After this last couple of weeks, I am really beginning to think so. And since the last time I saw Diana, she asked if I ever wrote about any of the good stuff that happens, and I told her "not usually," I decided I would write a little something about the last 2 weeks, which have been absolutely magical.
It all started when, due to another one of Diana's suggestions (she is like a guardian angel or something in addition to being a counsellor, I swear!) I went searching the internet for a spiritual dating site. She mentioned that there were some out there and that maybe I could find one and try it out. So, after a little Googling, I came across a site called DharmaMatch, and it looked pretty good. It was free to post a profile, so I figured 'what the heck?' and posted one.
A couple days later, I got a "smile" from some lady with the profile name LightJourney. I checked out her profile, and she sounded like a very interesting prospect. She also looked pretty in her pictures, so I thought to send her an email. Turns out that to send anything more than a smile, you have to be a paid member, so I ponied up the $70 for a membership and sent her an email.
That began a week of emailing back and forth, really getting to know each other well. I was very impressed by the length, openness, depth of content, writing style, spelling and grammar of her emails - which, coming from me is saying a lot! I was really starting to like her based solely on what she said, which again, is saying a lot for me. So often in my past, it has been primarily physical attributes that attracted me to someone. And even though I thought she was pretty in her pics, I had no way of knowing how she looked in person. But I told myself that for once, I was going to rise above my shallow, materialistic ways, and look at a woman for who she truly is.
So we agreed to meet at a coffeshop on Saturday (March 13th, for future posterity) and when I first saw her, I was pleasantly surprised that she is actually very pretty, and though she might could tone up a little bit, and maybe lose just a few pounds, she is overall in pretty darn good shape. But I soon realized that even that would not matter much, because when we started talking, it was wonderful. The conversation flowed easily, and we found out that we had even more in common than we had already discovered throug emailing, which was A LOT! On top of that, I found her face to be very pretty and alluring, and at a couple points, I almost felt compelled to reach across the table, take her face in my hand, and plant one on her right then and there! I didn't though, I was a good boy.
We talked for 2 hours, and it felt like 10 minutes. When it was time to go, we gave each other a goodbye hug, and it felt soooo comfortable. Oh, I forgot to mention one thing - she has very ample breasts too, which I LOVE - and I am sure they added to the comfort level! All in all, it was an awesome first meeting - the best I have ever had. I think I was pretty smitten with her, and knew that I wanted to pursue something more. She was/is such a quality person, and seems to have such insight into my mind and heart.
We continued emailing and texting, and decided we would meet again this Wednesday (last night, the 17th) for dinner. Dinner was wonderful, and once again the conversation flowed like a mountain stream - easy, relaxing, enjoyable. I had been envisioning since we met the first time what it would be like, what I would do, the first chance I got to kiss her. After dinner, we walked to her car, and then our lips met. And let me just say, that it was the BEST kiss I have ever had in my entire life. It was as if our lips literally became one - soft, slow, passionate, engaging - it was just like in the movies, or a fairy tale. I reached up just like I had wanted to and touched her cheek with my hand, and it was so soft. I pulled her to me again, and we kissed and kissed some more. I honestly did not want to let go, and I don't think she did either. But she had to go get her baby girl, so we had to cut it out and get going. That was last night, and I am still buzzing today about it.
I am in love with this woman, no doubt about it. And she has told me that she loves me as well. It goes against all logic and reason to think that any 2 people could fall in love so quickly, but that is indeed what has happened. And given the way that kiss felt last night - well, I don't think there is any doubt that we were meant to be together. And she feels exaclty the same way, with the same amount of passion. In fact, she texted me Tuesday to tell me that she loved me, and at first, I kinda' freaked out, thinking "how in the world can this woman say she loves me already?" She herself stated that it defied logic. But I think she knew me already - like, REALLY knew me, on a spiritual, ethereal level, and I have come to believe that she really does love me, and I really do love her.
So, after all these years seeking, thinking that it would never happen, thinking that all those movies and fairy tales were just BS, I can finally say, with joy, that they are not all BS, that they do sometimes happen to people, and that - yes, its true - they can even happen to me. I finally get to feel what it's like to truly be "in love" with someone, and to feel what it's like for them to be "in love" with me. And it is DIVINE, I must say! Absolutely magical. I don't know where all this will take us, but I know I am going to soak it up, and give thanks to God for every minute, every second of it. Thank you thank you thank you God!!!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
the meaning
For the first time in awhile, the title of this blog actually carries some actual meaning. I am finally experiencing some relief from the horrible downness I was in for the last 4 or 5 days. I had an appointment with Diana and asked her straight up if, in her professional opinion, I was just some whiny, self pitying selfish bonehead, or what she would diagnose me as. She told me that I was a complex case, but that she definitely believes that PTSD is the primary component of my issues. I think finally hearing that there is something going on beyond just me being weak or a whiner had a major effect on the way I view myself and my thought patterns.
She explained that it might be helpful to view it as if I had Parkinson's or something like that - an actual disease. But unlike Parkinson's, there is some hope for getting better with what I have. She also gave the analogy of a veteran with PTSD who hides under the table when he hears a truck backfire - when something happens to me that triggers those "women issues" I have, primarily as a result of the trauma I experienced with my mom as a child, I go into that same mode. Signing up for eHarmony again, and not getting any positive responses acted as a trigger as well. As did the relationship with Ty. Speaking of that...
Diana asked me several questions about what was going on with Ty - how much we were communicating, if she had told me that she loved me, if she had complained about her marriage to me - and I told her how we were communicating several times a day, and that the answers to the other questions were 'yes.' She asked me what I would do if I had a "stash" in my house somewhere, and I told her I would get rid of it. She then likened the thing I had going with Ty to a stash - the addictiveness, the high I got off the communications, the anticipation of the next one, the disruption of my work routine - it hit on all cylinders. I asked her if I had to cut ties completely, and she asked what I would do with the stash, So yeah, she was suggesting that I cut ties completely for as long as she is married. I actually completely agreed with her, even though it was something I really didn't look forward to doing.
So yesterday, after I got back to work from the appt, I sent Ty an email and explained that it just wasn't good for me to stay in contact with her right now - that it caused too much pain and confusion given the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to see her as "just a friend." There is still a very strong connection there, and it is just too hard trying to pretend that there isn't. And it is against my moral code to have an affair with a married woman, even if it is just an emotional affair. That is something new I awoke too as well - that just becuse I am not having sex with someone, or kissing them, doesn't mean we are not having an affair. And I need to do the right thing and avoid emotional affairs with married women just as I would physical affairs.
Ty actually took it better than I thought she would. Of course, there was some pain involved - for both of us. But I tried to assure her that this is not a permanent thing, and that if and when situations change, we can do it again. If she wasn't married now, none of this would be an issue. But she is, and it is. So we have both agreed to cool it for awhile. And while I am a little sad about it, I must say I am somewhat relieved as well. I was surprised how hurt I got when I read her FB post about her hubby being home - it hurt more than I thought it would, or should. I mean, he is her husband, right? And the thought of them sleeping together, and then us being chummy again after he left again - yeah, not good.
So yes, there is cessation of suffering. I got some much needed information about my head and what's going on there, and some good advice about something I was pretty confused about. I am definitely thankful that God brought Diana into my life. To onlookers, it may seem that she is not really helping me. But I know, as does she I am sure, that without her - well - I am not sure where, or even if, I would be right now. And right now, in this moment, I am ok with being here. I am actually at peace even, and what a blessing that is - a blessing indeed.
She explained that it might be helpful to view it as if I had Parkinson's or something like that - an actual disease. But unlike Parkinson's, there is some hope for getting better with what I have. She also gave the analogy of a veteran with PTSD who hides under the table when he hears a truck backfire - when something happens to me that triggers those "women issues" I have, primarily as a result of the trauma I experienced with my mom as a child, I go into that same mode. Signing up for eHarmony again, and not getting any positive responses acted as a trigger as well. As did the relationship with Ty. Speaking of that...
Diana asked me several questions about what was going on with Ty - how much we were communicating, if she had told me that she loved me, if she had complained about her marriage to me - and I told her how we were communicating several times a day, and that the answers to the other questions were 'yes.' She asked me what I would do if I had a "stash" in my house somewhere, and I told her I would get rid of it. She then likened the thing I had going with Ty to a stash - the addictiveness, the high I got off the communications, the anticipation of the next one, the disruption of my work routine - it hit on all cylinders. I asked her if I had to cut ties completely, and she asked what I would do with the stash, So yeah, she was suggesting that I cut ties completely for as long as she is married. I actually completely agreed with her, even though it was something I really didn't look forward to doing.
So yesterday, after I got back to work from the appt, I sent Ty an email and explained that it just wasn't good for me to stay in contact with her right now - that it caused too much pain and confusion given the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to see her as "just a friend." There is still a very strong connection there, and it is just too hard trying to pretend that there isn't. And it is against my moral code to have an affair with a married woman, even if it is just an emotional affair. That is something new I awoke too as well - that just becuse I am not having sex with someone, or kissing them, doesn't mean we are not having an affair. And I need to do the right thing and avoid emotional affairs with married women just as I would physical affairs.
Ty actually took it better than I thought she would. Of course, there was some pain involved - for both of us. But I tried to assure her that this is not a permanent thing, and that if and when situations change, we can do it again. If she wasn't married now, none of this would be an issue. But she is, and it is. So we have both agreed to cool it for awhile. And while I am a little sad about it, I must say I am somewhat relieved as well. I was surprised how hurt I got when I read her FB post about her hubby being home - it hurt more than I thought it would, or should. I mean, he is her husband, right? And the thought of them sleeping together, and then us being chummy again after he left again - yeah, not good.
So yes, there is cessation of suffering. I got some much needed information about my head and what's going on there, and some good advice about something I was pretty confused about. I am definitely thankful that God brought Diana into my life. To onlookers, it may seem that she is not really helping me. But I know, as does she I am sure, that without her - well - I am not sure where, or even if, I would be right now. And right now, in this moment, I am ok with being here. I am actually at peace even, and what a blessing that is - a blessing indeed.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
remember
you need me
to remind you
that all is not forgotten
that some wounds just don't heal
and that some scars run far deeper under the suface
you need me
to remind you
that happiness is not always a choice
that sorrow sometimes cannot be avoided
and sometimes there is no place to hide
you need me
to remind you
that our minds are not always ours
that our thoughts are not always chosen
and that this life is not always what we make of it
you need me
to remind you
that some of us smile and fake it
that some of us are broken inside
that some things cannot be repaired
you need me
to remind you
that I am still here
but I am not here
and someday you will remember
to remind you
that all is not forgotten
that some wounds just don't heal
and that some scars run far deeper under the suface
you need me
to remind you
that happiness is not always a choice
that sorrow sometimes cannot be avoided
and sometimes there is no place to hide
you need me
to remind you
that our minds are not always ours
that our thoughts are not always chosen
and that this life is not always what we make of it
you need me
to remind you
that some of us smile and fake it
that some of us are broken inside
that some things cannot be repaired
you need me
to remind you
that I am still here
but I am not here
and someday you will remember
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the walking anomaly
the destitute soul
wanders the halls
they can't see
the chasm inside him
he politely smiles and coninues the ruse
deep inside
he is an astronomical anomaly
a singularity
not one from which no light can escape
but one which no light enters
a single point solidified by time
and fed by insecurities
in the final analysis
it doesn't matter
he's got a job to do
and a role to play
in the grand delusion of the happy life
this year the Oscar will be his
and everyone will stand and cheer
the walking anomaly
wanders the halls
they can't see
the chasm inside him
he politely smiles and coninues the ruse
deep inside
he is an astronomical anomaly
a singularity
not one from which no light can escape
but one which no light enters
a single point solidified by time
and fed by insecurities
in the final analysis
it doesn't matter
he's got a job to do
and a role to play
in the grand delusion of the happy life
this year the Oscar will be his
and everyone will stand and cheer
the walking anomaly
Monday, March 1, 2010
Still under water
I guess that's the best way to really describe the feeling that I have now. I am not drowning as I was Friday, but I am still not back on top either. I am just floating beneath the surface, a little afraid to peek my head out, because I know that eventually I must go back under. The cold darkness of this lonely place is always there, just waiting for me to sink once again the next time I lose the strength to keep treading.
I wrote Ty an email this morning and stated basically what my beliefs are about all this, and those beliefs are based on the fact that I think some people are just "broken" - they can't be fixed or healed, no matter how much counselling, medication, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, ad infintum .. they get. They - we - are just broken. People want us to believe we can be fixed, and we want to believe that ourselves. But I just don't think that some of us can ever be fixed. Not in this time and place; not in this materialistic spiritually dead society; not in this emotionally vacant desert of humanity we call "life." No, there's no fixing it here.
I have noticed lately just how many people are committing suicide, and it makes me wonder if there aren't a lot of other people out there feeling this same way. I saw last week that one of Marie Osmond's sons, who was 18 years old, jumped off a building to his death. Then there was the suicide of Andrew Koenig who played "Boner" on Growing Pains in the 80's. He hanged himself in a tree after suffering from clinical depressio for some time. One has to think that these people, being in celebrity families, had access to good healthcare and mental healthcare, right? That they had access to counsellors and such. But still, they are gone now. Andd while many will ask "why?" I can say that I know why.
For me, it is probably only because I have kids that I am still here. I used to think that I was just simply incapable of killing myself. But when I engaged in that cutting back in October, it actually felt very good, very relieving. And I have had times where I wanted to do it much more, much deeper - but I don't because of how much it upset Tessi. And that is the only reason. If I did not have her, I would probably be cutting away, with little regard for my life or what would happen. If I were to die, that would just be a pleasant side effect. That sounds so horrible to say, but damn if I don't feel that way so much of the time.
It's so funny - I get so wrapped up in finding a woman, and here I am SOOOO fucked up in the head - what a joke! Like any woman is going to want to be with the mess I call "me", and like it would even be a good idea to let anyone in so they could finish off the last little piece of me and destroy me completely. Who knows, maybe that would be good after all. Maybe I could just shut down completely emotionally then, and I wouldn't feel anything. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I think I am broken - and I don't think there is any fixing me - ever.
I wrote Ty an email this morning and stated basically what my beliefs are about all this, and those beliefs are based on the fact that I think some people are just "broken" - they can't be fixed or healed, no matter how much counselling, medication, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, ad infintum .. they get. They - we - are just broken. People want us to believe we can be fixed, and we want to believe that ourselves. But I just don't think that some of us can ever be fixed. Not in this time and place; not in this materialistic spiritually dead society; not in this emotionally vacant desert of humanity we call "life." No, there's no fixing it here.
I have noticed lately just how many people are committing suicide, and it makes me wonder if there aren't a lot of other people out there feeling this same way. I saw last week that one of Marie Osmond's sons, who was 18 years old, jumped off a building to his death. Then there was the suicide of Andrew Koenig who played "Boner" on Growing Pains in the 80's. He hanged himself in a tree after suffering from clinical depressio for some time. One has to think that these people, being in celebrity families, had access to good healthcare and mental healthcare, right? That they had access to counsellors and such. But still, they are gone now. Andd while many will ask "why?" I can say that I know why.
For me, it is probably only because I have kids that I am still here. I used to think that I was just simply incapable of killing myself. But when I engaged in that cutting back in October, it actually felt very good, very relieving. And I have had times where I wanted to do it much more, much deeper - but I don't because of how much it upset Tessi. And that is the only reason. If I did not have her, I would probably be cutting away, with little regard for my life or what would happen. If I were to die, that would just be a pleasant side effect. That sounds so horrible to say, but damn if I don't feel that way so much of the time.
It's so funny - I get so wrapped up in finding a woman, and here I am SOOOO fucked up in the head - what a joke! Like any woman is going to want to be with the mess I call "me", and like it would even be a good idea to let anyone in so they could finish off the last little piece of me and destroy me completely. Who knows, maybe that would be good after all. Maybe I could just shut down completely emotionally then, and I wouldn't feel anything. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I think I am broken - and I don't think there is any fixing me - ever.
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