The Reaction, Part 2

Funny thing happened yesterday after I sent the email to Mike, basically blaming the whole thing on Ty, as she had instructed me to do : I get an email from Ty saying, "Wow, I didn't mean for you to totally throw me under the bus." "Now wait a minute," I thought to myself - "Mike must have sent her the email I sent him. And worse yet, didn't she tell me to put all the blame on her?" My reaction to all of this was one of immediate anger spurred by thoughts of betrayal and deception - things I normally associate with women anyway, so this was not good.

In explaining further, Ty said that what she really wanted was for me to blame the "connection" we shared - not her - and that I had totally 'thrown her under the bus.' As a man who TRIES to be at least a little honorable, and practice some smidgen of chivalry, just the thought of me throwing my girlfriend under the bus REALLY irritated me. So much so, that I decided to send Mike another email and take full responsiblity for everything, clearing Ty's name, and stating that if he wanted to kill me or beat me up, that I would offer no resistance. I made sure to copy Ty on it, as I wanted her to know that I had sent it, and to my surprise, she really liked it. I was thiking for some reason that she would think it went too far, but she liked the fact that I was sticking up for her, and I suppose that really shouldn't have surprised me.

But I was still left feeling somewhat angry and pretty depressed. Today she emailed me to let me know that she had answered a bunch of questions he had asked, like if we had had sex or not, and that she had answered all of them truthfully. She said that she was feeling pretty bad about all of it and that she was going to stand by him as a friend and offer moral support for him by sending him cards, letters and some food items that he likes (pad thai noodles...?). Now of course, this is the honorable, compassionate upstanding thing to do, and I totally agreed that it would be good for her to do that. However, as someone who has battled insecurity for most of his life, it really isn't sitting too well with me - and I feel like shit about that too! I mean, it is like this giant, self perpetuating cycle of things that make me feel uneasy and insecure, and then me feeling shameful that I feel that way. Wtf winonya...? Yeah, I wasn't really ready for all this. And to think that I broke things off with that Michelle chick because she had an ex b/f who was threatening suicide if she went out with me. Boy, do I know how to attract these situations or what???

I sent Ty an email stating that I was pretty uncomfortable with the whole mess and that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I also stated that maybe I am not the guy she thinks I am and basically tried to do a little "pushing away." I don't like to be vulnerable, or even close to being hurt, and I don't like the way I am feeling now. I fully expected a "I will back off" email from her, or something like that. But she shocked me and said that she doesn't really want to back off, that she was offering to for me, if I needed her to. And to be honest, I was pretty relieved. Because I do love her, and do think she is perfect for me. Damn all these complicated circumstances anyway - damn them to hell I say! Lol

What am I going to do now? Who the hell knows. I think I am just going to let her lead the way, and I am just going to go along for the ride. She sent an email awhile ago that displays a level of emotional awareness and maturity that is beyond me, so I think I am just going to hitch up to her wagon and hang on for the ride. I am not the most well-adjusted person in the world, but I have learned to say "I don't know" and accept help when needed. And thank God for that!