After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.
I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.
I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.
So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Update on the date
So I finally had the 'big' date with Wendy, and we actually had a nice day together. I was pretty excited at first, because as she approached the lightrail station, I noticed she was wearing a light skirt, with high slits up both sides, and a top that showed a little bit of cleavage. I am thinking, "ok, she must like me, cuz she is showing some skin." But interestingly enough, once we actually met up, I couldn't tell if that was the case or not, and that was pretty much the vibe of the day. Not to say we didn't have a nice time, because we did.
We went to the Phoenix Art Museum, which I had never been to, and I was really impressed by the sheer size and beauty of the place. We spent probably 2 or 3 hours there. There was one moment, shortly after we first got there, when she was squeezing in front of me to look at something, and had her butt resting on my nether region, and again I was thinking, "momma's doing some flirting here!" But after that, there wasn't really any more of that type of interaction, so again, I was left wondering.
We went out to a late lunch after, at a place called Maizie's, and had a nice time there as well. It seemed like she was pretty "into" the waiter, who was a good looking younger guy, but maybe that is just her nature, a bit flirty. In any case, we had some nice conversation, which was good, because the item I ordered, the Caesar salad, pretty much sucked! I've had much better ones. No big though.
When we got back to the park and ride, I walked her to her van, we exchanged a nice hug, and although I had thought about going in for a little kiss, she made clear by the way she turned her head away after the hug that that was not happening. Which was ok. So I was left not really knowing how she felt about me, but thinking that she really wasn't too attracted to me physically.
I sent her an email Saturday night telling her that I had a nice time and that I was attracted to her - that it would be cool if we met for lunch. I got an email back from her saying that she would let me know about lunch, and that was it. That has been very typical of our email communications : I will say something personal, and complimentary, and when she replies, she keeps it very sterile, and never really acknowledges what I have said. I haven't let it get to me though, as I know I have communication issues, and have been telling myself "no worries, that's just how she communicates."
Since I had disclosed so much about how I felt about her though, and she hadn't said anything about how she felt about me really, I sent her an email last night asking flatly, "what do you think of me so far?" Her reply was that we share a lot of common interests and relationship goals, but that she didn't have that "fuzzy" feeling. She said she was willing to keep meeting though to see if it develops. I replied that was cool with me, and that the reason I asked is because I had gotten that feeling from her. So where does that leave all this?
Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think it basically means that we are right where she said we are : there aren't any overpowering feelings of "fuzziness" on either side, but that we can meet up and do things together, because we get along well. I like her, but I am not feeling drawn to her or overly "fuzzy" myself - not like was with Michelle or anything. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she seems to have a Dr. Spock like quality to her when it comes to the romance part of it - and perhaps that is because she isn't really attracted to me. She does laugh and express emotion about other things, but when the conversation turns to relationship or attraction type subjects, she becomes very cold and rational, or tries to pretty much just shut it down.
The great thing for me today is that I am ok with it just like it is. Is she nice? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Am I desperately longing to be with her? No, I'm not. I am ok with things no matter how they go - and for me, that is awesome. I have been striving to reach this place, and been seeking the willingness to let go of that "love at first site/fairy tale" romance delusion so I could get here. It is far too early to say that I am completely there, but I am definitely on the path. And all I can say is "Phhhewwwwwww! What a relief!" Ha ha! I needed to find some serenity about this relationship obsession I have grappled with; I have needed to trust the Universe and let go; and it seems that, even in this smalls dose, that is starting to happen. For that, and everything in my life, I truly say "Thank you Lord!"
We went to the Phoenix Art Museum, which I had never been to, and I was really impressed by the sheer size and beauty of the place. We spent probably 2 or 3 hours there. There was one moment, shortly after we first got there, when she was squeezing in front of me to look at something, and had her butt resting on my nether region, and again I was thinking, "momma's doing some flirting here!" But after that, there wasn't really any more of that type of interaction, so again, I was left wondering.
We went out to a late lunch after, at a place called Maizie's, and had a nice time there as well. It seemed like she was pretty "into" the waiter, who was a good looking younger guy, but maybe that is just her nature, a bit flirty. In any case, we had some nice conversation, which was good, because the item I ordered, the Caesar salad, pretty much sucked! I've had much better ones. No big though.
When we got back to the park and ride, I walked her to her van, we exchanged a nice hug, and although I had thought about going in for a little kiss, she made clear by the way she turned her head away after the hug that that was not happening. Which was ok. So I was left not really knowing how she felt about me, but thinking that she really wasn't too attracted to me physically.
I sent her an email Saturday night telling her that I had a nice time and that I was attracted to her - that it would be cool if we met for lunch. I got an email back from her saying that she would let me know about lunch, and that was it. That has been very typical of our email communications : I will say something personal, and complimentary, and when she replies, she keeps it very sterile, and never really acknowledges what I have said. I haven't let it get to me though, as I know I have communication issues, and have been telling myself "no worries, that's just how she communicates."
Since I had disclosed so much about how I felt about her though, and she hadn't said anything about how she felt about me really, I sent her an email last night asking flatly, "what do you think of me so far?" Her reply was that we share a lot of common interests and relationship goals, but that she didn't have that "fuzzy" feeling. She said she was willing to keep meeting though to see if it develops. I replied that was cool with me, and that the reason I asked is because I had gotten that feeling from her. So where does that leave all this?
Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think it basically means that we are right where she said we are : there aren't any overpowering feelings of "fuzziness" on either side, but that we can meet up and do things together, because we get along well. I like her, but I am not feeling drawn to her or overly "fuzzy" myself - not like was with Michelle or anything. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she seems to have a Dr. Spock like quality to her when it comes to the romance part of it - and perhaps that is because she isn't really attracted to me. She does laugh and express emotion about other things, but when the conversation turns to relationship or attraction type subjects, she becomes very cold and rational, or tries to pretty much just shut it down.
The great thing for me today is that I am ok with it just like it is. Is she nice? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Am I desperately longing to be with her? No, I'm not. I am ok with things no matter how they go - and for me, that is awesome. I have been striving to reach this place, and been seeking the willingness to let go of that "love at first site/fairy tale" romance delusion so I could get here. It is far too early to say that I am completely there, but I am definitely on the path. And all I can say is "Phhhewwwwwww! What a relief!" Ha ha! I needed to find some serenity about this relationship obsession I have grappled with; I have needed to trust the Universe and let go; and it seems that, even in this smalls dose, that is starting to happen. For that, and everything in my life, I truly say "Thank you Lord!"
Friday, June 25, 2010
Busy week, big day tomorrow
Wow, I guess I have actually been pretty busy at work this week! Considering the fact that my only post this week was on Monday. That's a good thing though. I have been really challenged with some JavaScript stuff in the project I am working on (Better Together 2010) and it has been very rewarding, as one of my work-related goals has been able to increase my proficiency in JavaScript. I just had a bit of a breakthrough, so I thought I would take a moment to "celebrate" by catching up here a little bit. Turns out I was making something MUCH more complicated than it really was (imagine that! Ha ha!)- accessing the value of a control sent to a JavaScript method. All I had to do was 'control.value', but instead I was trying all kinds of whacky stuff. D'oh!
So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.
I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!
And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.
For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.
So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!
So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.
I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!
And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.
For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.
So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!
Monday, June 21, 2010
A breakthrough - maybe
I had to add the little "maybe" to the end of my title there, because if there is anything I have learned in the dating game this far - at least the Internet one anyway - it is to never be too certain of anything. What seems like a sure thing can be a mirage, and counting on something to work out well can be setting myself up for disappointment. I need to remind myself of these things not to be negative and pessimistic about it, but to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and not get my expectations up too high as I have so often done in the past when it comes to dating. Ok - now that we've covered that, on to the "meat" of this post...
So Saturday, I went and met this woman at Unlimited Coffee that I met through POF. We had been messaging back and forth, and she mentioned that she was working on a business plan, and that she needed someone to help her with a website. I had told her about me being a developer, and she mentioned that maybe we could meet up some time to talk about it. I thought that was awesome, as it provided an in, BUT, I was also hesitant, because I thought maybe that's all she wanted to meet for - to talk about the website, and that there was no real interest in me as a dating possibility.
We met Saturday at 2pm, and to my relief, we started talking about all kinds of stuff right off the bat. I found her to be very attractive (especially considering my "type") and I couldn't help but think how much she reminded me of Tina, especially the way her hair was. I was, and am, very attracted to her. The conversation flowed very easily, and it was pretty evident that this woman is very intelligent, very self-aware, and totally comfortable with herself. We talked about everything from kids, to quantum physics, to Freud, philosophy and dreams. After about 2 and a half hours, she said she should really get going, and I thought I ought too as well. As she getting her stuff packed, I asked her if there was any chance we might be able to go on an actual date sometime, to which she replied "Sure! Where do you want to go?"
I was actually a little flabbergasted, partly because I really didn't expect her to say yes (I couldn't completely read her, and Lord knows I have read women wrong before!) and partly because I was so attracted to her, that I was ecstatic inside, and caught in the moment - that glorious "Yes" moment that us single people live for. I told that I thought we could do just about anything and enjoy it because of the great convo we had and that I would think it over. She said ok and asked (actually, kind of 'directed') me to walk her to her car, which I thought was awesome. She gave me a nice hug, and I walked home pretty stoked about it all.
But not ecstatic, and I was - and am - glad about that.Too many times I have gotten SOOOO excited after a first meeting, that I totally set myself for a heart-wrenching disappointment if things didn't work out. Or, on the flip side, I sucked a woman in very close to me because of my passion, only to find out later that the initial excitement I felt in the beginning was just that - initial excitement - and that after a couple of weeks, I wasn't so excited to be with the person anymore. So it isn't really being pessimistic for me, which is something I really try to avoid because of how my mom is - it is being realistic, maintaining balance, and keeping my priorities straight instead of letting the obsession take hold of me. Wow - did I just right that? More importantly - did I MEAN it? I think I did! Yippeeeee!
So there is an opportunity on the horizon. And I am looking forward to exploring it, keeping in mind that the exploration may turn up a wonderful find, a treasure of untold value; and then again, the exploration may turn up something completely different. The important thing is to simply enjoy the exploration for what it is, knowing that someday, when the time is right, and the Universe/my HP determines that both of us are ready, I will meet that "special someone", and she will meet me. Is Wendy that person? I don't know. But I am going to let time by the instrument by which that is determined, and not my codependent obsessiveness. And I am going to let my HP be the 'decider' of that instead of my 'broken picker'. I am going to be patient, trusting, and easy on myself. And you know what? It's about time! Lol :)P
So Saturday, I went and met this woman at Unlimited Coffee that I met through POF. We had been messaging back and forth, and she mentioned that she was working on a business plan, and that she needed someone to help her with a website. I had told her about me being a developer, and she mentioned that maybe we could meet up some time to talk about it. I thought that was awesome, as it provided an in, BUT, I was also hesitant, because I thought maybe that's all she wanted to meet for - to talk about the website, and that there was no real interest in me as a dating possibility.
We met Saturday at 2pm, and to my relief, we started talking about all kinds of stuff right off the bat. I found her to be very attractive (especially considering my "type") and I couldn't help but think how much she reminded me of Tina, especially the way her hair was. I was, and am, very attracted to her. The conversation flowed very easily, and it was pretty evident that this woman is very intelligent, very self-aware, and totally comfortable with herself. We talked about everything from kids, to quantum physics, to Freud, philosophy and dreams. After about 2 and a half hours, she said she should really get going, and I thought I ought too as well. As she getting her stuff packed, I asked her if there was any chance we might be able to go on an actual date sometime, to which she replied "Sure! Where do you want to go?"
I was actually a little flabbergasted, partly because I really didn't expect her to say yes (I couldn't completely read her, and Lord knows I have read women wrong before!) and partly because I was so attracted to her, that I was ecstatic inside, and caught in the moment - that glorious "Yes" moment that us single people live for. I told that I thought we could do just about anything and enjoy it because of the great convo we had and that I would think it over. She said ok and asked (actually, kind of 'directed') me to walk her to her car, which I thought was awesome. She gave me a nice hug, and I walked home pretty stoked about it all.
But not ecstatic, and I was - and am - glad about that.Too many times I have gotten SOOOO excited after a first meeting, that I totally set myself for a heart-wrenching disappointment if things didn't work out. Or, on the flip side, I sucked a woman in very close to me because of my passion, only to find out later that the initial excitement I felt in the beginning was just that - initial excitement - and that after a couple of weeks, I wasn't so excited to be with the person anymore. So it isn't really being pessimistic for me, which is something I really try to avoid because of how my mom is - it is being realistic, maintaining balance, and keeping my priorities straight instead of letting the obsession take hold of me. Wow - did I just right that? More importantly - did I MEAN it? I think I did! Yippeeeee!
So there is an opportunity on the horizon. And I am looking forward to exploring it, keeping in mind that the exploration may turn up a wonderful find, a treasure of untold value; and then again, the exploration may turn up something completely different. The important thing is to simply enjoy the exploration for what it is, knowing that someday, when the time is right, and the Universe/my HP determines that both of us are ready, I will meet that "special someone", and she will meet me. Is Wendy that person? I don't know. But I am going to let time by the instrument by which that is determined, and not my codependent obsessiveness. And I am going to let my HP be the 'decider' of that instead of my 'broken picker'. I am going to be patient, trusting, and easy on myself. And you know what? It's about time! Lol :)P
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Same-o same-o
Well, I have not yet heard back from miss "tantric" yet, and am not sure if I ever will. I sent her what I thought was a very thoughtful response, and I know she looked at it because on POF, you can check the status of messages you have sent to see if they have been read or are still unread. It was read, but no response. I sent her another message today, basically asking her to tell me if she wants me to lay off. So we'll see what happens.
The last few times I have been on the site, I have noticed that there don't seem to be too many more interesting women to send messages to. So I guess I will probably just kick back now and see if anything materializes from it or not. I was talking at lunch today about the fact that I think women on those type of sites can be extremely choosy, because there are probably 10 guys for every woman on there. Not to mention the fact that if they are attractive at all, they probably get inundated with emails, so they can filter arbitrarily by appearance, height, interests, etc. But I filter by all of those same things too (well, not interests so much) so I can't really complain, right? Lol
I was thinking about going to a meditation "meetup" tonight that I found on Meetups.com, but I am so broke I think I will wait til next week so I have at least a little something to give for a "love offering." Instead, I will probably end up doing some laundry instead - weeeeee! Then tomorrow, I have my appt. with Diana, and that should be good. I am started to get a little - although not very - frustrated with the whole "dating" thing again. Why can't the universe just give me one more good one - one more chance, so I can do the right thing, and be the man I want to be for a partner? Why why why... all I can do is ask why, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be ok; and that I am constantly working to improve myself mentally, spiritually and physically, so when it does finally happen, I might actually feel like I deserve it! Ha ha!
The last few times I have been on the site, I have noticed that there don't seem to be too many more interesting women to send messages to. So I guess I will probably just kick back now and see if anything materializes from it or not. I was talking at lunch today about the fact that I think women on those type of sites can be extremely choosy, because there are probably 10 guys for every woman on there. Not to mention the fact that if they are attractive at all, they probably get inundated with emails, so they can filter arbitrarily by appearance, height, interests, etc. But I filter by all of those same things too (well, not interests so much) so I can't really complain, right? Lol
I was thinking about going to a meditation "meetup" tonight that I found on Meetups.com, but I am so broke I think I will wait til next week so I have at least a little something to give for a "love offering." Instead, I will probably end up doing some laundry instead - weeeeee! Then tomorrow, I have my appt. with Diana, and that should be good. I am started to get a little - although not very - frustrated with the whole "dating" thing again. Why can't the universe just give me one more good one - one more chance, so I can do the right thing, and be the man I want to be for a partner? Why why why... all I can do is ask why, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be ok; and that I am constantly working to improve myself mentally, spiritually and physically, so when it does finally happen, I might actually feel like I deserve it! Ha ha!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Still hangin' in there!
I have been doing such a good job of keeping my blog updated, I thought I would post just a brief snippet for today. Things on POF were VERY quiet this weekend. In fact, I didn't get even one message Saturday or Sunday. I didn't let it get to me at all though. I had a nice weekend with the kids, although Tessi was sicker than a dog with stomach flu Saturday night. She said she and Autumn had stayed up til like 5am, so it was no surprise that she got sick - she almost always does after staying up so late like that. Galen and I watched some good movies together (Tess joined in for the "From Paris with Love").
I had fun bowling Saturday night with my newly found team and league. It is a very diverse group of people - all ages, ethnicities, styles - and I really like it. I was thinking Saturday night that it is much better to be on that night instead of Sunday like the old league was. I feel like getting out on Saturday nights usually, and now I can, and do. On the other hand, I don't really feel like going anywhere Sunday night, and would rather stay home and relax. So it works out perfectly.
I did get a message from someone on POF late last night (saw it this morning when I got to work). It is from a woman named Wendy (username 'Tantricdish' - sounds yummy to me! Lol). She sounds very interesting - intelligent, well educated, strawberry blonde hair - and she sent me a reply asking me to tell her about who I am and what I am looking for in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question, so I sent her a pretty thoughtful reply. If things go the way they have been, I may never even hear from her again. But, I am not giving up faith, and in any case, it was a good exercise in self-awareness, trying to think of how to explain to someone else who I am.
Life is pretty darned good right now, I must admit. Other than CRAVING some good lovin' (oh, and by the way - she lives up to her username in her profile, stating that any man she dates must have a strong libido - got that one covered!). I am happy, healthy, content at work, and generally enjoying life. As far as the woman situation, I am still actively seeking, but without the desperation and thoughts of failure when things don't work out with a certain woman, or they don't write back. I figure the Universe knows what it is doing, and I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to as long as I keep doing the footwork. Gee - that sounds familiar - wonder where I came up with that one??? ha ha ha!
I had fun bowling Saturday night with my newly found team and league. It is a very diverse group of people - all ages, ethnicities, styles - and I really like it. I was thinking Saturday night that it is much better to be on that night instead of Sunday like the old league was. I feel like getting out on Saturday nights usually, and now I can, and do. On the other hand, I don't really feel like going anywhere Sunday night, and would rather stay home and relax. So it works out perfectly.
I did get a message from someone on POF late last night (saw it this morning when I got to work). It is from a woman named Wendy (username 'Tantricdish' - sounds yummy to me! Lol). She sounds very interesting - intelligent, well educated, strawberry blonde hair - and she sent me a reply asking me to tell her about who I am and what I am looking for in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question, so I sent her a pretty thoughtful reply. If things go the way they have been, I may never even hear from her again. But, I am not giving up faith, and in any case, it was a good exercise in self-awareness, trying to think of how to explain to someone else who I am.
Life is pretty darned good right now, I must admit. Other than CRAVING some good lovin' (oh, and by the way - she lives up to her username in her profile, stating that any man she dates must have a strong libido - got that one covered!). I am happy, healthy, content at work, and generally enjoying life. As far as the woman situation, I am still actively seeking, but without the desperation and thoughts of failure when things don't work out with a certain woman, or they don't write back. I figure the Universe knows what it is doing, and I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to as long as I keep doing the footwork. Gee - that sounds familiar - wonder where I came up with that one??? ha ha ha!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Hungry for lovin'
Ok - what I am now experiencing now, at this moment, this day, is not desperation in the sense of "Oh, I need a girlfriend SO badly!!!" No, that is not it - not at all. Oh, I am desperate all right, but more along these lines : "OMG - I am DYING to have some GREAT SEX with a woman!!!! Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!" Ha ha! Yes, that is what I am feeling right now. I suppose I should say thinking, to be "psycholgically correct", but believe me - I am feeling it too.
Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.
My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.
Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.
Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)
Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.
My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.
Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.
Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A Dating Lull
Well, what started out like gangbusters, the whole POF dating thang, has now slowed to a real lull. Out of the last several messages I've sent out, I've only gotten one or 2 replies. And after sending those few another message, I have gotten nothing back. I met with Dana last night, and though she was sweet, she was a bit bigger - heavier - than I thought she would be. She was nice though, so I am thinking I would still like to see her again. We only got to meet for less than an hour last night, as she had to go pick her dad up from the doctor. I texted her this morning to see how that went and she has not yet texted back. But it's ok - I am not really concerned, as I don't think there is a realistic possibility of us getting together. I want someone who is in better shape.
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity
Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Following my own rules
I am sitting here trying, with all my strength, to avoid emailing or texting Dana. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday afternoon after exchanging emails in the morning and received some pretty short, curt replies. I didn't hear anything from her after the last one, at about 5pm or so, so I decided to just lay off a bit and not contact her again until she shows some interest from her end. It turns out that is much harder than I thought it would, or should be! Lol
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
Monday, June 7, 2010
Breaking the "Michelle" curse
Just when I thought I was destined - or after the events of this weekend - doomed, to end up with a woman named Michelle, a ray of sunshine broke through the M cloud in the form of a woman named Dana. I sent her a message through POF, she replied, and we ended up texting back and forth this weekend, even chatting on the phone Saturday night. She looks to be very pretty from her pictures on POF - a brunette with beautiful blue eyes (always LOVED that combination). She is a fellow Taurus and seems to be pretty put together. Of course, we will see about that as time goes by, as I have thought that about other women only to find out it wasn't completely true. We are going to meet Weds night for coffee, and I am pretty excited about it to be honest. I just re-read my "rules" though, and am trying to remind myself to go SLOW! Ha ha!
I met the other woman I was texting, Shelli, yesterday, and she was very nice. I noticed right off the bat that she has a large tattoo on the back of her neck that extends down her upper back, so that was a bit of a turn-off, as I am not big on tattoos, especially on women. All in all, she was very sweet, but I didn't feel any real physical attraction. I am not really sure how to proceed, as she is really nice, and I don't want to just summarily blow her off. I will have to contemplate that. Typically, the MO has been to just cease contact - both on my side, and the woman's. If the other person isn't interested, they just don't contact the other one anymore. I would feel kinda' bad doing that with her though, so I want to come up with something better.
And now on to the piece de resistance - the outcome with Michelle, the one I was so hopeful about after receiving the text from her while camping. Here is a woman that I think is more messed up and manipulative than me! Lol. Here I am texting and emailing her, all concerned that something is horribly wrong with her. So I text her orig phone Satruday night in yet another effort to find out if she is ok, and I get back a simple, "No worries. I'm ok." WTF?!?!?! I have had actual concern and worry for her, and turns out she is fine, just been a little sick?
That in and of itself was enough to make me a little irritated. But then, I ask her about maybe seeing her again, and she says that she is burnt out on men, that she doesn't want to see anyone for awhile. I reminded her that SHE sent me the text saying that stuff about "fizzling" and about my email rocking her world, and she says "sorry if I confused you." Ok - at this point, I am thinking that either A. This woman has no concept of the dynamics of communication between single men and women, or B. This lady is extremely manipulative, and possibly even shizophrenic. So I sent her a text to clarify once and for all, stating that I did not want her to text me again unless she was interested in seeing me again. To which she replied she was going to delete all my contact info from her phone. Fine - great - whatever! I think she truly belongs with that guy Ryan - that they are made for each other, and I hope they have a wonderful life together! Ha ha!
So the adventure continues, with the next chapter yet to be written. Will Dana be promising? Will we have a good meetup? Will I be attracted to her? Will she be attracted to me? Only time will tell. One thing is sure though - whatever happens, it is bound to be interesting! Lol
I met the other woman I was texting, Shelli, yesterday, and she was very nice. I noticed right off the bat that she has a large tattoo on the back of her neck that extends down her upper back, so that was a bit of a turn-off, as I am not big on tattoos, especially on women. All in all, she was very sweet, but I didn't feel any real physical attraction. I am not really sure how to proceed, as she is really nice, and I don't want to just summarily blow her off. I will have to contemplate that. Typically, the MO has been to just cease contact - both on my side, and the woman's. If the other person isn't interested, they just don't contact the other one anymore. I would feel kinda' bad doing that with her though, so I want to come up with something better.
And now on to the piece de resistance - the outcome with Michelle, the one I was so hopeful about after receiving the text from her while camping. Here is a woman that I think is more messed up and manipulative than me! Lol. Here I am texting and emailing her, all concerned that something is horribly wrong with her. So I text her orig phone Satruday night in yet another effort to find out if she is ok, and I get back a simple, "No worries. I'm ok." WTF?!?!?! I have had actual concern and worry for her, and turns out she is fine, just been a little sick?
That in and of itself was enough to make me a little irritated. But then, I ask her about maybe seeing her again, and she says that she is burnt out on men, that she doesn't want to see anyone for awhile. I reminded her that SHE sent me the text saying that stuff about "fizzling" and about my email rocking her world, and she says "sorry if I confused you." Ok - at this point, I am thinking that either A. This woman has no concept of the dynamics of communication between single men and women, or B. This lady is extremely manipulative, and possibly even shizophrenic. So I sent her a text to clarify once and for all, stating that I did not want her to text me again unless she was interested in seeing me again. To which she replied she was going to delete all my contact info from her phone. Fine - great - whatever! I think she truly belongs with that guy Ryan - that they are made for each other, and I hope they have a wonderful life together! Ha ha!
So the adventure continues, with the next chapter yet to be written. Will Dana be promising? Will we have a good meetup? Will I be attracted to her? Will she be attracted to me? Only time will tell. One thing is sure though - whatever happens, it is bound to be interesting! Lol
Friday, June 4, 2010
Don't.... want.... to..... work......
Ugh! I am having SUCH a hard time getting motivated to do ANY coding today. A couple of years ago I would have felt really guilty about my complete lack of enthusiasm and production. But I have learned over time that for me to properly align my production rate with the flow of time in IT, I need to actually take some time - a fairly good amount of time - to do things other than work on my projects.
In the past, I would go gung ho at stuff, get it done, and then have to sit around frustrated that I didn't have anything else to do. So I would go to my boss at the time and ask for more work. Now I thought this was a good thing, that it would show them how hard a worker I was, and that they would love me for it. But what I found was just the opposite - that they really found it more annoying than anything else, and instead of endearing me with them, it got me on their bad sides.
So for awhile, I just got all resentful about it, and thought that I was just too hard a worker, that everyone else was bums, and that maybe I was in the wrong profession. But as time went by, I started to see that that is just the way it is in this industry - feast or famine, slower than hell or balls to the wall, nothing to do or too much to possibly do. So, instead of fighting this inherent property, I have learned to adjust to it. And part of that is allowing myself some time, sometimes even a day or more, to just let everything fall back into synch.
The biggest thing I had to overcome was the guilt I felt about it. Coming from blue collar jobs, it was very hard to understand and embrace the concept of doing nothing basically, producing nothing of import, and instead of getting yelled at for it, getting paid. But I no longer feel guilty about it, and I have come to accept what is, and that I am not cheating anyone, I am merely being a "part of," and adapting my work habits to my environment. And to be honest, I quite enjoy my job now.
And it has worked spectacularly well. I have been in my current position for over 2 years now (a record for me!) and I think my boss and the people here genuinely like and respect me. I have a great cube (one of the best - of not the best - in the joint in my opinion) and a base of customers who love me. My boss does not micromanage me, and trusts me to get stuff done on time and within scope. I have a nice little group of "lunch buddies" that I eat with, and I even hang out and so stuff with some of them outside of work occasionally. Yes, my life - my work life - is better than it has ever been. And I am extremely grateful. Very, very, VERY grateful.
So I only have question now on this wonderful Friday morning : Is it lunch time yet?!?! Ha ha ha ha!
In the past, I would go gung ho at stuff, get it done, and then have to sit around frustrated that I didn't have anything else to do. So I would go to my boss at the time and ask for more work. Now I thought this was a good thing, that it would show them how hard a worker I was, and that they would love me for it. But what I found was just the opposite - that they really found it more annoying than anything else, and instead of endearing me with them, it got me on their bad sides.
So for awhile, I just got all resentful about it, and thought that I was just too hard a worker, that everyone else was bums, and that maybe I was in the wrong profession. But as time went by, I started to see that that is just the way it is in this industry - feast or famine, slower than hell or balls to the wall, nothing to do or too much to possibly do. So, instead of fighting this inherent property, I have learned to adjust to it. And part of that is allowing myself some time, sometimes even a day or more, to just let everything fall back into synch.
The biggest thing I had to overcome was the guilt I felt about it. Coming from blue collar jobs, it was very hard to understand and embrace the concept of doing nothing basically, producing nothing of import, and instead of getting yelled at for it, getting paid. But I no longer feel guilty about it, and I have come to accept what is, and that I am not cheating anyone, I am merely being a "part of," and adapting my work habits to my environment. And to be honest, I quite enjoy my job now.
And it has worked spectacularly well. I have been in my current position for over 2 years now (a record for me!) and I think my boss and the people here genuinely like and respect me. I have a great cube (one of the best - of not the best - in the joint in my opinion) and a base of customers who love me. My boss does not micromanage me, and trusts me to get stuff done on time and within scope. I have a nice little group of "lunch buddies" that I eat with, and I even hang out and so stuff with some of them outside of work occasionally. Yes, my life - my work life - is better than it has ever been. And I am extremely grateful. Very, very, VERY grateful.
So I only have question now on this wonderful Friday morning : Is it lunch time yet?!?! Ha ha ha ha!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The "Michelle" syndrome...
Ok, so first there was the Michelle I wrote about in the last post, the one that I saw twice and shared an awesome kiss with. Then there was the Michele that I was corresponding with over the last week or so who used more f-bombs than a drunken sailor and had all the passion of a footstool (sorry, that seems harsh, but she really was lacking any 'verve'). So that's 2 Michelles, pretty much in a row (with a brief Ty interlude).
So a couple of days ago I make contact with a new woman on pof - a woman named Shelli. We start emailing back and forth, and before long, she reveals that her real name is - wait for it... wait for it.... YES! Michelle! Now I am no statistician, but it seems to me that the odds of dating three completely different women, all in a row basically, who all have the same first name are very, very low. I am starting to think that should be one on my filter parameters, or perhaps one of my "must haves" - why fight it, right?
This newest Michelle - Shelli - seems pretty neat. She definitely has a sense of humor and some real personality. We talked on the phone for the first time last night and it went really well - very easy and fun to talk to. We are set to meet on Sunday at Tempe Marketplace, so we'll see if there is any chemistry there. My only concern at this point - and it's a pretty goofy one, especially considering the fact that I don't believe in astrology all that strongly - is that I am a Taurus and she is an Aquarius. And all of the stuff I have found so far on the compatibility of the 2 signs say that it is a very difficult match, and that there is very little chance of things working out.... NOW, all of them did say that the sexual chemistry between these 2 signs is pretty fantastic, and one even said that it is so good that it can even override some of the other diffculties! Yyyyeaaahhhhh... So you just KNOW that I am going to ride this one out (total punuendo intended) to at least check that out! (hopefully)
What else is going on... well, I found out how to make some adjustments to my bike on this cool site I found and joined, GZ250bike.com. They have an awesome forum, and I found some info about adjusting the rear break lever (which seemed to be WAY too high on my bike) as well as the shift lever (which seemed to be way too low for me). So I made adjustments to both of them, and it is so much nicer - and safer - to ride now! Turns out the rear brake lever was completely out of whack and wasn't even resting on the adjustment screw at all - that's why it was so high.
Everything else is going well. Galen is feeling better, Tess is doing well, and I am pretty darned peachy myself. I have made contact with a number of different woman on pof and am enjoying "playing the field" a bit. On a side note, I have heard nothing - no email, no text, no nothing - from Michelle since last Friday. I am wondering if she isn't on vacation, maybe out of country or something. I hope she is ok. Hopefully she will contact me soon.
One last item of note - I have been sticking faithfully to my morning meditation time, about 10 minutes every morning, and really enjoying it. I think I am more calm, centered and serene when incorporating it into my morning. So I am going to keep it up. Think that's all for now - the adventure continues....
So a couple of days ago I make contact with a new woman on pof - a woman named Shelli. We start emailing back and forth, and before long, she reveals that her real name is - wait for it... wait for it.... YES! Michelle! Now I am no statistician, but it seems to me that the odds of dating three completely different women, all in a row basically, who all have the same first name are very, very low. I am starting to think that should be one on my filter parameters, or perhaps one of my "must haves" - why fight it, right?
This newest Michelle - Shelli - seems pretty neat. She definitely has a sense of humor and some real personality. We talked on the phone for the first time last night and it went really well - very easy and fun to talk to. We are set to meet on Sunday at Tempe Marketplace, so we'll see if there is any chemistry there. My only concern at this point - and it's a pretty goofy one, especially considering the fact that I don't believe in astrology all that strongly - is that I am a Taurus and she is an Aquarius. And all of the stuff I have found so far on the compatibility of the 2 signs say that it is a very difficult match, and that there is very little chance of things working out.... NOW, all of them did say that the sexual chemistry between these 2 signs is pretty fantastic, and one even said that it is so good that it can even override some of the other diffculties! Yyyyeaaahhhhh... So you just KNOW that I am going to ride this one out (total punuendo intended) to at least check that out! (hopefully)
What else is going on... well, I found out how to make some adjustments to my bike on this cool site I found and joined, GZ250bike.com. They have an awesome forum, and I found some info about adjusting the rear break lever (which seemed to be WAY too high on my bike) as well as the shift lever (which seemed to be way too low for me). So I made adjustments to both of them, and it is so much nicer - and safer - to ride now! Turns out the rear brake lever was completely out of whack and wasn't even resting on the adjustment screw at all - that's why it was so high.
Everything else is going well. Galen is feeling better, Tess is doing well, and I am pretty darned peachy myself. I have made contact with a number of different woman on pof and am enjoying "playing the field" a bit. On a side note, I have heard nothing - no email, no text, no nothing - from Michelle since last Friday. I am wondering if she isn't on vacation, maybe out of country or something. I hope she is ok. Hopefully she will contact me soon.
One last item of note - I have been sticking faithfully to my morning meditation time, about 10 minutes every morning, and really enjoying it. I think I am more calm, centered and serene when incorporating it into my morning. So I am going to keep it up. Think that's all for now - the adventure continues....
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Day Weekend, Michelle, and other happenings...
This weekend we - Tess, Galen and I - went up to Dogtown Lake and went camping with Marsh and Kristina, Mike and Teri, and about 4 or 5 families they know. It was fun, although I felt a little awkward, as the families they camped with were not overly friendly or welcoming - at least not as I saw it. Galen got sick the first night we were up there, and ran a 104º temperature. We gave him some ibuprofen, but it was still pretty high Saturday morning, so I ran him into Williams to the urgent care center. They prescribed him some amoxicillin, but the poor kid basically spent the whole weekend sleeping on a bed in Mike and Teri's trailer.
I kinda' started to bad trip on the situation Saturday night, and popped off a little bit on Marshal and Kristina, telling them how I felt out of place, like we were 'encroaching' on those other families, and that I was considering leaving Saturday night. I basically ended up just staying in the tent all night and sleeping/meditating. I actually had a pretty powerful meditation in which I realized that there was something to be learned from all this, that I wanted to make a concerted effort to be extremely welcoming and friendly to people I did not know in future situations. I woke up in a much better mood Sunday morning, and promply apologized to M & K. Ironically enough, I sat down next to some of the people from the other families, and they actually said hi and visited with me. Go figure!
While Galen was sick, Tessi had a great time. She got a chance to do a lot of driving on the Rhino and she got quite a kick out of that. She put 6 miles on Saturday and really did a great job. I think she is going to make a pretty good driver when she gets to be that age.
I think the biggest news of the weekend for me however was getting a text from Michelle - the one that I felt so bad about screwing things up with. She basically was just saying "hi" and that she was going to be on a temporary cell for a couple of weeks and wanted me to have the number. I was a little surprised, as she was going out with someone else, and basically told her that in a text. Then, in a rather shocking turn of events, she texted back, saying that "the relationship had fizzled a bit" and that my emails had "rocked her world a bit." Well I was of course elated, and tried frantically all weekend to get more info from her. But, for whatever reason, she has been completely out of communication since that text Friday night.
So now I am sitting here on pins and needles wondering what exactly is going on, if there is another chance for me, and what is going on with her - why she has been unreachable for the last 3 days, and why her FB profile is gone (I searched for it too, but it looks like it is gone.) I am thinking that maybe she is on vacation or something. But part of me is wondering if she wasn't being stalked by someone like Ryan or something...? I mean, it just seems weird that she wouldn't check her email or cell phone at all, even if she was on vacation.
I have thought long and hard about it, and I really would like another chance with her. She has baggage, yes. But then again, don't we all? She has so much other stuff going for her - some of that stuff physical, things that I have some issues with : no hair on her face, pale skinned, nice chest, well manicured, pretty feet. I mean, there are a lot of things that I have issues with when it comes to dating someone, and she truly has all the right things in all the right places for my taste.
And mentally, spiritually and emotionally speaking, she is beautiful. She is very in touch with her emotions and has no trouble expressing them. She is very generous about communications, and I never feel "ripped off" after sending her an email, because I always get wieghty one back. I can only hope that all is well with her and that I will hear from her soon.
I guess it is worth noting that I am not going to pursue anything with the other "Michele." We were supposed to meet yesterday, but she texted me early in the morning saying she was going golfing, that she would take a raincheck, and that I could "get my laundry done," a reference to a comment I made the night before about not having an open window of time, as I had laundry to do. It is probably for the best, as there were some things that were not too attractive to me with her, not the least of which was her frequent use of f-bombs and other curse words. Also, the way she talked so badly about people. Neither of those are characteristics that I want in someone I date. On top of it all, she seemed very cold - was not fun to flirt with at all.
So I guess now I wait and see what happens with my good Michelle. God willing, and having mercy on me, I will hear from her soon! Lol : )
I kinda' started to bad trip on the situation Saturday night, and popped off a little bit on Marshal and Kristina, telling them how I felt out of place, like we were 'encroaching' on those other families, and that I was considering leaving Saturday night. I basically ended up just staying in the tent all night and sleeping/meditating. I actually had a pretty powerful meditation in which I realized that there was something to be learned from all this, that I wanted to make a concerted effort to be extremely welcoming and friendly to people I did not know in future situations. I woke up in a much better mood Sunday morning, and promply apologized to M & K. Ironically enough, I sat down next to some of the people from the other families, and they actually said hi and visited with me. Go figure!
While Galen was sick, Tessi had a great time. She got a chance to do a lot of driving on the Rhino and she got quite a kick out of that. She put 6 miles on Saturday and really did a great job. I think she is going to make a pretty good driver when she gets to be that age.
I think the biggest news of the weekend for me however was getting a text from Michelle - the one that I felt so bad about screwing things up with. She basically was just saying "hi" and that she was going to be on a temporary cell for a couple of weeks and wanted me to have the number. I was a little surprised, as she was going out with someone else, and basically told her that in a text. Then, in a rather shocking turn of events, she texted back, saying that "the relationship had fizzled a bit" and that my emails had "rocked her world a bit." Well I was of course elated, and tried frantically all weekend to get more info from her. But, for whatever reason, she has been completely out of communication since that text Friday night.
So now I am sitting here on pins and needles wondering what exactly is going on, if there is another chance for me, and what is going on with her - why she has been unreachable for the last 3 days, and why her FB profile is gone (I searched for it too, but it looks like it is gone.) I am thinking that maybe she is on vacation or something. But part of me is wondering if she wasn't being stalked by someone like Ryan or something...? I mean, it just seems weird that she wouldn't check her email or cell phone at all, even if she was on vacation.
I have thought long and hard about it, and I really would like another chance with her. She has baggage, yes. But then again, don't we all? She has so much other stuff going for her - some of that stuff physical, things that I have some issues with : no hair on her face, pale skinned, nice chest, well manicured, pretty feet. I mean, there are a lot of things that I have issues with when it comes to dating someone, and she truly has all the right things in all the right places for my taste.
And mentally, spiritually and emotionally speaking, she is beautiful. She is very in touch with her emotions and has no trouble expressing them. She is very generous about communications, and I never feel "ripped off" after sending her an email, because I always get wieghty one back. I can only hope that all is well with her and that I will hear from her soon.
I guess it is worth noting that I am not going to pursue anything with the other "Michele." We were supposed to meet yesterday, but she texted me early in the morning saying she was going golfing, that she would take a raincheck, and that I could "get my laundry done," a reference to a comment I made the night before about not having an open window of time, as I had laundry to do. It is probably for the best, as there were some things that were not too attractive to me with her, not the least of which was her frequent use of f-bombs and other curse words. Also, the way she talked so badly about people. Neither of those are characteristics that I want in someone I date. On top of it all, she seemed very cold - was not fun to flirt with at all.
So I guess now I wait and see what happens with my good Michelle. God willing, and having mercy on me, I will hear from her soon! Lol : )
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