Brings me back

I am sitting here in my cube listening to "Chloe/Crown of Thorns" by Mother Love Bone, and it transported me right back to South Dakota, the fall of 1992. I had enrolled at South Dakota School of Mines and Technology in geology. I was living in the basement at Irene's house, and had a couple of guys I hung out with all the time named Larry (aka Eyeball) and Chris (aka Sunshine) - we all had nicknames... mine was Easy. Lol. I was going out to the bars with Carol on the weekends and dancing, drinking, partying; going to the neighborhood coffeeshop with Larry and Chris, reading poetry and going out in the woods getting high.

I would have to say it was one of the more memorable, and all around enjoyable times in my life. Even though I was smoking ganj regularly, I never did any speed the whole time I was up there. I actually scored twice while I was up there, and could have one other time, but it got a little weird with the girl I was with (Keri). One of the scores was with a 42 year old lady who was an aerobics intstructor - I still brag about that one occasionally! Ha ha! She was married though, and that I am not proud of. But, as Doug says, back then I was 'young, dumb, and full of cum'! Lol.

I think that is one of the periods in my life that I will always be the most nostalgic about. I truly was the trippy, mystic, college attending poet, and lived - really lived life to it's fullest. I rode a motorcycle side by side with Desi during that period for the first time ever. I helped start a poetry reading group and was seen as a good poet among my peers. I hiked frequently and communed with nature - even had my favorite little spot to go (Silver Creek Mountain). I partied with Carol - laughed, drank, smoked the ganj. I did great in college, and had some good buds there too, a cool little study group. I went to some college parties. It was definitely a period I will always look back on fondly.

And there are songs that take me back to that time instantly : the aforementioned Mother Love Bone tune; "Love is on the Way" by Saigon Kick"; "Dirt" by Alice in Chains; whatever that song was by Chapterhouse. There are probably others too, but those are the ones that come to mind. It's funny how music can do that. I wonder - will I someday look back on this period of my life with such nostalgia when I hear songs like "Lisztomania" by Phoenx, "Out of Control" by She Wants Revenge, ""Light" by Matisyahu. Will there be that sense of nostalgia? I'm not so sure. It's tough to compete with such a period as the one back in '92. But there is no competition - there is only reminiscing, and gratitude for all the great memories - gratitude for remembering.

And that's that

I decided to put an end to the madness this last weekend. So Saturday morning, I woke up, got my gear on, grabbed Barbara's book, rode up to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where we first met, had a nice cup of coffee, and left the book with the people behind the counter so she could pick it up at her convenience. I figured that way, I have nothing tying me to her any more, and I can just get her out of my life completely. And at this point, that is what I want - to remove any and all connections to her. As far as my movie that she had, "What the Bleep Do We Know..?" I sent an email telling her she coudl just keep it or pass it along to someone else who might enjoy it. I also mentioned in the email that I didn't want her to send me another email with some unsolicited advice, as she sent a reply to the email I sent informing her about what I did saying that I had to "examine my reaction." I told her that she needs to examine her level of pretentiousness! Ha ha!

So I think I have closed that chapter for good. Of course, I was thinking yesterday that she is probably one of those women who just loves arguing, or being challenged, and that this won't be the end for her - she just won't be able to let it go. We'll see though. I actually hope it is - I really do. As pretty as she was, as intelligent and spiritual, as good a connection as we shared, it is clear to me that either she is a very selfish, uncompassionate person, really is WAY too busy for any new friends (in which case, whats the point?), or she was being dishonest with me and really didn't want to see me. And in any of these cases, I wouldn't really want to be her friend anyway, so....

In other, more pleasant news, I met Heather Saturday night at a little coffeeshop in Glendale that I have heard mentioned before in the Program called the Coffee Cup and Spoon. They have a karaoke night on Friday and Saturday nights, and it was really fun to watch all the different people get up and "try" to sing! Lol. Some were actually pretty good. Heather got up and did "Separate Ways" by Journey and rocked it pretty good! It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with her.

In other news, I "flipped" my exercise bike on craigslist and went and bought a treadmill off the same. It worked out so cool - I put the bike up Saturday afternoon, got an email about it Sunday morning, had a guy and his daughter come and buy it Sunday around noon for $120, called on the treadmill while they ran to the bank to get some cash, and as soon as they left with the bike, went and picked up the treadmill for $120! It worked out so perfectly , a real God thing. I wanted to get a treadmill because I just haven't been using the bike at all, and I am really enjoying running now. Now we'll see if I use the treadmill or not! Ha ha. I think I will though.

Took the kids to see "Despicable Me" yesterday, and it was a great movie. It was also nice to spend a little family time together - it had been a while. I think I am going to make more of an effort to make sure we spend at least one day every week or 2 doing something together like that.

So all in all, it was a nice weekend. I am looking forward to a nice week, and even better - a 3 day weekend! Woo hoo!

I wish I never....

There are sometimes in life when I think to myself, "I wish I never..." Like with meth - I wish I had never even tried that stuff. Like with leaving South Dakota - I wish we had never moved from there, so far away from our family. Like now, with Barbara - I wish I had never met her. I know that sounds like a very strong thing to say, but it's true.

It seems like ever since we met, I just can't seem to shake the desire and longing I have for her. And I am not talking in a sexual way - not at all. Not that she isn't attractive, because she is. But this is something more than that - much more. And to be honest, I hate it, I really do. I wish I could just completely forget about her, forget about us meeting, forget about all of it, and just move on. But for some reason, I keep clinging on to the little scraps she throws me. It's really pathetic actually. I think with any other woman, I would have totally blown them off by now and just moved on. For whatever reason, I have not been able to do that with Barbara.

Now I was doing a pretty good job of just forgetting all about it (as much as I could anyway), then last weekend, out of nowhere, she texted me saying "Good morning" and something about the fact that she was still "mulling over the idea of friends." Why the hell did she have to do that? I mean, according to her, she is just too busy for ANY kind of relationship in her life right now, even friendship, so what's the point in sending me a message at all? Maybe just to fuck with me? Or is it that she knows just how good a match I am for her, and what a great guy I am, so she wants to keep me hanging on, just in case she decides to actually go with her instincts? One thing is certain - I don't know what the hell to think about it.

I do know that I wished we wouldn't have met; I wish I wasn't so attracted to her; I wish she wasn't as compatible, spiritually speaking, as she is; I wish we wouldn't have spent the night after we met feverishly texting back and forth, entertaining thoughts of being "meant to be" together; I just wish I hadn't met her at all.

And now - now I wish I could just forget about her. I wish that when she texted me, I could just ignore it. I wish I could just ignore it, delete it, and move on like it never happened, But, for whatever reason, I just have not been able to do that yet. Who knows - maybe I will get to that point though. I am sure going to work on it. I am renting this woman so much space in my head, and it is getting me nothing but misery. Ugh. Fortunately, I have my good Friday night AA meeting tonight, and I am supposed to be going to coffee with my sponsor afterwards, at which time I hope to talk to him about this stuff. So there is hope.

Meanwhile, I am going to try to remind myself that she is just another person, just another human being, just another woman, and that there are more like her out there - she isn't the one and only attractive woman I will ever meet and share interests with. In fact, there may very well be one who is better suited to me out there. And then again, there may be none. Either way, there is nothing positive for me to be gained in obsessing on her, and what "could be" - I have to live in the now, for today, and leave that, as everything else, in the hands of God.

"God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me what thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy way of Life. May I do your will always. Amen."

The persistence of disappointment

Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.

And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.

I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!

So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.

I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!

Women - whaddya' gonna' do?

Man, I tell ya' - women can be so freakin' weird. I just don't get it sometimes. I got a message from a lady on POF Monday night, and we sent a couple of messages back and forth over the last day or 2. So we were discussing in the messages about getting together for coffee. She sends me a message today asking about meeting tonight at 5:15pm in Mesa. Well, I need to cook dinner for the kids, so I can't be there that early. Not to mention that is a LONG way from me. So, I write back suggesting we do 6:30 at Tempe Marketplace. Next thing you know, I get a message from her on POF stating that she has decided she doesn't want to meet now, and wishing me good luck. WTF??!?! Really?

Now, if there is one thing I have learned in all of this - besides the fact that women are often times batshit crazy and totally un-understandable - it is not to take any of this personally. Who knows what' going on with her. And chances are that if she cancelled, it is for the best - we wouldn't have been a match anyway. After all, this situation, like every other, is in God's hands - not mine. And I am puttin my faith in the fact that if I just keep doing the footwork, I will eventually meet the woman the Universe thinks would be a good match. No use getting all upset about it, or letting it get me down. Hell, I've been through so much of this crap now I am actually starting to get numb to it! I think that, for me, that is actually a good thing.

Still haven't heard anything from Barbara, but not surprising. Both she, and from the looks of it, this other lady I was talking about - DeAnna - are both very attractive women, and probably get hundreds of emails a week from eligible dudes. So they are on the other side of this - gunning some of them down without ever even meeting them. Must be nice! Actually, I don't know about that now. Maybe it's even more discouraging - meeting TONS of guys, and none of them turn out to be a match. Bummer! We should all have such hardships! LOL

So yeah, I am right where I started, but with a much better attitude. Fuck 'em. Or bless 'em. It's all the same in the end!!! That's just terrible, isn't it? Oh well - I guess I am just a horrible person. But at least I am healthier emotionally, right? :o)

Bored, but grateful

So today I am a bit bored. I have been working pretty hard on the Better Together app, and it has come together nicely, albeit with quite a few challenges related to the tab panel, and the associated eccentricities of dealing with postbacks when, logically speaking, all of the controls are on one "page" - in the same aspx file. But I have definitely learned a lot about JavaScript, tab panels themselves, and the use of session variables to help maintain state. Not to mention, it is looking pretty sweet too.

Today, I thought I might hear back from Barbara - half expected her to text this morning when I didn't text her - but she is a tough cookie, and I haven't heard a peep. I am actually ok with it now though, as I am taking a completely different view of the whole thing, and no longer feel that sense of "wow!" about her. And I think that is for the best anyway. What was going on there with me was in no way healthy, and I am much more stable and rational again. I admit, it is fun to be all caught up and "swept away" but those kind of feelings. But not so much when the other person isn't really as well, ya know?

In more mundane matters, I about pooped my pants yesterday when I checked my APS bill online and found that it is $330 - talk about a "holy shit! moment! My bill last month was only $155, and last year for this month, was only $190. So I called APS and told them I thought there was something wrong. The lady on the phone asked me when the last time I had the A/C serviced was, that it was probably the issue. Well, I don't know when the last time was, and I am certain they won't take any type of action on their part until I have had it serviced to make sure that isn't it. And who knows - maybe that is it. It does seem like it has been running a lot more. I scheduled someone to come out and take a look at it tomorrow, so I guess we'll find out.

Well, I am going to find some other way to deal with my boredom now. I already posted to the Numbsung too, so not quite sure what's next! Lol :)

Recapping Sunday's events

Yesterday, I was fairly shocked to receive a text from Barbara wishing me "good morning" and saying that she had been mulling over the idea of friendship, and how that might look. She also mentioned that she is extremely busy, with having 2 jobs and going to school, and that if she doesn't always get back to me in a timely manner, I shouldn't take it personal. I told her that I thought I could do that, and so it seems that we are going to be able to be friends after all, which is pretty cool. Because even though I thought she played some mind games - which she may not have meant to do - she is a nice woman who is very interesting to talk to and very spiritual. So I am pretty happy about that. And I would be lying if I said I had no hope or belief that her contacting me again might well indicate that she actually "misses" me to some extent, and that it might yet turn to something more one day. But I am not expecting that, nor am I putting all my hopes and expectations into it - I am just going to enjoy being friends.

I did end up meeting with Heather yesterday, and we talked for a good 2 hours. It was pretty emotional for her, and I think some of the stuff we talked about, esp. regarding parents, our addictions, our struggles and trials, really brought up some stuff that was painful for her. She teared up a couple of times, and I actually ended up reaching out and hugging and comforting her once, as she was very emotional, and I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I told her that she doesn't need to be alone all the time - that she can call me, and we can do some things together. I always liked Heather - she is a real, genuine person, and a total sweetheart.

Which reminds me that I want to send her an email and check in on her, so I think I will do that. All is going well in my life, other than the fact that I checked my APS bill this morning, and it is $330 for last month! That is just crazy, considering it was only $155 last month, and about $192 for July of last year. I called APS, but of course they said nothing was wrong, and that I should have my A/C unit serviced. So I am going to do that, and if the bill is still sky high next month, they gonna' have some 'splaining to do!!!

Weekend update

So yeah - the whole "taking a break thing"...yyyyeaahhhh. Here I am again, trolling POF, sending out messages, and taking chances! Lol. At first, I was thinking maybe that's a bad thing - maybe I really am desperate and totally codependent. But then I started thinking, hey - maybe it's actually a good thing. Maybe it means I am not getting so hopeless and despondent every time something doesn't work out, and I am actually maintaining some faith and belief in myself. I remember Diana saying that there is a difference to putting myself out there and making myself available and being truly desperate.

Now for a bit of "the trippy" : I had a dream Friday night that I was in a relationship with a black girl. It was like we were married or engaged or something. By itself, not erxtraordinary, although I have never dreamed of being with a black girl before. Then, last night when I was on POF, a black girl actually IM'd me, and we chatted for a bit. It was a pretty good chat, and she looks really pretty. BUT, I am not reading too much into it. If I learned anything in my experience with Barbara, it was to avoid assigning all kinds of meaning to various events, even if they seem to be incredibly coincidental - it can lead to nothing but heartache and trouble. I mean, if something great does come out of something like that, I can always look back in wonder, and think "wow." But if I go all crazy with it, thinking "this is meant to be!" and it doesn't work out...? No bueno.

In other news, I am meeting Heather Tancke for coffee today at 2. Heather has always been a really cool chick, and - to be brutally honest - if she was in a little better shape, I would probably ask her out. But she has gained some weight over the years, and I am just not able to get over my aversion to dating heavier women - especially now that I have gotten into such good shape myself. I think it will be great to catch up though and to visit with her. She really is a sweetheart.

Ok - enough typing for today. I'm audi 5000 yizzall!

Back to normal...?

I started the "Numbsung Hero" blog up again, and must say, I am enjoying posting some funny stuff again. I have already got a couple of comments - onr from Carol (duh!) and another from some 'anonymous' reader who says there are glad I am back, that I am still funny and thanks for making them laugh. That made me feel pretty good - to know that someone is getting a laugh out of it. I have always loved making people laugh, and to think that I can do it in this venue of blogging, well, that's pretty darned cool in my opinion.

In other news, I got an email reply from Barbara in response to my lengthy apology and explanation. I thought for awhile that maybe she had blocked my email address and written me off as a stalker - seriously! But she finally wrote back and actually apologized herself for any hurt she may have caused. I thought that was nice, and wrote back and said that, if she was still up for it, I think I could be just friends with her; that I could restrain myself; and that I too was taking a break from dating for awhile. Haven't heard back from her just yet, but she mentioned in her email that she might be down in the Biltmore area Saturday to meet "the girls," and that if she was, perhaps we could meet up and exchange her book and my movie. So we'll see what happens.

I guess there really isn't much more going on than I have already covered. I am meeting with my sponsor after my AA meeting tonight to talk over some stuff, in particular this dating stuff, and other than that, have no real plans for the weekend. I guess we will just see if anything interesting comes up. You just never know what's going to happen :)

Figures!

I got a FB message from my cousin Carol yesterday asking me if I was still doing my "numbsung" blog. Apparently, a friend of hers in Guam was asking about it because he/she thought it was very funny, and wanted to read it again. Then, I got another message from her last night telling me that another friend of hers in Vegas had said the same thing - that the blog was hilarious, and that they wanted to read it again. I was a little taken aback by the complimentary nature of the emails, as well as a little mournful, because I completely dusted that blog and all the entries on it when I got really down last year. I thought that I could "bet back" at all the happy people who were reading that blog and enjoying laughing at my misfortunes by destroying it. In the end of course, I ended up hurting myself it seems, as my dream to be a published writer - or at least a popular, well-known one - went done in a rain of 0's.

Now I find myself sitting here wondering if I can resurrect that funny writer; wondering if it is something I can tap into again; wondering if, like so many of my seeming 'talents' in these areas, it was merely a fleeting glimpse. Of course now that I have some actual demand, I suppose I would be crazy to not at least give it a try. It would feel good to know that I am bringing some laughter into some people's lives. And it would be a nice place to practice my sarcasm and wit. Give the people what they want, right?

So I think I am going to see if I can bring it back from the ashes - this time, not for my glory or popularity, but for the mere joy of making others laugh. I realize now that it's not about me and my selfish desire. If I truly have a gift, then I need to give it away. And if that gift is making people laugh, I can think of none better. So now I am off to rebuild that which was torn down and resurrect he who was dead - long live the Numbsung Hero!

Break time

So I met with Marj last night, and suffice it to say that it was such a "wonderful" experience that I am officially 'on break' from dating until further notice. We met at a place off of 3rd street and Bell called Yogurtini, a self serve yogurt place that was ok, but way inferior to Yogurtology as far as taste and product quality go. Anyway, we got our yougurt and sat down to visit, and she quickly got to talking about some issues she was having with her son - apparently he got busted for drugs recently, and she has been trying to get him to stop smoking the ganj (we all know how well that works - a mom trying to get her son to quit smoking weed, right? Lol).

I listened to her talking, and it was pretty clear to me that she has a VERY codependent relationship with her son, and that she was almost obsessed with the situation. I asked if she might consider going to Al Anon for some advice, and she told me that she already had gone, when she was dealing with her alcoholic husband. It seemed like she was looking for some advice, and I suggested that she might need to set some clear boundaries. She seemed to understand the concept, but I didn't get the feeling that she would be able to actually put them into practice and stick to them.

Well, after about 30-35 minutes of talking, she tells me that her son texted her, that he's home, and that she's sorry, but she really wants to go home and catch him so she can talk to him. Now, I have skipped taking the kids out to dinner to meet, taken the trouble to shower and dress nice, and driven like 12 miles - just to have her leave so she can go talk to her son...? Yeah, I wasn't real happy about that. It was however, a very enlightening experience, and showed me that she is definitely not someone I want to get involved with. She has so much going on with her son, and she is so engrossed in it, that I just don't see that we could have any kind of healthy relationship. And that's not to mention the fact that I asked her about that guy she was having trouble with, who wouldn't leave her alone, and she explained that it was an "on again/off again" thing, and that he wanted to be on again. Interestingly, that's all she really said - never said if she wanted to still, or if they were 'on again'.

All this left me feeling very disappointed, let down, and pretty much just burnt out on the whole process of meeting and trying to date women. It seems like it is just more work than it is worth right now, and I am tired of the mind games, disappointment, hassle and time it takes. I posted a message on my FB last night that I am just going to take a break from it, and I truly am. I even got on POF for just a minute last night thinking I might send out a message or 2. Then I realized I was just sick of it all, and I just closed the page. I am still in contact with Patricia, and she is fun to hang out with, so I might just go out on the occasional fun date with her, and maybe even Sharon sometimes, now that she is divorcing Bob.

I have learned a lot this round though. I have learned that it is important to be very clear in the beginning what my intentions are. And that if I am really attracted to a woman, and she suggests the "just friends first" thing, to just politely decline and move on. I am not looking for more "friends" - I am looking for a life partner. I have also learned that I tend to fall in WAY too quickly - STILL - and that I really need to concentrate on taking it slow, VERY slow, and take time to really get to know the person before I let myself think "she's the one!" And I also learned to not let anyone convince me to send them anything that I have written solely for my own viewing or purposes. Nothing good can come of it, and it defeats the purpose of such writing.

So, now I am back to "single dad" life, taking the time to be more involved with the kids, work out, read, meditate, get chores done, do my AA stuff, and just enjoy life. I am ok - I really am. I am not lonely, nor am I desperate. I am just me - single me. And single me is ok today. In fact, I like single me. And until single me finds a single someone else with whom things seem to click, single me is going to love myself and enjoy my life for all the wonderful things in it - and in me :)

The "Year in Dating in Review"

Wow, that was interesting. I was just looking back over some of my posts from the last2 or 3 months, and realizing how many different women I have met, and just how many of them I thought might work into actual 'partners.' It was actually kinda' funny - I guess I am a bit of a sap when it comes to the ladies! Lol. I tend to make some judgments and decisions very quickly, and determine after the first meeting whether or not there might be something worth pursuing or not. But I guess I should start at the start, what got me to looking over my past posts in the first place.

I think I recounted how things basically 'blew up' with Barbara. I realize that I really jumped in head first, and probably acted like a crazy person. But in my defense, I honestly felt like there was something above and beyond just attraction working - a kind of cosmic connection - and I got very caught up in it. I had to laugh when I re-read her journal entry, as she seemed to be asking herself something to the effect of "why is it that when we get what we asked for, we are afraid of it?". I think that's exactly what happened : that the universe delivered for her, but she wasn't really ready for it. At least that's my perspective. Anyhoo, on with the story.

So, having basically shut things down with Barbara, and cooled them to a chill with Pattie, I started thinking about possibly pursuing some other women on POF, but wasn't really excited at that possibility. Then, I remembered - I had already met someone who was very sweet, very pretty, warm and fun to talk to - Marj. I put things on the shelf with her after I met Pattie, in larger part because it took her so long to get back to me. But things were not left in such a manner as to close any doors. In fact, in the last email or 2 I received from her at that time, she said if I ever wanted to talk or anything, to feel free to contact her.

So Friday, I sent her a text saying 'hello,' and stating that if she wasn't seeing anyone yet, I would love to meet up with and talk to her. I was half-expecting her to either say she had met someone, or "thanks, but no thanks." To my pleasant surprise, she didn't say either of those things. She said that she had been taking a break from POF (cool), spending a lot of time at the gym (very cool), and that she would like to talk some more (awesomely cool!). We texted back and forth a bit and settled on meeting Tuesday (tomorrow) night at 7pm. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I have thought how it must be a little weird for her, with me having passed by her to date Patricia, and then coming back around.

I hope that doesn't cause her to feel too weird though, because it was really a matter of timing more than anything else. I actually think (oh boy, here I go again! Ha ha! After reading back over my last several 'dating' posts, I realized that I have said what I am about to say about almost ALL of the ladies I have dated recently! LOL!) that she has the greatest collection of positive traits that I am looking for, and the least amount of negative ones. I am NOT going to go all bananas and say "This is it! She's really THE ONE!" because I don't know that, and I will look like a heel if I do.

I will say that she is very sweet, that she is very attractive, and that I am looking forward to talking with her again. We'll see how - and where - it goes. Something tells me she is more romantic and affectionate than Barbara was, and more gentle than Pattie was. That was one thing about Pattie that was a pretty big turn off for me : the way that, when we kissed, it seemed like she was trying to literally 'crawl into' my mouth, or meld our lips together by pressing them together so hard that they fused! Lol. She was a little too aggressive, a little too rough for me.

I think this time, I am going to pray and meditate about this meeting with Marj before I actually go on it (imagine that!). I really want to take it easy, and let God, the universe, the spirit of patience lead the way. I am recognizing my tendency to just dive in. And while it's all well and good to be a "romantic", the whole process of breaking people's hearts - including my own - after only one or 2 dates, well - that's just not necessary. I need guidance - divine guidance - on this one, and I am finally going to seek it :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

And this is why...

...I really can't stand women sometimes - at least as far as the whole "relationship" thing goes. Had a nice meeting with Barb last night, nice convo, yadda yadda. Once again, felt a great connection, like we were getting closer. So today, I send her an email, a few texts, and I get hit yet again with the "friends first" club. Now, it's totally ok that she wants to be friends first. But this lady is beating me over the head with it, and to be honest, it's getting annoying. I was going to over to some friend of her's house tonight to watch "What the Bleep Do We Know," but I am actually going to cancel. And not just because I am miffed - I literally have NO underwear clean (wearing those crappy boxer briefs I bought when I was seeing Ty), I am really tired, and I don't want Tess to have to stay up too late tonight - she was up til after 10 last night, and really tired today. So perhaps it's all for the best.

Women... they are so fucking confusing sometimes. So she has a profile on POF to meet a bunch of friends...? She sent me the first communication - not the other way around. She is the one who asked to see my blog entry, knowing full well what was in there. Ugh! WTF? I swear, it's like women like her love to torture me. "Let's just keep it friends, but I am going to flirt with you, and want to see you a lot, ok?" Fuck that shit! I have 'friends', and I am lucky to see them once a month! I am too old to play games like this, so I think I am going to slam the brakes on this mofo. She can date whoever she wants, and make a ton of friends. I am looking for a relationship - like a romantic, man/woman, let's build a life together relationship.

I guess I need to be more up front about that from now on : if I wanted a new friend, or mere companionship, I would buy a freakin' puppy! Personally, I think she knows she can attract a much taller, buffer, richer, more handsome man, and she feels like she would be settling with me. Instead of telling me the truth, she is being 'nice' about it. Why do I think that? Because it's the same exact thing I would do. In fact, it is exactly what I did with Patricia last night. Yeah.

Still trippin'

I had to laugh at that title - quite a statement for someone in sobriety! Ha ha! But, I can't really think of any other way to describe it. Barbara and I have been continuing to talk and text, and it really seems as though the connection just keeps getting stronger, at least as far as the synchronicity, timing, communication, and flirting goes. At first, it seemed like she really wanted to take a big step back after Saturday, and wanted to put the brakes on everything - and HARD. So I tried my best to just keep things light, and joke around a bit.

I was doubtful of my approach at first, as she sometimes comes off as being very serious, and I was worried I might end up totally annoying her. But over the last 2 days, it seems like she has really warmed up to me. And if I didn't know any better, and if I wasn't still so humbled by it all, I would think that she is starting to really fall for me. She made some little comments yesterday that actually bordered on outright flirting again, and she made it pretty clear that she is really looking forward to seeing me tonight. So yeah - I'm still trippin'!

We talked last night before bed, and we talked about some number stuff she had brought up through some texts yesterday - something about her being drawn to the number 212, or 1212, and wondering what I thought about it. I told her I wasn't really sure, that I thought I lived in a unit #212 at maryland court apts, but that was about it. I proceeded to tell her my "number story" about how my favorite numbers were always 3 and 24 when I was a kid, and how by complete accident, my sobriety date ended up being 03/24/03. She then got out a book she has on numbers, written by a woman who is into angels, and she read the descriptions for 3, 24, 11, 12, and 212. The number 3 one TOTALLY tripped me out, because it actually mentioned Kwan Yin in it, by name! I told her that I thought she had just thrown that in there to trip me out! Lol! It's really fun getting back into this stuff - ESPECIALLY with a beautiful woman.

Just a bit ago, I sent her some stuff I found about unicorns and their symbolic and spiritual meanings. She brought that up again last night - about here being a unicorn. I think she really took that to heart, and likes that I referred to her as that. When I said it, I wasn't quite sure it fit, or she would find it complimentary. But it seems like she does, and it had the desired effect and meaning, as she picked up on the unique, rare, priceless, and magical essences I had meant it to mean. Again, it seems like we really connect on all levels. Who else would have taken it so perfectly? I sure don't know.

We are meeting tonight at Unlimited Coffee, and I can't wait to see her again. I just know I am going to fall even harder by seeing her again, but I am just going to approach it with a "go with it" type attitude, and let the spirit guide me. And by that, I mean the spirit of love. I was thinking last night that if there is such thing as "love at first sight," I think I either experienced it, or something very close, with Barbara. And I have only grown more attracted to her as we have gotten to know each other better. I asked her via text one day if she found me physically attractive, and she said she did - she mentioned that I looked like I was in good shape, and that she liked to stay in good shape too, that it would be fun to do stuff like hike together. Dude, I would hike to Mt Everest, all the way to the top, and carry her back down for this woman! Ha ha!

Sounds like I am in BIG trouble, hunh? Lord I sure hope so! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Back to reality - kinda'

Today was "the day after"; the day after I met a woman that took my breath away; the day after we talked and texted frequently exchanging thoughts and feelings; the day after we texted into the night - 2 in the morning to be exact; and the day after I actually sent this woman, whom I had just met that morning, an actual piece of myself - the entire blog entry, unedited. I am almost a little disappointed in myself, as I know that was something that any sane, rational person would STRONGLY advise against. But I did it - it's done.

And I guess that about sums up what has been happening the last 2 days : I feel like I have lost my mind. I have felt almost as if I was tweaking, full of anxiety, short of breath, confused. Then today - the comedown. The realization that I did something that probably was silly, if not downright stupid. It was interesting how it all went down, as it seemed that when I started to wax romantic, Barbara would bring me back to the "let's just go for friends first" thing. Yet, she asked to see the blog entry - even when I told her that it would be WAY beyond the 'friendly' boundary. And, who am I to deny a beautiful - truly beautiful woman - her request, even if at my own great peril.

She said she was going to write something herself before she read mine and that she would send it to me. We touched bases this morning, she had gone to church, and then napped for a great portion of the afternoon. So as of now, I haven't received anything from her. I am trying to tell myself "it's ok", and in reality, it is ok. But I would be lying to say that I am not a little concerned that I have really opened up a gaping hole in my "defense" and she may not feel the same way I do. She might think I am totally obsessive and codependent. She may not even be attracted to me. Ok - so I just texted her and asked her if she found me physically attractive at all, and she said yes. So at least I got that one! Lol.

I feel like I am coming down.. the dreaded "day after." My mind has raced and writhed, pondered and dreamed, wished and worried. Now, I am spent, and looking forward to going to bed soon. I don't really know what will come of this, but I know that I sure have felt like I have been a little crazy. I guess just a little is ok though, right? That's what I'm telling myself anyway : )

Oh boy is right.... Or, I'm really just dreaming, right?

Ok - so let me start off by saying that I am not sure whether I actually believe that any of what I am about to type is actually possible, nor that it really happened. I am merely going to describe an experience I had this morning - one that is continuing through text messages as I write this, and leave it to the reader to decide whether it is true or not.

I have been emailing back and forth with Barbara this week, and we ended up making a plan to meet for coffee this morning. Although we had planned to meet at a coffeeshop, she texted this morning to say that she had sent an email about a change in plans, and I immediately thought she was probably going to cancel. To my complete surprise, it said instead that she left her purse in a friend's car the night before, and that, if I wanted, I could come pick her up and give her a ride to get it - either that, or we would have to meet later. Well, I was pretty anxious to meet her, so I agreed to go pick her up close to where she lives.

Now she had told me that men were often intimidated by her, so I naturally assumed she was very pretty. But when I stopped to pick her up, and she jumped in the truck, I realized that this woman was downright BEAUTIFUL, and obviously WAY out of my league. I figured she would be pretty unimpressed with me, was used to dating CEO's and lawyers and such, and that she would probably humor me for an hour if I was lucky. So imagine how shocked - and I mean SHOCKED - I was when we got to the coffeeshop (we had decided we would stop there for coffee first, then go get her purse) and proceeded to talk... and talk... and talk some more. About life. About sprituality. About self awareness. About meditation. About quantum physics. About relationships. About.... Wow. I think you get the picture. Oh, and did I mention that this woman is beautiful? I mean drop dead gorgeous, with a fantastic body, beautiful hands and feet, breathtaking face, she's got it all - and a bag of chips like this man has never seen!

We talked for a good 2 and a half to 3 hours, and it was mesmerizing - she was mesmerizing. Best of all, she was nothing like I thought she would be : not the stuck up Scottsdale type at all. She was humble, gracious, interested, approachable, intriguing. Beautiful. My dream woman incarnate. Everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Sitting there, right in front of me. Talking to me. Listening to me. Interested in me.... And then, I woke up - right?

One would think so (who knows - it could still happen I guess! But it hasn't yet) And when I dropped her off, some of the first words I said to myself were "I am going to marry this woman" and my thoughts were that I have found a woman that I will dedicate my life to winning the heart of. I don't think I have ever felt this way - this strongly - about any woman ever before in my life. The closest would be Ty, when we first got together almost 20 years ago. But I was not sober then, and not capable of feeling on the same level I am now. So this is different - stronger, more palpable.

And now she texted me saying she wants me to send this entry to her - yikes! Oh man, talk about scared... Well, I guess I have nothing to lose, right? If she reads it, and it freaks her out, well, then it freaks her out. If she runs away screaming, thinking I am like totally obsessive or codependent, then she does. I can't help the way I feel. And BELIEVE me - this is NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN - meet some woman, and go gaga for her right off the bat! I mean, for one, I have been doing really well on the "take it slow" stuff, and this definitely does not fit into that modality. And the whole "love at first sight" or first meeting, that stuff is for the movies! So what do I do with this?

Well, best I can figure is to let it ride and see what happens. Now that she is going to read this, at least I can know that it is out there, and won't have to wonder how she would feel if she knew. She has intimated that she already knows, but I am not quite sure if she knows the depth and purity of the feeling. She will now! And to her, I say this : I am going to do everything in my power to win your heart. I will take it slow, and we will build a friendship first. We will be patient, and not rush into anything. And it's ok if you don't feel this strongly about me. In fact, it's probably very healthy - I am a bit whacko right now! Lol! But know this - I write this in all sincerity, and it is not something that I do all the time. In fact, not sure that I have ever felt this way before. And to be honest, it is a little frightening, unsettling, exciting, intriguing and dreamy all at the same time. Wow...

And I just pinched myself. It hurt, and I didn't wake up. And if this be the dream that is to be, then I shall wish that I don't wake until your heart and mine are one... <3

Oh Boy....

Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.

Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.

The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.

Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?

Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.

I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!

Big Weekend

This weekend was a big weekend : Patricia and I stayed at the Hyatt off of I-17 and spent the night together for the first time. We finally got to explore our passionate desires to their logical ends, and it was a very pleasant experience indeed. I had a very nice time with her, and I am very pleased at just how easy it is to be around her and how calm and relaxed I feel with her. The sex was good too, and I am fairly certain she enjoyed it quite a bit as well! Lol.

It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.

Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.

I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.

The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!

So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )