March Update

Wow - as so often seems to happen, it looks like it has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I ought to address some of the "outstanding issues" from my last post. First off, I was (very happily) able to get that busted bolt out of the hole. I think it was the very night after I posted, or maybe the next one. I bought a new pair of REAL Vice Grips, went out there and whacked the stud with a framing hammer a few times, locked on and started rotating back and forth. Then, that magical moment came when I felt it give way.... ahhhh.... the sweetness of that feeling! To make things even better, instead of having to wait for the part I ordered to arrive (in fact, it STILL hasn't come - have to send an email about that), I got some advice on the forum to go down to good ol' Ace Hardware. So I did, and whaddya' know - they had just what I needed. So I was able to get the busted stud out, put the new one on, and get back on my bike within 2 days of that last post. Yeaahhhh!

Next, I am sitting here at my desk at my new job at Black, Gould and Associates (actually the 'arm' I work for is called AGB Business Services - the software side of the company) and I am loving it. The people are every bit as nice as I had hoped they would be, and the equipment I am using is leagues above what I had to work with at Banner. My PC here has 8GB of memory - at Banner, I think I had 2, maybe 3. The benefits are awesome too. And speaking of beneifts, there is a really nice sports club right across the street that I joined last Friday. Yesterday was my first workout, and the place is awesome. Tons of machines, no waiting, full facilities with full basketball court, shower/locker room, hot tub, sauna, even towel service is included. Now, I can get back to a regular workout schedule. And it's really nice to think that I don't have to work around the 'closed' hours like I did at Banner. As a regular club, it's open 7 days a week, and at hours that will allow me to work out M-W-F, which is what I prefer.

On the relationship front, things with Debbie and I have been getting better and better. It seems I am even more in love with her now than I was before, and that love is only growing stronger. We have been learning to communicate better and the amount of time we spend in confusion, or being upset, is growing less and less with each passing day. I really, really want to be with her even more - to live together. I am not quite sure how to accomplish that, seeing as how I am in a mortgage that I am so  upside down on. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and think of some options - and to pray like hell about it! Ha ha! And I would be remiss if I didn't say that sex with her is absolutely incredible. It too just keeps getting better and better, and she pleases me in ways no other woman has, and ways that I wasn't even sure were possible. Talk about grateful.

I guess a nice topic to wrap this up with is probably the most important of all : on March 24th, I celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety. It is such a miracle, and an absolute blessing. It is only because I am sober that all of these other blessings are even possible, and I never want to forget that. I was thinking yesterday just how 'rich' I am. I have a nice motorcycle, a nice truck, a nice place to live, a great job - all the material things a person could want. And then I have 2 wonderful, healthy children, a great brother and his family, and a beautiful, wonderful woman to share my life with. I truly am living a dream that I never thought possible, and I am so, so thankful to the God of my understanding for all the good stuff. Oh, and I have a sponsee now too. His name is Holmes. God help him! Lol!  : )

A definite case of the Mondays

I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.

In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.

I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.

In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.

Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.

Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth.  Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.