Not really sure what to title this post, or what it's really going to be about. Debbie and I had a really nice weekend together celebrating the 2nd anniversary of our meeting - went to see a movie and stayed the night at a hotel. Then Sunday night, Debbie noticed that 2 of the fish had died : Nemo, whom she had for like 8 years, and a little one named Oliver that they got like a year ago. Of course she was sad, and I completely understood.
So yesterday morning, I was actually in a pretty good mood... ah, you know what, I don't even feel like writing this. It's just blah blah blah, self-pity bullshit that doesn't really matter. Suffice it to say that I'm feeling down again, and I don't know what to feel all happy about anymore. It seems sometimes like the Universe conspires against my happiness, especially during the holidays it seems, and right now I am just tired of trying to be happy. Seems 'easier' to just be down.
I think part of it too is a bit of a "pre-letdown," knowing that in all likelihood, absolutely nothing is going to happen on Dec 21st - no apocalypse, no ushering in of some golden age, no 'return of the gods' - not shit. And nothing is ever going to happen. This wonderful, boring-ass, material-oriented illusory world is just going to keep clipping along, and spiritual dreamers like me are just going to keep wishing away (when we're not too depressed to just not give a shit, like today) that something, SOMETHING will happen to wake people up and fundamentally change the nature of our existence.
I have often said that I would rather be dog, and I don't think people who hear me say it (which admittedly, there's probably only my wife and maybe one or 2 more) know just how dead serious I am. I mean, what good is this whole frontal cortex thing, when the only real function seems to be to let me understand clearly just how much different things could, and probably "should" be, and to understand also that I have almost no power to do anything about it, dream and wish and pray as I might. Sure, I can envision all kinds of wonderful stuff (another seeming 'curse' to me), but can I actually make any of it happen?
Now I know there are some who would say "But look at all the wonderful inventions we have! Someone envisioned all those things and brought them into being!" To which I would say "Big fucking deal." Because what have we really gained through all of it? We live longer - yayyy! That's what I want - to spend TWICE as long on this plane, knowing how screwed up and overly-material it is. We can communicate with people all over the world now. Yaayyy! We get to hear even more voices saying "What the...???" and still not be able to do anything about it. We get to hear more theories and concepts about spiritual realities and capabilities that will probably never exist. Fun fun.
So yeah, none of this impresses me. Every night I look into the sky and am taunted by the stars I see, as if they are saying "Ha ha! Your race is so lost and feeble that you will NEVER reach us - you're stuck!" Every day I get to read and see and hear about New Age theories and philosophies that sound SO great - most of which will never be anything more than ink on paper of pixels on a screen. And every day I get to wonder, "Why do I have to be here?" Of course I know that now I need to be here for my wife, my kids, my friends and family. God forbid the guilt and sadness they might fear if I took my life or otherwise checked out early. Some would know how much of a release it would be for me, but I'm sure many would mourn because of their attachment.
And so I linger on, waiting for something that all these people supposedly "prophesied" that probably will never happen. Fortunately, most days I am actually fairly content, able to stay in the 'now' and be grateful. But stoned or sober, on meds or off, married or single, unemployed or working someplace I like, I always come back to this place; this place of wondering "why?" and wishing for a lobotomy so I could just be numb and dumb to all the possibilities of what might be. Maybe I'll get one for Christmas - that way, by next year, I won't care that nothing happened - I won't even be aware that anything was supposed to. I can just smile blankly and go through the motions like a good little human being. Take my mind, please!
So yesterday morning, I was actually in a pretty good mood... ah, you know what, I don't even feel like writing this. It's just blah blah blah, self-pity bullshit that doesn't really matter. Suffice it to say that I'm feeling down again, and I don't know what to feel all happy about anymore. It seems sometimes like the Universe conspires against my happiness, especially during the holidays it seems, and right now I am just tired of trying to be happy. Seems 'easier' to just be down.
I think part of it too is a bit of a "pre-letdown," knowing that in all likelihood, absolutely nothing is going to happen on Dec 21st - no apocalypse, no ushering in of some golden age, no 'return of the gods' - not shit. And nothing is ever going to happen. This wonderful, boring-ass, material-oriented illusory world is just going to keep clipping along, and spiritual dreamers like me are just going to keep wishing away (when we're not too depressed to just not give a shit, like today) that something, SOMETHING will happen to wake people up and fundamentally change the nature of our existence.
I have often said that I would rather be dog, and I don't think people who hear me say it (which admittedly, there's probably only my wife and maybe one or 2 more) know just how dead serious I am. I mean, what good is this whole frontal cortex thing, when the only real function seems to be to let me understand clearly just how much different things could, and probably "should" be, and to understand also that I have almost no power to do anything about it, dream and wish and pray as I might. Sure, I can envision all kinds of wonderful stuff (another seeming 'curse' to me), but can I actually make any of it happen?
Now I know there are some who would say "But look at all the wonderful inventions we have! Someone envisioned all those things and brought them into being!" To which I would say "Big fucking deal." Because what have we really gained through all of it? We live longer - yayyy! That's what I want - to spend TWICE as long on this plane, knowing how screwed up and overly-material it is. We can communicate with people all over the world now. Yaayyy! We get to hear even more voices saying "What the...???" and still not be able to do anything about it. We get to hear more theories and concepts about spiritual realities and capabilities that will probably never exist. Fun fun.
So yeah, none of this impresses me. Every night I look into the sky and am taunted by the stars I see, as if they are saying "Ha ha! Your race is so lost and feeble that you will NEVER reach us - you're stuck!" Every day I get to read and see and hear about New Age theories and philosophies that sound SO great - most of which will never be anything more than ink on paper of pixels on a screen. And every day I get to wonder, "Why do I have to be here?" Of course I know that now I need to be here for my wife, my kids, my friends and family. God forbid the guilt and sadness they might fear if I took my life or otherwise checked out early. Some would know how much of a release it would be for me, but I'm sure many would mourn because of their attachment.
And so I linger on, waiting for something that all these people supposedly "prophesied" that probably will never happen. Fortunately, most days I am actually fairly content, able to stay in the 'now' and be grateful. But stoned or sober, on meds or off, married or single, unemployed or working someplace I like, I always come back to this place; this place of wondering "why?" and wishing for a lobotomy so I could just be numb and dumb to all the possibilities of what might be. Maybe I'll get one for Christmas - that way, by next year, I won't care that nothing happened - I won't even be aware that anything was supposed to. I can just smile blankly and go through the motions like a good little human being. Take my mind, please!
