the meaning

For the first time in awhile, the title of this blog actually carries some actual meaning. I am finally experiencing some relief from the horrible downness I was in for the last 4 or 5 days. I had an appointment with Diana and asked her straight up if, in her professional opinion, I was just some whiny, self pitying selfish bonehead, or what she would diagnose me as. She told me that I was a complex case, but that she definitely believes that PTSD is the primary component of my issues. I think finally hearing that there is something going on beyond just me being weak or a whiner had a major effect on the way I view myself and my thought patterns.

She explained that it might be helpful to view it as if I had Parkinson's or something like that - an actual disease. But unlike Parkinson's, there is some hope for getting better with what I have. She also gave the analogy of a veteran with PTSD who hides under the table when he hears a truck backfire - when something happens to me that triggers those "women issues" I have, primarily as a result of the trauma I experienced with my mom as a child, I go into that same mode. Signing up for eHarmony again, and not getting any positive responses acted as a trigger as well. As did the relationship with Ty. Speaking of that...

Diana asked me several questions about what was going on with Ty - how much we were communicating, if she had told me that she loved me, if she had complained about her marriage to me - and I told her how we were communicating several times a day, and that the answers to the other questions were 'yes.' She asked me what I would do if I had a "stash" in my house somewhere, and I told her I would get rid of it. She then likened the thing I had going with Ty to a stash - the addictiveness, the high I got off the communications, the anticipation of the next one, the disruption of my work routine - it hit on all cylinders. I asked her if I had to cut ties completely, and she asked what I would do with the stash, So yeah, she was suggesting that I cut ties completely for as long as she is married. I actually completely agreed with her, even though it was something I really didn't look forward to doing.

So yesterday, after I got back to work from the appt, I sent Ty an email and explained that it just wasn't good for me to stay in contact with her right now - that it caused too much pain and confusion given the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to see her as "just a friend." There is still a very strong connection there, and it is just too hard trying to pretend that there isn't. And it is against my moral code to have an affair with a married woman, even if it is just an emotional affair. That is something new I awoke too as well - that just becuse I am not having sex with someone, or kissing them, doesn't mean we are not having an affair. And I need to do the right thing and avoid emotional affairs with married women just as I would physical affairs.

Ty actually took it better than I thought she would. Of course, there was some pain involved - for both of us. But I tried to assure her that this is not a permanent thing, and that if and when situations change, we can do it again. If she wasn't married now, none of this would be an issue. But she is, and it is. So we have both agreed to cool it for awhile. And while I am a little sad about it, I must say I am somewhat relieved as well. I was surprised how hurt I got when I read her FB post about her hubby being home - it hurt more than I thought it would, or should. I mean, he is her husband, right? And the thought of them sleeping together, and then us being chummy again after he left again - yeah, not good.

So yes, there is cessation of suffering. I got some much needed information about my head and what's going on there, and some good advice about something I was pretty confused about. I am definitely thankful that God brought Diana into my life. To onlookers, it may seem that she is not really helping me. But I know, as does she I am sure, that without her - well - I am not sure where, or even if, I would be right now. And right now, in this moment, I am ok with being here. I am actually at peace even, and what a blessing that is - a blessing indeed.