A break in the clouds

Last night I had a session with Diana, and it provided me with some much needed time to reprogram my self-talk, destress, and get back on some kind of positive track. When I got to her office at 7:50pm, I was a total mess. Just before I left home, Galen had snuck out and left a message saying he would be back to watch Tess. I got extremely upset, thinking that he had left to intentionally stress me out. And of course, I have already been majorly stressed out from his behavior and poor attendance/performance at school. Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had gone into work early so I could leave early and take him to his first counselling appt (which went very well, btw). So there was a thought (almost said feeling - getting back to the ABC's - more about that in a minute) of "I go out of my way to take him to his appt, but he can't stick around to watch Tessi for mine". Of course, anger followed that thought.

And that, right there, is the root of the issues I am facing, and indeed, the root of most of my anger, depression and misery : the thoughts I have, the stories I tell myself about situations, and the resulting feelings that those thoughts generate. Some time ago in my work with Diana, I did some work with the ABC's of emotions - work that was specifically targeted to address this very issue - jumping to an emotional response without even 'seeing', or being aware of the thoughts I was having/stories I was telling myself about the event(s).

So last night, Diana encouraged me to start doing my ABC's again, and I am going to do just that. She has caught me several times lately, and I have caught myself, saying "I feel like I am not appreciated, I feel like no one cares, I feel.....", when in reality, the truth is "I think that I am not appreciated, I think that no one cares," and those thoughts then create emotions. I have been falling back into my old behavior of just mislabelling thoughts as emotions and skipping the critical link between them. And that is where I can actually take some action to counteract the negative emotions - by looking at those thoughts/stories, and determining whether or not they are true/rational, and then, if they are irrational, replacing them with rational ones : rational emotive behavioral therapy at it's finest.

And so I am breaking out my ABC worksheets and going to get back to it tonight. Honestly, part of me really doesn't want to - just seems like more 'work' to do. Then again, another part of me is somewhat fascinated with the science of it all, and interested to "experiment" on myself to see what happens. I am definitely a challenging case if ever there was one. And though I get extremely depressed at times, and just want to give up, to throw in the towel, or worse yet, to just die - I always seem to come to the surface again to take another gasp of air and keep swimming. And as long as that keeps happening, I will keep trying to do something to stop the cycle of self abuse. That is what I am calling it now, because at this point, there is no one abusing me - no one outside of myself. It is the 'internal abuser' I need to focus on healing and reprogramming, and so that is what I am doing. I have to keep trying - what else is there?

Latest Galen update

This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :

 I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.

I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.

So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.

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And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.

Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.

So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all  the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )

Good new book

I have been doing some online "shopping" for a new book to read, something dealing with overcoming or healing feelings of loneliness, and I found one called "Heal Your Aloneness" dealing with inner child therapy and such. So I stopped by Gifts Anon last night on my way home, found it, bought it and started reading it last night. I had read a few pages of it on Amazon.com and thought it would hit the spot, and man does it ever. I can't remember ever reading any book that so perfectly describes those deep seated feelings, thoughts and emotions I experience deep inside. I was just stunned at how many little intricacies they pegged. I think it is going to be a very helpful book and am looking forward to reading deeper into it.

Geez, I guess I don't have a lot more to share this morning. Happy to be sober and grateful for what is...

Steady as she goes

I guess the title pretty much sums up the current state I am in - steady as she goes. I am not in some joyous state of exuberance, but I am not depressed either. And I am thinking that this in-between state, this place of relative calmness and serenity, might be the best place for me to stay. I think too often I try to achieve some level oh "happiness" that I feel I am somehow missing, and by doing so, set myself up for some greater downfall later, and that kind of happiness can never last. I think I wrote about this a little in an earlier post too.

I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if  she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.

And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.

So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.

Continuing on the path

...the path leading to the cessation of suffering. I had an appt with Diana yesterday and clarified some thoughts I came away from the last appt with - mainly that perhaps she thought I needed to start seeing someone else, that I was being too needy, or too dependent on her. She said that there was some teeny, tiny part of her that was concerned about something along those lines, but that I shouldn't worry about it - it was just a little something she had going on, and that I should feel free to call whenever I need to if I think I am in need. That was really good to hear, as I really think I have made a lot of good progress with Diana, and of the few therapists I've had, she has definitely been the best about using ALL kinds of different methods, and not just one or 2.

In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.

I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.

So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.

A real bugger

Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.

I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.

I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.

And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.

So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.

What a difference a weekend can make

So it's not news to know that I was feeling pretty depressed for most of last week. I had my appt with Diana Thursday and felt better after. Friday was a short day at work, and a day that saw Jennifer come over to my desk, look over the Better Together app, and tell me it looked very nice. All that was very good, and served to really start pulling me out of my depression. Little did I know that the events of the weekend would continue that trend, and in ways I could not have imagined.

It started off with getting a text Friday evening from Paul Fischer inviting me to dinner before the meeting with him and some other guys. I accepted, and was very flattered and grateful to have been invited, as Paul has a lot of sobriety, and I always like what he shares. I like what he's got. Not long after accepting that invite, I got a call from John Ybarra from work. He told me that he and his wife Marie were going to go to Spinato's over by where I live, and they were wondering if I would like to join them. I told him I would love to, but that I had already accepted a dinner invite from another friend. I mentioned that if they went out again sometime though, to let me know, and I would love to join them.

So I met Paul for dinner, and there were about 5 other people there - Jim Akridge, Chris, Harvey, a guy named Earl, and a really cool guy named Jon S whom I had never met before. We engaged in some great convo, and it was really cool to spend some time with everyone outside of the meeting. I got Jon's phone number and told him maybe we could get coffee sometime, as he lives over off of 7th ave and Bethany. All in all, it was a great night.

So then Saturday, I am running around doing some small errands, and John calls me again and says that he and Marie are going to that seafood place he's told me about on 19th ave, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet them there for lunch. I told them I would love to, and so we met there, and I had some AWESOME tilapia, the best I have ever had. It was great to visit with them outside of work, and they are really fun to hang out with. To top it all off, Marie even treated, which I thought was fantastic! I very rarely get treated out, or at least it seems that way. John invited me over to their place after, so I finally got to see where they live. I hung out for a few (about an hour or so) and we visited. It was really, really nice, and very relaxing. They are some good people for sure.

Then Sunday, I got a message through Facebook from an old college bud, Michael Guinto, asking if maybe I wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. Fortunately, the kids were gone all weekend - Tessi at her Mom's, and Galen at a friend's, so I was able to say "yes" without hesitating. Later that night, I decided, off the cuff, to go to a CA meeting at Crossroads East, "Diet Coke," and when I walked in, lo and behold, but who was sitting there??? Sharon! I could hardly believe it - it was hilarious. We had been talking about getting together for coffee, but hadn't made it happen yet. Well, after the meeting, we headed to Starbucks, and sat and chatted for over 2 hours. It was really great to catch up, and we both agreed that we need to get our old movie thing going again.

Monday morning, I got ready, and went to meet Mikey at AZ Mills. We had a little coffee at Starbucks, and he suggested we go get some lunch. I told him I wasn't that hungry, but that it sounded good to hang out. So he took me to this restaurant he likes called Sun Asian, and we ate lunch together. And, for the second time in the weekend, I got treated, as he paid for lunch! Then we went over to his place, and he hooked his laptop up and showed me some LINQ stuff on his laptop. It was really cool, and very informative. After that, we sat and chatted about all kinds of stuff  - depression, "What the Bleep Do We Know?", self help stuff, quantum physics - it was awesome, and we had some great convo. I told him that we need to get together again, and he agreed.

And so, it was a weekend filled with friends - many of whom I didn't even realize were such good friends, like Paul, Mikey, John... It was as if God knew I really needed to be around some good people, and he put them all right there in my life for me, just when I needed it most. And I was - I am - SOOOO grateful for it, I truly am. My typical MO would have been to just spend most of the weekend alone, trying to stay busy so I didn't feel lonely. But out of the blue, and into my heart, came all these great people to share some of my time and my life with. Wow.... it's just so cool, and so awe-inspiring. Last night, I was telling Tessi about it when we had gotten home, and she said, "well, you're really nice and they probably wanted to spend some time with you." And indeed, I have to believe she was right. I guess I just need to remember that when I start feeling down, and reach out to some of these wonderful people. Lord knows, I'm sure glad they reached out to me...

Sometimes the best thing to say...

...is absolutely nothing at all. That's what my old grand-sponsor Brian Ong said at a meeting one time, and I have never forgotten it. So many times in my life, I have fired out of my mouth whatever was in my mind, and really made a mess for myself - said things I couldn't take back that ended up costing me - relationships, jobs, advancement opportunities, ad infinitum. But yesterday, and several times actually over the last couple of years, I have actually put that into practice, and just said nothing, even though I really, REALLY wanted to say something - most often related to my job and surrounding situations. Like yesterday - I wanted to be a total smartass and say soemthing to Jennifer, like "thanks a lot for taking the time to check out my app." Man, I am SOOOO thankful I just said nothing. I mean, what an asshole I would have felt like if I had, and then somehow been able to look at what was to happen today if I hadn't - thank GOD.

Jennifer sent a couple of emails yesterday late - one saying she was sorry for not getting together with me to look at the app, and one saying that she would be around today in the morning and that, if I was around too, she would like to see it. So, she stopped over just now, I took her through the app, and she really, really liked it - said how nice it looks, and mentioned how happy she thinks Ed Oxford and Peter Fine will be. And I have to say, it felt really good to hear her say that. Like Diana said yesterday (I had an appt with her last night at 4pm), it is ego that wants to hear that stuff, and in reality, it isn't important to hear it. It's just that my ego likes external approval and recognition, so it craves shit like that, and when it doesn't get what it wants, it can throw some serious depression my way. In fact, she lent me a book on the Enneagram and getting "unstuck" and the first parts of it that I read last night were about exactly that - ego, and how it drives us, how it must be destroyed.

Now I'm not so sure about the whole "destroyed" thing. I have read in other texts that instead of trying to destroy it, we might be better off trying to make peace with it, to heal it, and to accept it. It seems that the only people who were able to rid themselves entirely of ego were enlightened masters. And one thing I know for sure right now is that I am no "enlightened master". That's not to say that I can't be someday, and not to say that I don't want to be. It's just stating the fact of what is, for right now.

So thank God, thank Brian Ong, thank Diana and thank and thank me - for keeping my trap shut, and for trodding through the depression that once again gripped me. I may not have completely escaped its ravages, and I may still have said some tough things to the kids, and wallowed in some self-pity. But the things I said to the kids weren't as bad as some of the things I've said; the self-pity was rather limited this time (didn't post a bunch stuff on Facebook); and I didn't quit my job or kill myself. In fact, I didn't do any cutting this time either - all victories for me today. And I am grateful for all of it

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction

With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.

But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.

As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.

So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!

So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!

I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!

I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )

Update on the date

So I finally had the 'big' date with Wendy, and we actually had a nice day together. I was pretty excited at first, because as she approached the lightrail station, I noticed she was wearing a light skirt, with high slits up both sides, and a top that showed a little bit of cleavage. I am thinking, "ok, she must like me, cuz she is showing some skin." But interestingly enough, once we actually met up, I couldn't tell if that was the case or not, and that was pretty much the vibe of the day. Not to say we didn't have a nice time, because we did.

We went to the Phoenix Art Museum, which I had never been to, and I was really impressed by the sheer size and beauty of the place. We spent probably 2 or 3 hours there. There was one moment, shortly after we first got there, when she was squeezing in front of me to look at something, and had her butt resting on my nether region, and again I was thinking, "momma's doing some flirting here!" But after that, there wasn't really any more of that type of interaction, so again, I was left wondering.

We went out to a late lunch after, at a place called Maizie's, and had a nice time there as well. It seemed like she was pretty "into" the waiter, who was a good looking younger guy, but maybe that is just her nature, a bit flirty. In any case, we had some nice conversation, which was good, because the item I ordered, the Caesar salad, pretty much sucked! I've had much better ones. No big though.

When we got back to the park and ride, I walked her to her van, we exchanged a nice hug, and although I had thought about going in for a little kiss, she made clear by the way she turned her head away after the hug that that was not happening. Which was ok. So I was left not really knowing how she felt about me, but thinking that she really wasn't too attracted to me physically.

I sent her an email Saturday night telling her that I had a nice time and that I was attracted to her - that it would be cool if we met for lunch. I got an email back from her saying that she would let me know about lunch, and that was it. That has been very typical of our email communications : I will say something personal, and complimentary, and when she replies, she keeps it very sterile, and never really acknowledges what I have said. I haven't let it get to me though, as I know I have communication issues, and have been telling myself "no worries, that's just how she communicates."

Since I had disclosed so much about how I felt about her though, and she hadn't said anything about how she felt about me really, I sent her an email last night asking flatly, "what do you think of me so far?" Her reply was that we share a lot of common interests and relationship goals, but that she didn't have that "fuzzy" feeling. She said she was willing to keep meeting though to see if it develops. I replied that was cool with me, and that the reason I asked is because I had gotten that feeling from her. So where does that leave all this?

Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think it basically means that we are right where she said we are : there aren't any overpowering feelings of "fuzziness" on either side, but that we can meet up and do things together, because we get along well. I like her, but I am not feeling drawn to her or overly "fuzzy" myself - not like was with Michelle or anything. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she seems to have a Dr. Spock like quality to her when it comes to the romance part of it - and perhaps that is because she isn't really attracted to me. She does laugh and express emotion about other things, but when the conversation turns to relationship or attraction type subjects, she becomes very cold and rational, or tries to pretty much just shut it down.

The great thing for me today is that I am ok with it just like it is. Is she nice? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Am I desperately longing to be with her? No, I'm not. I am ok with things no matter how they go - and for me, that is awesome. I have been striving to reach this place, and been seeking the willingness to let go of that "love at first site/fairy tale" romance delusion so I could get here. It is far too early to say that I am completely there, but I am definitely on the path. And all I can say is "Phhhewwwwwww! What a relief!" Ha ha! I needed to find some serenity about this relationship obsession I have grappled with; I have needed to trust the Universe and let go; and it seems that, even in this smalls dose, that is starting to happen. For that, and everything in my life, I truly say "Thank you Lord!"

Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity

Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.

This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.

But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.

For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....

You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.

So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!

The Path to Healing

I got an email from Ty yesterday, and she said she is going to start attending SLAA meetings, and suggested it might be a good idea for me too. I didn't know what SLAA was at first, and was wondering why she would think I need to attend it too since I already attend AA meetings. So I looked it up, and it turns out it is "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous." 'What? I'm not a ssex addict?!' was my initial thought, But she suggested I read down the page at the different types, that she had seen herself, and me in there. And so I did that - and indeed, I did find myself.

Here are 2 excerpts that caught my eye (from http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html) :

"Ambivalent Love Addicts: ALAs suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs also come in different forms, listed below"

"Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever."


YYYyyyyyeeahhhhh.... If ever there were 2 perfect descriptions of me, there they are. Of course, I at first thought that by 'intimacy' they meant sex, so I did not fit the profile. But sex has nothing to do really with true intimacy. It is entirely possible to have sex with no intimacy, and intimacy with no sex. Here is a definition of intimacy from the web :

"a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group"

Nothing about sex in there. To me, the thing I fear is not the sex 'intimace,' it is the intimacy involved in letting someone inside - giving them the power to hurt me by letting them inside my protective wall. It is not something I do consciously, but something that happens, without doubt. So I think it would be a good idea for me to attend some of these meetings and see if they are helpful. I just need to make sure, for both of our sake, that Ty and I don't end up at the same one! Lol. It's all about healing today, and we can only heal that which we acknowledge. And today, I admit that I am a love addict - step one I think it is...

18 Years in the Making - what a Gift

I am sitting here listening to "Unknown Pleasures" by Joy Division - just got it last night and this is like the third time I have listened to it - and thinking of how much it reminds me of Ty, with her love for alernative music and all. But I am getting ahead of myself here. One could easily ask, "Ty? What makes you bring up Ty?" And that is a very interesting story indeed.

First, the history. When I was 21, I was living with a guy named Brian Harris in a little apartment off of 67th and Northern, dubbed "the Vortex" by my friend Doug. At the time, I was selling pot, partying, and living the free, party lifestyle. I met this girl named Ty through someone (?) as she happened to be a major potsmoker. She was very petite, very cute, very intelligent, and basically wanted by all of us. After some hanging out and various happenings, we ended up dating. We dated for about 5 or 6 months - and then she got pregnant. I of course got scared shitless, (and though I told myself at the time that I wasn't doing it because of the pregnancy thing, I probably was)and moved with my mom to South Dakota. Ty was obviously devastated, and I felt incredibly bad about it. And did so for the next 18 years.

Flash forward to 6 (almost 7 now) years ago : I get sober, and as part of that, do a 4th step and a sexual inventory, and make an 8th step list. And of course, Ty was on there. I felt horrible about what I had done, and definitely owed her an amends. I looked for her as best I knew how, and she was nowhere to be found. I tried driving by her old house, only to find that she didn't live there (like she would have still been, right? but I had to try). I asked the people living there if they knew the previous owners, they had no idea. I tried People Finders.com, and came up with an address. So I sent a letter, hoping she would get it. But it got returned - "not at this address", and I wasn't sure if maybe she was and still hated me, or she really didn't live there. After that, I basically gave up on trying to find her.

So then this last weekend, I took Luke out to visit Doug with me - the first time we had all 3 been together, and the first time Luke had seen Doug, in like 10 years. Of course we talked about all the old times - the people we hung out, the crazy stuff we did, the places we lived - and Ty's name came up. Luke mentions something about her, and say that I never knew what happened to her. He says something like, "oh, I think she is a realtor in Peoria - I saw her on the Internet the other day." I was flabbergasted, and was like "WHAT?!?! How in the heck did you find her?" He goes on to tell me that he was Googling some of the people he used to hang out with, and she popped up. Well, I was floored, and determined that when I got home, I too would Google her. (talk about ironic - I, mr "computer", had looked and looked for her, and here Luke just Googles her - D'OH!)

And so I did just that - typed in Tylee Leighton, pressed search, and there she was. WHOA! I was amazed - stunned. Here before me sits a photo and contact information for an ex g/f that I have been trying to find for years so I could make amends to her. It was indeed a realty site that she came up on. So I did what seemed like the next logical thing to do in this day and age - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. All these thoughts ran through me head, like maybe she was single, and we could have one of those Lifetime Movie romances, where we fall back in love again 20 years later. It was so surprising too, because over the years, I had always pictured her sinking deeper into her addiction, as I did, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared to be quite the opposite.

Wow - there is more to this than I thought. But I really need to do at least a LITTLE actual work, so I will continue this later!