Wow, I feel so much better already. This morning, I deactiated my Facebook account, and I just got done deleting my profile on "plentyoffish." I feel a strange sense of relief, and actually feel really good about it.
I also did something else I feel good about - I called and had my son's cell phone service suspended. I have been threatening for a long time, and it feels good to actually follow through with it. I made the decision after talking to his social studies teacher and finding out that he hasn't been turning in ANY of the homework for that class. The really bad part? It's not even homework, it's work that they are supposed to do in class. That was the last straw for me. I can't wait to hear his excuse for this one. "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to do the homework in class, I just thought everybody was reading or something." Yeah - right!
So today begins a new, hopefully happier period for me. I am gone from the "cyber scrutiny" sites, and can just focus on what is right in front of me - what I should have been doing all along. Hey, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, right? :)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Facebook is for happy people
Well, I decided this morning to deactivate my Facebook account and delete entirely my previous blog. I have figured out that FB is for happy people - people who have wives/husbands/kids/friends, and who do fun things and want to share that fun with others. It is not for single, recovering drug-addict dads who are struggling to find happiness and a life partner to share their life with. Momma always told me "if you don't have anything nice to say..." and in that spirit, I am sparing the world my whiney, self-pity bullshit, and dusting my Facebook account entirely.
Also, I started this new blog, and did away with the other one. I think I had some stupid delusion that I would be "discovered" as some great comedic writer, and so I made it public and promoted it to my friends and family. But in doing that, I lost what I needed most - a sounding board for my darkest thoughts. And so, I killed that blog, and started this one, which I will tell no one about. Fuck being "discovered." That was just another delusion I had, and it robbed of what I really need, which is basically an online journal in which I can get this shit out of my head.
I chose the Forst Noble Truth as the title of this new blog, because it reminds me that we were never promised ponies and parades. Life is suffering - plain and simple. And I am looking for the practical meaning of the 3rd and 4th truths - the cessation of suffering, and the way leading to the cessation of suffering. And I am going to focus solely on that - for myself and my kids. Fuck the dating sites, fuck the public blogs, and fuck Facebook. I am NOT happy, and I want to spout it out - even if I am the only person who ever sees it. In the end, it only matters that I do anyway.
Also, I started this new blog, and did away with the other one. I think I had some stupid delusion that I would be "discovered" as some great comedic writer, and so I made it public and promoted it to my friends and family. But in doing that, I lost what I needed most - a sounding board for my darkest thoughts. And so, I killed that blog, and started this one, which I will tell no one about. Fuck being "discovered." That was just another delusion I had, and it robbed of what I really need, which is basically an online journal in which I can get this shit out of my head.
I chose the Forst Noble Truth as the title of this new blog, because it reminds me that we were never promised ponies and parades. Life is suffering - plain and simple. And I am looking for the practical meaning of the 3rd and 4th truths - the cessation of suffering, and the way leading to the cessation of suffering. And I am going to focus solely on that - for myself and my kids. Fuck the dating sites, fuck the public blogs, and fuck Facebook. I am NOT happy, and I want to spout it out - even if I am the only person who ever sees it. In the end, it only matters that I do anyway.
Feelings of failure
You know those times when you think things can get much worse, and then they do, and you just want to lay down and die? Well, maybe you don't. But tonight, I am having one of those moments. It's not enough that my fortune in the dating arena is so miserable, and that I have been battling depression about it; tonight, we get home from being out, and my daughter starts talking about how none of her friends want to come over to our house, because we live in a condo, and we don't have a yard. They don't want to come over here because our place is so small, and there isn't much to do. In short, they don't come over because we don't have a nice house like they do. In short, as a single dad, I can only do what I can do. And with no help from a female partner, that doesn't include having a nice house with a back yard. We were lucky to even get this condo.
My daughter goes on to say how sad she is to not have a mother (for reference, my children's mom is all messed up, and takes no interest in them at all - hasn't since we got divorced), or mother figure even, in her life. And I can't help but feel sad and think that if I was better looking, more successful, more confident, that I could at least attract a woman so she would have a decent step-mom. I can't help but think that even though I am doing my best, it just isn't enough really. And as far as the "finding a mom for her," I am a miserable failure at it. And, to make it worse, the one woman I did find who would have been a wonderful mother figure, I let go. Ugh.
Now I can just hear all of my 'supporters' saying, "Oh, but your such a great guy." "You are a real catch, and someday..." yadda yadda yadda. But somehow, none of that seems to make me feel any better. Even if I was a great catch (which I am not people - I have issues, on top of my lack of physical attractiveness and shortness) it wouldn't change what is. It wouldn't change the fact that my son and daughter have no mother in their lives, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I would so love to meet a great woman who could come into our lives and maybe be a mother figure to my daughter, but I don't seem capable of attracting such a lady. I am powerless. And depressed. And sad for my daughter.
You know, I do think I am a great guy, and deserve someone special. But even moreso, I know that my son and daughter are great kids, and deserve a mother figure in their lives. You think God, or fate, or the female gender diva would recognize that, and at least bring someone into our lives for them. But I feel as though the failure of that to happens rests squarely on my shoulders, and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I knew what to do to help, and I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think that this would all work out one day, but tonight, I feel like my soul is being crushed under the weight, and life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
My daughter goes on to say how sad she is to not have a mother (for reference, my children's mom is all messed up, and takes no interest in them at all - hasn't since we got divorced), or mother figure even, in her life. And I can't help but feel sad and think that if I was better looking, more successful, more confident, that I could at least attract a woman so she would have a decent step-mom. I can't help but think that even though I am doing my best, it just isn't enough really. And as far as the "finding a mom for her," I am a miserable failure at it. And, to make it worse, the one woman I did find who would have been a wonderful mother figure, I let go. Ugh.
Now I can just hear all of my 'supporters' saying, "Oh, but your such a great guy." "You are a real catch, and someday..." yadda yadda yadda. But somehow, none of that seems to make me feel any better. Even if I was a great catch (which I am not people - I have issues, on top of my lack of physical attractiveness and shortness) it wouldn't change what is. It wouldn't change the fact that my son and daughter have no mother in their lives, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I would so love to meet a great woman who could come into our lives and maybe be a mother figure to my daughter, but I don't seem capable of attracting such a lady. I am powerless. And depressed. And sad for my daughter.
You know, I do think I am a great guy, and deserve someone special. But even moreso, I know that my son and daughter are great kids, and deserve a mother figure in their lives. You think God, or fate, or the female gender diva would recognize that, and at least bring someone into our lives for them. But I feel as though the failure of that to happens rests squarely on my shoulders, and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I knew what to do to help, and I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think that this would all work out one day, but tonight, I feel like my soul is being crushed under the weight, and life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
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