3 interviews so far - one horrible (5 minutes, and "see ya"), one good one (Visionary Healthcare), and one today that went very well (Black, Gould and Assoc.). The thing I am really struggling with now is patience. I want one of those 2 jobs, and I want it NNNOOOWWWW!!! Haha. Actually, what I want almost more than the job is to be able to give my 2 week notice here. I know that sounds horrible probably, and they probably aren't even going to care, but I am really looking forward to it (they being Jennifer, Al, Glenn, etc). I am just another number, another "expendable" to them. I guess it will feel good to let them know that I won't be that anymore.

The question now is, if I get offered both jobs - the one at Visionary and the one at BG, which one do I take? I think the group of people and the working environment at BG sound fantastic : small shop, nice people, casual atmosphere (jeans and tennies), great location. The career opportunities and industry growth sound awesome at Visionary, not to mention that it too has a great location, I like the CTO (Verner), and the guy I interviewed with for the tech interview on the phone (Abhijit) seemed very knowlegable, like someone I could really learn a lot from. So I'm not quite sure which I would choose. Of course, I am getting the horse ahead of the cart here (impatience! Lol) because I haven't been offered either job yet. And THAT is what is killing me!

I am not quite sure why I am so very impatient about this. I thought I had really come a long ways in developing my overall patience. But with this, I find myself checking my gmail obsessively, looking for that one email; emailing the guy at Visionary (Keith) asking him what the status is; nervously browsing the web trying to kill time, just waiting.... waiting.  I am wondering what I can do to get out of this obsessive thought pattern. And what is my solution? I'm writing/reading it right now - to write about it! Yes, that is my solution at this point - to simply get it out of me and onto (virtual) paper. Perhaps that will help me to let go of it and just relax about the whole situation. It can't hurt to try. Although I have to admit that even now I am sitting here just waiting to be done with this so I can check my gmail again! Arrrggghhhhh!!! Hahaha!

One thing is certain : whatever happens will happen, and I will accept whatever it is. I need to remember that it will happen in God's time, not mine. And the more I try to force or hurry things, the slower and worse they will go. I need to just sit back, relax, let go, and find something else to occupy my mind. Of course, it might help if I had an actual project to work on at my current job - kinda' makes me wonder if they aren't suspecting that maybe I am leaving. In any case, I will find something to do with my time. Writing is a good start. Now if only I had enough money to do some REAL online shopping! Ha ha ha ha!

Really - it's been that long again?

I was just looking at the date of my last post and can hardly believe it was over two weeks ago. Really? Man, how time flies! I guess this post could just as easily have been called "catching up" too. To get up to speed - we did meet for pizza at Barro's and it went very well. The kids all seemed to get along well and we each liked each other's kids. Kyrsten, her youngest, is incredibly cute and funny, and Emilee is very sweet and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised at how much Galen and Debbie visited and thought that was a real plus.

As far as the relationship goes, we have been getting closer and closer, enjoying time together, and she has blessed me with some of the most fantastic sexual experiences - including one this last weekend that I have ALWAYS wanted to try but never had - I have ever had. I stayed the night at her place for ths first time this weekend, and it was very, very comfortable. All in all, it was a very nice weekend, with perhaps one small exception.

On Sunday afternoon, we had gone back to her place, and shortly after, she got a call from her ex-husband letting her know that Kyrsten had fallen and cut her chin pretty bad and that he was going to be taking her to the hospital. Of course, I knew she needed to go, I told her that I totally undestood, and we both left; me to go home, her to go to the hospital. I didn't hear from her until about 8pm, and for some reason, in the time between seeing her and then, I had managed to feel some insecurities arise about her being with Kyrsten - and her ex - all afternoon. Now, she has already told me that she has no feelings for him, and I don't believe she does. But I still got a little bit insecure about it, and mentioned that to her on the phone. She was, as she always is, very reassuring  and compassionate about it, and that helped a lot.

So today, she sent me a text saying that her "favorite girl" stopped by to take her to lunch. And immediately, in my head, I am thinking that her ex (who took the day off to be with Kyrsten) stopped by and took her and Kyrsten out to lunch. And just the thought of that made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Again, I don't think she has any feelings for him, it's just the thought of her being with "another man", even though that man is the father of a child they share together, someone she is divorced from, and someone I probably shouldn't worry about at all. So why am I worried about it? I don't know. I guess, at some very deep level, I do still have some tiny trust issues in regards to even Debbie, even though I tell myself that I trust her completely. Or maybe it's just plain jealousy. But wouldn't that still imply some form of mistrust? I don't know. I do know that I feel pretty icky right now, even after her texting that it wasn't Kyrsten and her ex who took her out, it was her daughter Meghan, which is who I had originally guessed.

But then she texted that she had seen Kyrsten, and POW! There it cropped up again - that ugly beast that is my insecurity and jealousy. I have been doing so well too. I was really thinking I was past it, maybe even completely. But it's pretty clear that isn't the case. Now I am only hoping that she continues to be understanding, to allow me to get through this without getting upset herself, thinking that I don't trust her. I was reading back over my emails to and from Michelle last year, and the situation with her ex, who was also the father of her baby, was strikingly similar. And she ended up very disappointed in me over the whole thing - it basically ruined any chances of the relationship progressing. I am really hoping that is not the case this time, and I know that I need to find a way to get - and keep - this insecurity in check.

I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't schedule an appointment with Diana for a date and time much sooner than my next one is scheduled for (almost 3 weeks from now). It is apparent that as Debbie and I get closer and closer, those things I have brushed WAY under the carpet, deep in the back of my mind are starting to surface and cause some emotional disturbances in me. And I REALLY don't want to screw it up this time. I have already been down that road, and I just don't want to be looking back again, thinking "what the hell did I do?" 3 or 4 months from now. She is such a beautiful woman - physically, mentally, emotionally. She definitely has her own insecurities and issues - she even opened up about one (the fact that her real dad was quite the alcoholic/addict, and that it made/makes her feel like she is "bad") this last Saturday night. And I think that helps her to have some compassion for mine. Thank God for that.

So yeah, I am going to call and set up an appointment with Diana. Geez, it probably isn't the greatest thing to think that I am going to do that, or that I think I need to. I read in her handout of patient info for 2011 that her services are supposed to be short term only, that her goal is to teach people how to deal with issues on their own, without her help. So I can't help but wonder if I am violating her principles, and if I am not a little more messed up still than I have been thinking I am. I know I need to be gentle on myself though. Nothing good ever comes from beating myself up. I know I will get through this, even if I do need some help. And I have faith that I won't mess it up again this time - at least not without trying my damndest not to. That's the best I can do for now, and it's good enough - better than the alternative, which for me has always been running away. I'm not running this time, no matter how hard or scary it gets. I am staying right where I am, and doing whatever I can to ease my fear and irrational thinking. Here's to that....

Catching up

I guess it has been awhile since I posted to this blog, my "online journal." I have been posting a lot of my random thoughts to my new blog, "The Thought Buffet," but haven't included too much personal stuff. So it's probably a good time to catch up. That, and I think I need to write about some stuff to help get it out.

Debbie and I had our date night last Saturday, and it was wondeful. I picked her up at her place, and she was absolutely stunning, in a purple dress and black high heels that caused me to go full mast at the very sight of her! Lol. We went out to Rokerij for dinner, and although we got seated upstairs (nothing is EVER available downstairs it seems), we got a very private table. We ordered a 'dinner for 2' selection with filet, and it was awesome. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks for some coffee for desert. Then, we went to Blockbuster and picked up a movie to bring back to my place.

Oh, I guess I should mention that when I picked her up, I asked her if she might like to stay the night at my place. I didn't want to be presumptuous, and told her that, but I wanted to let her know that she was welcome to. She said she thought that sounded good, so she brought along some overnight stuff. Ok, now back to the story....

When we got to my place, I gave her a little tour, then we kicked our shoes off to sit back on the couch and watch the movie. Well, suffice it to say that we never got past the selection screen on the DVD before we ended up heading to the bedroom and enjoying each other completely - FINALLY. I know we had both been dying to be together, and it was so nice to finally be able to fully explore our desires without having to hold back. The lovemaking was equisite. And what was equally exquisite was snuggling that night and the next morning. In fact, we layed in bed for probably over an hour the next morning, naked, just cuddling, kissing, talking and laughing. I have never been so comfortable with a woman in my life. It was awesome.

Fast forward to last night. We met at Hob Nob's at about 6pm - which has become a bit of a tradition for us. We enjoyed a couple of hours of talking, laughing, kissing and hugging as usual and had a wonderful time. When it was time to go, I walked her to her car, and we engaged in some very passionate kissing/hugging/grabbing, etc. But just as we ended the 'final hug' to part, I noticed that her whole mood seemed to change suddenly, to one of almost disappointment or something...? In fact, when I said "I love you", she barely even replied to it, as if she didn't even feel the same. I was pretty dumbfounded, but figured maybe she was just sad to be parting as she was a few of the other times we parted. She seemed extra distant as she got in the car though, and I had a feeling something else was up, though I didn't know what.

I called her at about 10 last night to say good night, and indeed, she said there was something that was bothering her a little bit (or something like that). When talking at Hob Nobs', I had mentioned that it was fortunate that she had her daugher around, as well as her ex, to watch her kids so we could have time to meet and get to know each other. She said that she thought I meant that to mean that I didn't want her kids to be around when we were together, and that I wanted to be with her but not her kids. I was a little shocked to hear that, as we talked for a good hour after I had said that, and there was no real indication that she felt that way about it then. I mentioned that to her, and she said it just hit her as we were saying good night.

I tried to assure her that I did not mean it that way at all, and we talked through it for about 20-30 minutes. She still seemed a little hesitant afterwards, but better than she had been. I was a little disappointed that she had thought that way about me, but tried to remind myself how many times I have been the one that was insecure, and that everything was going to be ok.

But when I woke up this morning, I started feeling some real feelings of fear and insecurity. It really bugged me that she had such a hard time saying "I love you" back, and that she would think if me in such a way - that I wouldn't want her kids around. I also thought about how much I don't like the 'conditional love' dynamic, where love is either given or not based on what I do - especially when it is retracted for something I did that I am not even aware of, and that was done with no ill will at all. So I decided to write her a lengthy email explaining my thoughts and feelings on some things to hopefully clarify some things I have said and done.

I think the real catalyst to all this is the fact that we are planning to meet each other's kids tomorrow over pizza. I think she has some fear about whether or not I will accept her kids, and she mentioned several times that her kids were very nice, sweet, etc. I told her that I was a little nervous too, and that I think it's natural for us both to feel that way. But after last night, I am wondering if maybe it isn't too soon for that. I am the one who suggested it, and although she agreed, maybe it's just a little too soon, and she simply agreed because she doesn't want me to be disappointed. I'm not sure, but I mentioned all that in my email to her as well. I really hope she replies with some answers for me. I even sent her a text asking her to because I am having a bit of an anxiety attack about all this. I'm not sure why, but I have noticed over the last couple of years that relationships seem to cause me some serious anxiety attacks when insecurities and doubts arise, on either side.

She just texted back and said that she loves me, that she never wants to hurt me, and that her heart is breaking right now. I texted back and told her that I still lover her, and that everything is ok- that we will get through this. And hopefully, we will. But as I have said a number of other times, no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. And she will too. We both had full, happy, productive lives before we met, and should anything happen, we will still have those same lives. If things don't work out, I will move on and continue to grow as a person, work on improving myself, and explore other opportunities. And I would hope and expect that she would too. That being said, I do love her and hope that things work out for us. I guess, as with so many things, time will tell. One thing is sure - life is good, God is good, the Universe is good, and I am grateful. Ok, I guess that's really 4 things, but whatever! Ha ha