It's pretty ironic, after reading my last post, that I was/am going to start this one by saying I am ready for the end, the conclusion, the big finale, the checkered flag, the final buzzer, the armageddon, the apocalypse - the end of this life in this time in this body in this place. I'm ready.
And I've been ready for a long time. See, it seems that no matter how good things get, or how wonderful life sometimes looks, it is evident that any happiness or joy will eventually be shattered by some event, person, experience, argument, misunderstanding, smart mouthed child, uncaring employer, emotional spouse, or even just bad mood. It is inevitable that the happiness should be shattered, and that I should end up curled up in bed wishing for the end - for my end.
That's where I was again last night. One would think that after having a beautiful wedding and wonderful honeymoon, after landing a job that I actually like with people who are actually cool to work with/for, that after getting back on a good twice a week meeting schedule and 3 times a week workout schedule, that I would be in a better place than I was before. But that - that is exactly the dynamic, evil and maddening paradox that I am referring to. Even with all of that supposed "good" stuff, I was right there in bed again last night thinking of all kinds of ways I could get out of this life. Some of the time was spent thinking about actions I could take - blowing my brains out, disemboweling myself 'hari kari' style (seriously), cutting myself, etc. I also spent a fair amount of time thinking about - actually, creatively visualizing and trying to will myself into having a heart attack, or aneurysm, or some other form of medical event that would either kill me or leave me brain dead.
Now I'm sure that to someone who has never suffered from depression - real depression, not the temporary, infrequent bouts some people experience - this sounds absolutely horrible. And if I were to say all of this to my wife or children, I'm sure it would absolutely devastate them, and probably alienate them from me completely. But the simple fact is that I have spent several days of my life laying in bed, curled up in the fetal position, dwelling on thoughts just like this. I have even wondered - in fact I was wondering this morning - how long a person had to think about something like this before it would actually manifest in his/her life. I've always heard the "mind over matter" talk, and about the role our mind can play in healing. Well, what about situations like this? Can't I "think" myself into my own death? Lord knows, I sure have tried.
And I am starting to reach a point again - hell, I've been here for a lot of my life, just had brief respites where I wasn't - where I don't want to "try" to be happy anymore; where I don't want to have to fake it for anyone; where I don't have to pretend that everything is going to get better, and that we (me and Debbie, me and the kids, the American people, whoever) are going to come out smelling like roses. I want to just stand up and say "Life sucks, things are going to get progressively worse, there is no use trying to be happy - we're all just wasting time and fooling ourselves."
That's how I truly think today. The Buddha espoused the 4 Noble Truths, and the first one is that life is suffering. No shit Siddartha. See, the thing the Buddha had going for him was the he had no wife or kids, so he could wander around for years seeking enlightenment without the burden or guilt of having left his wife and kids. But actually, he did have a wife and kids (at least one anyway) back in his life as a prince, and he did leave them behind to go seek enlightenment. So is that what I need to do? Should I just leave the fam behind, and say "I'm off to find myself"? Of course, he had the benefit of being a prince and all, so he knew that in leaving them behind, they would be well taken care of. I don't have that, but I do have the knowledge that Debbie and the girls were living just fine on their own before I came along, and we could easily get them another apartment they could all live in. Tessi could go live with her mom again, or Marshal and Kristina, and Galen already lives with a friend. So I could conceivably do that.
I am seriously considering, more and more, just how that all might work. I can honestly say that I have come INCREDIBLY close to doing some stuff that would pretty much be the death sentence for my life as I now know it, or the future I might have. I feel like it's just a matter of time before, during one of my fits of anger and/or depression, I cross that line from which there is no turning back. I am getting closer and closer to that line, and it is only by the slightest of margins that I have not walked across it yet. But more and more, I'm starting to think that it's inevitable, just like the suffering and depression I feel is.
So I am ready for the end, the big conclusion, the whimper that will be the end of my little, insignificant, God-could-care-less-if-he/she-even-exists life. I'm ready. I would much rather die of some seemingly natural cause, or an accident perhaps. But I think if one doesn't happen soon, it's just a matter of time before I take the reigns and die in some "accident" or something. I don't want to be here anymore. I tired of playing, tired of praying and tired of apologizing. I'm ready for my curtain call - please please please come sooner than later.
And I've been ready for a long time. See, it seems that no matter how good things get, or how wonderful life sometimes looks, it is evident that any happiness or joy will eventually be shattered by some event, person, experience, argument, misunderstanding, smart mouthed child, uncaring employer, emotional spouse, or even just bad mood. It is inevitable that the happiness should be shattered, and that I should end up curled up in bed wishing for the end - for my end.
That's where I was again last night. One would think that after having a beautiful wedding and wonderful honeymoon, after landing a job that I actually like with people who are actually cool to work with/for, that after getting back on a good twice a week meeting schedule and 3 times a week workout schedule, that I would be in a better place than I was before. But that - that is exactly the dynamic, evil and maddening paradox that I am referring to. Even with all of that supposed "good" stuff, I was right there in bed again last night thinking of all kinds of ways I could get out of this life. Some of the time was spent thinking about actions I could take - blowing my brains out, disemboweling myself 'hari kari' style (seriously), cutting myself, etc. I also spent a fair amount of time thinking about - actually, creatively visualizing and trying to will myself into having a heart attack, or aneurysm, or some other form of medical event that would either kill me or leave me brain dead.
Now I'm sure that to someone who has never suffered from depression - real depression, not the temporary, infrequent bouts some people experience - this sounds absolutely horrible. And if I were to say all of this to my wife or children, I'm sure it would absolutely devastate them, and probably alienate them from me completely. But the simple fact is that I have spent several days of my life laying in bed, curled up in the fetal position, dwelling on thoughts just like this. I have even wondered - in fact I was wondering this morning - how long a person had to think about something like this before it would actually manifest in his/her life. I've always heard the "mind over matter" talk, and about the role our mind can play in healing. Well, what about situations like this? Can't I "think" myself into my own death? Lord knows, I sure have tried.
And I am starting to reach a point again - hell, I've been here for a lot of my life, just had brief respites where I wasn't - where I don't want to "try" to be happy anymore; where I don't want to have to fake it for anyone; where I don't have to pretend that everything is going to get better, and that we (me and Debbie, me and the kids, the American people, whoever) are going to come out smelling like roses. I want to just stand up and say "Life sucks, things are going to get progressively worse, there is no use trying to be happy - we're all just wasting time and fooling ourselves."
That's how I truly think today. The Buddha espoused the 4 Noble Truths, and the first one is that life is suffering. No shit Siddartha. See, the thing the Buddha had going for him was the he had no wife or kids, so he could wander around for years seeking enlightenment without the burden or guilt of having left his wife and kids. But actually, he did have a wife and kids (at least one anyway) back in his life as a prince, and he did leave them behind to go seek enlightenment. So is that what I need to do? Should I just leave the fam behind, and say "I'm off to find myself"? Of course, he had the benefit of being a prince and all, so he knew that in leaving them behind, they would be well taken care of. I don't have that, but I do have the knowledge that Debbie and the girls were living just fine on their own before I came along, and we could easily get them another apartment they could all live in. Tessi could go live with her mom again, or Marshal and Kristina, and Galen already lives with a friend. So I could conceivably do that.
I am seriously considering, more and more, just how that all might work. I can honestly say that I have come INCREDIBLY close to doing some stuff that would pretty much be the death sentence for my life as I now know it, or the future I might have. I feel like it's just a matter of time before, during one of my fits of anger and/or depression, I cross that line from which there is no turning back. I am getting closer and closer to that line, and it is only by the slightest of margins that I have not walked across it yet. But more and more, I'm starting to think that it's inevitable, just like the suffering and depression I feel is.
So I am ready for the end, the big conclusion, the whimper that will be the end of my little, insignificant, God-could-care-less-if-he/she-even-exists life. I'm ready. I would much rather die of some seemingly natural cause, or an accident perhaps. But I think if one doesn't happen soon, it's just a matter of time before I take the reigns and die in some "accident" or something. I don't want to be here anymore. I tired of playing, tired of praying and tired of apologizing. I'm ready for my curtain call - please please please come sooner than later.
