Update on the "mom" situation

After mom's little surprise last week. I decided to do what it takes to get the changes made to the court order so the kids could see Sam again. I went down to the Superior Court (think I mentioned that in my last post) and found out that a person can actually file a modification to a court order on their own. They have packets available for sale for $15, or they told me I could download the from the Internet for free. So this last weekend, I did just that - downloaded all the forms and spent most of Sunday filling them all out.

Yesterday, Sam met me down there, and we got all of the necessary forms files. hopefully, by next week, we will get some kind of decree so we can know that we are out of the woods for good - at least on this issue. I have to mention that I have been very impressed with Sam lately, and I really hope she stays sober. She has been very responsible, and we have been able to work together to get stuff done, which is very nice for a change. She is still hesitant about having the kids over until we know that results of the order we filed, and I can't blame her.

On a related note, Galen told me that he would actually like to come spend the next 4 or 5 days at home. I thought he must have some sort of hidden agenda, as he has been very cold to me lately. So I called him on it, and asked him why he REALLY wanted to come over. He said the he had made some bad decisions, and that he honestly wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him that was agood enough for me, so he will be coming back with Tessi tonight to stay for awhile. I am still a little suspicious of his true motives, but I hope he proves me wrong.

I haven't heard anything from mom, although LoraLei did call Marshal last weekend (through Mom's manipulation, I'm sure) and told him that mom was suicidal and wasn't doing well. Marsh called me to see what I thought, and I told him that I didn't trust mom, that it was probably a manipulation of hers, and that I wasn't going to do anything. He decided to call her, and from what he told me after, he was left thinking that I was probably right - that it was just a manipulation technique of mom's. She ended up hanging up on him (surprise, right?).

I am basically done with her for some time. It is horrible - so horrible - to say, but I was actually thinking that if she offed herself, it might be the best thing for everyone, including her. She is just so jaded, spiteful, angry and fearful that I can't imagine she enjoys life very much. And I know that the misery she causes everyone else would not be missed. I would feel horrible if she ever read this, but like she always says - you gotta' call a spade a spade.

We still managed to have a very nice Christmas however. Tess and I went over to Marshal and Kristina's and had a great time with them and Q. Tess and I went to see Avatar in IMAX 3D Christmas day, and it was awesome. Actually, one of the more relaxing holidays I've had in a long time.

I pray for my mom - that she gets some real help. Supposedly she is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA every Monday, but I have no faith that she will stick with it long enough to experience any true healing. We'll see though. Maybe we will all have a miracle, and she will finally do the one thing she has always avoided - take a long, hard look at herself, and take some time to deal with HER issues instead of everyone else's. Please Lord, let it be....

The return of Wandy

I guess it would be asking too much to think that we could actually have 2 good holidays in a row, and sure enough, mom decided to snap this last weekend and almost completely ruin Christmas for me and the kids. She has been freaking over the kids seeing Sam again - not so much Galen living over there, as she is still angry with him. But she has been outraged over the fact that I have been letting Tessi see her mom, and this weekend, she decided that if she couldn't control me, and make me do what she wanted, that she would take matters into her own hands.

So yesterday, after she basically threatened me the night before with calling CPS on me to report that I was in violation of a court order by allowing the kids to go over there, I decided to head down to Superior Court and see what I needed to do to cover my own butt in case she actually called CPS. While I was on the way to the court, Sam called and told me that indeed, someone had called and reported it to CPS, and that the kids could not spend any time with her until we got the court order modified. So that meant that not only could Tessi not see her mom for Christmas now, which she had really been looking forward to, it also meant that Galen could not stay with Sam at all. He is staying with Lora until we can get this all figured out, and Tessi is trying to deal with the fact that she cannot see her mom now.

I have let mom know that she it out of our life for good now. This was absolutely the last straw. To top things off, she came over to our place while we were at the court and took all of Tessi's presents back. I knew she was going to pull something like that, so I had stopped at Ace and picked up a new deadbolt, but I was already too late. How cruel and heartless does someone have to be to take presents away from a 9 year old girl? And for what - because she loves her mom? Does the fact that my mom hates Sam justify that action? I don't think so.

Of course there is another dimension to all this : the possiblity that I could have been arrested for violating a court order, or that Sam could have, or we both could have. Now it might have been an outside possibility, but still - the possibility was there. And to think that she did all this 5 days before Christmas - well, to me, that is just reprehensible. Although I can forgive her because I believe she is mentally ill, I do not have to keep allowing her into our lives so she can keep wreaking havoc. There has been a steady progression in the seriousness and destructive nature of her actions, and this one has crossed the line. I simply cannot allow her into our lives again - not until she has had some SERIOUS therapy and committed to truly changing.

Yesterday, she sent out an email around 3pm stating that she had gone to the VA and was getting into some counselling and also being presribed some medication. Of course Marshal and I have been BEGGING her for years to do this, but she has always preferred to focus on everyone else's problems. I think it is great that she is doing it, but for me, it is far too little, and way too late. Just the thought that she would squash Tessi's Christmas wishes of seeing her mom, take away all of her presents, and jeopardize my freedom, all 5 days before Christmas - it borders on the coldest, cruelest, most hainous act I have ever been witness to in our family, and I cannot tolerate any more of her hate filled vitriol and anger-inspired, destructive actions.

I almost allowed this all to create a rift between Marshal and me, as he sent an email stating that he did not agree with me letting Tessi see her mom either. But I called him last night and we worked everything out between us. We have basically agreed to disagree, and know that it is possible to still have a good relationship without agreeing on everything. I am grateful for that - she no longer has the power to pit Marshal and I against each other. So we are still going out to M&K's for Christmas Eve, and that should be fun. I am not sure about Christmas Day. Maybe Tess and I will go see Avatar or something. I honestly don't feel like going to Mike and Terri's, and we haven't really been invited anyway.

So now I have to get busy filling out all the paperwork and finding out what all I have to do to resolve this issue so the kids can see their mom. Galen texted me last night and said that he wants to stay with his mom for good, that he likes her parenting style better. Some people might expect that I would be hurt and upset by that, and I was a little bit, but not that much. He has changed a lot over the last year or 2, and it doesn't surprise me that he likes being with her more now. I don't think she is as tough on discipline, and she lets him see his girlfriend all the time, even letting him go to her house after school. I am not about to change the way I parent to make him happy, so it is probably best that he does stay there. And to be honest, Tessi and I have been getting along a lot better, and generally enjoying life without all the stress he created.

I am trying to maintain my serenity in all this, and though at times I have snapped (like Sunday night when mom wass threatening me) I think I have done a pretty good job altogether. I am hoping that Christmas Eve will be a fun time, and that we can get all this stuff resolved quickly so the kids can start seeing their mom again. I just don't have the hate towards Sam that my mom and brother do, and to this point, she has done a good job of meeting me on time, keeping her commitments on picking Tess up and bringing her back, and even gone out of her way to make it easy for me. The kids have said nothing that would cause me to believe that she is mistreating them, and Galen has actually been doing better with his grades.

May we all be blessed with wisdom, patience, understanding and compassion and be guided by the only the highest purposes during this holiday season.

Just like bad gas -

- it keeps coming back. Negative feelings that is. Of course, at least it is not full-on depression, and that is a blessing. Today, I did find myself in a bad mood however - and as a direct result of not following through with what I said I would (or, more appropriately, would not) do : I opened my piehole at a standards meeting, and was immediately shot down, as usual. You think I would learn, right? You think I would simply avoid the possibility of being shot down by just shutting my fucking mouth. But NO, I just have this compulsion to have my voice heard, no matter how insignificant the point.

And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.

Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.

So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28

'Nuff said.

Not dealing

Last night I met Sam and picked Tessi up after she spent the last 5 days with her mom. I guess I had some expectation that she would be happy to see me, especially after she had called me Friday morning crying, saying that she had a dream that I had a stroke, and it scared her. She even sent me a really touching text about loving me Saturday night. So in my mind, I figured this would mean she would be happy to see me Sunday night. And maybe that's why I took it so hard when she didn't seem happy to see me at all, and was actually quite sad. I asked her if she had a good time at her mom's, to which she replied "yeah." I asked her if she was ok, to which she replied "yeah." Basically, the old silent treatment.

And I did not handle it well at all. I know that, as an adult, and as her parent, I need to be loving, understanding, and supportive and rise above the petty emotionalism and childishness of taking it personal. But I am having a hard time doing that. I told her that it seems like she is not happy to see me at all, and she said that the transfer part is hard for her. I asked her is she was that way towards her mom when she went to stay with her, and she said she was (which of course, I didn't believe). I then went on to say that maybe she wants to live with her mom, and that she should ask her mom if she can live with her for awhile. Of course, I'm sure none of this is the right stuff to say, and I am disappointed in myself for not being a stronger, more balanced and loving person/parent. Hence, I made a call to Diana this morning and will be going in to see her tomorrow afternoon instead of Thursday.

I sometimes feel like no matter what happens, there is no winning in this situation. Of course the kids (or at least Tessi) are going to gush over their mom, whom they haven't hardly seen over the last 6 years. Of course it is going to be hard on Tessi to go there and spend time with her mom and Kenny, who have very different views on several things, and then come back to me - especially now that Galen is staying over there. And of course I need to find a way to deal with all of this in a way that does not cause more pain or damage to Tessi, or myself.

It has always been a double-edged sword, the proposition of having the kids spend time with Sam. On the one hand, it is great because the kids get to see her, and build a relationship with her, something that is good for them. And I get to spend some time without the kids, relaxing and doing some fun things for myself. But then there is the other side of it, some of the effects of which I have mentioned above. And then there is the fear that she won't stay in their lives, causing them even more pain and sadness when she bails again. Ugh. I really just don't know how to deal with all of this.

My fear is that the kids really would rather live with her, and that all I have done over the past 6 years for them is for naught. It probably brings up some of the old abandonment issues I have struggled with, and also some anger that she could totally blow them off for 6 years (not even a birthday card for either of them in all that time) while I did all the heavy lifting, and now she waltzes in and assumes the role of "super mom," as if she never skipped a beat. And the kids seem to give her unconditional forgiveness, as if she had been there all the time. Now I am the "bad" parent, I am the "meanie." Tessi has used that phrase a lot lately - that if I did so-and-so, I would be 'mean.'

I know this is all part of it - part of being a divorced parent, part of having kids, part of life. I only hope that I can learn to process this all better, for my sake, and for the kids....

What goes up....

Just as with so many things in life, what seemed to be going perfectly well - maybe too well to believe even - took a turn into the shitpile today, and I am none too happy about it. I am talking about work, and it seems like over the past week, I have gone from loving my job and the people I work with to just liking the job, and being downright pissed with a number of the people I work with. I'll start with the most immediate and pressing issue first - Al chewing my ass today for something stupid.

Last week, before Erik R left on PTO, he gave me a quick run through of a POS app that is his responsibility - LIEN - and told me how to fix the issues that might come up. So yesterday, I started getting emails about an issue with it. I did what he told me to do, and even got the DBA (Dwight) involved, but nothing seemed to work. I found out from Adam that he had worked with Erik on it, and he offered to help out too. All seemingly harmless, right? Right.

So today, a customer emails Adam asking him what is going on, and copied Al on it. Al sent Adam a reply asking why he was working on it when I should be since I was the backup. I sent an email explaining how Adam was helping me out. Al asked what was going on, and I sent him an email stating that maybe there was something Erik did that we were not aware of, and that he needs to provide better documentation before he goes on PTO next time. After that, I get an email from Al stating "Let's Talk!"

I go into his office, and he looks pissed, tells me to close the door. He started angrily asking me "what this is?" about my email. I looked and him and said, "Hunh?" He went on to explain that he didn't like the way I "threw Erik under the bus," and talking about how we were all a team, and asking if I was part of the team. He asked me what I would think if I got an email about me like the one I sent about Erik, and I said "I think I would need to create some documentation." He seemed WAY more pissed off than I would ever imagined anyone would be about it, and I was pretty confused. I kept telling him that I didn't mean to 'throw Erik under the bus,' that I was a team player and that I liked Erik. But he didn't want to hear it. He then went into the whole "I'm the boss" gig, stating how I needn't worry about what Jennifer, or the customers, or anyone else thinks - that he is the one who writes my reviews and can hire/fire me - not any of them.

So, I did the only thing I knew to do which was to keep apologizing, stating that I didn't mean it the way he was interpreting it, and promising not to do it (whatever the fuck "it" was) again. He then went on to say that the real issue is that some people on our team are 'sensitive,' and always looking for the negative, and that Erik was such a person, and that I needed to be more sensitive to other people's sensitivity (really? on this team?). I told him that I thought he wanted me to be more thick skinned, and he reiterated that some people - like Erik (in his opinion) aren't. I found this all very hard to believe, but relented, apologized, and promised to be more "sensitive" in the future. To be honest, I still don't understand what he was so pissed about. It was like he was Erik's big brother, and I had been caught making fun of Erik.

I swear, it is so hard to understand the dynamics of this team sometimes. In one moment, it seems that he wants me to be cocky and thick-skinned, willing to make the decisions that count - and in the next, to be hyper-sensitive to the feelings of the other team members. Which would not all be so weird, if he weren't the person he is, and Erik wasn't the person he is - I just don't see Erik as the sensitive, emotional type who needs protection against hurt feelings by Al. And even if he is, the email I sent was nothing derogatory about Erik, so I don't know what the fuck was up with that whole situation. I know one thing though - I am not a happy fucking camper now, that's for sure.

And I am frustrated with Jamie, as it seems he ignores about 60% of everything that I send him in IM's, which I am getting sick of. Then, at the happy hour Friday night, everybody went about their hobnobbing with other people, and I ended up feeling very abandoned and out of place. So I am not real happy with all of them - DV, Mac, and Jamie - either. They spent all week saying how they would 'take me under their wing...' - yeah, right. But this part is pretty whiny of me, because I knew going in that I was taking a risk going to a bar and that I probably wouldn't be comfortable. Kudos to me for at least giving it a shot.

Then, in the meeting today, I tried to make a comment about this new thing they are implementing (cute editor) and was summarily dismissed. It seems like anytime I have ever made a comment in a meeting, it pretty much gets ignored. So I am going to take a page out of John Ybarra's playbook (he's been here like 30 years) and just sit quietly in meetings with my mouth shut and a smile on my face. Everyone in my family tells me how 'smart' I am, but it only seems to get me in trouble. And to be honest, I don't even feel that smart anymore. Whatever passion and ambition I had is gone, and I am just trying to be the best, most obedient slave I can. Got bills to pay and mouths to feed.

What does all this mean? Not a fucking thing, except THANK GOD IT'S A 3 DAY WEEK! I need the time away, getting sick of the place that I love so much. Kinda' like the best friend you spend every day with in the summer time - by about the 5th week, you are arguing like crazy and want to kill each other. But it's never anything a couple days apart can't solve. At least that's what I am telling myself.

The latest

Wow - from the period of time between postings now, one might suppose that I either have a life now, have been extremely depressed, or abducted by aliens. Fortunately, the second one is not true, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what kind of aliens) the third one is not true either. Which is not to say that I have an actual life now. But I guess I am getting closer to that, as I have started doing some different things lately.

First of all, to catch up on the Galen saga, we came over this weekend to stay the night, and we got a good chance to talk about several things. Based on our convos, I decided that it was ok if he stays at Sam and Kenny's for awhile and ok if Tessi still wants to spend the night there sometimes. I still think there are some shady dealings going on over there, but he feels safe, and from what he said, I can't be sure that they are actually dealing meth, which was my biggest concern. So he is going to stay over there til at least the end of the semester. I am glad actually because I have really relaxed for the first time in years.

Ok - now on to other stuff. Just like a gift from above, Banner opened an employee welness center across the street and the dues are only $50 a year. I joined right away and have been working out 3 days a week for the last week or 2 (including this week) It feels good to be working out again, and this time I am focusing more on cardio so I can maybe lose some weight. I am still mixing strength training in too, but the cardio is the main focus. Whether or not I end up losing any weight, I feel better about myself knowing I am at least trying to do something to get in shape.

I have also found some good new meetings to go to - a great Al Anon on Thursday's, and an awesome AA Big Book on Fridays. In additon, I am continuing my intensive work with Diana and started a new med last week - Lamactil. It is supposed to take the "bottom" out of my depression so I don't get as down as I did this last time. And Loerd knows I don't ever want to get that bad again. I am still not sure why I didn't do something really horrible. I think it was simply the thought of the kids and what it would do to them. I honestly think that if I didn't have them, I would not be here today after that last spell. It was everything I could do to not take myself out. I've never felt it that strong before - like an actual compulsion, physical and mental. Scary stuff. Hopefully this new med will help.

I don't like the thought of being on yet another medication. But given the way I felt during that last episode, I don't know that I have any other options. If that's what it takes to make it through without offing myself, then so be it.

Other than that, things have been going fairly well. Work is staying steady, and I achieved a major accomplishment by getting the web part I have been working on to pull data from a Sharepoint list instead of SQL Server. Al was pretty stoked about it, and that is always a good thing.

I am going to go to happy hour with the boys on Friday night, so we'll see how that goes. It is always interesting going to events where pretty much everyone is drinking. I think it will be fun though. I am hoping there is some girl/woman there who imbibes a little too much, and feels "needy" - if ya' get my drift!

News from the (other) homefront

Tessi came home yesterday after spending a week over at her mom and Kenny's, and I was finally able to get some information about what's going on over there. When we met at Fry's, I noticed Tessi was wearing some new shoes, and I asked her where she got them. She said that her mom had bought them for her, and I asked Tess how her mom could afford that when she doesn't work. She said "mom is going to college." I said "yes, I know, but you have to PAY to go to college, you don't get paid to go." She then mentioned that she thought Kenny worked, and I said something like I thought that was hard to believe. I then asked if people were coming in and out all the time, and she said they were. I mentioned that it sounded like Kenny and Sam were dealing drugs, and she said "Oh yeah, they are - we know they are." While I might have been totally shocked, I really wasn't (what does that say about them and this whole situation?) I asked how they knew, and she said that she and Galen had heard people, including Kenny himself, talking about it.

So now I am faced with a new dilmna : can I really let Tessi go back over to stay there, knowing that they are dealing drugs? And do I have any obligation to call and report them to the police? I really don't know, and I am definitely going to talk to some people before I make any decisions. I found it disturbing the way Tessi talked about it, as if it was no big deal. At one point, she even seemed to defend it, saying "well they need to get money because they don't have jobs." Well, yeah! Most people would choose to go out and find a real job at this point - not deal drugs! I am not sure what to do, but I do know that I need to have a talk with Tessi to make sure she knows that it is absolutely not right and unacceptable, as well as dangerous and illegal, for anyone to deal drugs.

Getting better

This last weekend was pretty interesting, as I was alone on Halloweeen night for the first time in many years. I have always taken the kids out trick or treating, or at the least been there when they got home to go through their goody bags with them. But Tessi really wanted to spend some time over at her mom's too, so I took her to meet Sam on Friday night. Then, on Saturday, I spent the entire day with Mom. We took the light rail from beginning to end and back, with a stop by "Majerle's" for lunch, and then a trip through the Arizona Science Center, which was very interesting. We had a nice day, and it was good to get out and do something I had not done before. It was weird not having the kids around on Halloween night. I ended up watching "Drag Me to Hell," and it was actually really good. So all in all, it was a good day/night.

Generally, I have been feeling better and think that I am on a bit of an upswing. I have found some good new meetings to go to, and even made a new friend (Jim B) in one of them. I have been pretty good about doing my emotional ABC's every night like I am supposed to be doing, and have been feeling calmer and less depressed. Another event that is kind of exciting, and something I think will help the depression ease even more, is the opening of an employee fitness center across the street at BGSMC. The annual fee is only $50, and it sounds like they have all of the stuff a person could expect at a gym, including showers - much like they had at Blue Cross. Now, I have lost my last major excuse for not getting in shape, and to be honest, I am glad. I am looking forward to exercising again and possibly losing a little weight (maybe..?)

And that's about it. I have an appt with Heidi for a medcheck this Thursday, and one with Diana that night. I am completely avoiding asking - or even THINKING of asking - any women out. I am being pretty much completely indifferent to them, and have completely given up on finding one. In fact, I watched this great movie last night called "Whatever Works," and in the end, the guy (played by Larry David, a la Seinfeld) found a partner by jumping out a window to commit suicide and landing on some lady! It was so funny, and such a great message : it really is all up to chance, and even when we aren't even consciously looking, we might just get find that thing that has escaped us for so long. Hopefully, I won't jump out any windows, but Lord knows I have seriously considered similar actions!

The latest

Well, I guess it has been almost 2 weeks now since I brought Galen over to his mom and Kenny's. I must say it has been pretty peaceful at home. Although I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a littlt bit of grief about it. It does seem rather weird for him not to be there. I haven't even talked to him at all. In fact, I was just discussing that with Jamie and Dave at lunch, and Dave actually suggested that I probably should at least check in with him to let him know that I still love him, and that I haven't abandoned him like his mom did. I think I will take him up on that advice and see if I can chat with him a bit tonight. Of course, he may not want to talk to me, and that is a possibility I will have to be ready for too.

Let's see, what else is happening. Not much of anything really. It seems I have succeeded in distancing myself from just about eveyone I used to associate with in the program. I haven't gotten an email (personal) or call from anyone for some time. I did get a message from Lisa Davis last weekend mentioning something about wanting to invite the kids and me to a party she is having, but I didn' return her call. I guess it seems a little hypocritical to me - she hasn't invited any of us to anything in a very long time, and I really don't want her to do it out of sympathy either, which I think is/ would be the case.

I was going to write a question, as to whether or not I am ok with my new, non-socializing place of being, BUT, I am not really in a place like that - I am just not socializing with the people I used to. I am going to new meetings - I found a good Al Anon at a place really close to where we live, and an AA meeting that I like on Friday night that is also close. I am hoping to find an early week meeting, to fill in the gap between Friday and the next Thursday, but haven't found one I really like yet. I will keep looking though. I am looking forward to the meeting tonight (it is a Big Book meeting too, which is always good), especially considering the fact that I missed my Al Anon meeting because I thought it started at 7pm, when in reality it started at 6 - I got there just as it was ending - d'oh!

Work is going really well, and they are keeping me very busy, which we know is a great thing for me. I am also enjoying the friendships I have built here, particularly with Jamie and Dave. We have become pretty good buds, and I have a lot of fun with them. I have shared a lot about my life with them as they have with me, and it is great to have someone to talk to at work. I think I might actually make it to my 2 year anniverary here, which would be quite an accomplishment for me!

As far as my personal life, it is still pretty blah. I have been spending more time with mom lately, and I guess that is not a bad thing. We are going to spend the day together tomorrow and take the light rail down to the science museum. It should be fun. I have no desire to date, or even try to now, and have completely given up on even the thought of being with anyone right now. I am working on not letting it get me down, and just accepting it as it is. It is a little hard for me, but I think I am getting better. I think what really gets me is the fact that all of my ex's are in happy relationships now - Sam is still with Kenny (of course I wouldn't want her back anyway, but that's not the point), Marci is married to Burton, and Tina is planning on getting married to her boyfriend Andrew.

So everyone else has someone new in their lives - everyone but me. And I am trying to avoid the whole "pity party" aspect of that fact, and just accept it. I used to tell myself, "well, God has someone really special for me, and that's why I have to wait." But that may not be the truth, and there is no use in deluding myself by telling myself that, beause what if it never happens? What if I end up like my Uncle Davey, or my mom? I don't want to blame some higher power/God for that, and destroy any faith or hope I might have. And it is not healthy for me to blame myself and think that I am a loser either. So I will take a really old school view of it, and just consider that the fates don't have it in the cards for me right now, and may never have it.

I finished "Learned Optimism" (it was pretty good) and now am continuing on with "Food for the Heart," another Buddhist work. Realizing that most everything here is samsara helps quite a bit; knowing that suffering is part of life, and indeed is natural is very freeing. It lets me know that I am still alive - like it or not!

Life on the island

I went Jamie's party on Saturday night, and it was pretty fun. I did feel a little isolated though, as I was one of the few adults (that I knew of) not drinking, and I didn't know all that many people there, outside of work people of course. Mac and DV were there, but they both had ladies with them, so they were kinda' doin' the 'hang together' thang. There weren't really any single women there at all, so I felt a little out of place. But I hung out for about 2 and a half hours, which I thought was pretty good. I brought beer brats and mashed potatoes. I grilled the brats and everyone really seemed to enjoy them, so that was nice.

I am finding more and more lately that I think of myself as extremely isolated, and unable to really relate with anyone. I know in AA they always say "none of us are truly unique," and I believe that as far as the disease goes, that is true. When it comes to life circumstances however, I do think that all of us have very different challenges facing us. And mine, being a single dad, being a single man at almost 40 years old, and being a recovering alcoholic addict who doesn't drink seem to provide a set of circumstances that cause me to think that no one really wants to be around or get to know me. And to be completely honest, maybe it is entirely the other way around - I don't want to be around anyone else and have no desire to get to know them. I am perfectly willing to admit that it is all on me, that I am not really so different, and it is just my own thoughts that create the feelings of isolation and abandonement.

I talked to Sharon a little bit this weekend and explained how I've been feeling/what I've been thinking. [I have to remember the new things I am learning - it is my thoughts that create feelings; it is a real challenge for me to get that through my head, as there are so many things that seem to create an instantaneous emotional response in me]. Interestingly enough, she seemed to share a lot of the same ideas and beliefs. She said she too is not as personable and friendly as she used to be, and that she is finding that there really are very few people she can really open up to who seem to care. I guess the stories I told myself after hearing that (I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I respect Sharon) caused me to feel some relief. But also some grief as well, as I thought that perhaps it is a sign of a greater change in our realm, or maybe in sensitive people like us. In any case, it truly seems that some of the fun/joy/laughter in life is dimming - for some of us at least.

So here I am on my little "island of Kevin," not happy, not miserable just - just here. And I am not sure if there really needs to be anything else at this point. I feel somewhat broken, and maybe that's what it takes to get completely fixed - to be completely broken first. I am just living day by day, doing my job at work, and trying to maintain. Today, that's my victory, my superbowl, my gold medal - I'm still here, and I'm still sober. Yay.

Relief and reality

I was surprised to get a reply from Tina so quickly yesterday. Turns out, she had been having the same anxious feelings, and she too thought it was a good idea to address it. She offered what I believe to be an actual, sincere apology for lashing out the way she did when we broke up, and it was very comforting to me to read it. She stated that she thought we could still be friends, that she didn't think I would ever want that again. She went on to ask what was going on in my life, so I sent her a long email back, describing the depression I have been feeling, and all of the tough events of the last 4 months or so - Danielle passing away, Irene getting cancer, Charlie being put down, my struggles with Galen - everything. I ended my email by asking how she was - if she was still working at Fennimore Craig, if she was still with Andrew, how Meghan was doing.

She wrote me a nice email in reply, and stated that she is still with Andrew, and in fact they are living together and planning to get married in a couple of weeks. She went on to say that she had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago, and that she was actually hospitalized for about a week. I guess I am still a little shocked that she could have moved on so quickly, and it did hit me a little weird. But I think the blow was softened a little bit when she also informed me that Meghan is still not completely potty trained. That was always something that drove me insane, and just thinking about it made me glad that we had split it off.

So, all in all, I think it worked out well. Knowing that she is still with Andrew, and that she has actually miscarried a child from him will help to completely, and finally, let go all the way. I must admit that I still had a tiny glint of hope that I might be able to at least bed her one more time. But now, thankfully, that door has been closed. We were able to be civil to one another, and so now I won't be so anxious about possibly seeing her somewhere while out and about. I am confident after our correspondence that we could actually be nice to each other, and that is a calming feeling.

While checking email last night, Sharon caught me for an IM session, and it was good to chat with her. She said maybe we could get together and talk sometime this weekend. She is married, but we have maintained a prett good friendship. I always liked her a lot, just never in a romantic way. I do sometimes miss going to movies and hanging out like we used to do, so it will be nice to spend some time with her again. Then, Saturday night is Jamie's big Halloween party. I have some reservations about going, as I know a lot of people there will be drinking, some to excess I am sure. But I like Jamie - we have become pretty good buds - and I don't want to miss it. I am not sure what I am going to dress up as yet, guess I better figure it out soon.

So, all in all, things are going pretty well. I am still a little down, but I am learning to 'dispute' my negative thoughts about myself and to do my emotional ABC's on a regular basis to help recognize those thoughts. I think it is starting to have an effect, and I am happy think I may yet have hope of getting over my negative self thinking. Also, I went to a different Al Anon meeting last night that just happens to be right down the road from where we live, at the Creative Living Fellowship. It was a good meeting too. If I actually cared anymore, I would probably be stoked that there were a number of good looking women there too. But I truly don't care anymore, and I have to admit, it's nice being in that place. Just like in my last post, I will end with my new catchphrase - whatever works.

Finally caved

Well, just about 5 minutes ago, I finally caved and sent Tina an email. I'm not sure exaclty why I did it. Perhaps it was a mix of watching an extremely nostalgic movie last night ("Adventureland") coupled with eating lunch with DV today and him asking if I had ever emailed her since we broke up. I am telling myself that there are no hidden motives, that I have no intention of getting back with her, and that it was not done in hopes of getting her into bed. But I can't be entirely sure that is all 100% true - I am a man, have hormones, and am hungrier than ever for some good sex. And for all of the other troubles and issues we had in that relationship, the sex was not one of them.

But, in defense of myself, I will say that I have been suffering from a certain amount of anxiety anytime I am somewhere where I think I might see her, and I would like to get to a point where if that were to happen, we could both feel comfortable - or at least not be fearful or anxious about it, like I have been. The last communication we had through emails was not very nice, and somewhat harsh. We were together for 2 and a half years, and I would like to think that something of that time survived intact.

I do need to be careful though, as I know I am treading into dangerous territory. I honestly do not want a relationship with her again, and I need to make sure that I stay strong, and under no circumstances give her any kind of hope that we might get back together (if she would even want that) just to get some sex again. The last time we patched things up, I think I did it primarily for that reason, and things didn't turn out so good. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news, Galen is still at his mom's, and it is looking like he might be there through the holidays. If I have my way, he will be. I really need a break from him, and I really need him to see that there are consequences for his actions, and that I mean what I say. So far, it seems like he is liking it pretty well over there. Of course, I wouldn't know because I have not talked to him and don't plan to. I will say that it has been much more relaxing at home without him there. I think I could get really used to him not being there.

I am getting a nice break this weekend, actually starting today, as Lora is taking the kids both up to the cabin for the weekend. I think it will be relaxing and am looking forward to it. Jamie G from here at work is having a Halloween party that I am planning on attending and that should be fun - even though my anti-social side it trying to convince me not to go. I do want to though, as I really like Jamie, and Mac and Dave - both of whom I enjoy hanging out with - will be there. Tonight, I am planning on hitting an Al Anon meeting that is just down the road from where we live, at the Creative Liing Fellowship. I have never been there before, so it will be interesting.

All in all, I think I am doing better. I still have some pretty serious pangs of depression, and have called Heidi, my nurse practitioner, to do a med check, as Diana said it seems as though my meds are not taking that depressive edge off like they should. On top of that, I am doing some serious 'homework' on the ABC's of emotion, and reading a book she sent home with me called "Learned Optimism." So, it's not like I am just wallowing in it - at least not totally. I am doing it just like the program - one day at a time - sometimes, one moment. Whatever works...

Balance out the fuckin' window, and Galen out the fuckin' door

Wow, what a difference a week and a half can bring. I started a bit of an upswing - a very small, tiny one - but now I am once again feeling like crap. Where to begin. Well, yesterday, I was scheduled to have a conference with Galen's teachers, and I thought that since he had been doing better, and because I didn't want to leave work early yet again, I would just 'call in.' I called and got in touch with one of his teachers, but she thought it was imporant that I come in and talk to them because they had a "behavioral contract" for Galen that they needed me to sign. So I did just that. And so began an awful night.

Two of the three teachers proceeded to tell me that he was STILL not turning assignments in, that he was talking and disrupting class, that he was still not following all of the rules, etc. Needless to say, I got EXTREMELY upset. On top of that, he was supposed to be there too, but he wasn't. He claimed that he figured I would stop by home and pick him up to take him BACK to school - logical, right? Right! When I got home, I really let into him. He pulled the same shit he always has, making excuses, blaming the teachers, etc - but this time he added a few "new" things. When I told him he was grounded again, he told me that if his girlfriend broke up with him because he couldn't talk on the phone, that he would intentionally fail the 8th grade repeatedly, until they had to basically kick him out because he was too old (he went so far to name some law about it, as if he had already looked into it). Then, when I told him that we might send him to boarding school, he told me that he would go live with Sam and Kenny before we could do that. Oh - and that's a part of the story that needs further light shed on it -

See, Sam sober now, because they (she and Kenny) are supposedly trying to get the 4 kids they lost back (and probably keep the new baby). Also, she is going to school to be a crime scene investigator. The kids spent the weekend with Lora, and apparently spent some good time with Sam as well. And for that, I truly am grateful. I have been praying that she would get sober and take some interest in the kids for a long time. But now, I get to experience the "return of the hero" syndrome again, where the kids think mom is just awesome, and so nice, and working so hard, yadda yadda yadda - and me? I'm the asshole, the disciplinarian, the ball buster. I bust my ass for the last 6 years, sacrificing everything for those kids, while she fucks off and gets high. Now, she gets to waltze in and be 'the chosen one.' I don't like it too much. But I digress - back to the story -

So he threatened to go live with them, and I got even more pissed. But then, he said the thing that sent me over the top. He told me that he wasn't going to see or spend time with the family anymore because every time he did, he lost time that he could have spent with his girlfriend. And it has worked out just so that the times he hasn't been with family (my mom, Grammi, Uncle Marshal) he has been grounded. So it only made sense to make the connection that it was the family's fault that he didn't get to see his girlfriend.

Well, I had heard enough threats and decided to take him up on them. So, I got in the hall closet, grabbged his suitcase, and started packing it for him, told him I was taking his ass over to his mom's right then and there, and that he could live with them. And I did just that - drove his butt right to her front doorstep and told him to get out. She was standing out front, but I didn't even talk to her - I just had him close the door and drove off. I picked up a new deadbolt on the way home and istalled it so he will no longer be able to get in the house. He is out of our life for awhile - til after Christmas I have decided. He doesn't want to be around the family, so I am going to take him up on it all the way.

And he is not getting anything back, except for clothes. No iPod, no bike, no skateboards, nothing. I am done with him. It is hard to believe that after all I have done for him, he could be so cold, cruel, uncaring, and disrespectful. But he is, and I will not have it. I am not sure what my counsellor Diana is going to say about it, but I am standing my ground. Sam hasn't done a fucking thing for those kids for the last 6 years. So if she really is sober, she can take a turn. She's only got the 1 baby now thanks to CPS, so she can handle it for awhile. She's going to have to - I told her straight up last night that if he can't stay with her, he will need to find someplace else to go. And I mean. No one, NO ONE, threatens me. I am, or used to be, a very nice, patient, easy going person. But even then, I didn't let anyone get away with that bullshit. I think I am losing that part of myself now though - I am coming to learn that being nice just doesn't pay : it doesn't pay in the dating world, in the corporate world, and apparently not even in the family world. So the "nice guy" may be gone forever. Welcome to the new, harder me - hope everyone likes it - it's what they wanted. Well, now they're going to get it.

Finding Balance

I went and saw Diana yesterday and it was a really good session. She sent me away with some "homework," as well as a book to read - I think it's called "Learned Optimism," and I started reading it last night. At first I thought it was a little out of place because I never considered myself to be a pessimist. But I started reading it and I could totally related to what was being said. And as I thought about it more, I realized that my mom has always been the perfect pessimist, always expecting the worst to happen. In fact, her favorite saying os something like "expect the worst, so that way, if something goes wrong, you'll be ready for it," or something like that. And given the amount of worrying she has done, it fits perfectly with a pessimistic outlook.

And so I am accepting the fact that I have become a very pessimistic person. And not just about situations, but about people and their motivations as well; especially about people and their motivations. In fact, I think that had a lot to do with my feelings of anger and abandonment that I got regardin the meetings. I took everyone at their worst, and assumed that none of them cared about me - a very pessimistic outlook on their characters. And I know I have done the same in romantic relationships. In fact, I think it pervades my entire life.

So I am hopeful about starting this new book - hopeful that I might be able to learn to be optimistic, and get over the pessimism that is holding me back from happiness. The first part I read last night makes some statements regarding the relationship between pessimism and depression, and it seems fairly clear that there is a very strong link between the two. I could very much relate to a couple of the short examples given, and I am actually in a better mood today than I have been in in some time.

I just checked my checking account and came to the realization that I am either going to have to take a cash advance from one of my credit cards or do something else to make it to next payday. I swear, it doesn't seem like I spend that much money, but I must in places I don't think about. I know that I am spending $200 a month for Tessi's daycare that I wasn't spending for a few months, but that doesn't seem like enough to account for the tightness I have been experiencing for the last several months. Oh well - I am grateful to just have a job at this point, and one that I like quite a bit.

All in all, things are getting better. And I think I am going to take Diana's advice, and instead of "giving up entirely" on ever being happy, I am going to seek true calmness of mind - stability; not to be numb or dead emotionally, but more accepting of myself and whatever may come in life. I am willing to give up the high high's of exuberant joy if it means that I will be free of the low lows that I experience. Balance - it's all about balance. I am hoping to find and remain in it.

Oil and water

I just got off the phone with Mom, and it was pretty obvious that she had been crying and was upset. I knew it was going to be tough on her losing Charlie. Unfortunately, because of the way she is and the obstacles that are already present in our relationship, it is difficult to offer any real consolation or comfort to her when she is like this because she gets so defensive and abrupt. She had asked me earlier this week if I would like to go out and see Kristy (Kane) 's new baby, and I said I thought that would be a good idea. Well, when Kristy didn't answer the phone last night, or call Mom back immediately, she immediately thought that meant that Kristy didn't want us to come out, so she called Marshal and started making plans for me and Galen to go out and see him - catch that? Plans for ME AND GALEN.

So when I talked to her just now, she wanted to know if I thought if it was a good idea for Galen and I to spend some time together doing 'guy stuff'' with Marshal. I told her that if Kristy didn't call back, that yes, I thought it might be a good idea and that I would think about it. She seemed to think that I was flat out rejecting the idea, and started getting defensive, explaining how she just thought it might be good for Galen and I to spend some time together, and I explained that I agreed, and that I would consider that, IF we ended up not going to Kristy's. But, as so often happens with Mom, and gets even worse when she is upset, it was like we were speaking different languages, and all she heard was "I don't want to do that - it's not a good idea." So she started to get more defensive, subtly stating that she should just 'keep her nose out of stuff.' Ugh. I get SOOOO tired of going through this with her.

So I told her, again, that YES, I thought that would be a good idea, IF Kristy indeed did not really want us to come out. But that I thought it would be rude and inconsiderate of me NOT to go see Kristy and the baby if she DID want us to come out. If she DIDN'T, then I thought it MIGHT be a good idea to do something with Galen and Marshal, but that I COULD NOT commit to that until I knew FOR SURE what was going on with Kristy. Well, I think she finally got it, because she repeated exaclty that to me, and then proceeded to pretty much click me off. Yeah. Fun stuff.

And now I am wondering how in the hell this is going to work, with both of us begin depressed at the same time. In the past when this has happened, things don't go well at all. She, and proably I too, gets very defensive, and takes everything as an indictment of her. When I am down myself, I usually lose all sense of caring, and say something to the effect of "whatever," which just serves to piss her off even more. And so the cycle of fun begins.

Fortunately, I have an appt. with my counsellor today, because I am not really sure how I am going to handle all this. I am really not in the mood, or emotional shape, to deal with her right now. It seems that so much of my time in therapy or counselling has been spent on how to get along with her, get over her emotional abuse, get beyond her stinging remarks and controlling manipulation - I am just tired of her hijacking every attempt to get mentally healthy that I have ever made.

I think her condition only increases my level of hopelessness. I am beginning to see clearly that she really will never change. She may go through brief periods of 'sanity,' but they will always be followed by relapses into her old ways - sometimes brought on my major events such as putting Charlie down, and sometimes by unforeseen or unknowable events that only she knows. In any case, it sure makes it hard to maintain any real happiness - at least for me. Perhaps I will find a way yet, but for today, the outlook is cloudy.

More sad news - Rest in Peace Charlie Brown

I went over and saw Mom last night, as she had told me that she has come to the decision to put Charlie Brown down. He has had blood in his urine for a while now, and Mom had taken him into the vet to find out what was wrong. They seem to think that he might have some kind of tumor, and it is causing him to be unable to pee. From what mom said, he hasn't had a good urinary movement in some time now. So, rather than let him suffer with the pain of having the urine back up into his kidneys and poison his whole system, Mom had decided to put him down. She asked if I would come over and see him last night to see what I thought, and to say goodbye.

I could tell by looking at him that he wasn't feeling well at all. He just wasn't himself. I sat down on the floor, and typically whenever I do that, he is right there, hamming it up and laying in my lap so he can get a full-on belly rubber. But instead, he sat in front of me, looking uncomfortable, as if there was no position that would offer relief. I sat on the couch with him for awhile, and tried to get him to give me kisses, but he would not; it was as if he was saying goodbye, and didn't want to make it any harder. He has never, ever gone without giving me kisses - but he did last night. We took some pictures for posterity, and Mom said that she would probably take him in today to have him put down.

I know it is going to be devastating to Mom. She and Charlie have been best buds since we moved out in 2006, and she really loved that little dog. And to be honest, who didn't? He truly was the best behaved, best mannered, most loving and loveable dog I have ever know - a true one of a kind. I am not sure how Mom is going to cope - this has been such a hard year for her. First, a good friend's daugther is killed in a car accident. Then, her aunt comes down with cancer. Now, her best friend is going to go away. And this is all on top of Dad, Karen, Sharon (mom's friend), and Desi dying in the last 3 years.

I am sad too, but not as much as Mom is. I think I have really taken my new philosophy to heart, and perhaps I will come off as being a cold person. But I need to do what I need to do to survive, and not go insane or kill myself. And so it seems that this is the lesser of 2 evils for me. I am becoming that which I always detested - again. It seems that this is not the first time that I have written these words.

I will truly miss my little Boo Boo, and I know that this world is losing a little bit more of what made it bearable today - at least for me, and I suspect, my Mom. We must go on, but we will never forget you Charlie Brown. Thanks for sharing yourself with us - may we meet again someday...

Happiness sucks

I think I may have finally figured out the key to avoiding these deep depressions - it is to never be happy in the first place. I mean, if one is never happy, then when something bad happens, or a tragedy strikes, or a big letdown happens, it's not some big swing from one emotion to the other, right? The person is already unhappy, so perhaps there is an increase in the unhappiness, but there is not that feeling of loss, or regret - that the person had something, and lost it, or it was taken away. The happiness was never there to begin with, so all that has happened is the increase of something they already have.

This probably sounds very nihilistic, and to be honest, I guess it is somewhat. But I am seriously considering this philosophy as a way out of my deep, deep depressions. I don't want to keep coming back to feeling this way. I have been severely depressed for going on 5 days now, and I fear that the horrible cycle will never end - unless I do something to end it. And while checking out permanently has looked very appealing for the last week, I am looking into different options. One of those was to undergo a symbolic death, and I have already put that plan into motion. I am basically going to be dead to anyone and everyone I have met in the program for the last 6 years, and I am going to quit going to all the meetings I was going to. I also quit the bowling league I was on. So basically, outside of work and family, I will be dead to everyone else.

And this second part is the death of my hope for happiness. I am going to give up hope that I will ever find any kind of happiness, and even give up the concept itself. I think all it has done is delude me into thinking that someday, something would happen, and I would be truly happy - I would find a good woman, my mom would get some real help, my kids would be happy and successful - but none of those things may ever happen. And Lord knows I will probably never be happy with who I am. So how about instead of trying to be happy, I just give up altogether? I mean, what do I have to lose anyway? I have no real friends. I have no girlfriend or partner. My kids are stuck with me no matter how I am, and if I am never happy to begin with, maybe I won't get so angry when they make me (more) unhappy. And I can fake it well enough at work. Fortunately, I work in a career where I can spend 7 out of 8 hours staring at a computer screen and don't have to interact with people anyway.

So there it is - the "Philosophy of Kevin : Happiness is unattainable, and seeking it only causes misery. Therefore, the seeking of happiness is to be avoided, as is the belief that it is real at all." Just another bullshit fairytale - that's all it is, and all it will ever be.

Suffering

I took the day off yesterday (PTO) and finished wrapping up all the treasury duties, made a final deposit, and dropped the box of stuff off at Crossroads. I closed the book on that chapter of my life completely. I got several emails from homegroup members asking about how I was doing, and to most I replied kindly that I was just tired of feeling alone in a room of people. To a few others (well, really just one I guess - Stephanie) I sent a somewhat coarser reply, stating that I found it hard to believe that she cared about me as a person when it seemed as though she had never really even acknowledged my existence. She pointed out that we had had "several chats, in and out of the rooms," which I dispute, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway - I am done with that group and everyone in it for awhile, maybe forever.

So today I come into work, and there are messages on my phone and in my inbox about the app I built (modified) for the Better Together campaign. Supposedly, several people were trying to enter donations yesterday, and it wasn't working, costing potentially several donations, as people were trying and trying, couldn't get it to work, got frustrated, and just gave up. Now I couldn't help but be upset about this, and I automatically went into anger, thinking "Yeah, right - now I will get shit on for this fucking app after getting it to PROD in 1 month instead of the 3 it should have taken." I tested it out, and wasn't able to reproduce the error, and so I felt like I was pretty much flat out fucked. I talked to the lady running the campaign, Camille, and I am sure she could hear the despondence in my voice. I talked it over with her, and then with Al, and we all seemed to agree that it was probably a user education issue. So the decision was made to make the error messages more visible - easy enough - and add some verbiage instructing the user about entering something in each of the fields.

That was all before lunch. So then, we are walking over the cafeteria, and as we approach the doors to the east lobby, lo and behold - who do I see sitting there on the waiting bench? Good ol' Sam herself, with her newest baby in a carrier beside her. She was busy talking on her phone and I am pretty sure she didn't see me, but my heart sunk, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to badly to go over to her and say, "So, another one hunh? Are you ever going to pay attention to the first 2? They could really use some kind of mother in their life." But I thought it through, and decided that it wasn't the time, or place, to do it. I was pretty damn embarassed actually, and I sure didn't want anyone from Banner to see her and find out she was my ex. I also didn't want to risk getting in some kind of confrontation or yelling match with her, only to have my director or someone else from Banner see it all. So I just kept walking.

It was pretty hard to eat lunch and to have any kind of conversation with anyone. In fact, I left the cafeteria early, thinking I might see her again on the way out. But I definitely did not want her to see me. Well, as I walked out the door, I turned to look at the bench, and to my relief, she was gone. When I got back to my desk, I had an email that Jennifer (my bosses boss) had forwarded to the whole team, from Camille, gushing about what a great asset I have been to the project and what-not. It was a very complimentary - almost too complimentary - email, and I send Camille an email thanking her and joking that it would be hard for me to live up to that now.

And one might think that I would feel much better now. But I don't. I am just as depressed as ever. I did get about a 2 minute feeling of satisfaction from the email, but that was about it. I instantly went to thinking that Jennifer will never actually say anything to me, and it will just slowly fade away like all things do; a nice gesture by Camille for sure, but I fear more of a "throw the dog a bone" than genuine appreciation of efforts. It was only after I got a little upset and despondent that she sent it. Of course, this is all being colored by my shit colored glasses right now, so I'm sure my perception of it all is warped.

I think this is the longest I have ever gone being this depressed, and definitely have come closer than I ever have before to killing myself. Perhaps this is all "prep work" for that glorious day when I'm gone, and don't have to be here anymore : cutting off all contacts, walking away from all the AA/CA/whatever A groups, not answering my phone, withdrawing into myself. I think the thing is I just don't WANT to be happy anymore. It never works anyway. I know from experience that having a woman doesn't help, and I don't give a shit if I have one now or not. I know that my children don't make me happy. I expect way too much from them and feel that nothing I do for/with them matters anyway. Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Suffering is all there really is.

Change in scenery

The past week or 2 have been pretty rough for me, trying to deal with Galen's behavioral and educational issues. I had a meeting with his assistant principal and him yesterday, and he is going to be helping me by checking that Galen is doing his schoolwork and having Galen spend his lunch hours with him instead of hanging out with his wonderful "friends." I am very grateful that this man is offering his time and attention to help out, because honestly, I feel like I am at the end of my rope with him. It seems I have tried everything, and nothing has worked. I am ready to just throw in the towel and sneak away to Mexico in the middle of the night or something.

At times like this in the past, I have sought refuge in the program, in the meetings of AA or CA, especially the ones I frequent. But over the last few weeks, I have grown disillusioned and dissatisifed with those meetings and the people in them. I went to the Friday night meeting last week, and was attempting to share, but it seemed that almost everyone was completely ignoring me. As has happened so often in the past, Kurt found it more important to visit with Jim about something, and that of course distracted a number of the other people. I paused, to give them time to finish, and as if to say, "Ok, I am going to share now." But Jim, Kurt, and a couple of others didn't really seem to care, and kept ignoring me. So, I simply passed, thinking that I really didn't need to share with all of them anyway, as I had already seen Diana on Wednesday that week and shared with her. Perhaps they are tired of hearing my talk about my problems with my kids, and they are justified in their actions. But the disrespect - and even more so, apparent lack of caring or compassion - really stung, and I don't think I will be going back to that meeting for some time, if ever.

Yesterday, after meeting with Mr. Nievez (the asst. principal) I was very upset; upset that it had come to this, and upset to think that nothing I did seemed to work, and that it seemed like Galen didn't care about me one lick. So when I got home, I was on a short fuse, and all it took was me lecturing Tessi about the cat litter and feeding, and her being a smarty pants and replying "Ok, ok, ok" to everything I said to set me off. I stormed out at about 5pm and thought I would go to my homegroup meeting at Crossroads (not the actual monthly meeting, just the regular Tuesday night meeting) and that I would probably see my sponsor there, and I could talk to him about how I was feeling. But when I got there, and shared with him a little bit, it was as if either he didn't care, he didn't know what to say, or he couldn't see how upset I really was. I ended up leaving shortly after the meeting began, as I was having a VERY strong urge to cut myself - to just lay my throat open and end it all. And it was much stronger that it has ever been before - I would call it more of a compulsion.

And it wasn't so much a "Bleh heh! I'll show you!" It was just a very real compulsion to commit the physical act, to put the knife to the skin, to feel the cut, to see the blood go out, to experience the loss of consciousness, and then death. I went to a parking lot, and considered calling a suicide hotline. I considered just heading north in my truck and never coming back. I considered driving 80 miles an hour into a telephone pole with no seatbelt. But more that all that, I was just craving the feeling of that knife on my skin. So I did the only other thing I knew to do, and I called my therapist, Diana, and left a message telling her what was going on. God bless her, she called me back shortly after and said I could go in to see her at 8:30. In the time between (about 2 hours) I basically drove from parking lot to parking lot fighting the urge to slit my throat.

I had the appt. with, and even though I initially didn't want to do EMDR, that's what we did for the entire time, albeit in a different manner, one in which I was able to speak the whole time. And I think it did help. I felt more calm after I left, and somewhat more hopeful. But I was still rather despondent, and after getting home and telling the kids that they were driving me to the looney bin, I went to bed - but still, the urge to cut was there, and as strong as ever. And so, I did something I have never done before : I got my knife out, and made several cuts across my left leg. At first, I made about 8 cuts, none of them too deep, but enough to draw a tiny amount of blood. But that was not satisfying, so I made a few more that were a little deeper, and actually tried to make one that was very deep, cutting across a cut that I had already made. It still didn't go as deep as I wanted, and didn't bleed all that much, but it seemed to finally relieve the compulsion, and I was able to go to sleep.

Today, I am still not in the best of moods, but I am here at work, and I really like my job. I think I am needed, wanted, and appreciated here, and for me, that is very important. I think that I am good at what I do and successful, which is more than I can say for any other area of my life, including parenting, romantic or other relationships, bowling, anything really. And so I am thankful to have this job. It, along with my therapist (thank GOD for her) have become my refuge. The program, I think I am going to walk away from it for awhile - at least as I have been experiencing it. Perhaps I will do some Al Anon, or maybe CMA meetings, but I am done with the meetings I have been doing for awhile. They just aren't working for me, and I don't want what the people in those meetings have, at least not most of them.

As far as the cutting goes - well, I'm not sure what to think about it. I know that it relieved my compulsion to do something worse, so perhaps that is a good thing. Will I do it again? Who knows. I know some mystics and ascetics practice mortification of the flesh, and perhaps this is my own incarnation of that practice. I don't really know. It is interesting though, as is life itself. I just keep pluggin' away, doing whatever it takes to stay sober and alive. And if that means cutting myself up a little bit, then so be it. Whatever works.

Not gonna' go there this time

Well, just when I thought I had gotten into a place of real acceptance about being single and was feeling pretty good about it, something comes out of the blue to change that. Maybe. Anyway, when I was going to DeVry, I got to know the lady who was the Student Services coordinator pretty well. Her name was Stephanie, and she was a very pretty, petite, polite woman that I quickly developed a strong attraction to. Of course she was married, and so I did my best to be respectful of that. Although we did go out to lunch one day at David Kwan's Chinese Buffet, and I proceeded to reveal the fact that I felt that I was falling in love with her. She took it like a real trooper, and even though things were a little awkward between us after that, they weren't as bad as I might have thought they would be.

Fast forward to yesterday. I found Steph's profile on FB a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was curious that she listed her relationship status as "in a relationship" instead of married. I investigated a little more, and noticed that there was no male figure in any of the pictures on her profile - just her, and pics of her 2 kids. Of course my mind starting humming, thinking maybe she had gotten divorced - boo yahhh! So I sent her off what I am sure was a very thinly veiled excuse to find out. Last night I got a message back from her to find out that indeed, she is divorced, but that she ids dating someone. Shit - missed again. That's what I'm thinking.

But, never one to just give up, I sent her a message back stating that if things didn't work out with her current relationship, I would love the opportunity to take her out to dinner. Now I am sure that, first of all, she probably thinks I am some desperate, lovelorn kook (which isn't really too far from the truth I guess!) and wouldn't go on a date with me even if she was single. Secondly, she is probably dating some guy who has a lot more to offer - with less "accessories" - than I do, and there is no way she would give that up for me, or someone like me. And lastly, she probably didn't find me attractive in that way, and doesn't now. So even if the 'stars were all aligned properly', i.e. I had no kids, I was well off, I was a more confident, secure person - she still wouldn't date me. Wow - there's a breath of sunshine up your ass, hunh?!?!?

So what does this all mean? Well, I could get all derailed from my newfound happiness and start obsessing on this new situation, getting down on myself because once again, I have/will "lose out"; once again, the possibility that the Cinderella story, the Lady and the Tramp, the Sleepless in Seattle story will remain just a fading dream, and I will remain single for some unspecified length of time, while the guy that Stephanie is dating enjoys the presence of the woman that should be mine. Geez, I am even making my own stomach turn with all that crizzapp!

OR, I could remind myself of the Buddhist teachings I have beens studying over the last few years, and remind myself that attachment to my desires is suffering. The amount that I suffer over this is ultimately up to me, and how important it is for me to retain my attachment to that "Sleepless in Seattle" dream. How is that dream benefitting me today? Is it worth retaining my attachment to it? For so many years, that dream was my "ace in the hole," my saving grace, my only hope of happiness in this life.

But I have grown as a person since then, and as I have studied the dharma more and more, I have come to realize that my salvation is right here, in this moment, and independent of anyone else. There is suffering, and attachment to my desires is the cause of that suffering. There is also cessation of suffering, and in knowing that, I can decide to let go of those attachments, and with them, the suffering too. And so that is what I am working on today. Because I have decided that I would rather be free of the suffering, and the causes of suffering, than experience some temporary bliss that will be unreal and impermanent anyway. I think I really am becoming a true student of the dharma, and I am so grateful for that. It is offering me a chance to see that the suffering is real - but that there is a path that leads to cessation of suffering. And that is my new dream - to walk that path and find the true freedom my spirit craves.

What a difference a day makes

Wow, it is so funny how the slightest mistake in perception can TOTALLY change the meaning of an event, and hence all the feelings about that event. I had written yesterday about how Randall had "made fun" of me after bowling Sunday night, sending me into a spiral of anger and resentment. So I sent Randall an email yesterday stating that I would not be at bowling this next week and that I would not be returning next season. I was basically writing off not only bowling, but the Friday night meeting as well. My anger had snowballed, and was consuming every "Randall related" thing in its path.

After I sent the email, I got a text from Randall saying "can we please talk after you get off work?" I replied that yes, we could, at about 5pm. So he calls at 5, and at first, I don't even want to answer, because by this time I have come home and one of the kids has made some new demand of me, sending me over the edge, and I am SUPER pissed. Well, mom called, and we talked for a bit, and I settled down. So I actually did the right thing - the thing I would NEVER have done before I got some recovery - and I called Randall - to find out that the WHOLE even was a total misunderstanding, and that I had taken what he did as directed towards ME when it wasn't at all. Turns out he was referring to Keith and Jim's team, as they were complaining about the way handicap was done, and it JUST HAPPENED to come out of his mouth (the whole 'Waaaahhhh' thing) at the same exact time that I had just finished telling Sally how I had been trying to improve my game for the last 6 years, and couldn't. In fact, Randall was in total shick that I was so mad, because he didn't make the connection I had made, and so had no idea why I was even mad. Wow - timing really is everything.

So, after a nice talk with him, I decided that the real issue was not him, or even the fact that my bowling scores had dropped off a cliff. What was really happening was that the kids were arguing and fighting before bowling had even started, with Galen making fun of Tessi, and Tessi bawling about it, and I was upset from the get-go. I have decided that instead of quitting bowling, which I really do enjoy when I can keep my ego out of it, I am going to stop taking either one of them. That is my time, for me to do something fun for ME. And inevitably, if one or both of them come, it ends up not being fun or relaxing for me at all. Hence the stress, and probably the lower scores too. I will be curious to see how I do once they stop coming.

The best part of all this is that I overcame some past behavioral patterns, and instead of just isolating, ignoring Randall's calls, and allowing the anger to build even more, I did the right thing : I confronted the issue (or delusion, as it turned out) head on, and called Randall to talk about it. I was able to "make amends quickly" just like the 10th step says, and to preserver both a friendship, as well as what has become a way of life, or at least enjoyable tradition, for myself. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It is so cool to actually see the principles working in my life. Now today, my DBA (Steph) is all pissy for some reason - another opportunity for learning I guess. Progress, not perfection, right?!?!?

Bowling bummage

Well, last night was probably the worst night of bowling I have had all season, which in itself would have been just about enough to lead to a decision to not bowl again next season. But when Randall decided to basically "tease" me as I was leaving by going "Waaahhhhh", that sealed the deal.

You know, I am not sure if has anything to do with him at all really, or if it is just me, but I find it incredibly frustrating - not fun like it's supposed to be. I started off the season like a man on fire, rolling 200's left and right, and even scoring a 691 scratch series. But like always happens (for some weird, unknown reason) the rest of the season has been a not-so-slow descent into the land of bowling 120's and 130's. I am not sure what the hell happens to me, but it really seems like I have some built-in self destruct mechanism that fires off every season in bowling, and I am just tired of fighting it. What makes it even worse is that when I try to improve my game by practicing a bit more, or even getting some coaching, I still don't do any better in league. The really ironic thing? I can bowl 200's pretty consistently practicing, but when I hit league - pppphhhhhhtttttt!!! All the air goes out of the tires, and I suck (or blow, as it may be).

Now if I bowled with someone who was generally cool about it and supportive (like my one teammate Brad) I could probably roll on through it and keep bowling, laughing all the while. But Randall has a way of being about him that seems to indicate that he has the compassion and understanding of a seedless grape. There are times when I, or someone else (like Kevin K this Friday) just needs a pat on the shoulder, and a "hey man, it's cool - don't worry about it. Everything is going to be ok." But he seems completely incapable of offering such support, and instead, gives the advice of a nazi sponsor, admonishing the person to 'quit whining', or pulling the 'wahhh hahh' thing like he did with me. When someone on your team in a team sport is down, that is the LAST thing they need.

But, I have come to accept my powerlessness in the situation, and know that I cannot change the way Randall is. And I also know that I have a part in it - my expectations of my self are too high, and I let my ego get in the way of just having fun. I see JT, and Emile, and Ken and Roger Gosney and all these guys getting better and better, and I feel like I am "less than," "no good," and "a horrible bowler," and then that is what I become. So I know I have a huge part in it as well. But at this point in my life, I just don't think I need something that is only going to cause me to think such thoughts. And especially not something that is SUPPOSED to be fun, and recreational.

So I was thinking that I would take the $50-60 a month I have been spending on bowling and get a membership at the new health club that is supposed to be opening soon on 16th st and Bethany. Why not take the time to do something that is good for me, will improve both my health and appearance, as well as my image of myself, and is non-competitive? And so that is what I am going to do. Who knows - maybe this was God's way of getting me there - and maybe I am just a poor sport looking for something where I can't lose! ha ha! Either way, it sounds like a winner to me.

The latest news in my life

Well, the bout of missing my ex g/f continues. I am sure a lot of it has to do with missing the great sex. And in fact, I miss her body more than I miss her, terrible as it is to say. I absolutely loved her breasts - it's the first time I have dated a woman who had halfway ample breasts - and I really enjoyed playing with them in every was possible. I also miss the softness of her skin. It was very creamy, and so soft to the touch. But as I think about that stuf, and apply the new (to me anyway) Buddhist concepts I am learning, I wonder how important all of that really was/is. I mean, it always seems like it is one or the other with me and the women in my life : either the are great mentally and spritually and we fit great in those respects, but there is little chemistry in the bedroom (Ty, Marci), OR just the opposite - there are some challenges on the mental/spiritual levels, but the sex is awesom (Sam, Tina). If only I could get the "combo platter" and have both the good fit and the good sex... who knows, maybe someday.

Of course now that I reread that paragraph, I realize that what I said had really nothing to do with the Buddhist concepts, other than the fact that what we think will make us happy ultimately never does - we end up wanting more, or something different, or something better. I think Marci was probably the best actual person I have ever been with, but for whatever reason, the spark just wasn't there for me in the bedroom. Then, I thought Tina was a perfect fit. But it turned out that she never really took to the kids, and they never really took to her. That, along with some parenting philosophy differences and some honesty issues on her part pretty much doomed that relationship. But, as I said, the sex was great, so I let it go on a lot longer than it probably should have because I honestly thought after getting sober that I would never have sex that good again. Arghhh!!! It sucks to be without it now.

But I am getting to a point in my life where I realize that not having that awesome spark in bed may not - in fact, is not - the most important thing. Looking back at my relationship with Marci, I see that the value of the way she was with the kids, her deep spirituality, her sense of responsibility, and many other factors were worth far more than good sex is. Why do I say that now? Because as I have gotten older, my libido has decreased a lot anyway. I don't even care to have sex that often anyway, but all of those other qualities are an every day thing. It sounds kinda' bad, but in the economics of relationships for me, it just makes sense to go for that which offers the highest spiritual return. Now, the question is, can I prevent myself from repeating past mistakes in this area? I think that, with Spirit's help, I can.

Other news - in the tradition of "If you can'tbeat 'em, join 'em" I was asked to join the board of the Flynn Lane HOA a couple of weeks ago, and last night, with no fanfare and nothing but a quick vote, I became the VP of the HOA - BOO YAHHH!!!! I didn't even plan for it to happen. I guess the VP resigned a while back, and Leona asked if I would show up at the meeting so I could be appointed. It's weird how stuff like that works sometimes. It was kinda' funny (kinda' scary actually) too, because they (we) started discussing violations people had, and a few of them had to do with doors - front doors and patio doors too - and I thought FOR SURE they were going to bring up my French doors! They even brought up someone else who had French doors, and I know my butthole puckered right then. But, they moved on, with nary a mention of my doors. Phewwww!!! And it was actually very interesting. I am looking forward to getting more involved and learning more about how it all works.

I was thinking today that maybe I am being primed for public office someday, hunh? I mean I am a treasurer for my AA homegroup, and now I am a VP on the HOA board - some good public service experience. Who knows. I am just taking it as it comes and enjoying the changes at this point. With all of the stressors I have had in my life lately, some nice welcomed distractions are great!

Truly Letting Go

This weekend, I had a bout of missing my ex-girlfriend. I even thought about driving by her place, but knew that if I saw some vehicle parked there (her new boyfriend's) I would probably be pretty upset. So I didn't do that. And I think I was surprised to realize how upset I might actually get if there was someone there. I was hoping that maybe I was over all of that, but apparently I am not.

And of course, like always happens, I remembered all the good things about our relationship, especially the great sex, which was the best part, and I started longing for her again. I started wondering if maybe she was a lot better than I thought she was and if it wasn't me who was the messed up person. I started thinking about the girlfriend I had before her, Marci, and how happy she seems to be. Perhaps it is me that is messed up, and perhaps I will never have a partner in my life that I can be happy with, and that can be happy with me. And if that is the case, then the true objective for me must be being happy with what is - to find happiness in my life just as it is, and to finally learn not to depend on "having someone" to be happy.

I found something on the web that I like a lot - a website that is all about Buddhism, and there is an awesome quote on there that has become my mantra :

"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better."

(from the website http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)

So that has become my mantra - 'attachment to my desires is suffering.' Not necessarily the desires themselves, but my attachment to them. It is not my desire to have a woman in my life that is my suffering, it is my ATTACHMENT to that desire. If I could let go of that desire, if I could free myself of that attachment, I would not suffer so. And so, I have changed my focus from trying to rid myself of that desire - which for me, has proven impossible anyway - and changed the focus instead to trying to rid myself of the attachment to that desire. It is a sublte, but life-changing switch in thinking, and I am grateful to have been brought that realization.

I am powerless

That statement immediately freed me from what was quickly becoming a cauldron of rage engulfing my entire mind. I had gotten off the phone with Galen, and suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, a thought came into my mind : "I am powerless over him and his actions. He is God's child." And in that moment, I felt a HUGE burned lifted off me and felt the rage just evaporate; I was once again at peace. Because for a moment, I thought that I was in control, that I was in charge, and that I alone was responsible for Galen and his actions. I thought that I could 'change' him, that I could 'make' him be the good student and good citizen I want him to be. But the reality - the sweet reality - is that I cannot, because I am powerless.

And so, when I got home last night, instead of yelling and screaming at him, I calmly explained the fact that he has the ability to make choices, and that our choices often times have consequences that we did not consider when we made them. I made him aware of what some of the long term consequences for him might be - like not getting a car when he turns 16, me not paying insurance on a car if he does get one, not getting his cell phone back, etc. I also told him that I am not going to "sponsor" his lifestyle, and that I will not sign any more 'Reflections' he sends home, that he will just have to serve detentions for all of them. I told him I will not give him any more money, and that his friends are not welcome at our house - I don't trust them. And I also told him that if he brings drugs into the house, or gets in other trouble, I will just call the cops on him, and have them take him to juvie as an "incorrigible." Basically, I done messing around with him, and I will not let him destroy my serenity or my life.

And, in the spirit of truly "letting go," I also told him that he is no longer grounded. He can do whatever he wants after school and on weekends, just as long as it doesn't involve his friends coming over to our place. It's more work than it's worth trying to enforce his grounding, and it doesn't change his behavior anyway, so why bother? He is basically on his own to make his own choices, and he will have to live with the consequences, whatever they are. If that means repeating 8th grade, then I guess he will have to do that. It's no skin off my hide. And while some would read this and think that I don't care, it is really just the opposite. I do care - about my sobriety and serenity above all. Because if I don't have those, I won't have my kids anyway and none of this will matter.

And so that is what I am focusing on, having faith that God is in charge of everything - even Galen - and that everything will work out as it is supposed to. I just have to keep doing the next right thing, putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that I am powerless - and in that is my ultimate freedom.

Troubled teen

This school year has started off like a nightmare, and I am wondering how in the world I am going to make it through 4 more years of this stuff. The second or 3rd week of school, I got a call from Galen's math teacher informin me that he wasn't turning any homework in, and that he was basically getting a 0 in her class. I of course talked to him about it and told him that if he didn't straighten up, there would be some repercussions. So the very next week, I got a call from his social studies teacher telling me that she had sent home some papers that she needed signed the first week of school, and she hadn't gotten them back yet. So I assured her that I would get them signed and returned, and while I had her on the phone, I thought to ask her about how he was doing in her class. It turned out that he wasn't turning in any work in her class either, and to make things worse, she didn't even give "home" work - it was assignments she gave to be completed in class.

So, right then and there, I called up Cricket and had his cell phone turned off. Then, I grounded him completely for 2 weeks, and told him that if he didn't bring his grades up, he would continue losing things - his guitar, the PS2, etc. And that seemed to work for a few days. I actually saw him doing some homework, and thought maybe he had turned things around. Until today.

I got a call at about 9:30am this morning from the assistant principal at Meadows stating that Galen was in some kind of trouble. Apparently, someone took a kid's cellphone, and then gave it to Galen to give back to the kid. So it wasn't him that took it, but he supposedly knew who did it, and the asst principal was trying to get Galen to give the cuplrit up. Needless to say, my blood pressure probably went up about 100 points. So I asked to talk to Galen. He claimed that he knew absolutely nothing about the phone, and that he didn't even know why he was in the office. So I talked to the a/p again, and asked if it was possible that the kid who ID'd Galen had lied, and he said that was possibility, but that he felt Galen knew who did it. And, because they don't want to send out the wrong message - that stealing will be tolerated - they are going to suspend Galen if he doesn't tell who did it.

Now, if Galen had not already been on my shitlist for everything else that has happened this year, I probably would take his side, no qestions asked. But it is a little hard when he has been in SO MUCH trouble.

Crazy Wandy

Well, I had an email from Marsh in my inbox at work today when I got here, asking if I had heard from mom lately. I figured it would take at least 1000 words to even begin to describe what happened on the phone the last time we talked, so I decided to just call him up and talk to him. We have both come to the conclusion that our mother is basically completely crazy, and that for some strange reason, she may never decide to get any help for herself. I told him that I basically, for the first time I can remember, told her as much.

Marshal has a lot of anger towards her - more than I thought he had. It is clear that the things she did when he was young, like going to Colorado to be with Bob Barber and leaving him in AZ with Brian Barber, did have negative emotional effects on him, as they would have on any kid. I don' think she realizes what fuck-up she was for a parent for many years. Or, if she does, she wants to wear it like a badge of honor, and lambast us all with the guilt and shame she feels for it, and she feels that, bcause her "parents were divorced when she was 16" like she has told us a million times, she is justified in doing whatever it is that she decides to do. It is just SOOOO insane - how she can jusify her shortcomings using that reasoning, and yet yell and scream at Marshal and I for what she believes is us using that same reasoning, even when we aren't.

I am not sure what to do at this point, but I did promise Marshal that I will set up a counselling appointment for us all the next time she is in town. In fact, I am going to send her an email about that right now. I have dropped the ball on that, and I don't want to let an opportunity like that pass by. I only hope that she will actually go to the darn thing when I get it set up. Lord help me! And Marshal.....

Mommie Dearest

Last night, Mom called from South Dakota, and we were talking about how things are going up there. She has been staying with Irene while she undergoes chemotherapy, and was mentioning that she was going to take some time "off" this weekend and go stay with Kathy and Clayton in Belle Fourche. I told her that I thought that was a great idea, that Kathy was such a positive person, and that I had always enjoyed her company.

Well, to my surprise, something about saying that Kathy was 'positive' set my mom off, and she embarked on a tirade. Obviously, my mentioning that about Kathy meant that I thought that she and Marshal weren't positive, and that I was not thankful for anything they had ever done for me (?) She went on to lecture me that things were different for her, because Kathy was her little sister, and it was SHE who had helped and comforted Kathy all these years - not the other way around. I tried to back away from the statement, saying that I was only trying to relate to her, and that I thought it would be good for her to stay with Kathy for a few days to get some inspiration and comfort, but she was not having it. I had insulted her and everything she stood for, and she was going to let me know all about it.

Now, to be completely honest, I did throw in a comment or 2 that, in hindsight, I could have left out. I mentioned that I had alwaays loved being Kathy, Davey, and Grandma because they always accepted me no matter what I looked like or where I was in my life. Now, to me, a normal person would not have any problem with a statement like that. But because, I believe, she feels so much gult for always judging me by my appearance, my mom feels horrible about it. And rather than change - or even try to change - the way she looks at things, or get some counselling to help her do that, she lashes out. And that is what she did last night. It was just so insane. I actually found myself saying that to her last night - "you are absolutely crazy." I have tried to never say things like that, but last night, I just couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth; what she was saying was totally insane.

I thought about writing her an email, stating my position and pointing out those areas where she was just dead wrong, but then I thought better of it. She is very upset right now because of what Irene is going through, and I don't want to introduce any more drama or pain into her life, even though she thinks that's what I want to do. I am not really sure what to do at this point, and I think that sometimes the best thing to do when that is the case is nothing at all. Especially with my mom. At this point, I don't think she is actually capable of really taking in anything I would say or write to her anyway, so why waste the effort? Besides, I would only be regurgitating things I have said a thousand times before.

I think I am just going to have to accept that, for whatever reason, my mom will never get any real help for herself. I am not sure why it is so hard for her to just do something about it. I mean, she got VA medical coverage - she get all the counselling she wants. But that's the thing - she doesn't want any. Well, I am not going to ask her about it anymore.

Last night, she went off about how she has been saying for years that if Marshal and I set up a family appt at a counselor, she will go, but we never do because we are just such liars. And so I thought to myself, why haven't I done it? And then, becuase of something she said, it occurred to me. She had mentioned that she thought the reason we had never done it is because we were afraid that the counsellor would tell us that we were wrong, and she was right; that we had issues, and she didn't. And then it came to me - yes, the counsellor proably would tell us we have issues, because we do, BUT WE BOTH ALREADY ADMIT THAT. It is mom who is not willing to admit it. And counselling is not about figuring out who is right and who is wrong - it is about discovering those things that need healing, and confronting them head on so we can get past them. And I just don't think my mom is committed to a program of healing. What good would it do to go to one lousy appt with the 3 of us, if she is unwilling to do anything else on her own?

And maybe she is afraid to go to one alone. Maybe she is afraid of what they will say, and knows that if we are there with her, she can deflect to us instead of facing anything about herself. In any case, I will always love my mom, and I honestly want her to be happy, don't want to cause her any pain. But I have separate myself emotionally from her crazy thoughts, because they are just that - crazy. I am grateful to finally be at a point in my life where I can see that for what it is and not let it get me down. Thank God for healing and progress.