Truly, really, honestly done - at least for the foreseeable future

It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.

I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.

I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.

Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.

Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.

The persistence of disappointment

Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.

And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.

I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!

So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.

I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!