Well, the bout of missing my ex g/f continues. I am sure a lot of it has to do with missing the great sex. And in fact, I miss her body more than I miss her, terrible as it is to say. I absolutely loved her breasts - it's the first time I have dated a woman who had halfway ample breasts - and I really enjoyed playing with them in every was possible. I also miss the softness of her skin. It was very creamy, and so soft to the touch. But as I think about that stuf, and apply the new (to me anyway) Buddhist concepts I am learning, I wonder how important all of that really was/is. I mean, it always seems like it is one or the other with me and the women in my life : either the are great mentally and spritually and we fit great in those respects, but there is little chemistry in the bedroom (Ty, Marci), OR just the opposite - there are some challenges on the mental/spiritual levels, but the sex is awesom (Sam, Tina). If only I could get the "combo platter" and have both the good fit and the good sex... who knows, maybe someday.
Of course now that I reread that paragraph, I realize that what I said had really nothing to do with the Buddhist concepts, other than the fact that what we think will make us happy ultimately never does - we end up wanting more, or something different, or something better. I think Marci was probably the best actual person I have ever been with, but for whatever reason, the spark just wasn't there for me in the bedroom. Then, I thought Tina was a perfect fit. But it turned out that she never really took to the kids, and they never really took to her. That, along with some parenting philosophy differences and some honesty issues on her part pretty much doomed that relationship. But, as I said, the sex was great, so I let it go on a lot longer than it probably should have because I honestly thought after getting sober that I would never have sex that good again. Arghhh!!! It sucks to be without it now.
But I am getting to a point in my life where I realize that not having that awesome spark in bed may not - in fact, is not - the most important thing. Looking back at my relationship with Marci, I see that the value of the way she was with the kids, her deep spirituality, her sense of responsibility, and many other factors were worth far more than good sex is. Why do I say that now? Because as I have gotten older, my libido has decreased a lot anyway. I don't even care to have sex that often anyway, but all of those other qualities are an every day thing. It sounds kinda' bad, but in the economics of relationships for me, it just makes sense to go for that which offers the highest spiritual return. Now, the question is, can I prevent myself from repeating past mistakes in this area? I think that, with Spirit's help, I can.
Other news - in the tradition of "If you can'tbeat 'em, join 'em" I was asked to join the board of the Flynn Lane HOA a couple of weeks ago, and last night, with no fanfare and nothing but a quick vote, I became the VP of the HOA - BOO YAHHH!!!! I didn't even plan for it to happen. I guess the VP resigned a while back, and Leona asked if I would show up at the meeting so I could be appointed. It's weird how stuff like that works sometimes. It was kinda' funny (kinda' scary actually) too, because they (we) started discussing violations people had, and a few of them had to do with doors - front doors and patio doors too - and I thought FOR SURE they were going to bring up my French doors! They even brought up someone else who had French doors, and I know my butthole puckered right then. But, they moved on, with nary a mention of my doors. Phewwww!!! And it was actually very interesting. I am looking forward to getting more involved and learning more about how it all works.
I was thinking today that maybe I am being primed for public office someday, hunh? I mean I am a treasurer for my AA homegroup, and now I am a VP on the HOA board - some good public service experience. Who knows. I am just taking it as it comes and enjoying the changes at this point. With all of the stressors I have had in my life lately, some nice welcomed distractions are great!
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