Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

Dare I say it - dream girl...?

That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....

We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.

I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.

Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.

And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me! 

We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.

I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God!  : )

November Updates

Ok – so I have just GOT to take a break (I already have been, but apparently it wasn’t the right kind! Lol) from this monotonous coding I am doing. Somehow, we – I – got roped into doing a reporting application for this project called “BEAT,” and it has been extremely tedious, to say the least. I thought a couple of times that I would get out of it, as it has been the motto of the TES Dev team that “we don’t do reports” ever since I got here. But alas, all attempts to get someone else on another team to do them have failed, and I am stuck with them. Yay. I so love report writing/building. NOT! At least I am learning some things though, so that is good.


I am writing this in Word with the intentions of emailing it to myself so I can then post in on my blog – my ‘journal’ blog – which I have not posted to in some time. I have to go through all this rigmarole because they have blocked all Blogspot sites now at work – dang it all anyway! And, when I have been posting, I have been doing so to my latest blog, “108 Bows”, keeping track of the daily bows and my thoughts on them. That has been a great experience, and I am really glad I ran across them.

I thought that I probably ought to catch up a bit though on life stuff, as I haven’t done so for some time. Nothing has really changed. All done! Ha ha! In actuality, there has not been a lot of outward change, except of course for one big thing : I am dipping my toes back into the dating waters again. I had resolved to basically give up, but once again Diana convinced me (not so much convinced as successfully encouraged) to get back out there again. And so, I did just that – this time trying out yet another completely different site, OkCupid. It is one that Mike had recommended to me awhile back, but I actually ran across it doing a Google search for free dating sites. I put up a profile, and have been on there for like a month now…?

At first, it was EXTREMELY slow going. I tried some different things – changed my profile around, added some different pics, etc – and finally started getting some responses. This last Friday, I had my first meeting with someone – a woman named Pam. I had actually set up a meeting with another woman named Bunny on Friday night, but because it seemed like I would have much more in common with Pam, and the email convo seemed much livelier, I cancelled with Bunny and met Pam instead. She was sweet, but as often has happened, she was a little thicker than I prefer, particularly in the stomach area. I really do try to give everyone a shot and to be as nonjudgmental as possible. But I just am not attracted to women with big bellies. And now that I have lost so much weight, and am “Lean and mean,” I don’t consider myself hypocritical in saying that. As far as Bunny goes, she seemed a little ‘off’ to me, like very non-humorous, and maybe a bit dreary, so I don’t think I will be meeting her.

A very interesting prospect has arisen though – one I am very hopeful about. They have this ‘match rating ‘ thing on OkC where they send you a message with the images of 9 women, saying that one of them gave you(me) a good rating, and inviting me to rate all of the women whose images are attached. Then, if I rate one of the women who gave me a high rating (without knowing which woman has done that), they send an email to that woman letting her know that I gave her a high rating too. It actually is a pretty cool system, and I like the “mystery” part of it. It’s like a gameshow – not knowing which woman out of all of them may have rated me highly… kinda’ fun!

So anyway, I got one of those things, and went through rating the ladies. When I was finished, I checked my messages, and got a notification that a woman with the username ((( tn_3ogirl…? ))) rated me 4 or 5 stars too. When I looked back over her profile, she sounded sweet, and looked VERY cute to boot. Also, it looked like she was in good shape – BONUS! So I sent her a message, and we have been emailing the past 2 or 3 days. The pattern so far has been that I send her an email, she responds in the evening, and then I send her another one, etc, basically, just sending each other one a day. And this time, I am taking my time, and letting her control that pace – not sending like 10 a day, or asking if we can meet yet, or exchanging phone numbers – just taking it easy. I think the reason I can, and am doing that this time is that she seems like such a high quality prospect. For starters, she mentions right in her profile that she was raised in the South, with proper manners, and still says “please” and “thank you”; 2 big bonuses there – the politeness, and the southern accent (sexy!). On top of that, she displays good grammar, spelling and content in her emails (says Professor of English, Dr Wood! Lol) She always answers all of my questions, adds comments that relate to it regarding her, and then asks me questions in return. And to top it all off, she is very gracious, mentions that she looks forward to hearing back from me, and has made some sweet little compliments/comments that let me know she is interested (likes my smile, sais something to the effect that “all the good guys come from that part of town” in reference to where I live). So we’ll see what happens.

The one thing I am trying to really focus on this time is NOT SCREWING IT UP! Ha ha. That might sound like a no-brainer, but for me, has actually been very challenging, esp. when dealing with someone I have a deep interest in. I tended to go too far too quick, too seriously, and forget to take my time. I tended to forget that this part of getting to know each other can be fun, and doesn’t need to be rushed through to get to the part where we are dating. And I often forgot that my communication style and frequency (frequency primarily) is different than most, and I can expect others to meet up to it only at my peril. I used past-tense for all of those terms because that is what I used to do, tendencies I USED to have – no more. I am changing. I am learning from my past experiences. I am growing in my relationship skills and I am capable of making good decisions. I think I am ready to be a good relationship partner for someone, and a good “dater”.

I am also keeping in mind that she – Debbie is her name – is not necessarily “the one”. She could drop all communication today. I could end up never meeting her F2F. We could meet, and find out that there is no chemistry. We could meet, go out on a few dates, and then find that out, like what happened with Patricia. All of these things are possible, and statistically speaking much more likely than the possibility that she is “the one.” That is not to say that she couldn’t be – it is just to say that I will not be doing myself, her, or anyone else any favors by thinking and acting as if she is…

Wow, I just became fully conscious of what I am writing, and thought to myself “Right on Kevin! You/I am learning! Way to go!” It’s cool to have thoughts and realizations like that – it really is. I have been treating myself better too, literally. I went out this weekend and bought myself a really cool new faux leather jacket and some cool black casual shoes so I can look nice on dates. And you know what? I deserve it – I really do. I have worked hard – as a dad, as an employee, as a person in recovery, and as a human being trying to better himself. And for that, and everything in my life today, I am truly thankful : )

Slow but steady

Things seem to be continuing to improve, both with my mental state and with my relationship with Galen, slowly and steadily. I think the counselling session may have really helped and am glad I finally got some going for him. I know my session with Diana helped a lot. I am seeing her again in about 2 and a half hours. I was thinking that maybe when I saw her Monday night, we would skip the appt I originally had scheduled for today. But she seemed to think, and I agreed, that it might be a good idea to go ahead and come in today too.

In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.

I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?

Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.

A break in the clouds

Last night I had a session with Diana, and it provided me with some much needed time to reprogram my self-talk, destress, and get back on some kind of positive track. When I got to her office at 7:50pm, I was a total mess. Just before I left home, Galen had snuck out and left a message saying he would be back to watch Tess. I got extremely upset, thinking that he had left to intentionally stress me out. And of course, I have already been majorly stressed out from his behavior and poor attendance/performance at school. Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had gone into work early so I could leave early and take him to his first counselling appt (which went very well, btw). So there was a thought (almost said feeling - getting back to the ABC's - more about that in a minute) of "I go out of my way to take him to his appt, but he can't stick around to watch Tessi for mine". Of course, anger followed that thought.

And that, right there, is the root of the issues I am facing, and indeed, the root of most of my anger, depression and misery : the thoughts I have, the stories I tell myself about situations, and the resulting feelings that those thoughts generate. Some time ago in my work with Diana, I did some work with the ABC's of emotions - work that was specifically targeted to address this very issue - jumping to an emotional response without even 'seeing', or being aware of the thoughts I was having/stories I was telling myself about the event(s).

So last night, Diana encouraged me to start doing my ABC's again, and I am going to do just that. She has caught me several times lately, and I have caught myself, saying "I feel like I am not appreciated, I feel like no one cares, I feel.....", when in reality, the truth is "I think that I am not appreciated, I think that no one cares," and those thoughts then create emotions. I have been falling back into my old behavior of just mislabelling thoughts as emotions and skipping the critical link between them. And that is where I can actually take some action to counteract the negative emotions - by looking at those thoughts/stories, and determining whether or not they are true/rational, and then, if they are irrational, replacing them with rational ones : rational emotive behavioral therapy at it's finest.

And so I am breaking out my ABC worksheets and going to get back to it tonight. Honestly, part of me really doesn't want to - just seems like more 'work' to do. Then again, another part of me is somewhat fascinated with the science of it all, and interested to "experiment" on myself to see what happens. I am definitely a challenging case if ever there was one. And though I get extremely depressed at times, and just want to give up, to throw in the towel, or worse yet, to just die - I always seem to come to the surface again to take another gasp of air and keep swimming. And as long as that keeps happening, I will keep trying to do something to stop the cycle of self abuse. That is what I am calling it now, because at this point, there is no one abusing me - no one outside of myself. It is the 'internal abuser' I need to focus on healing and reprogramming, and so that is what I am doing. I have to keep trying - what else is there?

Not happy - just not depressed

That may sound like a bit of a contradiction, but I am coming to see that in fact, it is not. For me, it is a place that I want to get to - where I am not necessarily happy, but I am not depressed either. I have been thinking about what the Dalai Lama says about happiness in his book (which I have on CD) "The Art of Happiness," and how happiness, at least as far as the way most of us define it anyway, is fleeting, and impermanent. Therefore, if that is what I spend all of my time seeking, I am bound to have periods when I am down, because it seems like I will nevr find that which I seek - or if I do, I will only lose it again at some time.

Instead, what I am going to start working on is just not being, or getting, depressed. It's not so much that I want to be happy all the time, because not only is that basically impossible, if I was, it would signal some type of emotional imbalance and lack of empathy - neither of which is attractive to me. No, what I am seeking instead is a way of thinking and being that allows me to stay out of the pit of depression that I sink into so often. Instead of trying to build a "stairway to heave", to happiness as it were, I am going to spend my time working on a safety harness to keep me out of the pit. It is a shift in thinking, a shift in focus, and I am thinking that at this point in my life, that may be exactly what I need - especially considering the fact that I am still feeling a little down, even after a weekend filled with friends and nice gestures.

The book that Diana lent me, "The Enneagram of Liberation," is very, very good, and I am getting a lot out of it. It seems that is the primary focus of that book too, in a roundabout way : it's not about figuring out how to be happy; it's about recognizing our character fixations so we can learn to loosen the grip they have on us, and allow our True selves to shine through the veils of our egos. Which is all just a fancy way to say to get over ourselves, and stop taking everything - including the things we think and feel - so personally. I am really liking the book.

And I am going to pick up that other one I mentioned in my last post as well, and start it just as soon as I am done with the one I am reading. I have spent most of my life fighting this depression, and just like the classic poem says, I will "not go quietly" into that dark night of the soul. I am going to keep struggling to gain freedom from my inner tormentor and won't rest until I do. At the very leat, I will have the comfort of knowing that I am not just wallowing in self-pity, thinking I somehow "deserve" to feel this way - because I don't. No one does.

Oh Boy....

Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.

Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.

The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.

Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?

Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.

I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!

Busy week, big day tomorrow

Wow, I guess I have actually been pretty busy at work this week! Considering the fact that my only post this week was on Monday. That's a good thing though. I have been really challenged with some JavaScript stuff in the project I am working on (Better Together 2010) and it has been very rewarding, as one of my work-related goals has been able to increase my proficiency in JavaScript. I just had a bit of a breakthrough, so I thought I would take a moment to "celebrate" by catching up here a little bit. Turns out I was making something MUCH more complicated than it really was (imagine that! Ha ha!)- accessing the value of a control sent to a JavaScript method. All I had to do was 'control.value', but instead I was trying all kinds of whacky stuff. D'oh!

So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.

I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!

And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.

For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.

So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!