Just like the cyclic nature of the seasons, my depression has returned again. I suppose it's somewhat inevitable that it would given the fact that the same set of circumstances keeps recurring in my life : horrible luck with the whole dating thing, troubles with Galen, the holidays coming up and being single - AGAIN - all of this stuff tends to get me down. I sometimes like to think that I am doing better, and perhaps I am. This time around, although I have been down and had a few passing thoughts of killing myself , I have not been obsessed with it as much as I have other times I have been down.
I have come to decision that I am simply not going to even attempt to be overly happy for awhile. It really seems like a sisyphean task, and I am really tired of pushing that freakin' boulder up that hill. I think I am just going to focus on not getting overly depressed and staying out of the "I hate/want to kill myself" thoughts. That can be enough for now. It's going to have to be. Because even though I want to be happy (or at least I think I do), it is extremely hard when I feel "trapped" by my 14 year old son.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Galen is back to his old behaviors again, giving me a real headache. I told him last night that I just don't care anymore if he goes to class or whether or not he fails. I just can't go on tying my happiness to that, especially considering the fact that I am trying to care for something he doesn't give a shit about. At this point, I just wish he was 18 so I could be free of my societal obligations to him. It sounds terrible, but I just don't want to be responsilbe for him anymore. He wants his independence, and I would so love to give it to him. He made it even worse by bringing up the fact that I "have to give him a place to stay" - so now he is actually shoving that in my face. Wonderful.
There is one thing I can do, one behavior of my own I can change in all this. And that is my constant return to being "nice", and giving in to him - e.g. giving the phone back, buying things for him, treating him out to Yogurtology, giving him money, etc. I vow, at this moment, to end the cycle of "giving in" and spoiling him. Because that is what I am doing - spoiling him. He knows that no matter what he does (or doesn't do), no matter how bad it is, if he just waits a little while, straightens up his behavior for a minute, and turns on the charm, I will give in to him and he will get it all back. Not this time - not this time.
In other news, and adding to my dishevelled mental state, I have bedbugs in my bed. I started noticing some dark spots on my sheets some time back, but thought maybe they were blood spots from hangnails or something. I kept finding more and more of them, and then one day, noticed a little tick-like bug crawling on the bottom edge of my mattress. I had heard about the 'bed bug invasion' on the news recently, so I finally put 2 and 2 together, did some research, and found out that I might jsut have bedbugs - and the dark spots all over my sheets were telltale signs that I did. So, I started examining my mattress and boxsprings, and guess what I found - bedbugs. I found a number of them under the corner of the bed where I lay my head at night, as well as at the bottom corner of the mattress on the same side.
I tried doing a little cleaning to get rid of them - lifted the mattress and vacuumed the are between the mattress and the box springs, and sprayed some rubbing alcohol in the areas I found them as a bit of a stopgap. But they are still there. And as a matter of fact, I was awakened this morning by a small one crawling on my pillow, and a larger one crawling on my mattress down by my chest. That was about 5am, and yeah - it was basically impossible to go back to sleep - talk about the heebie jeebies.
So today, I decided to work from home so I can figure out some way to take care of this. I am pretty sure I am going to end up getting a whole new bed and just getting rid of the one I have now. It is the big pine one that was Marshal's when he went to college he guess, and then mom gave me when we got a bigger place. From what I have found out about bedbugs, they like to nest in wood. So I don't think it is even worth trying to save any part of it. I am just going to hag it out. In reality, that sounds good to me, as I have never really liked that mattress anyway. On top of that, it has a lot of memories and events tied to it, making the thought of shitcanning it very appealing. On top of all that, it is pretty old - it has definitely had its time.
No comments:
Post a Comment