Funny thing happened yesterday after I sent the email to Mike, basically blaming the whole thing on Ty, as she had instructed me to do : I get an email from Ty saying, "Wow, I didn't mean for you to totally throw me under the bus." "Now wait a minute," I thought to myself - "Mike must have sent her the email I sent him. And worse yet, didn't she tell me to put all the blame on her?" My reaction to all of this was one of immediate anger spurred by thoughts of betrayal and deception - things I normally associate with women anyway, so this was not good.
In explaining further, Ty said that what she really wanted was for me to blame the "connection" we shared - not her - and that I had totally 'thrown her under the bus.' As a man who TRIES to be at least a little honorable, and practice some smidgen of chivalry, just the thought of me throwing my girlfriend under the bus REALLY irritated me. So much so, that I decided to send Mike another email and take full responsiblity for everything, clearing Ty's name, and stating that if he wanted to kill me or beat me up, that I would offer no resistance. I made sure to copy Ty on it, as I wanted her to know that I had sent it, and to my surprise, she really liked it. I was thiking for some reason that she would think it went too far, but she liked the fact that I was sticking up for her, and I suppose that really shouldn't have surprised me.
But I was still left feeling somewhat angry and pretty depressed. Today she emailed me to let me know that she had answered a bunch of questions he had asked, like if we had had sex or not, and that she had answered all of them truthfully. She said that she was feeling pretty bad about all of it and that she was going to stand by him as a friend and offer moral support for him by sending him cards, letters and some food items that he likes (pad thai noodles...?). Now of course, this is the honorable, compassionate upstanding thing to do, and I totally agreed that it would be good for her to do that. However, as someone who has battled insecurity for most of his life, it really isn't sitting too well with me - and I feel like shit about that too! I mean, it is like this giant, self perpetuating cycle of things that make me feel uneasy and insecure, and then me feeling shameful that I feel that way. Wtf winonya...? Yeah, I wasn't really ready for all this. And to think that I broke things off with that Michelle chick because she had an ex b/f who was threatening suicide if she went out with me. Boy, do I know how to attract these situations or what???
I sent Ty an email stating that I was pretty uncomfortable with the whole mess and that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I also stated that maybe I am not the guy she thinks I am and basically tried to do a little "pushing away." I don't like to be vulnerable, or even close to being hurt, and I don't like the way I am feeling now. I fully expected a "I will back off" email from her, or something like that. But she shocked me and said that she doesn't really want to back off, that she was offering to for me, if I needed her to. And to be honest, I was pretty relieved. Because I do love her, and do think she is perfect for me. Damn all these complicated circumstances anyway - damn them to hell I say! Lol
What am I going to do now? Who the hell knows. I think I am just going to let her lead the way, and I am just going to go along for the ride. She sent an email awhile ago that displays a level of emotional awareness and maturity that is beyond me, so I think I am just going to hitch up to her wagon and hang on for the ride. I am not the most well-adjusted person in the world, but I have learned to say "I don't know" and accept help when needed. And thank God for that!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Reaction
Today I checked my netzero account to see 2 Facebook messages from Ty's husband, Mike, telling me basically to stay away from Ty, that I am morally wrong, that I planned this all along, and that he was getting screwed in this whole deal. And to be honest, I deserved all of that - I really did, and he is correct. Well, except for the planning part. I honestly did not have any intentions of breaking up her marriage or even of pursuing her. He also mentioned that he is going to fight with every fiber of his being to save his marriage.
The first and second email weren't too frightening. I sent him a reply stating that I was sorry, that I really had no intention of doing this, that Ty had pursued me - not the other way around. He sent a reply to that one that was slightly more threatening and mentioned something about me being a "real brave man" halfway around the world. It all server to make me feel pretty crappy about myself. And like I said - I honestly deserve a lot of it. What I am doing is wrong on some level. And what I am doing and allowing to happen is causing him a lot of pain. I really did not want that to happen and I truly feel bad about it.
My biggest fear is that he will come home from over there after having boiled and festered about this for 6 months, and he will snap. I am not some big pussy or anything, but I have the utmost respect for the amount of damage a person can do when they feel they have been betrayed, and I worry about him coming after me or my family. It is not something I take lightly, and I am sitting here pretty concerned about it right now. Ty seems to think he will cool down over the next 6 months. But then again, she never thought he would be like this at all, so I have to wonder how accurate her prediction will be.
And the moral of the story? Don't jump into a tarpit unless you like the smell of tar and don't mind being stuck for awhile. I am in waist deep and hoping that no one takes potshots at me while I am in there. How in the hell does this always happen to me? Why in the fuck don't single women like me as much as married women? Or why does it seem that way? Of course, I am just trying to shift the focus and shirk responsibility here : I got myself into this, I acted on my desires, I did things that were immoral. There is no one to blame but myself. I can only hope and pray that no one gets seriously hurt as a result of all this...
The first and second email weren't too frightening. I sent him a reply stating that I was sorry, that I really had no intention of doing this, that Ty had pursued me - not the other way around. He sent a reply to that one that was slightly more threatening and mentioned something about me being a "real brave man" halfway around the world. It all server to make me feel pretty crappy about myself. And like I said - I honestly deserve a lot of it. What I am doing is wrong on some level. And what I am doing and allowing to happen is causing him a lot of pain. I really did not want that to happen and I truly feel bad about it.
My biggest fear is that he will come home from over there after having boiled and festered about this for 6 months, and he will snap. I am not some big pussy or anything, but I have the utmost respect for the amount of damage a person can do when they feel they have been betrayed, and I worry about him coming after me or my family. It is not something I take lightly, and I am sitting here pretty concerned about it right now. Ty seems to think he will cool down over the next 6 months. But then again, she never thought he would be like this at all, so I have to wonder how accurate her prediction will be.
And the moral of the story? Don't jump into a tarpit unless you like the smell of tar and don't mind being stuck for awhile. I am in waist deep and hoping that no one takes potshots at me while I am in there. How in the hell does this always happen to me? Why in the fuck don't single women like me as much as married women? Or why does it seem that way? Of course, I am just trying to shift the focus and shirk responsibility here : I got myself into this, I acted on my desires, I did things that were immoral. There is no one to blame but myself. I can only hope and pray that no one gets seriously hurt as a result of all this...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Catching up on the latest
I have been so busy at work with the ITCC project I have been working on that I haven't even had time to blog - I mean, the nerve, right?! It's like they expect me to actually work while I am here or something. So I thought I should catch up on life happenings, seeing as how this is like my "journal" now.
First and foremost, Galen is back at home now. He had it out with Sam's boyfriend Kenny, and she basically kicked him out. I told him he could come home, as I was planning on him coming home this summer anyway. He decided to man up and finish out school at Desert Sky, which I think is a good choice. It's way up on 7th ave and Greenway, and it would be a heck of a drive for me to have to make twice a week. He is doing much better at home and we have been getting along well - I am hoping and praying it continues.
In other news, Ty and I have been seeing A LOT of each other, and we actually "got together" this last Saturday night. I was really hoping we could make it til she got divorced, but the flirting and temptation was just too much, and we caved. I was surprised to find that I actually didn't feel that guilty about it. I think the fact that her hubby is so far away and that she rarely even sees him contributed a lot to that fact. Then this week, ironically enough, he got in touch with Ty and asked her if she was still in love with me. She couldn't lie and told him yes, so the truth is out now, and she is setting the wheels in motion to get divorced.
I feel bad for her hubby, I really do. I know how it feels to some extent, although I was still detoxing when it happened with me and Sam, and I really didn't like her that much anymore anyway. But still - I know the feeling of loss and betrayal. I hope that he gets through it ok, and that things work out for him, that he finds someone to share his lofe and love with.
I am convinced that Ty is that person for me. Physically speaking, she is a little heavier than I would prefer a woman to be. But she has every other thing I want in a woman - she is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, loves kids, communicates very well, takes the things I say/write at their best instead of worst, doesn't get all defensive if I make a suggestion - I mean, she really has everything I want in a life partner. She was smoking when we first met back up, which was a dealbreaker for me, but she has quit, which I think is awesome. And I have been very frank about wanting her to get back in shape - that I would probably be resentful if she didn't, as I have worked my ass off (literally!) to get in shape, and I really want a woman who is in shape too. Again, she took that very well, and said she too wants to get into shape, and that she totally understands me feeling that way.
I mean, who could believe that? I sure in the hell am having a hard time believing it! if I had said that to Tina, she would have - and did - fucking flipped out! And even Marci would probably have had a really hard time with it. Ty just took it in stride. And whether or not it is a sign of extreme codependence on me, or pure obsession, it serves to make me love her even more, because I am who I am, and I need a woman who can hear that stuff and not take me to be mean or condescending, and Ty is that woman. It's funny - she talks about the relationship as being a table, each leg symbolizing something - one is emotional compatibility, one spiritual, one mental, and one sexual. She says that she has had a lof of one and two legged tables, and that she wants a 4 legged table, which we have together. I told her that I am so happy with the 3 awesome legs we have, that I don't even care if the 4th leg (the sexual one) is all that great or not. I have learned from experience that great sex does NOT equal a great relationship.
It is sounding like someday soon, we will be together in every sense of the word. And, ultimately, we will be married. It is weird, but I was thinking the other day that I have never really asked a woman to marry me. When Sam and I did it, it was just a formality after being together for 7 years, and we did it with a Justice of the Peace - it was not romantic AT ALL. With Ty, I want it to be a romantic wedding. I want to ask her to marry me like in the movies, and get her an engagement ring. I want to be 'engaged,' and refer to her as my fiance'. It will be the first time ever for me, as unbelievable as that may sound. And how crazy to think that it will be with my first true after-high school love. Wow, how cool is that?
So yeah, life is going pretty darned good right now. I am as happy as I have been in a long time, and am looking forward to the future while enjoying each day, one day at a time :) Whoda thunk it...
First and foremost, Galen is back at home now. He had it out with Sam's boyfriend Kenny, and she basically kicked him out. I told him he could come home, as I was planning on him coming home this summer anyway. He decided to man up and finish out school at Desert Sky, which I think is a good choice. It's way up on 7th ave and Greenway, and it would be a heck of a drive for me to have to make twice a week. He is doing much better at home and we have been getting along well - I am hoping and praying it continues.
In other news, Ty and I have been seeing A LOT of each other, and we actually "got together" this last Saturday night. I was really hoping we could make it til she got divorced, but the flirting and temptation was just too much, and we caved. I was surprised to find that I actually didn't feel that guilty about it. I think the fact that her hubby is so far away and that she rarely even sees him contributed a lot to that fact. Then this week, ironically enough, he got in touch with Ty and asked her if she was still in love with me. She couldn't lie and told him yes, so the truth is out now, and she is setting the wheels in motion to get divorced.
I feel bad for her hubby, I really do. I know how it feels to some extent, although I was still detoxing when it happened with me and Sam, and I really didn't like her that much anymore anyway. But still - I know the feeling of loss and betrayal. I hope that he gets through it ok, and that things work out for him, that he finds someone to share his lofe and love with.
I am convinced that Ty is that person for me. Physically speaking, she is a little heavier than I would prefer a woman to be. But she has every other thing I want in a woman - she is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, loves kids, communicates very well, takes the things I say/write at their best instead of worst, doesn't get all defensive if I make a suggestion - I mean, she really has everything I want in a life partner. She was smoking when we first met back up, which was a dealbreaker for me, but she has quit, which I think is awesome. And I have been very frank about wanting her to get back in shape - that I would probably be resentful if she didn't, as I have worked my ass off (literally!) to get in shape, and I really want a woman who is in shape too. Again, she took that very well, and said she too wants to get into shape, and that she totally understands me feeling that way.
I mean, who could believe that? I sure in the hell am having a hard time believing it! if I had said that to Tina, she would have - and did - fucking flipped out! And even Marci would probably have had a really hard time with it. Ty just took it in stride. And whether or not it is a sign of extreme codependence on me, or pure obsession, it serves to make me love her even more, because I am who I am, and I need a woman who can hear that stuff and not take me to be mean or condescending, and Ty is that woman. It's funny - she talks about the relationship as being a table, each leg symbolizing something - one is emotional compatibility, one spiritual, one mental, and one sexual. She says that she has had a lof of one and two legged tables, and that she wants a 4 legged table, which we have together. I told her that I am so happy with the 3 awesome legs we have, that I don't even care if the 4th leg (the sexual one) is all that great or not. I have learned from experience that great sex does NOT equal a great relationship.
It is sounding like someday soon, we will be together in every sense of the word. And, ultimately, we will be married. It is weird, but I was thinking the other day that I have never really asked a woman to marry me. When Sam and I did it, it was just a formality after being together for 7 years, and we did it with a Justice of the Peace - it was not romantic AT ALL. With Ty, I want it to be a romantic wedding. I want to ask her to marry me like in the movies, and get her an engagement ring. I want to be 'engaged,' and refer to her as my fiance'. It will be the first time ever for me, as unbelievable as that may sound. And how crazy to think that it will be with my first true after-high school love. Wow, how cool is that?
So yeah, life is going pretty darned good right now. I am as happy as I have been in a long time, and am looking forward to the future while enjoying each day, one day at a time :) Whoda thunk it...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Lovin' Corporate America - again....
Well, here I am again. And given the fact that about the only time I write here is when I am down, well... yeah.
So things have been going great at work for the last year or so - almost too good to believe. I have been getting along with everyone, no troubles, no real personality clashes, just cruising along for once. I even had my annual review a couple of weeks ago and Al told me he was really happy with the improvement I had made in that area. Ahhh, it felt so good to be on the sunny side of life... for a minute anyway.
But of course, all good things must end, and my good thing ending came by way of a new BA named Traci. I can't really think of any way to describe her, or our relationship, other than to say she rubs me the wrong way. She comes off as very demanding, a know-it-all, and seems to give very little respect or creedence to the fact that I have worked here for 2 years and she is new. We have been butting heads on the project I am on, and it finally came to a head last week. And I made a big mistake - one I have made before - and I got my ass chewed by Al for it yesterday. I emailed her boss, Jamie about it, and suggested maybe he, she and I have a meeting to talk about stuff. Well, I guess Jamie brought that email to Al, and Al was not too happy for what he viewed as an "end around." And rightly so - I fucked up, again, making the same mistake I made last year when I went to Jennifer without going to him first. You think I would learn, right? Guess not.
And I was ok with getting ripped about that part. But then he starts going into how I "have difficulties with everyone" I have ever worked with, how I had difficulties with Stephanie, Viv, and even Sue, whom I have never even worked with really. I don't know where he came up with that one, so I asked him if he was talking about outside of work too. He said that I was the only one that has had difficulties with everyone they have everp ut with me - all because of my dust up with this new BA. It was like everything he had said in the review was out the fucking window. Once again, because I chose to voice an opinion, because I took what someone (Jamie F)said at face value by talking to him about something, I got bit in the ass.
But there is another side to all this - a side I would like to simply overlook, but cannot : my part in it. And as I see it, I have a big part, and have been living against the principles I believe in by talking smack about people. I have grumbled and mumbled about Sue, Vivian (in the past), and this new BA Traci. And to be 100% honest, I got my due return for doing so. I need to remember the old adage : if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all. I need to live by that, and to work hard to keep my fucking mouth shut and just do what I am told. I thought I had gained a little seniority, and had the right to interject my opinion - but I don't. And I am letting my ego get ahold of that and really mess with me. I just need to let that part go, do what I am asked, and be grateful to have a job. A part of me sickens to read that, especially considering the way I was raised and what was instilled in me by my mom, but it is true. And it is especially true for someone trying to live in and by the Dhamma.
I am down today. I am wanting to blame it on society, on corporate America, on Al, on Traci, on Jamie - but I know in my heart that I am the cause of all my problems, and I am the solution. All that is is a reflection of my thoughts, and only by changing them can I change my world. I am going to change them - or, to put it more accurately, I am going to let God/the universe change them with me. Cuz I need help to do it, that I know. And I am willing to accept help today - that much progress I have made, thank God!
So things have been going great at work for the last year or so - almost too good to believe. I have been getting along with everyone, no troubles, no real personality clashes, just cruising along for once. I even had my annual review a couple of weeks ago and Al told me he was really happy with the improvement I had made in that area. Ahhh, it felt so good to be on the sunny side of life... for a minute anyway.
But of course, all good things must end, and my good thing ending came by way of a new BA named Traci. I can't really think of any way to describe her, or our relationship, other than to say she rubs me the wrong way. She comes off as very demanding, a know-it-all, and seems to give very little respect or creedence to the fact that I have worked here for 2 years and she is new. We have been butting heads on the project I am on, and it finally came to a head last week. And I made a big mistake - one I have made before - and I got my ass chewed by Al for it yesterday. I emailed her boss, Jamie about it, and suggested maybe he, she and I have a meeting to talk about stuff. Well, I guess Jamie brought that email to Al, and Al was not too happy for what he viewed as an "end around." And rightly so - I fucked up, again, making the same mistake I made last year when I went to Jennifer without going to him first. You think I would learn, right? Guess not.
And I was ok with getting ripped about that part. But then he starts going into how I "have difficulties with everyone" I have ever worked with, how I had difficulties with Stephanie, Viv, and even Sue, whom I have never even worked with really. I don't know where he came up with that one, so I asked him if he was talking about outside of work too. He said that I was the only one that has had difficulties with everyone they have everp ut with me - all because of my dust up with this new BA. It was like everything he had said in the review was out the fucking window. Once again, because I chose to voice an opinion, because I took what someone (Jamie F)said at face value by talking to him about something, I got bit in the ass.
But there is another side to all this - a side I would like to simply overlook, but cannot : my part in it. And as I see it, I have a big part, and have been living against the principles I believe in by talking smack about people. I have grumbled and mumbled about Sue, Vivian (in the past), and this new BA Traci. And to be 100% honest, I got my due return for doing so. I need to remember the old adage : if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all. I need to live by that, and to work hard to keep my fucking mouth shut and just do what I am told. I thought I had gained a little seniority, and had the right to interject my opinion - but I don't. And I am letting my ego get ahold of that and really mess with me. I just need to let that part go, do what I am asked, and be grateful to have a job. A part of me sickens to read that, especially considering the way I was raised and what was instilled in me by my mom, but it is true. And it is especially true for someone trying to live in and by the Dhamma.
I am down today. I am wanting to blame it on society, on corporate America, on Al, on Traci, on Jamie - but I know in my heart that I am the cause of all my problems, and I am the solution. All that is is a reflection of my thoughts, and only by changing them can I change my world. I am going to change them - or, to put it more accurately, I am going to let God/the universe change them with me. Cuz I need help to do it, that I know. And I am willing to accept help today - that much progress I have made, thank God!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Fairy Tales 2.0 - the new and improved version...
So yes, fairy tales do come true. However, the last one I wrote about turned out to be a little less than a true fairy tale when Michelles' boyfriend texted her on Saturday night threatening to kill himself, and getting her all discombobulated. She was a sweet girl, but sharing an 8 month old baby with a guy who cheated on her repeatedly over 5 years, and was threatening to kill himself, and she had broken up with only 3 months ago - yeah, that was a little too much. So....
The true fairy tale, I mean something right out of a romantic movie, has been crysallizing, and once again, 18 years later, Ty and I are in love, and both sober (her from drugs, me from everything) to really appreciate it. There are some complications - not the least of which is the fact that she is married to an army guy who is serving in Afghanistan right now. I could, and probably "should" feel really badly about even attempting anything with her on a romantic level. But it has become clear that she has loved me all these years, and that I love her and so want to have her in my life again. She makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me cry with the beautiful things she says to/about me.
And from what she has described, she does not truly love the man she is with - it was more a marriage of convenience than love, and she wants desperately to be with me. Out of concern for him, and his comrades over there, she doesn't want to tell him anyhting while he is there, and I don't blame her one little bit. I don't think either of us could live with ourselves if anything happened as a result of him being upset about finding out about this. It does make for a sticky situation, and I have vowed that we will not engage in any sexual activities until the truth has come out and they are at least separated.
More later....
The true fairy tale, I mean something right out of a romantic movie, has been crysallizing, and once again, 18 years later, Ty and I are in love, and both sober (her from drugs, me from everything) to really appreciate it. There are some complications - not the least of which is the fact that she is married to an army guy who is serving in Afghanistan right now. I could, and probably "should" feel really badly about even attempting anything with her on a romantic level. But it has become clear that she has loved me all these years, and that I love her and so want to have her in my life again. She makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me cry with the beautiful things she says to/about me.
And from what she has described, she does not truly love the man she is with - it was more a marriage of convenience than love, and she wants desperately to be with me. Out of concern for him, and his comrades over there, she doesn't want to tell him anyhting while he is there, and I don't blame her one little bit. I don't think either of us could live with ourselves if anything happened as a result of him being upset about finding out about this. It does make for a sticky situation, and I have vowed that we will not engage in any sexual activities until the truth has come out and they are at least separated.
More later....
Finding Ty
Sands of time
Clouded eyes
Love lost, once abandoned
Wandering days
Spent in pain
Looking without knowing
A stroke of luck
The heart unstuck
A ray of light shines through
What was lost
How high the cost
Healing now seems certain
I live again
My long lost friend
My heart was not truly dead
It was merely hiding
In love abiding
Waiting to find you again
Clouded eyes
Love lost, once abandoned
Wandering days
Spent in pain
Looking without knowing
A stroke of luck
The heart unstuck
A ray of light shines through
What was lost
How high the cost
Healing now seems certain
I live again
My long lost friend
My heart was not truly dead
It was merely hiding
In love abiding
Waiting to find you again
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)