On the down low again

Just like the cyclic nature of the seasons, my depression has returned again. I suppose it's somewhat inevitable that it would given the fact that the same set of circumstances keeps recurring in my life : horrible luck with the whole dating thing, troubles with Galen, the holidays coming up and being single - AGAIN - all of this stuff tends to get me down. I sometimes like to think that I am doing better, and perhaps I am. This time around, although I have been down and had a few passing thoughts of killing myself , I have not been obsessed with it as much as I have other times I have been down.

I have come to decision that I am simply not going to even attempt to be overly happy for awhile. It really seems like a sisyphean task, and I am really tired of pushing that freakin' boulder up that hill. I think I am just going to focus on not getting overly depressed and staying out of the "I hate/want to kill myself" thoughts. That can be enough for now. It's going to have to be. Because even though I want to be happy (or at least I think I do), it is extremely hard when I feel "trapped" by my 14 year old son.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, Galen is back to his old behaviors again, giving me a real headache. I told him last night that I just don't care anymore if he goes to class or whether or not he fails. I just can't go on tying my happiness to that, especially considering the fact that I am trying to care for something he doesn't give a shit about. At this point, I just wish he was 18 so I could be free of my societal obligations to him. It sounds terrible, but I just don't want to be responsilbe for him anymore. He wants his independence, and I would so love to give it to him. He made it even worse by bringing up the fact that I "have to give him a place to stay" - so now he is actually shoving that in my face. Wonderful.

There is one thing I can do, one behavior of my own I can change in all this. And that is my constant return to being "nice", and giving in to him - e.g. giving the phone back, buying things for him, treating him out to Yogurtology, giving him money, etc. I vow, at this moment, to end the cycle of "giving in" and spoiling him. Because that is what I am doing - spoiling him. He knows that no matter what he does (or doesn't do), no matter how bad it is, if he just waits a little while, straightens up his behavior for a minute, and turns on the charm, I will give in to him and he will get it all back. Not this time - not this time.

In other news, and adding to my dishevelled mental state, I have bedbugs in my bed. I started noticing some dark spots on my sheets some time back, but thought maybe they were blood spots from hangnails or something. I kept finding more and more of them, and then one day, noticed a little tick-like bug crawling on the bottom edge of my mattress. I had heard about the 'bed bug invasion' on the news recently, so I finally put 2 and 2 together, did some research, and found out that I might jsut have bedbugs - and the dark spots all over my sheets were telltale signs that I did. So, I started examining my mattress and boxsprings, and guess what I found - bedbugs. I found a number of them under the corner of the bed where I lay my head at night, as well as at the bottom corner of the mattress on the same side.

I tried doing a little cleaning to get rid of them - lifted the mattress and vacuumed the are between the mattress and the box springs, and sprayed some rubbing alcohol in the areas I found them as a bit of a stopgap. But they are still there. And as a matter of fact, I was awakened this morning by a small one crawling on my pillow, and a larger one crawling on my mattress down by my chest. That was about 5am, and yeah - it was basically impossible to go back to sleep - talk about the heebie jeebies.

So today, I decided to work from home so I can figure out some way to take care of this. I am pretty sure I am going to end up getting a whole new bed and just getting rid of the one I have now. It is the big pine one that was Marshal's when he went to college he guess, and then mom gave me when we got a bigger place. From what I have found out about bedbugs, they like to nest in wood. So I don't think it is even worth trying to save any part of it. I am just going to hag it out. In reality, that sounds good to me, as I have never really liked that mattress anyway. On top of that, it has a lot of memories and events tied to it, making the thought of shitcanning it very appealing. On top of all that, it is pretty old - it has definitely had its time.

Yuck - the "fun" continues

Last night was a pretty bad night. I wasn't feeling well at all, and all I really wanted to do was lay down and relax. Galen and Tessi walked across the street to Walgreens, and when they came back, I asked Tessi if she had any homework. She said she didn't, and I told her that if it ended up that she really did but just wasn't doing it, I would not help her come Thursday night. To which she said, "you didn't help me last time anyway," or something to that effect. And at that very moment, I lost it. I have helped her with her homework every week this year, and she knew it. Why she said that, I don't know, but I had a feeling that it might have had something to do with haging out with her brother and picking up some of his "wonderful" attitude.


I tried to contain myself, but just couldn't. I ended up throwing one of our glass bowls against the sink and shattering it. I proceeded to yell at Tessi, telling her that I always helped her, and I couldn't believe she said that, then went on a basic tirade towards both of them, stating that I couldn't believe not only how unappreciative they were, but how it seemed like both of them - as well as their mom - had some alternate view of reality, and that perhaps I was truly insane, because it seemed like the things I thought happened didn't, and things I didn't think happen truly did.

Long story short(er), Galen ended up leaving for awhile, calling his mom and telling her that I was flipping out, Tessi stayed home, cried a bit, I settled down quickly after Galen left, I apologized to Tessi and told her that most of my anger was directed at Galen, but that it hurt to think that neither of them remembers any of the nice things I do for them, Sam (my ex) called Tessi and told her that her mom was on the way over to get her because Galen told her (his mom) that Tessi wasn't safe with me, Tessi called her mom and said that wasn't true and that no one needed to come over, Tessi went over to a friend's house to stay the night (some really nice people that have kind of adopted Tessi into her family), I went to bed, and then about 9:30pm Galen came back in and said he had nowhere else to go so he came home. I didn't say much, just gave him his new medication and went to bed.

...And a crappier Monday, or No Mas

I am done writing these entries about Galen, and how "wonderful" he seems to be doing, because every time I do, it is inevitably followed by another post telling how he has fucked up again. And so is this case this time. Yesterday - ah, you know what, I don't even want to waste the words on this shit anymore. Suffice it to say that he ditched 7th hour yesterday, and as a reasoning, said that he "didn't feel like going." Nice. I don't feel like feeding his sorry ass either, but I do.

I was going to take today off so I could go to the courts and find out what I need to do to either have him declared incorrigible, or at least protect myself from getting fined. But, I am on call this week, so I can't really do that. Instead, I am going to go to his school since it is so close and give all his past academic records to the social worker as he requested, and ask him what kind of trouble I can get in if Galen continues to miss school.

You know, part of me wants to say (and truly is saying) "I just don't deserve this." Then there is the AA part of me that says "if I got what I deserved, I'd be dead." Then there is another part of me that says, " ..." I don't know what it says. I guess it says something like "I was never this much trouble to my mom in high school, and my mom was out drinking half the time, or playing lovey-lovey with Bob Barber for God's sake. This kid has it easy compared to me - what's his fucking problem?"

In the end, I guess none of that is really productive. It is what it is, and I have to accept it and deal with it here and now. I can say that as much as I love Galen, I really don't like him anymore, and can't stand to think of all the lies and mnaipulation that he weaves. And I need to be strong from here on it and NOT GIVE IN when it comes to doing nice things for him. He is such a little manipulator. He will be sweet as sugar to get what he wants. Then, after he does, all bets are off, and he is back to being a smartass asshole. Ugh.

I am grateful that I have friends - both in the Program and not - that I can lean on and talk to. And I am grateful that I have a pretty strong spiritual foundation. I know all of this is impermanent, and it will pass. I only need to maitain some kind of patience, compassion and love, and all will be well eventually. I just need to breathe - ahhhhhhhhh............

A better weekend

This weekend marked the first time in quite awhile that Galen, Tessi and I have spent more than just a few minutes together on a Saturday or Sunday, and it was really nice. We all went to PV mall Saturday morning to get Galen something he wanted at Hot Topic - these 'arm warmer' type things. I have decided to stop concerning myself so much with the black nail polish and such and to focus just on his behavior and school performance. While we were there, I also got Tessi a nice little silver ring like she had been wanting - as a sort of reward for getting straight A's. So they both got a bit of a treat, and it was good to spend some time enjoying each other's company. Later that afternoon, I tool Tess over to her mom's to stay the night.

The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing. Galen actually stayed home all weekend, which was a bit of a shocker, and actually kinda' nice. I went to bowling Saturday night and had one of those nights where I can couldn't throw the ball the same way twice. Good thing is, I still had a blast! Lol.We watched a monster movie Saturday night that I had rented. Sunday, I did a MAJOR floor cleaning in the living room, kitchen and dining room - basically all the marble tile. It looks, smells and feels SO much better now. Then I watched the Cards try to lose to Oakland unsuccessfully - they actually won somehow (more like Oakland lost it, as their kicker missed a 33 year chip shot with 2 seconds left).

All in all, it was a good weekend. I guess there is one little thing I left out, but I am not going to make too much of it. Saturday, after going to PV mall, we headed home so Galen could collect a bunch of his PS2 games that he wanted to trade in to get a new one - Prince of Persia. While we were at GameStop, a lady (Jennifer) who has a daughter (Madison) that went to Madison Christian when Tessi was there came in, and we struck up a conversation. I have always thought she was pretty and always wanted to talk to her. But I thought she was married or had  boyfriend, so I never pursued it. Saturday, I worked up enough courage to ask about that stuff a little bit. And when I found out she wasn't married and didn't have a boyfriend, I asked her if she would like to get coffee or something sometime. She said yes, and we exchanged numbers. I actually contacted her to ask about Sunday morning, but she wasn't able to make it. We are supposedly going to try again for this weekend.

There is a part of me that started to get excited, as she did seem to light up a bit (even Tessi thought so) when I asked her about getting coffee. But I have learned in my recent experiences to never assign too much meaning to anything and to never expect anything; just take it as it comes, and if it doesn't come at all, so be it - don't get all upset, just accept it and roll on. And right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I was thinking about texting her yesterday to say "hope you're having a good day," and then I decided not to. I am just not going to go after like I have before. Because, to be honest, at some level, I just don't care about that whole thing anymore - not like I used to. I would be lying to say that I don't care at all, because I do. And if I had a choice, sure, I would have a girlfriend. But I feel that I have given it the old "Harvard try" - I've given it all I had, and came out with nada. So I am ok with just not giving it much of anything for ahwile.

I am trying to focus more on friends, my kids, and the Program. I am answering the phone now - every time a friend calls. No matter if it's Todd, Luke, whoever - I answer. And I am doing a better job reaching out and staying in touch with friends like Heather, Sharon and Ty. It is these relationships that I am focusing on now - ones that will still be here 1, 2, 5 years from now. And as far as all the things I miss - the sex, the sex, and of course, the SEX! LOL! well, I will survive. And someday, I am confident that I will have sex with someone, and something other than my hand again. Even if I have to end up going to Nevada and "buying" some love one day, I will have sex again. But I am not going to go relationship hunting with that as the primary objective - not again. And so, I am focusing on friends. And today, that's ok - it really is : )

Latest Galen update

This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :

 I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.

I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.

So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.

---------

And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.

Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.

So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all  the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )

Great Meditations

I have been meaning to record some of the awesome meditations, or at least the visualizations I have used for them, for the last week or so. Of course, with what has been going on, that kind of went to the wayside. But I had another really awesome one this morning, so I want to record them for future posterity, as I seem to have hit on something that really resonates deeply with me.

The initial meditation I had about 4 or 5 days ago started with a motif I have been using alot, especially with the "rain and chimes" deep meditation CD I have : I envision sitting on the shores of a beautiful lake in the woods, with the gentle rain falling on it. I started extending the vision a bit to include a stream emptying gently into the lake. Then, the other day, I made some inner cognition of the stream as a literal "stream of consciousness", flowing from the ocean of Mind, and the lake as my individual consciousness being fed by that of the Universal Consciousness. It was very powerful indeed.

This morning, I was having that same kind of meditation, and had Kwan Yin enter it, pouring out her jar of healing water in the lake of my consciousness, calming its waters and soothing my mind and spirit. It was another awesome meditation, and I am really enjoying this new direction in which my meditation is going. I was having some trouble getting into deep states of samadhi, but since this imagery has come, I have been getting there more often, and gotten to even deeper levels than I had before.

So I will continue along the path. I was thinking this morning that one of the things I, and actually some other people, have noticed recently is how excellent my memory is getting, particularly when associated with remembering people's names, like at meetings and such. Where I used to have a hard time remembering peoples names, often times at meetings now, I can hear 3 or 4 peoples names, and I instantly memorize them, completely without effort. I even had a girl mention something about it last week when I went up to her and her friend after a meeting and called them both by name. She was somewhat amazed, saying "wow! You remembered that? Good memory!" I explained to her jokingly that my memory was only that way for women. But in reality, it has been getting that way for everyone. I am thinking it might just be associated with the meditation, but can't say for sure. I know my memory is getting better though, and that is pretty cool. And given just how enjoyable the meditation has become, I would keep doing it even if there were no visible or concrete benefits, if only to allow my mind that time to truly relax. It truly is a gift, and wonderful.

Troubles with the teen

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written anything in here. I guess I have just been having way too much "fun" dealing with Galen's crap again. It started last week (Thursday) when I got a call from his English teacher - the cool one who is the guitar player and whom Galen liked so much. He told me that Galen wasn't turning in any homework at all, and that he is failing the class with a 55%. I told him about Galen's theory that he has ADHD, and Mr. Anderson (the teacher) said he has taught 1000's of kids with ADHD and that he doesn't believe Galen has it. Neither do I. Nonetheless, he has an appt tomorrow with a psych to get screened for it.

So when I got home Thursday night, I lectured - not yelled, just lectured - Galen about it and said that he needed to do his homework, ALL of it, before he could do anything else. Mr. Anderson had told me that he gives the students a 'checklist' of the homework they have, and he asked if I would start checking Galen's every night to make sure he had done it. So I thought when I sent Galen into his room to do his homework, he would be in there all night to get it all done. He had like 4 journal entries to do, a poem, and something else.

Well, lo and behold, less than an hour after he went in there, he came out saying he was done. I was like, "no way..." But sure enough, I checked it, and he had completed all of the work. I asked him, "you created all this heartache and headache over a measly hours worth of homework? Really?" He seemed to agree that it was silly and agreed that he just need to start doing it. So once again, I thought we had a productive talk, and just maybe he was back on track. Then came Friday...

I got home from work, and the first thing I see when I walk in is him standing there with something behind his back. He starts saying something to the effect of "I know you're going to be mad... blah blah blah.... Derek had my bus pass and wouldn't bring it to me... blah blah..." and after his little story, pulls the home phone out from behind his back and tells me that it is broken - he got mad at Derek, threw it, and broke it. It was at this point that I also noticed he had that stupid freakin' black marker all over his arms again, as well as black-painted fingernails, and to top it all off, a button that said "Legalize Cannabis". Needless to say, at this exaclt moment, I went off.

I started lambasting him, telling him how he had told me that yelling and screaming didn't work (and saying it very sarcastically, as if he had been a baby about it, which he had) and how I had changed that behavior - how I hadn't been yelling and screaming at him, but talking to him, and even going so far as rewarding him by giving him a phone again. I told him that if he wanted to stay in my house, there was to be no more of the black marker all over the arms and the black nail polish had to go. And I got EXTREMELY upset about the button and told him that I couldn't believe he had the gaul to wear that in my house, knowing that I am a recovering addict. I basically ended it all by saying - yelling - the old cliche' "if you want to live in my house, you will live by my rules." I punctuated it with a nice "if you want to look like a drug addict, then go live with them and get the fuck out!" It sickened me to think how much I sounded like my mom at that moment. But I remember too that I never looked the part like Galen does - not in high school anyway - and that at least I went to school and passed my classes. I never tried to intentionally throw it in my mom's face like Galen is doing to me.

So anyway, I left to take Tessi to Sam's, meet Paul F and some guys for dinner, and then go to my Friday meeting. When I got home, Galen had left a note with a seriously "martyr-ish" tone to it, saying that he thought it best if he leave for the weekend, that he didn't want to make any more excuses, and that I was right - it wouldn't be fair to Tessi for him to endanger my sobriety. And I have not heard from or seen him since. I am getting ready to go up to his school to see if they can call him down to the office for me though because I need to find out how he wants to meet up to go to his appt.

The actual reason I thought to sit down and write this today is because I was pondering that very meeting, and feeling a tinge of guilt for the fact that if he were to stay away from home, basically move out, I wouldn't care one bit. Any feelings of attachment and concern for him have been replaced by disgust and disappointment. He is old enough now that he is not helpless, and all these things are coming about as consequences of several poor decisions he has made, his brutal laziness, and I think some misguided effort on his part to create this mystique of being a "bad boy", a troubled youth. Whatever. I might get him laid, but it sure isn't winning any points with me.

And so I am going to go ask him if he is moving out for good, and if he tells me that he is, demand the housekeys back. Other than that, I have no real plans until after we go to meet with the shrink tomorrow. His mom is coming too, so we will all be there together, which will actually be nice. I am thinking about keeping Tessi home from school so she can come to, and we can all show him that, as a family, we all love and support him - yet AGAIN. Not like we haven't gone out of our way to show him a 1000 times already. I guess we'll see what happens. Fortunately, I have an appt. with Diana tomorrow night, so I can work through some of this stuff, of which I am sure there will be plenty!

(not so) Indecent proposal

I did something last night that I have never done before - at least not that I can remember. I was getting ready to go to bed, and thinking about Barbara a bit for some reason, and I had a strange impulse : send her an email asking if she would just like to have some consensual sex with no strings attached. Why I thought of that, I don't really know. But as I pondered it, I realized that I didn't really have anything to lose by sending such an email, and there was an off chance that she might actually say yes. Worst case, she would think I was a perv and never email me again. Best case, I get some sweeeeeet lovin'! I figured that since she doesn't have time for an actual relationship, maybe she would be open to just skipping all that and getting right to the good part.

I was pretty much expeceting either no response, or something along the lines of "what kind of woman do you think I am?" But much to my surprise, she actually replied last night (I didn't check email til this morning, but it was sent late last night - quickest response ever from her! Lol) and said that she was flattered, that she had actually been involved in something like that before, but that someone usually ends up getting hurt. And because of all the "emotions already swirling around" our situation, she had to do the responsible thing and decline. Now, one might think I would be bummed out. But considering the fact that I was expecting a much more terse and defensive response, I was actually very pleased!

And so, for some reason that only God knows, I sent her an email stating that I understood, and that I still felt the same way about the whole thing, that we were meant to be together, that I would always be ready if she ever is, and that if not in this lifetime, then perhaps the next. As I sit here writing all that, I am thinking "WTF is WRONG with you dude?!?! Why don't you just give up on this chick already!" And the answer is, I am not completely sure. I'm fairly certain is has to do with the fact that she is beautiful (and in ways I specifically really like a lot - for example, she has gorgeous feet, I am talking ones that almost give me a wood!), she is deep, she has a great body, and most importantly, there really was some kind of incredible psychic connection between us. And to me, that is just not something that can be easily given up. As long as there is at least a chance, how ever infinitely dim and small it may be, that I may get the opportunity to explore that connection more deeply with her, I will not completely give up.

I have come to a place however where I am much more at peace about it, and I am not holding my breath that anything will ever happen. I am going to move on with my life, and not obsess about her or a relationship with her. Nor am I going to bug her constantly about it. I am just going to remain open to it, and as long as she continues the correspondence, so will I. I believe there is a part of her inside that knows - that knows what is there between us - but she is afraid, and unwilling to give in to it. She is afraid of not being in control, and doesn't like the idea of being bound so tightly to anyone or anything. And she may always be that way. Like I said, if not this lifetime...

In other, much more stressful news, Galen is starting to revert back to his old behaviors again, and had me totally stressed out last night. I told him just this weekend that, since I got a letter from the school about his poor attendance, he needed to start coming home by 6pm at the latest every school night. So last night, a night the board meeting is scheduled, he texts me at 5:30 to tell me he will probably be a little late getting home. I am thinking like 6:15, 6:30. And considering the fact that I don't really have to leave until 6:20 to get there on time, I wasn't too worried about it.

So, 6:20 came, he still wasn't there, but I had to leave. I told Tessi he would probably be home soon, and texted her saying to text me as soon as he got home. I also sent him a number of texts asking when he was getting home, most of which he did not answer. Come 7 o'clock, I texted Tessi, and he still wasn't home. At that point, she started calling me every so often, asking when he was going to get home. I had sent him several texts asking him that, none of which her replied to. I was getting more and more upset with each passing minute.

Next thing you know, it's 8 o'clock - still no Galen. Now Tessi is calling and I can hear the worry in her voice. She is wanting me to come home because Galen is still not there. Finally, at 10 after 8, he replies and says he is almost home. 15 minutes later, I call home, and he STILL isn't there! I told Leona, Jim and Michael that I had to leave by 8:30, and they understood.

Finally, abouy 8:25pm, I call him and finally get in touch with him ( I had once before, but he mumbled something and hung up on me). He is home, knocking on the door. Of course at this point, it doesn't really matter because I am getting ready to leave the meeting, as we have finished up anyway.

When I got home, I had a long talk with him, and basically told him that I am not going to support this behavior again, that he is not going to push me around, that he is ungrateful, and that if he doesn't shape up I was going to kick him out and he could call the cops and CPS all he wanted - I was not, I am not, going to take it anymore. I told him he is totally grounded for the next 5 days, and that if he isn't home, there will be some serious consequences. I forgot to add that he had texted Sam yesterday saying that he thinks he needs to be on Ritalin again (anything for an excuse), so I told him we will take him in and get him tested for ADHD again. I told him also that once we have done that, and he is medicated again, if he still screws up, there will be NO MORE excuses. I am actually looking forward to that, as I think he is banking on using that one to rubber stamp all his behavior.

So, here we are, a year later, and it sounds like a complete re-run of last year at this time. To be honest, I am just trying to hang on until he is 18, and I can kick him out for good so he can be on his own. I really pray that he will change a lot before then so I won't think this way. But, I am also prepared for the reality that he may not change, and may in fact get even worse, in which case, on November 22nd, 2013, his present will be a new set of luggage with all his shit on it on the front doorstep. Like I said, I pray that things get better, I really do. But just like an addict or alcoholic, he has to WANT to change. And at this time, I just don't see it. Who knows though. Miracles can happen, and I'm really hoping one happens for him - SOON.

Good new book

I have been doing some online "shopping" for a new book to read, something dealing with overcoming or healing feelings of loneliness, and I found one called "Heal Your Aloneness" dealing with inner child therapy and such. So I stopped by Gifts Anon last night on my way home, found it, bought it and started reading it last night. I had read a few pages of it on Amazon.com and thought it would hit the spot, and man does it ever. I can't remember ever reading any book that so perfectly describes those deep seated feelings, thoughts and emotions I experience deep inside. I was just stunned at how many little intricacies they pegged. I think it is going to be a very helpful book and am looking forward to reading deeper into it.

Geez, I guess I don't have a lot more to share this morning. Happy to be sober and grateful for what is...

Thoughts on meditation

Usually on Monday mornings, I post something about the previous weekend. But, there really wasn't much that happened of note this weekend. Tessi had Genesys come over to spend the night Saturday, and I took the girls swimming for a while Saturday afternoon. Sunday, the Cardinals played their first game of the season and won, which was awesome. I got a massage last night, which felt really good. And that's about it. Oh yeah - I got calls on both Saturday and Sunday about the Telecom Log, and had to sign in and fix some crap that crashed because of our server phx04019 crashing, AGAIN. It ALMOST ruined the Cardinals game, but thank God, didn't!

So about the title of this post - I was noticing this morning when I was meditating, or trying anyway, that it was EXTREMELY difficult to get my mind to quiet down. It's fascinating to me how sometimes, it is not all too hard to get into a state of deep meditation, where my mind is quiet, and I am really resonating with the sounds and vibrations of whatever CD I am listening to. Then other times, like this morning, I can't, for the life of me, get even 10 seconds of "chatter free" time from my mind  - it is just constantly racing with all kinds of different thoughts. I am thinking that some of the reason it may have been so bad was that I missed my morning meditation Saturday morning, as I was awakened by Galen coming in and telling me that there was someone named Rachel on the phone. It was Rachel from work calling about that ticket - so I didn't get a chance to meditate.

And I guess, just like so many other things, that if you - if I - skip a practice, then I lose a little bit of progress. I am going to start keeping track, even if just casually, of when it is that I miss meditations, and see if that has an impact on it. In fact, I am thinking about keeping a "meditation log," and simply writing down after each meditation whether it was ok, good, or great, and maybe capturing what thoughts - if it was only ok - were running around in my head. I'm not quite sure how I would do it yet, and I only want to do it if it is going to add some real benefit, as otherwise, it would be defeating the very purpose of meditation.

As far as work goes, I think Better Together is finally stable, and now I will be getting with Erik to start helping with BEAT..... yay. I'm so excited. NOT! This thing seems like a real cluster, but hey - I am grateful to have a job, so I can't complain.

Not sure what the rest of the week will hold - I guess we'll just have to take it as it comes. Is there really any other way? I have my AA meeting that I chair tonight, HOA meeting tomorrow night, and who knows what else. I'm grateful to God to be sober, grateful to be out of my severe depression, and grateful to have a job.
Thank you Lord.

Steady as she goes

I guess the title pretty much sums up the current state I am in - steady as she goes. I am not in some joyous state of exuberance, but I am not depressed either. And I am thinking that this in-between state, this place of relative calmness and serenity, might be the best place for me to stay. I think too often I try to achieve some level oh "happiness" that I feel I am somehow missing, and by doing so, set myself up for some greater downfall later, and that kind of happiness can never last. I think I wrote about this a little in an earlier post too.

I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if  she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.

And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.

So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.

Continuing on the path

...the path leading to the cessation of suffering. I had an appt with Diana yesterday and clarified some thoughts I came away from the last appt with - mainly that perhaps she thought I needed to start seeing someone else, that I was being too needy, or too dependent on her. She said that there was some teeny, tiny part of her that was concerned about something along those lines, but that I shouldn't worry about it - it was just a little something she had going on, and that I should feel free to call whenever I need to if I think I am in need. That was really good to hear, as I really think I have made a lot of good progress with Diana, and of the few therapists I've had, she has definitely been the best about using ALL kinds of different methods, and not just one or 2.

In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.

I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.

So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.

Not happy - just not depressed

That may sound like a bit of a contradiction, but I am coming to see that in fact, it is not. For me, it is a place that I want to get to - where I am not necessarily happy, but I am not depressed either. I have been thinking about what the Dalai Lama says about happiness in his book (which I have on CD) "The Art of Happiness," and how happiness, at least as far as the way most of us define it anyway, is fleeting, and impermanent. Therefore, if that is what I spend all of my time seeking, I am bound to have periods when I am down, because it seems like I will nevr find that which I seek - or if I do, I will only lose it again at some time.

Instead, what I am going to start working on is just not being, or getting, depressed. It's not so much that I want to be happy all the time, because not only is that basically impossible, if I was, it would signal some type of emotional imbalance and lack of empathy - neither of which is attractive to me. No, what I am seeking instead is a way of thinking and being that allows me to stay out of the pit of depression that I sink into so often. Instead of trying to build a "stairway to heave", to happiness as it were, I am going to spend my time working on a safety harness to keep me out of the pit. It is a shift in thinking, a shift in focus, and I am thinking that at this point in my life, that may be exactly what I need - especially considering the fact that I am still feeling a little down, even after a weekend filled with friends and nice gestures.

The book that Diana lent me, "The Enneagram of Liberation," is very, very good, and I am getting a lot out of it. It seems that is the primary focus of that book too, in a roundabout way : it's not about figuring out how to be happy; it's about recognizing our character fixations so we can learn to loosen the grip they have on us, and allow our True selves to shine through the veils of our egos. Which is all just a fancy way to say to get over ourselves, and stop taking everything - including the things we think and feel - so personally. I am really liking the book.

And I am going to pick up that other one I mentioned in my last post as well, and start it just as soon as I am done with the one I am reading. I have spent most of my life fighting this depression, and just like the classic poem says, I will "not go quietly" into that dark night of the soul. I am going to keep struggling to gain freedom from my inner tormentor and won't rest until I do. At the very leat, I will have the comfort of knowing that I am not just wallowing in self-pity, thinking I somehow "deserve" to feel this way - because I don't. No one does.

A real bugger

Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.

I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.

I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.

And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.

So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.

What a difference a weekend can make

So it's not news to know that I was feeling pretty depressed for most of last week. I had my appt with Diana Thursday and felt better after. Friday was a short day at work, and a day that saw Jennifer come over to my desk, look over the Better Together app, and tell me it looked very nice. All that was very good, and served to really start pulling me out of my depression. Little did I know that the events of the weekend would continue that trend, and in ways I could not have imagined.

It started off with getting a text Friday evening from Paul Fischer inviting me to dinner before the meeting with him and some other guys. I accepted, and was very flattered and grateful to have been invited, as Paul has a lot of sobriety, and I always like what he shares. I like what he's got. Not long after accepting that invite, I got a call from John Ybarra from work. He told me that he and his wife Marie were going to go to Spinato's over by where I live, and they were wondering if I would like to join them. I told him I would love to, but that I had already accepted a dinner invite from another friend. I mentioned that if they went out again sometime though, to let me know, and I would love to join them.

So I met Paul for dinner, and there were about 5 other people there - Jim Akridge, Chris, Harvey, a guy named Earl, and a really cool guy named Jon S whom I had never met before. We engaged in some great convo, and it was really cool to spend some time with everyone outside of the meeting. I got Jon's phone number and told him maybe we could get coffee sometime, as he lives over off of 7th ave and Bethany. All in all, it was a great night.

So then Saturday, I am running around doing some small errands, and John calls me again and says that he and Marie are going to that seafood place he's told me about on 19th ave, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet them there for lunch. I told them I would love to, and so we met there, and I had some AWESOME tilapia, the best I have ever had. It was great to visit with them outside of work, and they are really fun to hang out with. To top it all off, Marie even treated, which I thought was fantastic! I very rarely get treated out, or at least it seems that way. John invited me over to their place after, so I finally got to see where they live. I hung out for a few (about an hour or so) and we visited. It was really, really nice, and very relaxing. They are some good people for sure.

Then Sunday, I got a message through Facebook from an old college bud, Michael Guinto, asking if maybe I wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. Fortunately, the kids were gone all weekend - Tessi at her Mom's, and Galen at a friend's, so I was able to say "yes" without hesitating. Later that night, I decided, off the cuff, to go to a CA meeting at Crossroads East, "Diet Coke," and when I walked in, lo and behold, but who was sitting there??? Sharon! I could hardly believe it - it was hilarious. We had been talking about getting together for coffee, but hadn't made it happen yet. Well, after the meeting, we headed to Starbucks, and sat and chatted for over 2 hours. It was really great to catch up, and we both agreed that we need to get our old movie thing going again.

Monday morning, I got ready, and went to meet Mikey at AZ Mills. We had a little coffee at Starbucks, and he suggested we go get some lunch. I told him I wasn't that hungry, but that it sounded good to hang out. So he took me to this restaurant he likes called Sun Asian, and we ate lunch together. And, for the second time in the weekend, I got treated, as he paid for lunch! Then we went over to his place, and he hooked his laptop up and showed me some LINQ stuff on his laptop. It was really cool, and very informative. After that, we sat and chatted about all kinds of stuff  - depression, "What the Bleep Do We Know?", self help stuff, quantum physics - it was awesome, and we had some great convo. I told him that we need to get together again, and he agreed.

And so, it was a weekend filled with friends - many of whom I didn't even realize were such good friends, like Paul, Mikey, John... It was as if God knew I really needed to be around some good people, and he put them all right there in my life for me, just when I needed it most. And I was - I am - SOOOO grateful for it, I truly am. My typical MO would have been to just spend most of the weekend alone, trying to stay busy so I didn't feel lonely. But out of the blue, and into my heart, came all these great people to share some of my time and my life with. Wow.... it's just so cool, and so awe-inspiring. Last night, I was telling Tessi about it when we had gotten home, and she said, "well, you're really nice and they probably wanted to spend some time with you." And indeed, I have to believe she was right. I guess I just need to remember that when I start feeling down, and reach out to some of these wonderful people. Lord knows, I'm sure glad they reached out to me...

Sometimes the best thing to say...

...is absolutely nothing at all. That's what my old grand-sponsor Brian Ong said at a meeting one time, and I have never forgotten it. So many times in my life, I have fired out of my mouth whatever was in my mind, and really made a mess for myself - said things I couldn't take back that ended up costing me - relationships, jobs, advancement opportunities, ad infinitum. But yesterday, and several times actually over the last couple of years, I have actually put that into practice, and just said nothing, even though I really, REALLY wanted to say something - most often related to my job and surrounding situations. Like yesterday - I wanted to be a total smartass and say soemthing to Jennifer, like "thanks a lot for taking the time to check out my app." Man, I am SOOOO thankful I just said nothing. I mean, what an asshole I would have felt like if I had, and then somehow been able to look at what was to happen today if I hadn't - thank GOD.

Jennifer sent a couple of emails yesterday late - one saying she was sorry for not getting together with me to look at the app, and one saying that she would be around today in the morning and that, if I was around too, she would like to see it. So, she stopped over just now, I took her through the app, and she really, really liked it - said how nice it looks, and mentioned how happy she thinks Ed Oxford and Peter Fine will be. And I have to say, it felt really good to hear her say that. Like Diana said yesterday (I had an appt with her last night at 4pm), it is ego that wants to hear that stuff, and in reality, it isn't important to hear it. It's just that my ego likes external approval and recognition, so it craves shit like that, and when it doesn't get what it wants, it can throw some serious depression my way. In fact, she lent me a book on the Enneagram and getting "unstuck" and the first parts of it that I read last night were about exactly that - ego, and how it drives us, how it must be destroyed.

Now I'm not so sure about the whole "destroyed" thing. I have read in other texts that instead of trying to destroy it, we might be better off trying to make peace with it, to heal it, and to accept it. It seems that the only people who were able to rid themselves entirely of ego were enlightened masters. And one thing I know for sure right now is that I am no "enlightened master". That's not to say that I can't be someday, and not to say that I don't want to be. It's just stating the fact of what is, for right now.

So thank God, thank Brian Ong, thank Diana and thank and thank me - for keeping my trap shut, and for trodding through the depression that once again gripped me. I may not have completely escaped its ravages, and I may still have said some tough things to the kids, and wallowed in some self-pity. But the things I said to the kids weren't as bad as some of the things I've said; the self-pity was rather limited this time (didn't post a bunch stuff on Facebook); and I didn't quit my job or kill myself. In fact, I didn't do any cutting this time either - all victories for me today. And I am grateful for all of it

I'll keep on writing I guess

I was supposed to demo the app I have been working on, "Better Together", to Jennifer (the big boss) today at 11am. But, not surprisingly, she cancelled it. After all - it's not a DL, not important to her, and she could probably care less about it. That's one thing about here - she's great at letting people know through her complete lack of interest - or over abundance of it - just who and whose work she is really interested in, and who should she could give a shit less about. As if you had to guess, I fall squarely into that last category. And days like today, when I thought she might actually take a few minutes out of her busy schedule (does this sound familiar?) to actually grant me audience in her chamber and then cancelled it - well, days like that remind me where I stand with her.

Come to think of it, this is a bit of a recurring theme with women lately, isn't it? First there was Barbara, who let me know how unimportant I was by not being able to make time for me, now there is my boss at work who does the same. Nice! I like it. Actually, I think it sucks ass, and that if I was some super stud, they both would have made time for me - they would somehow have "magically" made time. But alas, I am the lowly peasant, not worthy of audience with the queens. Back to the fields to toil I go.

Wow - this is starting to sound so self-pitying that I am actually getting sick of it myself. I am just going to shut the fuck up, be grateful for what I do have, and quit bitching. I will tell this drivel to Diana this afternoon. Blah.

Never enough

I was standing in line at Starbuck's this morning, and a pretty woman was about 2 or 3 people behind me. As I glanced at her, I realized that I don't think I will ever feel like I am "enough" to be with a woman like that : not handsome enough, not tall enough, not manly enough, not wealthy enough, not strong enough - just not enough. Inside, I still feel like a little boy sometimes. Even when I met Barbara, and thought there might be a ghost of a chance I might actually get an opportunity to date her, I thought I was "getting away with something," like I was sneaking into a room I wasn't supposed to go in, or getting to sit at the grownups table.

I used to think that if my nose was just smaller... if I was just in better shape... if I was just more handsome.... if I was taller... if I was more athletically gifted... if I was richer... if I was more confident. But I now know that even if I were all those things, I don't think it would change the way I think about myself, or the way I feel inside. I try to fool myself into thinking I am confident, that I love and accept myself, and that I really am "enough." It just doesn't seem to stick though.

I think that the thought about Greg Scheytt coming up may have actually contributed to this too. When I think about the fact that he didn't see me from the time I was 5 months old until I was 16, and then basically bailed out of my life again after a few months, I guess it causes me to think - well, I'm not sure exactly what, but suffice it to say that whatever the thoughts are, they don't create pleasant feelings. They create feelings of shame, based on thoughts that I wasn't enough for him either, that he didn't care about me, and that when I was getting into drugs, he just washed his hands of me, like so much garbage on the scrapheap. Seems like a lot of people do that, and don't have any trouble doing it either.

How does one maintain any sense of self-confidence given these kind of things? I think even my kids wish they lived with someone else. Tessi stayed at Gen's last night, as they knew I wasn't feeling well, and were kind enough to offer to let Tess stay at their place so I could get some rest. When I showed up, they were eating home made softshell tacos Tracee had made, and I couldn't help but think that Tessi would probably love to live with them - with a real family where they had homecooked meals every night. She has mentioned how much she likes that when she stays with her mom. They are probably sick of my weak attempts to provide dinner every night, between Hamburger Helper, eating out, and TV dinners. Pretty pathetic I guess. I'm not much of provider in that respect.

And once again - not enough. Never enough - not as a son, not as a lover, not as a boyfriend, not as a dad, not as a human being. I'm just never enough. It really does seem sometimes that my demise is the only escape from this torturous cycle. I just wish I could die already. Don't want to kill myself - don't want to scar the kids unnecessarily. But if I just died - well, that would be different. Sounds like heaven to me.

Off the edge I go - again...

Once again, I find myself where I have been so many times before - sliding of the edge of happiness and contentment into the pit of depression. It starts out subtly, and spirals into full blown despair, wishing to die, and the hopelessness of being single, again - permanently it seems.

Oh, I have been to therapy; I have worked hard to "accept" being single, to embrace and enjoy it; I have tried to tell myself what a "great guy and great catch" I am; to reassure myself that there is nothing wrong with me, it just isn't meant to be right now. But still, it's hard to deny the seemingly unavoidable, and inescapable pattern that exists in my life : if I like a woman, she inevitably does not like me. If a woman likes me, I inevitably do not like her. If I like her, and she actually likes me too, I find a way to fuck it up like I did with Michelle. It seems as though it is a foregone conclusion that I will have no mate now, not tomorrow, not next week, month, year - ever.

Now I look at what I just said, and realize that practicing rational thought analysis, it is irrational to say "never". But it sure feels like that sometimes. And I say feel, because it is not the thought that troubles me as much as it is the feeling - that nagging, hollow, ugly feeling that there is something wrong with me; that I will always be without a partner; that even if one does come into my life, I will screw it up.

It's hard to feel any kind of real happiness when this is the reality of my life that I see today. It's hard to believe that this feeling will ever go away for good. All the therapy, all the medications, meditations, exercise, eating right - nothing can seem to stop it from returning. Because in the end, I am what I am : still the ugly little geek, grasping for gold coins that are, and have always been, and will always be out of his reach. He isn't satisfied with the silver and brass coins that life offers - he wants the gold ones. But the gold ones are too good for him - too shiny and pretty. He knows it, but he can't make that want, that desire go away. And so it eats him up inside, taunting him, tortuing him, hurting him - making him hate himself.

God damn those gold coins anyway, and God damn the ugly little geek he is anyway. He wants to be someone else. He wants to be somewhere else. He wants to be no one, nowhere, not alive, not existing, not caring. He wants out. He doesn't want to play anymore.