Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track

Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.

Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.

We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.

Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.

I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.

So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.

I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )

Dare I say it - dream girl...?

That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....

We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.

I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.

Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.

And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me! 

We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.

I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God!  : )

(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!

Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.

Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.

On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!

After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.

Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.

In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers,  has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.

So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.

Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )

November Updates

Ok – so I have just GOT to take a break (I already have been, but apparently it wasn’t the right kind! Lol) from this monotonous coding I am doing. Somehow, we – I – got roped into doing a reporting application for this project called “BEAT,” and it has been extremely tedious, to say the least. I thought a couple of times that I would get out of it, as it has been the motto of the TES Dev team that “we don’t do reports” ever since I got here. But alas, all attempts to get someone else on another team to do them have failed, and I am stuck with them. Yay. I so love report writing/building. NOT! At least I am learning some things though, so that is good.


I am writing this in Word with the intentions of emailing it to myself so I can then post in on my blog – my ‘journal’ blog – which I have not posted to in some time. I have to go through all this rigmarole because they have blocked all Blogspot sites now at work – dang it all anyway! And, when I have been posting, I have been doing so to my latest blog, “108 Bows”, keeping track of the daily bows and my thoughts on them. That has been a great experience, and I am really glad I ran across them.

I thought that I probably ought to catch up a bit though on life stuff, as I haven’t done so for some time. Nothing has really changed. All done! Ha ha! In actuality, there has not been a lot of outward change, except of course for one big thing : I am dipping my toes back into the dating waters again. I had resolved to basically give up, but once again Diana convinced me (not so much convinced as successfully encouraged) to get back out there again. And so, I did just that – this time trying out yet another completely different site, OkCupid. It is one that Mike had recommended to me awhile back, but I actually ran across it doing a Google search for free dating sites. I put up a profile, and have been on there for like a month now…?

At first, it was EXTREMELY slow going. I tried some different things – changed my profile around, added some different pics, etc – and finally started getting some responses. This last Friday, I had my first meeting with someone – a woman named Pam. I had actually set up a meeting with another woman named Bunny on Friday night, but because it seemed like I would have much more in common with Pam, and the email convo seemed much livelier, I cancelled with Bunny and met Pam instead. She was sweet, but as often has happened, she was a little thicker than I prefer, particularly in the stomach area. I really do try to give everyone a shot and to be as nonjudgmental as possible. But I just am not attracted to women with big bellies. And now that I have lost so much weight, and am “Lean and mean,” I don’t consider myself hypocritical in saying that. As far as Bunny goes, she seemed a little ‘off’ to me, like very non-humorous, and maybe a bit dreary, so I don’t think I will be meeting her.

A very interesting prospect has arisen though – one I am very hopeful about. They have this ‘match rating ‘ thing on OkC where they send you a message with the images of 9 women, saying that one of them gave you(me) a good rating, and inviting me to rate all of the women whose images are attached. Then, if I rate one of the women who gave me a high rating (without knowing which woman has done that), they send an email to that woman letting her know that I gave her a high rating too. It actually is a pretty cool system, and I like the “mystery” part of it. It’s like a gameshow – not knowing which woman out of all of them may have rated me highly… kinda’ fun!

So anyway, I got one of those things, and went through rating the ladies. When I was finished, I checked my messages, and got a notification that a woman with the username ((( tn_3ogirl…? ))) rated me 4 or 5 stars too. When I looked back over her profile, she sounded sweet, and looked VERY cute to boot. Also, it looked like she was in good shape – BONUS! So I sent her a message, and we have been emailing the past 2 or 3 days. The pattern so far has been that I send her an email, she responds in the evening, and then I send her another one, etc, basically, just sending each other one a day. And this time, I am taking my time, and letting her control that pace – not sending like 10 a day, or asking if we can meet yet, or exchanging phone numbers – just taking it easy. I think the reason I can, and am doing that this time is that she seems like such a high quality prospect. For starters, she mentions right in her profile that she was raised in the South, with proper manners, and still says “please” and “thank you”; 2 big bonuses there – the politeness, and the southern accent (sexy!). On top of that, she displays good grammar, spelling and content in her emails (says Professor of English, Dr Wood! Lol) She always answers all of my questions, adds comments that relate to it regarding her, and then asks me questions in return. And to top it all off, she is very gracious, mentions that she looks forward to hearing back from me, and has made some sweet little compliments/comments that let me know she is interested (likes my smile, sais something to the effect that “all the good guys come from that part of town” in reference to where I live). So we’ll see what happens.

The one thing I am trying to really focus on this time is NOT SCREWING IT UP! Ha ha. That might sound like a no-brainer, but for me, has actually been very challenging, esp. when dealing with someone I have a deep interest in. I tended to go too far too quick, too seriously, and forget to take my time. I tended to forget that this part of getting to know each other can be fun, and doesn’t need to be rushed through to get to the part where we are dating. And I often forgot that my communication style and frequency (frequency primarily) is different than most, and I can expect others to meet up to it only at my peril. I used past-tense for all of those terms because that is what I used to do, tendencies I USED to have – no more. I am changing. I am learning from my past experiences. I am growing in my relationship skills and I am capable of making good decisions. I think I am ready to be a good relationship partner for someone, and a good “dater”.

I am also keeping in mind that she – Debbie is her name – is not necessarily “the one”. She could drop all communication today. I could end up never meeting her F2F. We could meet, and find out that there is no chemistry. We could meet, go out on a few dates, and then find that out, like what happened with Patricia. All of these things are possible, and statistically speaking much more likely than the possibility that she is “the one.” That is not to say that she couldn’t be – it is just to say that I will not be doing myself, her, or anyone else any favors by thinking and acting as if she is…

Wow, I just became fully conscious of what I am writing, and thought to myself “Right on Kevin! You/I am learning! Way to go!” It’s cool to have thoughts and realizations like that – it really is. I have been treating myself better too, literally. I went out this weekend and bought myself a really cool new faux leather jacket and some cool black casual shoes so I can look nice on dates. And you know what? I deserve it – I really do. I have worked hard – as a dad, as an employee, as a person in recovery, and as a human being trying to better himself. And for that, and everything in my life today, I am truly thankful : )

Truly, really, honestly done - at least for the foreseeable future

It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.

I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.

I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.

Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.

Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.

And that's that

I decided to put an end to the madness this last weekend. So Saturday morning, I woke up, got my gear on, grabbed Barbara's book, rode up to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where we first met, had a nice cup of coffee, and left the book with the people behind the counter so she could pick it up at her convenience. I figured that way, I have nothing tying me to her any more, and I can just get her out of my life completely. And at this point, that is what I want - to remove any and all connections to her. As far as my movie that she had, "What the Bleep Do We Know..?" I sent an email telling her she coudl just keep it or pass it along to someone else who might enjoy it. I also mentioned in the email that I didn't want her to send me another email with some unsolicited advice, as she sent a reply to the email I sent informing her about what I did saying that I had to "examine my reaction." I told her that she needs to examine her level of pretentiousness! Ha ha!

So I think I have closed that chapter for good. Of course, I was thinking yesterday that she is probably one of those women who just loves arguing, or being challenged, and that this won't be the end for her - she just won't be able to let it go. We'll see though. I actually hope it is - I really do. As pretty as she was, as intelligent and spiritual, as good a connection as we shared, it is clear to me that either she is a very selfish, uncompassionate person, really is WAY too busy for any new friends (in which case, whats the point?), or she was being dishonest with me and really didn't want to see me. And in any of these cases, I wouldn't really want to be her friend anyway, so....

In other, more pleasant news, I met Heather Saturday night at a little coffeeshop in Glendale that I have heard mentioned before in the Program called the Coffee Cup and Spoon. They have a karaoke night on Friday and Saturday nights, and it was really fun to watch all the different people get up and "try" to sing! Lol. Some were actually pretty good. Heather got up and did "Separate Ways" by Journey and rocked it pretty good! It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with her.

In other news, I "flipped" my exercise bike on craigslist and went and bought a treadmill off the same. It worked out so cool - I put the bike up Saturday afternoon, got an email about it Sunday morning, had a guy and his daughter come and buy it Sunday around noon for $120, called on the treadmill while they ran to the bank to get some cash, and as soon as they left with the bike, went and picked up the treadmill for $120! It worked out so perfectly , a real God thing. I wanted to get a treadmill because I just haven't been using the bike at all, and I am really enjoying running now. Now we'll see if I use the treadmill or not! Ha ha. I think I will though.

Took the kids to see "Despicable Me" yesterday, and it was a great movie. It was also nice to spend a little family time together - it had been a while. I think I am going to make more of an effort to make sure we spend at least one day every week or 2 doing something together like that.

So all in all, it was a nice weekend. I am looking forward to a nice week, and even better - a 3 day weekend! Woo hoo!

Weekend update

So yeah - the whole "taking a break thing"...yyyyeaahhhh. Here I am again, trolling POF, sending out messages, and taking chances! Lol. At first, I was thinking maybe that's a bad thing - maybe I really am desperate and totally codependent. But then I started thinking, hey - maybe it's actually a good thing. Maybe it means I am not getting so hopeless and despondent every time something doesn't work out, and I am actually maintaining some faith and belief in myself. I remember Diana saying that there is a difference to putting myself out there and making myself available and being truly desperate.

Now for a bit of "the trippy" : I had a dream Friday night that I was in a relationship with a black girl. It was like we were married or engaged or something. By itself, not erxtraordinary, although I have never dreamed of being with a black girl before. Then, last night when I was on POF, a black girl actually IM'd me, and we chatted for a bit. It was a pretty good chat, and she looks really pretty. BUT, I am not reading too much into it. If I learned anything in my experience with Barbara, it was to avoid assigning all kinds of meaning to various events, even if they seem to be incredibly coincidental - it can lead to nothing but heartache and trouble. I mean, if something great does come out of something like that, I can always look back in wonder, and think "wow." But if I go all crazy with it, thinking "this is meant to be!" and it doesn't work out...? No bueno.

In other news, I am meeting Heather Tancke for coffee today at 2. Heather has always been a really cool chick, and - to be brutally honest - if she was in a little better shape, I would probably ask her out. But she has gained some weight over the years, and I am just not able to get over my aversion to dating heavier women - especially now that I have gotten into such good shape myself. I think it will be great to catch up though and to visit with her. She really is a sweetheart.

Ok - enough typing for today. I'm audi 5000 yizzall!

Back to normal...?

I started the "Numbsung Hero" blog up again, and must say, I am enjoying posting some funny stuff again. I have already got a couple of comments - onr from Carol (duh!) and another from some 'anonymous' reader who says there are glad I am back, that I am still funny and thanks for making them laugh. That made me feel pretty good - to know that someone is getting a laugh out of it. I have always loved making people laugh, and to think that I can do it in this venue of blogging, well, that's pretty darned cool in my opinion.

In other news, I got an email reply from Barbara in response to my lengthy apology and explanation. I thought for awhile that maybe she had blocked my email address and written me off as a stalker - seriously! But she finally wrote back and actually apologized herself for any hurt she may have caused. I thought that was nice, and wrote back and said that, if she was still up for it, I think I could be just friends with her; that I could restrain myself; and that I too was taking a break from dating for awhile. Haven't heard back from her just yet, but she mentioned in her email that she might be down in the Biltmore area Saturday to meet "the girls," and that if she was, perhaps we could meet up and exchange her book and my movie. So we'll see what happens.

I guess there really isn't much more going on than I have already covered. I am meeting with my sponsor after my AA meeting tonight to talk over some stuff, in particular this dating stuff, and other than that, have no real plans for the weekend. I guess we will just see if anything interesting comes up. You just never know what's going to happen :)

Break time

So I met with Marj last night, and suffice it to say that it was such a "wonderful" experience that I am officially 'on break' from dating until further notice. We met at a place off of 3rd street and Bell called Yogurtini, a self serve yogurt place that was ok, but way inferior to Yogurtology as far as taste and product quality go. Anyway, we got our yougurt and sat down to visit, and she quickly got to talking about some issues she was having with her son - apparently he got busted for drugs recently, and she has been trying to get him to stop smoking the ganj (we all know how well that works - a mom trying to get her son to quit smoking weed, right? Lol).

I listened to her talking, and it was pretty clear to me that she has a VERY codependent relationship with her son, and that she was almost obsessed with the situation. I asked if she might consider going to Al Anon for some advice, and she told me that she already had gone, when she was dealing with her alcoholic husband. It seemed like she was looking for some advice, and I suggested that she might need to set some clear boundaries. She seemed to understand the concept, but I didn't get the feeling that she would be able to actually put them into practice and stick to them.

Well, after about 30-35 minutes of talking, she tells me that her son texted her, that he's home, and that she's sorry, but she really wants to go home and catch him so she can talk to him. Now, I have skipped taking the kids out to dinner to meet, taken the trouble to shower and dress nice, and driven like 12 miles - just to have her leave so she can go talk to her son...? Yeah, I wasn't real happy about that. It was however, a very enlightening experience, and showed me that she is definitely not someone I want to get involved with. She has so much going on with her son, and she is so engrossed in it, that I just don't see that we could have any kind of healthy relationship. And that's not to mention the fact that I asked her about that guy she was having trouble with, who wouldn't leave her alone, and she explained that it was an "on again/off again" thing, and that he wanted to be on again. Interestingly, that's all she really said - never said if she wanted to still, or if they were 'on again'.

All this left me feeling very disappointed, let down, and pretty much just burnt out on the whole process of meeting and trying to date women. It seems like it is just more work than it is worth right now, and I am tired of the mind games, disappointment, hassle and time it takes. I posted a message on my FB last night that I am just going to take a break from it, and I truly am. I even got on POF for just a minute last night thinking I might send out a message or 2. Then I realized I was just sick of it all, and I just closed the page. I am still in contact with Patricia, and she is fun to hang out with, so I might just go out on the occasional fun date with her, and maybe even Sharon sometimes, now that she is divorcing Bob.

I have learned a lot this round though. I have learned that it is important to be very clear in the beginning what my intentions are. And that if I am really attracted to a woman, and she suggests the "just friends first" thing, to just politely decline and move on. I am not looking for more "friends" - I am looking for a life partner. I have also learned that I tend to fall in WAY too quickly - STILL - and that I really need to concentrate on taking it slow, VERY slow, and take time to really get to know the person before I let myself think "she's the one!" And I also learned to not let anyone convince me to send them anything that I have written solely for my own viewing or purposes. Nothing good can come of it, and it defeats the purpose of such writing.

So, now I am back to "single dad" life, taking the time to be more involved with the kids, work out, read, meditate, get chores done, do my AA stuff, and just enjoy life. I am ok - I really am. I am not lonely, nor am I desperate. I am just me - single me. And single me is ok today. In fact, I like single me. And until single me finds a single someone else with whom things seem to click, single me is going to love myself and enjoy my life for all the wonderful things in it - and in me :)

The "Year in Dating in Review"

Wow, that was interesting. I was just looking back over some of my posts from the last2 or 3 months, and realizing how many different women I have met, and just how many of them I thought might work into actual 'partners.' It was actually kinda' funny - I guess I am a bit of a sap when it comes to the ladies! Lol. I tend to make some judgments and decisions very quickly, and determine after the first meeting whether or not there might be something worth pursuing or not. But I guess I should start at the start, what got me to looking over my past posts in the first place.

I think I recounted how things basically 'blew up' with Barbara. I realize that I really jumped in head first, and probably acted like a crazy person. But in my defense, I honestly felt like there was something above and beyond just attraction working - a kind of cosmic connection - and I got very caught up in it. I had to laugh when I re-read her journal entry, as she seemed to be asking herself something to the effect of "why is it that when we get what we asked for, we are afraid of it?". I think that's exactly what happened : that the universe delivered for her, but she wasn't really ready for it. At least that's my perspective. Anyhoo, on with the story.

So, having basically shut things down with Barbara, and cooled them to a chill with Pattie, I started thinking about possibly pursuing some other women on POF, but wasn't really excited at that possibility. Then, I remembered - I had already met someone who was very sweet, very pretty, warm and fun to talk to - Marj. I put things on the shelf with her after I met Pattie, in larger part because it took her so long to get back to me. But things were not left in such a manner as to close any doors. In fact, in the last email or 2 I received from her at that time, she said if I ever wanted to talk or anything, to feel free to contact her.

So Friday, I sent her a text saying 'hello,' and stating that if she wasn't seeing anyone yet, I would love to meet up with and talk to her. I was half-expecting her to either say she had met someone, or "thanks, but no thanks." To my pleasant surprise, she didn't say either of those things. She said that she had been taking a break from POF (cool), spending a lot of time at the gym (very cool), and that she would like to talk some more (awesomely cool!). We texted back and forth a bit and settled on meeting Tuesday (tomorrow) night at 7pm. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I have thought how it must be a little weird for her, with me having passed by her to date Patricia, and then coming back around.

I hope that doesn't cause her to feel too weird though, because it was really a matter of timing more than anything else. I actually think (oh boy, here I go again! Ha ha! After reading back over my last several 'dating' posts, I realized that I have said what I am about to say about almost ALL of the ladies I have dated recently! LOL!) that she has the greatest collection of positive traits that I am looking for, and the least amount of negative ones. I am NOT going to go all bananas and say "This is it! She's really THE ONE!" because I don't know that, and I will look like a heel if I do.

I will say that she is very sweet, that she is very attractive, and that I am looking forward to talking with her again. We'll see how - and where - it goes. Something tells me she is more romantic and affectionate than Barbara was, and more gentle than Pattie was. That was one thing about Pattie that was a pretty big turn off for me : the way that, when we kissed, it seemed like she was trying to literally 'crawl into' my mouth, or meld our lips together by pressing them together so hard that they fused! Lol. She was a little too aggressive, a little too rough for me.

I think this time, I am going to pray and meditate about this meeting with Marj before I actually go on it (imagine that!). I really want to take it easy, and let God, the universe, the spirit of patience lead the way. I am recognizing my tendency to just dive in. And while it's all well and good to be a "romantic", the whole process of breaking people's hearts - including my own - after only one or 2 dates, well - that's just not necessary. I need guidance - divine guidance - on this one, and I am finally going to seek it :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

And this is why...

...I really can't stand women sometimes - at least as far as the whole "relationship" thing goes. Had a nice meeting with Barb last night, nice convo, yadda yadda. Once again, felt a great connection, like we were getting closer. So today, I send her an email, a few texts, and I get hit yet again with the "friends first" club. Now, it's totally ok that she wants to be friends first. But this lady is beating me over the head with it, and to be honest, it's getting annoying. I was going to over to some friend of her's house tonight to watch "What the Bleep Do We Know," but I am actually going to cancel. And not just because I am miffed - I literally have NO underwear clean (wearing those crappy boxer briefs I bought when I was seeing Ty), I am really tired, and I don't want Tess to have to stay up too late tonight - she was up til after 10 last night, and really tired today. So perhaps it's all for the best.

Women... they are so fucking confusing sometimes. So she has a profile on POF to meet a bunch of friends...? She sent me the first communication - not the other way around. She is the one who asked to see my blog entry, knowing full well what was in there. Ugh! WTF? I swear, it's like women like her love to torture me. "Let's just keep it friends, but I am going to flirt with you, and want to see you a lot, ok?" Fuck that shit! I have 'friends', and I am lucky to see them once a month! I am too old to play games like this, so I think I am going to slam the brakes on this mofo. She can date whoever she wants, and make a ton of friends. I am looking for a relationship - like a romantic, man/woman, let's build a life together relationship.

I guess I need to be more up front about that from now on : if I wanted a new friend, or mere companionship, I would buy a freakin' puppy! Personally, I think she knows she can attract a much taller, buffer, richer, more handsome man, and she feels like she would be settling with me. Instead of telling me the truth, she is being 'nice' about it. Why do I think that? Because it's the same exact thing I would do. In fact, it is exactly what I did with Patricia last night. Yeah.

Oh Boy....

Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.

Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.

The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.

Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?

Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.

I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!

Big Weekend

This weekend was a big weekend : Patricia and I stayed at the Hyatt off of I-17 and spent the night together for the first time. We finally got to explore our passionate desires to their logical ends, and it was a very pleasant experience indeed. I had a very nice time with her, and I am very pleased at just how easy it is to be around her and how calm and relaxed I feel with her. The sex was good too, and I am fairly certain she enjoyed it quite a bit as well! Lol.

It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.

Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.

I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.

The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!

So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )

Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction

With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.

But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.

As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.

So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!

So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!

I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!

I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )

We are the Beautiful People

That is a realization I came to in the time since that last posting. We are the beautiful people. I just needed to remind myself what true beauty is all about, and how shallow and unsatisfactory it is to base determinations of beauty solely on physical appearance. And along those lines, I realized something else this weekend : that Patricia really is beautiful, and her awesome personality and inherent sexiness make her even moreso. She has so many of the "little" qualities I have been wanting in a woman : she wears g-strings (HOT ones, too), she likes to send naighty pictures (in fact, she sent the first one), she smells good all the time, no facial hair (already mentioned, but worth noting again) - I mean, there are just so many intangibles that are spot on with her. And that's not even to mention all of the totally obvious things, which fit as well.

We got together a number of times over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and had a great time each and every one. She even came to watch me bowl Sunday night, and we had a pretty hot makeout session afterwards in the back seat of my truck - it TOTALLY reminded me of being in high school! Lol! She said it did her too. And even though she is not necessarily petite, she does have a nice, curvy figure. And she has mentioned a few times herself that she is not really where she wants to be as far as her bod is concerned yet, and that she is still working on it - yet another area we match up well in, as it is important to me that any partner I have take their health and body image seriously and work to improve/maintain it. She has some GREAT breasts, some nice legs, and great skin. Yummy!

I find myself thinking more and more that I can see myself being with her for awhile and us getting more and more connected as the relationship grows and deepens. I really think she might be someone to build a healthy, long term relationship with. We are supposed to go camping together on the weekend of August 27th, and I am thinking that will provide a real litmus test for the relationship, as we really haven't spent more than 2 or 3 hours at a time together yet. Something tells me it will go great though.

I know one thing : I was concerned after Tina that I might never have as good a sex as I had with her ever again. But if the intensity with which she turns me on is any indication of how the sex will be with her, I think that sex with Patricia may well be even better, hard as something like that was to believe at one time! She really, REALLY turns me on, and she has already stated her desire and willingness to please me, and to fulfill fantasies. Oh my - I am going full mast just thinking about it! How could the actual sex not be fantastic?

And all of that would be just talk, non-important jabber, if not for the fact that she is a total sweetheart, funny, intelligent, hard-working, a good parent, has similar parenting philosophy, etc. She really is the whole package. Of course, I am still trying to take it relatively slow - no over declarations of my undying love, and no actual sex yet. Although, if we had REALLY wanted to, we probably could have done the deed already. But why rush it? I like that we are taking it (relatively) easy, and that we are getting to know each other very well first. I guess none of us really know what the future holds. But if I had to guess, I would say that 3 months from now, we will still be dating, and things will have progressed to a whole new level. Only time will tell, and I enjoying it as it comes : )

The Beast of Materialism

Rather than start off with a recap of the weekend, which was very nice, I want to share a little bit about what is going on in my head this morning - hence the title of this post. Things have been going very well with Pattie - she is sweet, cute, polite, intelligent, well-groomed - she really is a great match for me. Yet this morning, I find myself asking the familiar old question : "What if I find someone hotter?" I think what spurred it was dropping Tessi off at her friend Genesys' house. Gen's mom is very cute, and sometimes when I see her, I wonder 'why couldn't I attract someone like that?' Or maybe more appropriately, 'could I attract someone like that?' And this usually begins a spiral of going back through the women I've dated, and "checking" to see if any of them were actually 'gorgeous' or not.

Now, I'm not really sure why that is important - I am thinking that there is some part inside of me that needs to know that I too have dated gorgeous women. It almost feels like a competitive thing, like I need the other males to know that I am not "less than" simply because the women I date, or have dated, aren't as hot as the ones they have/are. It can become obsessive, to the point that I can't stop thinking and wondering about it. Fortunately, this time, that doesn't seem to be the case. The "Beast of Materialism" seems to be caged pretty well.

And so I find myself thinking about Pattie, and how sweet she is, and I wonder if I can finally get past this hangup I have about physical beauty. It's not like she isn't pretty, because she is. She is curvy, but not what I would consider "fat" by any standards. As I said, she is very well groomed, and always smells and looks nice. She is funny, thoughtful and communicative. So she really is all the things I have wanted in a partner. In fact, as I write this, I find myself more at ease, and can sense the beast retreating somewhat.

I try to remind myself also that we are not married or anything. We have just started dating, and if by some miracle Sarah Silverman (I have a big crush on her! Lol) were to come up and say "I must have you!" I would still be free and able to engage her desire! Ha ha! So there is no need to even get all worked up really. I can simply take my time, be patient, not move too quickly, and let things develop - imagine that!!! I don't need to rush into - or for that matter, away from - anything. I can just enjoy this dating phase. Lord knows, she is fun to go out with, so why wreck it with a bunch of serious stuff off the bat? I can make a different choice today. I can soothe the savage beast with the music of patience and take it slow and easy today... Thank God for the gift of learning :)

The dish on the first date

Last night was the big "first date" with Pattie, and it went very well. When I first met her at Carraba's, I was a little taken aback, as she was wearing a dress, and it did seem as though she was a little thicker in the middle than I might have imagined her. But she looked pretty, has great calves and feet (GREAT feet, very sexy), so I basically just forgot about that and decided to enjoy the date and not focus on that part. And I am glad I did, because we had a really nice time. We ate dinner and then decided to go to Starbucks for dessert. She is not a coffee drinker, but said she could do a hot chocolate.

When we got to Starbucks and I saw her walking up to me (we took separate vehicles) I realized that she has some very sexy legs - she was wearing heels, and they made both her legs and feet look great. So I rethought my position, and realized that I don't need to filter my view of someone through society's view of what is sexy and what is not, or even my own distorted view for that matter : I can look at her with new eyes, and see her for her, and not for what I judge her to be. To my amazement, that actually worked, and I saw her as beautiful (and not like she isn't or something, because she is - it's just my anal-retentive perfectionist ideas that kept from seeing that before) and really, really wanted her.

We sat close and held hands, visiting about stuff for about an hour at the coffeeshop. Then it was time for me to get home to the kiddos. I walked to her car/minivan, and we kissed - and man was it a passionate kiss! It was very nice, and at times, she was so passionate and forceful about it, I thought she was going to literally crawl inside me! Lol! I can say that there was no doubt that she liked me A LOT, and wanted me too. And she has great skin - so soft and supple, I swear it's like that of a 16 year old. And she felt good in my arms - not like I was hugging some "big" woman or anything - not at all.

So I have decided to continue seeing her and see where things go. She is so much fun to talk to/chat with, and I am genuinely attracted to her. I was thinking last night on the way home that the whole situation reminded me somewhat of that movie "Shallow Hal", not that she is nearly as big as the lady in that was. But in the manner in which she seemed to get even prettier and prettier to me as the night went on - and I wasn't even drinking! Lol! It's sounding like we are going to see each other again tomorrow night, and I am happy. I am not all madly-in-love, over the top, obsessed, crazy for her - - and that is GOOD. It is healthy, and for that and several other reasons, I am very grateful and happy. I am learning to love just like I am trying to live - one day at a time :)

Diggin' this chick

Ok, granted - not the most politically correct title ever. But I think it best captures how I am feeling about Pattie at this point. We chatted again last night, and - as usual - she cracked me up, lightened my mood, was flirty, and left me happy. I really, really like communicating with her. We just seem to "click". And best of all, I think she feels the same way. I guess that really is what it is all about, the whole 'online dating' thang : finding someone you 'click' with. I can't say for sure that things will work into some wonderful long term relationship between us. But I can say this is, by far, the most promising situation I have been in in a long, long time.

In other news, I think we FINALLY got the g*dd@mn m*th#rf)ck!n UDC issues all resolved - PRAISE GOD!!!! Lol. I was starting to think that I had entered some infinite loop, with no exit condition on that whole deal! Of course, it didn't help that Traci totally hosed the permissions requirements and provided the wrong info to go off of. Oh well - all's well that ends well. And I learned something : don't give that woman an inch, and make sure to CYA at ALL TIMES. I will make sure that any time I work with her in the future that all of the requirements are CLEARLY understood, and I will not move forward until I am confident that everyone is clear and on the same page. And, if I think it necessary, I will request a meeting with the customer - whether she likes it or not. Yep - I learn from mistakes now. I only hope she does too.

Let's see.. what else. Nothing really too interesting. Tessi came home last night for who knows how long this time. I have my first 'real' date with Pattie this Friday, and I think I am going to suggest Carraba's for dinner. They have a nice atmosphere, and great food. I will see if that sounds good to her. I really can't wait to see her again. : )

Look out for that bus! and other observations

Yep - look out for that bus indeed. I was officially thrown under it this week by Traci, right in front of Al, as she tried to blame me for "changing" an AD group in the middle of the project, causing the permissions not to work. Funny thing though - I had a printed copy of an email, that she was copied on, verifying the change as requested by the CUSTOMER. So yeah, her little attempt to run over me didn't work out too well. And when she tried to press me for why I had changed it in front of Al, he basically said 'let's just forget about that and focus on the solution' or something to that effect. It was really cool to see him be in my corner, and basically shut her down. She has been so devious during this entire project, and especially so as it has rolled into production. She basically messed up big time and dropped the ball on a major user requirement and was trying to blame me. But she didn't know that I failed recess, cuz I don't play!!! Ha ha!

In other news, I didn't hear back from Marj until this morning (she sent an email at about 1am this morning) and she said that her son has a bday party for his son so she isn't sure about doing dinner this weekend. She mentioned that she probably could Monday night but that she wouldn't be able to stay out too late. I have been trying to keep in mind my unrealistic communication expectations, but I can't help feeling she is being a little hesitant and backstepping a bit. So I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I am attracted to her, but if she doesn't feel the same about me, it's ok, and I would rather just know now. I don't want another Wendy situation where we are just 'hanging out' when she isn't even attracted to me. I am looking for a romantic partner - not another activity buddy. She hasn't replied yet, and probably won't til late tonight or tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - I am finally going to meet the redhead I have been communicating with - Patricia - at Jamba Juice at 2 tomorrow. Her picture on POF induced quite a "recation" in me, and if she looks anything like she does in the picture, chances are I will be attracted to her. She seems sweet in her emails, reminds me a bit of Michelle. So I guess we'll see what happens. I like Marj, and she seemed to have some availablity for a relationship when we met. But now that she seems to be backpedalling, I'm ot so sure. I am basically just taking this all with an open mind, a positive "have fun" attitude, and playing the numbers game like Diana has suggested all this time. It has become apparent to me that I don't need to look at each and every meeting as "my only chance" - that many more will present themselves, and I can take my time and enjoy the process of meeting different people. Yeah - I can do that today. I really can! Yippeee!

I am speaking tonight at my new Monday night homegroup at 6pm and that should be cool. I haven't spoken at a meeting in a very long time. I am a little concerned, as it is an AA meeting, and a lot of my experience deals with drugs. But I have noticed at this group that they are much more open to that side of things, and don't seem to have an issue with people sharing about that. At least not like at my Friday night meeting, which is fantastic by the way, and at which NO ONE can share about anything but alcohol - it is expressly forbidden. Right after speaking, I will try to catch what I can of my Friday night homegroup meeting, and then the regular meeting. It will be an AA night fo-shizzle! And I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night. Well, maybe I can think of ONE way!! Ha ha ha! Grateful to be happy, healthy and sober today... that's me : )