The latest

Well, I guess it has been almost 2 weeks now since I brought Galen over to his mom and Kenny's. I must say it has been pretty peaceful at home. Although I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a littlt bit of grief about it. It does seem rather weird for him not to be there. I haven't even talked to him at all. In fact, I was just discussing that with Jamie and Dave at lunch, and Dave actually suggested that I probably should at least check in with him to let him know that I still love him, and that I haven't abandoned him like his mom did. I think I will take him up on that advice and see if I can chat with him a bit tonight. Of course, he may not want to talk to me, and that is a possibility I will have to be ready for too.

Let's see, what else is happening. Not much of anything really. It seems I have succeeded in distancing myself from just about eveyone I used to associate with in the program. I haven't gotten an email (personal) or call from anyone for some time. I did get a message from Lisa Davis last weekend mentioning something about wanting to invite the kids and me to a party she is having, but I didn' return her call. I guess it seems a little hypocritical to me - she hasn't invited any of us to anything in a very long time, and I really don't want her to do it out of sympathy either, which I think is/ would be the case.

I was going to write a question, as to whether or not I am ok with my new, non-socializing place of being, BUT, I am not really in a place like that - I am just not socializing with the people I used to. I am going to new meetings - I found a good Al Anon at a place really close to where we live, and an AA meeting that I like on Friday night that is also close. I am hoping to find an early week meeting, to fill in the gap between Friday and the next Thursday, but haven't found one I really like yet. I will keep looking though. I am looking forward to the meeting tonight (it is a Big Book meeting too, which is always good), especially considering the fact that I missed my Al Anon meeting because I thought it started at 7pm, when in reality it started at 6 - I got there just as it was ending - d'oh!

Work is going really well, and they are keeping me very busy, which we know is a great thing for me. I am also enjoying the friendships I have built here, particularly with Jamie and Dave. We have become pretty good buds, and I have a lot of fun with them. I have shared a lot about my life with them as they have with me, and it is great to have someone to talk to at work. I think I might actually make it to my 2 year anniverary here, which would be quite an accomplishment for me!

As far as my personal life, it is still pretty blah. I have been spending more time with mom lately, and I guess that is not a bad thing. We are going to spend the day together tomorrow and take the light rail down to the science museum. It should be fun. I have no desire to date, or even try to now, and have completely given up on even the thought of being with anyone right now. I am working on not letting it get me down, and just accepting it as it is. It is a little hard for me, but I think I am getting better. I think what really gets me is the fact that all of my ex's are in happy relationships now - Sam is still with Kenny (of course I wouldn't want her back anyway, but that's not the point), Marci is married to Burton, and Tina is planning on getting married to her boyfriend Andrew.

So everyone else has someone new in their lives - everyone but me. And I am trying to avoid the whole "pity party" aspect of that fact, and just accept it. I used to tell myself, "well, God has someone really special for me, and that's why I have to wait." But that may not be the truth, and there is no use in deluding myself by telling myself that, beause what if it never happens? What if I end up like my Uncle Davey, or my mom? I don't want to blame some higher power/God for that, and destroy any faith or hope I might have. And it is not healthy for me to blame myself and think that I am a loser either. So I will take a really old school view of it, and just consider that the fates don't have it in the cards for me right now, and may never have it.

I finished "Learned Optimism" (it was pretty good) and now am continuing on with "Food for the Heart," another Buddhist work. Realizing that most everything here is samsara helps quite a bit; knowing that suffering is part of life, and indeed is natural is very freeing. It lets me know that I am still alive - like it or not!

Life on the island

I went Jamie's party on Saturday night, and it was pretty fun. I did feel a little isolated though, as I was one of the few adults (that I knew of) not drinking, and I didn't know all that many people there, outside of work people of course. Mac and DV were there, but they both had ladies with them, so they were kinda' doin' the 'hang together' thang. There weren't really any single women there at all, so I felt a little out of place. But I hung out for about 2 and a half hours, which I thought was pretty good. I brought beer brats and mashed potatoes. I grilled the brats and everyone really seemed to enjoy them, so that was nice.

I am finding more and more lately that I think of myself as extremely isolated, and unable to really relate with anyone. I know in AA they always say "none of us are truly unique," and I believe that as far as the disease goes, that is true. When it comes to life circumstances however, I do think that all of us have very different challenges facing us. And mine, being a single dad, being a single man at almost 40 years old, and being a recovering alcoholic addict who doesn't drink seem to provide a set of circumstances that cause me to think that no one really wants to be around or get to know me. And to be completely honest, maybe it is entirely the other way around - I don't want to be around anyone else and have no desire to get to know them. I am perfectly willing to admit that it is all on me, that I am not really so different, and it is just my own thoughts that create the feelings of isolation and abandonement.

I talked to Sharon a little bit this weekend and explained how I've been feeling/what I've been thinking. [I have to remember the new things I am learning - it is my thoughts that create feelings; it is a real challenge for me to get that through my head, as there are so many things that seem to create an instantaneous emotional response in me]. Interestingly enough, she seemed to share a lot of the same ideas and beliefs. She said she too is not as personable and friendly as she used to be, and that she is finding that there really are very few people she can really open up to who seem to care. I guess the stories I told myself after hearing that (I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I respect Sharon) caused me to feel some relief. But also some grief as well, as I thought that perhaps it is a sign of a greater change in our realm, or maybe in sensitive people like us. In any case, it truly seems that some of the fun/joy/laughter in life is dimming - for some of us at least.

So here I am on my little "island of Kevin," not happy, not miserable just - just here. And I am not sure if there really needs to be anything else at this point. I feel somewhat broken, and maybe that's what it takes to get completely fixed - to be completely broken first. I am just living day by day, doing my job at work, and trying to maintain. Today, that's my victory, my superbowl, my gold medal - I'm still here, and I'm still sober. Yay.

Relief and reality

I was surprised to get a reply from Tina so quickly yesterday. Turns out, she had been having the same anxious feelings, and she too thought it was a good idea to address it. She offered what I believe to be an actual, sincere apology for lashing out the way she did when we broke up, and it was very comforting to me to read it. She stated that she thought we could still be friends, that she didn't think I would ever want that again. She went on to ask what was going on in my life, so I sent her a long email back, describing the depression I have been feeling, and all of the tough events of the last 4 months or so - Danielle passing away, Irene getting cancer, Charlie being put down, my struggles with Galen - everything. I ended my email by asking how she was - if she was still working at Fennimore Craig, if she was still with Andrew, how Meghan was doing.

She wrote me a nice email in reply, and stated that she is still with Andrew, and in fact they are living together and planning to get married in a couple of weeks. She went on to say that she had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago, and that she was actually hospitalized for about a week. I guess I am still a little shocked that she could have moved on so quickly, and it did hit me a little weird. But I think the blow was softened a little bit when she also informed me that Meghan is still not completely potty trained. That was always something that drove me insane, and just thinking about it made me glad that we had split it off.

So, all in all, I think it worked out well. Knowing that she is still with Andrew, and that she has actually miscarried a child from him will help to completely, and finally, let go all the way. I must admit that I still had a tiny glint of hope that I might be able to at least bed her one more time. But now, thankfully, that door has been closed. We were able to be civil to one another, and so now I won't be so anxious about possibly seeing her somewhere while out and about. I am confident after our correspondence that we could actually be nice to each other, and that is a calming feeling.

While checking email last night, Sharon caught me for an IM session, and it was good to chat with her. She said maybe we could get together and talk sometime this weekend. She is married, but we have maintained a prett good friendship. I always liked her a lot, just never in a romantic way. I do sometimes miss going to movies and hanging out like we used to do, so it will be nice to spend some time with her again. Then, Saturday night is Jamie's big Halloween party. I have some reservations about going, as I know a lot of people there will be drinking, some to excess I am sure. But I like Jamie - we have become pretty good buds - and I don't want to miss it. I am not sure what I am going to dress up as yet, guess I better figure it out soon.

So, all in all, things are going pretty well. I am still a little down, but I am learning to 'dispute' my negative thoughts about myself and to do my emotional ABC's on a regular basis to help recognize those thoughts. I think it is starting to have an effect, and I am happy think I may yet have hope of getting over my negative self thinking. Also, I went to a different Al Anon meeting last night that just happens to be right down the road from where we live, at the Creative Living Fellowship. It was a good meeting too. If I actually cared anymore, I would probably be stoked that there were a number of good looking women there too. But I truly don't care anymore, and I have to admit, it's nice being in that place. Just like in my last post, I will end with my new catchphrase - whatever works.

Finally caved

Well, just about 5 minutes ago, I finally caved and sent Tina an email. I'm not sure exaclty why I did it. Perhaps it was a mix of watching an extremely nostalgic movie last night ("Adventureland") coupled with eating lunch with DV today and him asking if I had ever emailed her since we broke up. I am telling myself that there are no hidden motives, that I have no intention of getting back with her, and that it was not done in hopes of getting her into bed. But I can't be entirely sure that is all 100% true - I am a man, have hormones, and am hungrier than ever for some good sex. And for all of the other troubles and issues we had in that relationship, the sex was not one of them.

But, in defense of myself, I will say that I have been suffering from a certain amount of anxiety anytime I am somewhere where I think I might see her, and I would like to get to a point where if that were to happen, we could both feel comfortable - or at least not be fearful or anxious about it, like I have been. The last communication we had through emails was not very nice, and somewhat harsh. We were together for 2 and a half years, and I would like to think that something of that time survived intact.

I do need to be careful though, as I know I am treading into dangerous territory. I honestly do not want a relationship with her again, and I need to make sure that I stay strong, and under no circumstances give her any kind of hope that we might get back together (if she would even want that) just to get some sex again. The last time we patched things up, I think I did it primarily for that reason, and things didn't turn out so good. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news, Galen is still at his mom's, and it is looking like he might be there through the holidays. If I have my way, he will be. I really need a break from him, and I really need him to see that there are consequences for his actions, and that I mean what I say. So far, it seems like he is liking it pretty well over there. Of course, I wouldn't know because I have not talked to him and don't plan to. I will say that it has been much more relaxing at home without him there. I think I could get really used to him not being there.

I am getting a nice break this weekend, actually starting today, as Lora is taking the kids both up to the cabin for the weekend. I think it will be relaxing and am looking forward to it. Jamie G from here at work is having a Halloween party that I am planning on attending and that should be fun - even though my anti-social side it trying to convince me not to go. I do want to though, as I really like Jamie, and Mac and Dave - both of whom I enjoy hanging out with - will be there. Tonight, I am planning on hitting an Al Anon meeting that is just down the road from where we live, at the Creative Liing Fellowship. I have never been there before, so it will be interesting.

All in all, I think I am doing better. I still have some pretty serious pangs of depression, and have called Heidi, my nurse practitioner, to do a med check, as Diana said it seems as though my meds are not taking that depressive edge off like they should. On top of that, I am doing some serious 'homework' on the ABC's of emotion, and reading a book she sent home with me called "Learned Optimism." So, it's not like I am just wallowing in it - at least not totally. I am doing it just like the program - one day at a time - sometimes, one moment. Whatever works...

Balance out the fuckin' window, and Galen out the fuckin' door

Wow, what a difference a week and a half can bring. I started a bit of an upswing - a very small, tiny one - but now I am once again feeling like crap. Where to begin. Well, yesterday, I was scheduled to have a conference with Galen's teachers, and I thought that since he had been doing better, and because I didn't want to leave work early yet again, I would just 'call in.' I called and got in touch with one of his teachers, but she thought it was imporant that I come in and talk to them because they had a "behavioral contract" for Galen that they needed me to sign. So I did just that. And so began an awful night.

Two of the three teachers proceeded to tell me that he was STILL not turning assignments in, that he was talking and disrupting class, that he was still not following all of the rules, etc. Needless to say, I got EXTREMELY upset. On top of that, he was supposed to be there too, but he wasn't. He claimed that he figured I would stop by home and pick him up to take him BACK to school - logical, right? Right! When I got home, I really let into him. He pulled the same shit he always has, making excuses, blaming the teachers, etc - but this time he added a few "new" things. When I told him he was grounded again, he told me that if his girlfriend broke up with him because he couldn't talk on the phone, that he would intentionally fail the 8th grade repeatedly, until they had to basically kick him out because he was too old (he went so far to name some law about it, as if he had already looked into it). Then, when I told him that we might send him to boarding school, he told me that he would go live with Sam and Kenny before we could do that. Oh - and that's a part of the story that needs further light shed on it -

See, Sam sober now, because they (she and Kenny) are supposedly trying to get the 4 kids they lost back (and probably keep the new baby). Also, she is going to school to be a crime scene investigator. The kids spent the weekend with Lora, and apparently spent some good time with Sam as well. And for that, I truly am grateful. I have been praying that she would get sober and take some interest in the kids for a long time. But now, I get to experience the "return of the hero" syndrome again, where the kids think mom is just awesome, and so nice, and working so hard, yadda yadda yadda - and me? I'm the asshole, the disciplinarian, the ball buster. I bust my ass for the last 6 years, sacrificing everything for those kids, while she fucks off and gets high. Now, she gets to waltze in and be 'the chosen one.' I don't like it too much. But I digress - back to the story -

So he threatened to go live with them, and I got even more pissed. But then, he said the thing that sent me over the top. He told me that he wasn't going to see or spend time with the family anymore because every time he did, he lost time that he could have spent with his girlfriend. And it has worked out just so that the times he hasn't been with family (my mom, Grammi, Uncle Marshal) he has been grounded. So it only made sense to make the connection that it was the family's fault that he didn't get to see his girlfriend.

Well, I had heard enough threats and decided to take him up on them. So, I got in the hall closet, grabbged his suitcase, and started packing it for him, told him I was taking his ass over to his mom's right then and there, and that he could live with them. And I did just that - drove his butt right to her front doorstep and told him to get out. She was standing out front, but I didn't even talk to her - I just had him close the door and drove off. I picked up a new deadbolt on the way home and istalled it so he will no longer be able to get in the house. He is out of our life for awhile - til after Christmas I have decided. He doesn't want to be around the family, so I am going to take him up on it all the way.

And he is not getting anything back, except for clothes. No iPod, no bike, no skateboards, nothing. I am done with him. It is hard to believe that after all I have done for him, he could be so cold, cruel, uncaring, and disrespectful. But he is, and I will not have it. I am not sure what my counsellor Diana is going to say about it, but I am standing my ground. Sam hasn't done a fucking thing for those kids for the last 6 years. So if she really is sober, she can take a turn. She's only got the 1 baby now thanks to CPS, so she can handle it for awhile. She's going to have to - I told her straight up last night that if he can't stay with her, he will need to find someplace else to go. And I mean. No one, NO ONE, threatens me. I am, or used to be, a very nice, patient, easy going person. But even then, I didn't let anyone get away with that bullshit. I think I am losing that part of myself now though - I am coming to learn that being nice just doesn't pay : it doesn't pay in the dating world, in the corporate world, and apparently not even in the family world. So the "nice guy" may be gone forever. Welcome to the new, harder me - hope everyone likes it - it's what they wanted. Well, now they're going to get it.

Finding Balance

I went and saw Diana yesterday and it was a really good session. She sent me away with some "homework," as well as a book to read - I think it's called "Learned Optimism," and I started reading it last night. At first I thought it was a little out of place because I never considered myself to be a pessimist. But I started reading it and I could totally related to what was being said. And as I thought about it more, I realized that my mom has always been the perfect pessimist, always expecting the worst to happen. In fact, her favorite saying os something like "expect the worst, so that way, if something goes wrong, you'll be ready for it," or something like that. And given the amount of worrying she has done, it fits perfectly with a pessimistic outlook.

And so I am accepting the fact that I have become a very pessimistic person. And not just about situations, but about people and their motivations as well; especially about people and their motivations. In fact, I think that had a lot to do with my feelings of anger and abandonment that I got regardin the meetings. I took everyone at their worst, and assumed that none of them cared about me - a very pessimistic outlook on their characters. And I know I have done the same in romantic relationships. In fact, I think it pervades my entire life.

So I am hopeful about starting this new book - hopeful that I might be able to learn to be optimistic, and get over the pessimism that is holding me back from happiness. The first part I read last night makes some statements regarding the relationship between pessimism and depression, and it seems fairly clear that there is a very strong link between the two. I could very much relate to a couple of the short examples given, and I am actually in a better mood today than I have been in in some time.

I just checked my checking account and came to the realization that I am either going to have to take a cash advance from one of my credit cards or do something else to make it to next payday. I swear, it doesn't seem like I spend that much money, but I must in places I don't think about. I know that I am spending $200 a month for Tessi's daycare that I wasn't spending for a few months, but that doesn't seem like enough to account for the tightness I have been experiencing for the last several months. Oh well - I am grateful to just have a job at this point, and one that I like quite a bit.

All in all, things are getting better. And I think I am going to take Diana's advice, and instead of "giving up entirely" on ever being happy, I am going to seek true calmness of mind - stability; not to be numb or dead emotionally, but more accepting of myself and whatever may come in life. I am willing to give up the high high's of exuberant joy if it means that I will be free of the low lows that I experience. Balance - it's all about balance. I am hoping to find and remain in it.

Oil and water

I just got off the phone with Mom, and it was pretty obvious that she had been crying and was upset. I knew it was going to be tough on her losing Charlie. Unfortunately, because of the way she is and the obstacles that are already present in our relationship, it is difficult to offer any real consolation or comfort to her when she is like this because she gets so defensive and abrupt. She had asked me earlier this week if I would like to go out and see Kristy (Kane) 's new baby, and I said I thought that would be a good idea. Well, when Kristy didn't answer the phone last night, or call Mom back immediately, she immediately thought that meant that Kristy didn't want us to come out, so she called Marshal and started making plans for me and Galen to go out and see him - catch that? Plans for ME AND GALEN.

So when I talked to her just now, she wanted to know if I thought if it was a good idea for Galen and I to spend some time together doing 'guy stuff'' with Marshal. I told her that if Kristy didn't call back, that yes, I thought it might be a good idea and that I would think about it. She seemed to think that I was flat out rejecting the idea, and started getting defensive, explaining how she just thought it might be good for Galen and I to spend some time together, and I explained that I agreed, and that I would consider that, IF we ended up not going to Kristy's. But, as so often happens with Mom, and gets even worse when she is upset, it was like we were speaking different languages, and all she heard was "I don't want to do that - it's not a good idea." So she started to get more defensive, subtly stating that she should just 'keep her nose out of stuff.' Ugh. I get SOOOO tired of going through this with her.

So I told her, again, that YES, I thought that would be a good idea, IF Kristy indeed did not really want us to come out. But that I thought it would be rude and inconsiderate of me NOT to go see Kristy and the baby if she DID want us to come out. If she DIDN'T, then I thought it MIGHT be a good idea to do something with Galen and Marshal, but that I COULD NOT commit to that until I knew FOR SURE what was going on with Kristy. Well, I think she finally got it, because she repeated exaclty that to me, and then proceeded to pretty much click me off. Yeah. Fun stuff.

And now I am wondering how in the hell this is going to work, with both of us begin depressed at the same time. In the past when this has happened, things don't go well at all. She, and proably I too, gets very defensive, and takes everything as an indictment of her. When I am down myself, I usually lose all sense of caring, and say something to the effect of "whatever," which just serves to piss her off even more. And so the cycle of fun begins.

Fortunately, I have an appt. with my counsellor today, because I am not really sure how I am going to handle all this. I am really not in the mood, or emotional shape, to deal with her right now. It seems that so much of my time in therapy or counselling has been spent on how to get along with her, get over her emotional abuse, get beyond her stinging remarks and controlling manipulation - I am just tired of her hijacking every attempt to get mentally healthy that I have ever made.

I think her condition only increases my level of hopelessness. I am beginning to see clearly that she really will never change. She may go through brief periods of 'sanity,' but they will always be followed by relapses into her old ways - sometimes brought on my major events such as putting Charlie down, and sometimes by unforeseen or unknowable events that only she knows. In any case, it sure makes it hard to maintain any real happiness - at least for me. Perhaps I will find a way yet, but for today, the outlook is cloudy.

More sad news - Rest in Peace Charlie Brown

I went over and saw Mom last night, as she had told me that she has come to the decision to put Charlie Brown down. He has had blood in his urine for a while now, and Mom had taken him into the vet to find out what was wrong. They seem to think that he might have some kind of tumor, and it is causing him to be unable to pee. From what mom said, he hasn't had a good urinary movement in some time now. So, rather than let him suffer with the pain of having the urine back up into his kidneys and poison his whole system, Mom had decided to put him down. She asked if I would come over and see him last night to see what I thought, and to say goodbye.

I could tell by looking at him that he wasn't feeling well at all. He just wasn't himself. I sat down on the floor, and typically whenever I do that, he is right there, hamming it up and laying in my lap so he can get a full-on belly rubber. But instead, he sat in front of me, looking uncomfortable, as if there was no position that would offer relief. I sat on the couch with him for awhile, and tried to get him to give me kisses, but he would not; it was as if he was saying goodbye, and didn't want to make it any harder. He has never, ever gone without giving me kisses - but he did last night. We took some pictures for posterity, and Mom said that she would probably take him in today to have him put down.

I know it is going to be devastating to Mom. She and Charlie have been best buds since we moved out in 2006, and she really loved that little dog. And to be honest, who didn't? He truly was the best behaved, best mannered, most loving and loveable dog I have ever know - a true one of a kind. I am not sure how Mom is going to cope - this has been such a hard year for her. First, a good friend's daugther is killed in a car accident. Then, her aunt comes down with cancer. Now, her best friend is going to go away. And this is all on top of Dad, Karen, Sharon (mom's friend), and Desi dying in the last 3 years.

I am sad too, but not as much as Mom is. I think I have really taken my new philosophy to heart, and perhaps I will come off as being a cold person. But I need to do what I need to do to survive, and not go insane or kill myself. And so it seems that this is the lesser of 2 evils for me. I am becoming that which I always detested - again. It seems that this is not the first time that I have written these words.

I will truly miss my little Boo Boo, and I know that this world is losing a little bit more of what made it bearable today - at least for me, and I suspect, my Mom. We must go on, but we will never forget you Charlie Brown. Thanks for sharing yourself with us - may we meet again someday...

Happiness sucks

I think I may have finally figured out the key to avoiding these deep depressions - it is to never be happy in the first place. I mean, if one is never happy, then when something bad happens, or a tragedy strikes, or a big letdown happens, it's not some big swing from one emotion to the other, right? The person is already unhappy, so perhaps there is an increase in the unhappiness, but there is not that feeling of loss, or regret - that the person had something, and lost it, or it was taken away. The happiness was never there to begin with, so all that has happened is the increase of something they already have.

This probably sounds very nihilistic, and to be honest, I guess it is somewhat. But I am seriously considering this philosophy as a way out of my deep, deep depressions. I don't want to keep coming back to feeling this way. I have been severely depressed for going on 5 days now, and I fear that the horrible cycle will never end - unless I do something to end it. And while checking out permanently has looked very appealing for the last week, I am looking into different options. One of those was to undergo a symbolic death, and I have already put that plan into motion. I am basically going to be dead to anyone and everyone I have met in the program for the last 6 years, and I am going to quit going to all the meetings I was going to. I also quit the bowling league I was on. So basically, outside of work and family, I will be dead to everyone else.

And this second part is the death of my hope for happiness. I am going to give up hope that I will ever find any kind of happiness, and even give up the concept itself. I think all it has done is delude me into thinking that someday, something would happen, and I would be truly happy - I would find a good woman, my mom would get some real help, my kids would be happy and successful - but none of those things may ever happen. And Lord knows I will probably never be happy with who I am. So how about instead of trying to be happy, I just give up altogether? I mean, what do I have to lose anyway? I have no real friends. I have no girlfriend or partner. My kids are stuck with me no matter how I am, and if I am never happy to begin with, maybe I won't get so angry when they make me (more) unhappy. And I can fake it well enough at work. Fortunately, I work in a career where I can spend 7 out of 8 hours staring at a computer screen and don't have to interact with people anyway.

So there it is - the "Philosophy of Kevin : Happiness is unattainable, and seeking it only causes misery. Therefore, the seeking of happiness is to be avoided, as is the belief that it is real at all." Just another bullshit fairytale - that's all it is, and all it will ever be.

Suffering

I took the day off yesterday (PTO) and finished wrapping up all the treasury duties, made a final deposit, and dropped the box of stuff off at Crossroads. I closed the book on that chapter of my life completely. I got several emails from homegroup members asking about how I was doing, and to most I replied kindly that I was just tired of feeling alone in a room of people. To a few others (well, really just one I guess - Stephanie) I sent a somewhat coarser reply, stating that I found it hard to believe that she cared about me as a person when it seemed as though she had never really even acknowledged my existence. She pointed out that we had had "several chats, in and out of the rooms," which I dispute, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway - I am done with that group and everyone in it for awhile, maybe forever.

So today I come into work, and there are messages on my phone and in my inbox about the app I built (modified) for the Better Together campaign. Supposedly, several people were trying to enter donations yesterday, and it wasn't working, costing potentially several donations, as people were trying and trying, couldn't get it to work, got frustrated, and just gave up. Now I couldn't help but be upset about this, and I automatically went into anger, thinking "Yeah, right - now I will get shit on for this fucking app after getting it to PROD in 1 month instead of the 3 it should have taken." I tested it out, and wasn't able to reproduce the error, and so I felt like I was pretty much flat out fucked. I talked to the lady running the campaign, Camille, and I am sure she could hear the despondence in my voice. I talked it over with her, and then with Al, and we all seemed to agree that it was probably a user education issue. So the decision was made to make the error messages more visible - easy enough - and add some verbiage instructing the user about entering something in each of the fields.

That was all before lunch. So then, we are walking over the cafeteria, and as we approach the doors to the east lobby, lo and behold - who do I see sitting there on the waiting bench? Good ol' Sam herself, with her newest baby in a carrier beside her. She was busy talking on her phone and I am pretty sure she didn't see me, but my heart sunk, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to badly to go over to her and say, "So, another one hunh? Are you ever going to pay attention to the first 2? They could really use some kind of mother in their life." But I thought it through, and decided that it wasn't the time, or place, to do it. I was pretty damn embarassed actually, and I sure didn't want anyone from Banner to see her and find out she was my ex. I also didn't want to risk getting in some kind of confrontation or yelling match with her, only to have my director or someone else from Banner see it all. So I just kept walking.

It was pretty hard to eat lunch and to have any kind of conversation with anyone. In fact, I left the cafeteria early, thinking I might see her again on the way out. But I definitely did not want her to see me. Well, as I walked out the door, I turned to look at the bench, and to my relief, she was gone. When I got back to my desk, I had an email that Jennifer (my bosses boss) had forwarded to the whole team, from Camille, gushing about what a great asset I have been to the project and what-not. It was a very complimentary - almost too complimentary - email, and I send Camille an email thanking her and joking that it would be hard for me to live up to that now.

And one might think that I would feel much better now. But I don't. I am just as depressed as ever. I did get about a 2 minute feeling of satisfaction from the email, but that was about it. I instantly went to thinking that Jennifer will never actually say anything to me, and it will just slowly fade away like all things do; a nice gesture by Camille for sure, but I fear more of a "throw the dog a bone" than genuine appreciation of efforts. It was only after I got a little upset and despondent that she sent it. Of course, this is all being colored by my shit colored glasses right now, so I'm sure my perception of it all is warped.

I think this is the longest I have ever gone being this depressed, and definitely have come closer than I ever have before to killing myself. Perhaps this is all "prep work" for that glorious day when I'm gone, and don't have to be here anymore : cutting off all contacts, walking away from all the AA/CA/whatever A groups, not answering my phone, withdrawing into myself. I think the thing is I just don't WANT to be happy anymore. It never works anyway. I know from experience that having a woman doesn't help, and I don't give a shit if I have one now or not. I know that my children don't make me happy. I expect way too much from them and feel that nothing I do for/with them matters anyway. Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Suffering is all there really is.