Really - it's been that long again?

I was just looking at the date of my last post and can hardly believe it was over two weeks ago. Really? Man, how time flies! I guess this post could just as easily have been called "catching up" too. To get up to speed - we did meet for pizza at Barro's and it went very well. The kids all seemed to get along well and we each liked each other's kids. Kyrsten, her youngest, is incredibly cute and funny, and Emilee is very sweet and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised at how much Galen and Debbie visited and thought that was a real plus.

As far as the relationship goes, we have been getting closer and closer, enjoying time together, and she has blessed me with some of the most fantastic sexual experiences - including one this last weekend that I have ALWAYS wanted to try but never had - I have ever had. I stayed the night at her place for ths first time this weekend, and it was very, very comfortable. All in all, it was a very nice weekend, with perhaps one small exception.

On Sunday afternoon, we had gone back to her place, and shortly after, she got a call from her ex-husband letting her know that Kyrsten had fallen and cut her chin pretty bad and that he was going to be taking her to the hospital. Of course, I knew she needed to go, I told her that I totally undestood, and we both left; me to go home, her to go to the hospital. I didn't hear from her until about 8pm, and for some reason, in the time between seeing her and then, I had managed to feel some insecurities arise about her being with Kyrsten - and her ex - all afternoon. Now, she has already told me that she has no feelings for him, and I don't believe she does. But I still got a little bit insecure about it, and mentioned that to her on the phone. She was, as she always is, very reassuring  and compassionate about it, and that helped a lot.

So today, she sent me a text saying that her "favorite girl" stopped by to take her to lunch. And immediately, in my head, I am thinking that her ex (who took the day off to be with Kyrsten) stopped by and took her and Kyrsten out to lunch. And just the thought of that made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Again, I don't think she has any feelings for him, it's just the thought of her being with "another man", even though that man is the father of a child they share together, someone she is divorced from, and someone I probably shouldn't worry about at all. So why am I worried about it? I don't know. I guess, at some very deep level, I do still have some tiny trust issues in regards to even Debbie, even though I tell myself that I trust her completely. Or maybe it's just plain jealousy. But wouldn't that still imply some form of mistrust? I don't know. I do know that I feel pretty icky right now, even after her texting that it wasn't Kyrsten and her ex who took her out, it was her daughter Meghan, which is who I had originally guessed.

But then she texted that she had seen Kyrsten, and POW! There it cropped up again - that ugly beast that is my insecurity and jealousy. I have been doing so well too. I was really thinking I was past it, maybe even completely. But it's pretty clear that isn't the case. Now I am only hoping that she continues to be understanding, to allow me to get through this without getting upset herself, thinking that I don't trust her. I was reading back over my emails to and from Michelle last year, and the situation with her ex, who was also the father of her baby, was strikingly similar. And she ended up very disappointed in me over the whole thing - it basically ruined any chances of the relationship progressing. I am really hoping that is not the case this time, and I know that I need to find a way to get - and keep - this insecurity in check.

I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't schedule an appointment with Diana for a date and time much sooner than my next one is scheduled for (almost 3 weeks from now). It is apparent that as Debbie and I get closer and closer, those things I have brushed WAY under the carpet, deep in the back of my mind are starting to surface and cause some emotional disturbances in me. And I REALLY don't want to screw it up this time. I have already been down that road, and I just don't want to be looking back again, thinking "what the hell did I do?" 3 or 4 months from now. She is such a beautiful woman - physically, mentally, emotionally. She definitely has her own insecurities and issues - she even opened up about one (the fact that her real dad was quite the alcoholic/addict, and that it made/makes her feel like she is "bad") this last Saturday night. And I think that helps her to have some compassion for mine. Thank God for that.

So yeah, I am going to call and set up an appointment with Diana. Geez, it probably isn't the greatest thing to think that I am going to do that, or that I think I need to. I read in her handout of patient info for 2011 that her services are supposed to be short term only, that her goal is to teach people how to deal with issues on their own, without her help. So I can't help but wonder if I am violating her principles, and if I am not a little more messed up still than I have been thinking I am. I know I need to be gentle on myself though. Nothing good ever comes from beating myself up. I know I will get through this, even if I do need some help. And I have faith that I won't mess it up again this time - at least not without trying my damndest not to. That's the best I can do for now, and it's good enough - better than the alternative, which for me has always been running away. I'm not running this time, no matter how hard or scary it gets. I am staying right where I am, and doing whatever I can to ease my fear and irrational thinking. Here's to that....

Catching up

I guess it has been awhile since I posted to this blog, my "online journal." I have been posting a lot of my random thoughts to my new blog, "The Thought Buffet," but haven't included too much personal stuff. So it's probably a good time to catch up. That, and I think I need to write about some stuff to help get it out.

Debbie and I had our date night last Saturday, and it was wondeful. I picked her up at her place, and she was absolutely stunning, in a purple dress and black high heels that caused me to go full mast at the very sight of her! Lol. We went out to Rokerij for dinner, and although we got seated upstairs (nothing is EVER available downstairs it seems), we got a very private table. We ordered a 'dinner for 2' selection with filet, and it was awesome. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks for some coffee for desert. Then, we went to Blockbuster and picked up a movie to bring back to my place.

Oh, I guess I should mention that when I picked her up, I asked her if she might like to stay the night at my place. I didn't want to be presumptuous, and told her that, but I wanted to let her know that she was welcome to. She said she thought that sounded good, so she brought along some overnight stuff. Ok, now back to the story....

When we got to my place, I gave her a little tour, then we kicked our shoes off to sit back on the couch and watch the movie. Well, suffice it to say that we never got past the selection screen on the DVD before we ended up heading to the bedroom and enjoying each other completely - FINALLY. I know we had both been dying to be together, and it was so nice to finally be able to fully explore our desires without having to hold back. The lovemaking was equisite. And what was equally exquisite was snuggling that night and the next morning. In fact, we layed in bed for probably over an hour the next morning, naked, just cuddling, kissing, talking and laughing. I have never been so comfortable with a woman in my life. It was awesome.

Fast forward to last night. We met at Hob Nob's at about 6pm - which has become a bit of a tradition for us. We enjoyed a couple of hours of talking, laughing, kissing and hugging as usual and had a wonderful time. When it was time to go, I walked her to her car, and we engaged in some very passionate kissing/hugging/grabbing, etc. But just as we ended the 'final hug' to part, I noticed that her whole mood seemed to change suddenly, to one of almost disappointment or something...? In fact, when I said "I love you", she barely even replied to it, as if she didn't even feel the same. I was pretty dumbfounded, but figured maybe she was just sad to be parting as she was a few of the other times we parted. She seemed extra distant as she got in the car though, and I had a feeling something else was up, though I didn't know what.

I called her at about 10 last night to say good night, and indeed, she said there was something that was bothering her a little bit (or something like that). When talking at Hob Nobs', I had mentioned that it was fortunate that she had her daugher around, as well as her ex, to watch her kids so we could have time to meet and get to know each other. She said that she thought I meant that to mean that I didn't want her kids to be around when we were together, and that I wanted to be with her but not her kids. I was a little shocked to hear that, as we talked for a good hour after I had said that, and there was no real indication that she felt that way about it then. I mentioned that to her, and she said it just hit her as we were saying good night.

I tried to assure her that I did not mean it that way at all, and we talked through it for about 20-30 minutes. She still seemed a little hesitant afterwards, but better than she had been. I was a little disappointed that she had thought that way about me, but tried to remind myself how many times I have been the one that was insecure, and that everything was going to be ok.

But when I woke up this morning, I started feeling some real feelings of fear and insecurity. It really bugged me that she had such a hard time saying "I love you" back, and that she would think if me in such a way - that I wouldn't want her kids around. I also thought about how much I don't like the 'conditional love' dynamic, where love is either given or not based on what I do - especially when it is retracted for something I did that I am not even aware of, and that was done with no ill will at all. So I decided to write her a lengthy email explaining my thoughts and feelings on some things to hopefully clarify some things I have said and done.

I think the real catalyst to all this is the fact that we are planning to meet each other's kids tomorrow over pizza. I think she has some fear about whether or not I will accept her kids, and she mentioned several times that her kids were very nice, sweet, etc. I told her that I was a little nervous too, and that I think it's natural for us both to feel that way. But after last night, I am wondering if maybe it isn't too soon for that. I am the one who suggested it, and although she agreed, maybe it's just a little too soon, and she simply agreed because she doesn't want me to be disappointed. I'm not sure, but I mentioned all that in my email to her as well. I really hope she replies with some answers for me. I even sent her a text asking her to because I am having a bit of an anxiety attack about all this. I'm not sure why, but I have noticed over the last couple of years that relationships seem to cause me some serious anxiety attacks when insecurities and doubts arise, on either side.

She just texted back and said that she loves me, that she never wants to hurt me, and that her heart is breaking right now. I texted back and told her that I still lover her, and that everything is ok- that we will get through this. And hopefully, we will. But as I have said a number of other times, no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. And she will too. We both had full, happy, productive lives before we met, and should anything happen, we will still have those same lives. If things don't work out, I will move on and continue to grow as a person, work on improving myself, and explore other opportunities. And I would hope and expect that she would too. That being said, I do love her and hope that things work out for us. I guess, as with so many things, time will tell. One thing is sure - life is good, God is good, the Universe is good, and I am grateful. Ok, I guess that's really 4 things, but whatever! Ha ha