Change in scenery

The past week or 2 have been pretty rough for me, trying to deal with Galen's behavioral and educational issues. I had a meeting with his assistant principal and him yesterday, and he is going to be helping me by checking that Galen is doing his schoolwork and having Galen spend his lunch hours with him instead of hanging out with his wonderful "friends." I am very grateful that this man is offering his time and attention to help out, because honestly, I feel like I am at the end of my rope with him. It seems I have tried everything, and nothing has worked. I am ready to just throw in the towel and sneak away to Mexico in the middle of the night or something.

At times like this in the past, I have sought refuge in the program, in the meetings of AA or CA, especially the ones I frequent. But over the last few weeks, I have grown disillusioned and dissatisifed with those meetings and the people in them. I went to the Friday night meeting last week, and was attempting to share, but it seemed that almost everyone was completely ignoring me. As has happened so often in the past, Kurt found it more important to visit with Jim about something, and that of course distracted a number of the other people. I paused, to give them time to finish, and as if to say, "Ok, I am going to share now." But Jim, Kurt, and a couple of others didn't really seem to care, and kept ignoring me. So, I simply passed, thinking that I really didn't need to share with all of them anyway, as I had already seen Diana on Wednesday that week and shared with her. Perhaps they are tired of hearing my talk about my problems with my kids, and they are justified in their actions. But the disrespect - and even more so, apparent lack of caring or compassion - really stung, and I don't think I will be going back to that meeting for some time, if ever.

Yesterday, after meeting with Mr. Nievez (the asst. principal) I was very upset; upset that it had come to this, and upset to think that nothing I did seemed to work, and that it seemed like Galen didn't care about me one lick. So when I got home, I was on a short fuse, and all it took was me lecturing Tessi about the cat litter and feeding, and her being a smarty pants and replying "Ok, ok, ok" to everything I said to set me off. I stormed out at about 5pm and thought I would go to my homegroup meeting at Crossroads (not the actual monthly meeting, just the regular Tuesday night meeting) and that I would probably see my sponsor there, and I could talk to him about how I was feeling. But when I got there, and shared with him a little bit, it was as if either he didn't care, he didn't know what to say, or he couldn't see how upset I really was. I ended up leaving shortly after the meeting began, as I was having a VERY strong urge to cut myself - to just lay my throat open and end it all. And it was much stronger that it has ever been before - I would call it more of a compulsion.

And it wasn't so much a "Bleh heh! I'll show you!" It was just a very real compulsion to commit the physical act, to put the knife to the skin, to feel the cut, to see the blood go out, to experience the loss of consciousness, and then death. I went to a parking lot, and considered calling a suicide hotline. I considered just heading north in my truck and never coming back. I considered driving 80 miles an hour into a telephone pole with no seatbelt. But more that all that, I was just craving the feeling of that knife on my skin. So I did the only other thing I knew to do, and I called my therapist, Diana, and left a message telling her what was going on. God bless her, she called me back shortly after and said I could go in to see her at 8:30. In the time between (about 2 hours) I basically drove from parking lot to parking lot fighting the urge to slit my throat.

I had the appt. with, and even though I initially didn't want to do EMDR, that's what we did for the entire time, albeit in a different manner, one in which I was able to speak the whole time. And I think it did help. I felt more calm after I left, and somewhat more hopeful. But I was still rather despondent, and after getting home and telling the kids that they were driving me to the looney bin, I went to bed - but still, the urge to cut was there, and as strong as ever. And so, I did something I have never done before : I got my knife out, and made several cuts across my left leg. At first, I made about 8 cuts, none of them too deep, but enough to draw a tiny amount of blood. But that was not satisfying, so I made a few more that were a little deeper, and actually tried to make one that was very deep, cutting across a cut that I had already made. It still didn't go as deep as I wanted, and didn't bleed all that much, but it seemed to finally relieve the compulsion, and I was able to go to sleep.

Today, I am still not in the best of moods, but I am here at work, and I really like my job. I think I am needed, wanted, and appreciated here, and for me, that is very important. I think that I am good at what I do and successful, which is more than I can say for any other area of my life, including parenting, romantic or other relationships, bowling, anything really. And so I am thankful to have this job. It, along with my therapist (thank GOD for her) have become my refuge. The program, I think I am going to walk away from it for awhile - at least as I have been experiencing it. Perhaps I will do some Al Anon, or maybe CMA meetings, but I am done with the meetings I have been doing for awhile. They just aren't working for me, and I don't want what the people in those meetings have, at least not most of them.

As far as the cutting goes - well, I'm not sure what to think about it. I know that it relieved my compulsion to do something worse, so perhaps that is a good thing. Will I do it again? Who knows. I know some mystics and ascetics practice mortification of the flesh, and perhaps this is my own incarnation of that practice. I don't really know. It is interesting though, as is life itself. I just keep pluggin' away, doing whatever it takes to stay sober and alive. And if that means cutting myself up a little bit, then so be it. Whatever works.

Not gonna' go there this time

Well, just when I thought I had gotten into a place of real acceptance about being single and was feeling pretty good about it, something comes out of the blue to change that. Maybe. Anyway, when I was going to DeVry, I got to know the lady who was the Student Services coordinator pretty well. Her name was Stephanie, and she was a very pretty, petite, polite woman that I quickly developed a strong attraction to. Of course she was married, and so I did my best to be respectful of that. Although we did go out to lunch one day at David Kwan's Chinese Buffet, and I proceeded to reveal the fact that I felt that I was falling in love with her. She took it like a real trooper, and even though things were a little awkward between us after that, they weren't as bad as I might have thought they would be.

Fast forward to yesterday. I found Steph's profile on FB a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was curious that she listed her relationship status as "in a relationship" instead of married. I investigated a little more, and noticed that there was no male figure in any of the pictures on her profile - just her, and pics of her 2 kids. Of course my mind starting humming, thinking maybe she had gotten divorced - boo yahhh! So I sent her off what I am sure was a very thinly veiled excuse to find out. Last night I got a message back from her to find out that indeed, she is divorced, but that she ids dating someone. Shit - missed again. That's what I'm thinking.

But, never one to just give up, I sent her a message back stating that if things didn't work out with her current relationship, I would love the opportunity to take her out to dinner. Now I am sure that, first of all, she probably thinks I am some desperate, lovelorn kook (which isn't really too far from the truth I guess!) and wouldn't go on a date with me even if she was single. Secondly, she is probably dating some guy who has a lot more to offer - with less "accessories" - than I do, and there is no way she would give that up for me, or someone like me. And lastly, she probably didn't find me attractive in that way, and doesn't now. So even if the 'stars were all aligned properly', i.e. I had no kids, I was well off, I was a more confident, secure person - she still wouldn't date me. Wow - there's a breath of sunshine up your ass, hunh?!?!?

So what does this all mean? Well, I could get all derailed from my newfound happiness and start obsessing on this new situation, getting down on myself because once again, I have/will "lose out"; once again, the possibility that the Cinderella story, the Lady and the Tramp, the Sleepless in Seattle story will remain just a fading dream, and I will remain single for some unspecified length of time, while the guy that Stephanie is dating enjoys the presence of the woman that should be mine. Geez, I am even making my own stomach turn with all that crizzapp!

OR, I could remind myself of the Buddhist teachings I have beens studying over the last few years, and remind myself that attachment to my desires is suffering. The amount that I suffer over this is ultimately up to me, and how important it is for me to retain my attachment to that "Sleepless in Seattle" dream. How is that dream benefitting me today? Is it worth retaining my attachment to it? For so many years, that dream was my "ace in the hole," my saving grace, my only hope of happiness in this life.

But I have grown as a person since then, and as I have studied the dharma more and more, I have come to realize that my salvation is right here, in this moment, and independent of anyone else. There is suffering, and attachment to my desires is the cause of that suffering. There is also cessation of suffering, and in knowing that, I can decide to let go of those attachments, and with them, the suffering too. And so that is what I am working on today. Because I have decided that I would rather be free of the suffering, and the causes of suffering, than experience some temporary bliss that will be unreal and impermanent anyway. I think I really am becoming a true student of the dharma, and I am so grateful for that. It is offering me a chance to see that the suffering is real - but that there is a path that leads to cessation of suffering. And that is my new dream - to walk that path and find the true freedom my spirit craves.

What a difference a day makes

Wow, it is so funny how the slightest mistake in perception can TOTALLY change the meaning of an event, and hence all the feelings about that event. I had written yesterday about how Randall had "made fun" of me after bowling Sunday night, sending me into a spiral of anger and resentment. So I sent Randall an email yesterday stating that I would not be at bowling this next week and that I would not be returning next season. I was basically writing off not only bowling, but the Friday night meeting as well. My anger had snowballed, and was consuming every "Randall related" thing in its path.

After I sent the email, I got a text from Randall saying "can we please talk after you get off work?" I replied that yes, we could, at about 5pm. So he calls at 5, and at first, I don't even want to answer, because by this time I have come home and one of the kids has made some new demand of me, sending me over the edge, and I am SUPER pissed. Well, mom called, and we talked for a bit, and I settled down. So I actually did the right thing - the thing I would NEVER have done before I got some recovery - and I called Randall - to find out that the WHOLE even was a total misunderstanding, and that I had taken what he did as directed towards ME when it wasn't at all. Turns out he was referring to Keith and Jim's team, as they were complaining about the way handicap was done, and it JUST HAPPENED to come out of his mouth (the whole 'Waaaahhhh' thing) at the same exact time that I had just finished telling Sally how I had been trying to improve my game for the last 6 years, and couldn't. In fact, Randall was in total shick that I was so mad, because he didn't make the connection I had made, and so had no idea why I was even mad. Wow - timing really is everything.

So, after a nice talk with him, I decided that the real issue was not him, or even the fact that my bowling scores had dropped off a cliff. What was really happening was that the kids were arguing and fighting before bowling had even started, with Galen making fun of Tessi, and Tessi bawling about it, and I was upset from the get-go. I have decided that instead of quitting bowling, which I really do enjoy when I can keep my ego out of it, I am going to stop taking either one of them. That is my time, for me to do something fun for ME. And inevitably, if one or both of them come, it ends up not being fun or relaxing for me at all. Hence the stress, and probably the lower scores too. I will be curious to see how I do once they stop coming.

The best part of all this is that I overcame some past behavioral patterns, and instead of just isolating, ignoring Randall's calls, and allowing the anger to build even more, I did the right thing : I confronted the issue (or delusion, as it turned out) head on, and called Randall to talk about it. I was able to "make amends quickly" just like the 10th step says, and to preserver both a friendship, as well as what has become a way of life, or at least enjoyable tradition, for myself. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It is so cool to actually see the principles working in my life. Now today, my DBA (Steph) is all pissy for some reason - another opportunity for learning I guess. Progress, not perfection, right?!?!?

Bowling bummage

Well, last night was probably the worst night of bowling I have had all season, which in itself would have been just about enough to lead to a decision to not bowl again next season. But when Randall decided to basically "tease" me as I was leaving by going "Waaahhhhh", that sealed the deal.

You know, I am not sure if has anything to do with him at all really, or if it is just me, but I find it incredibly frustrating - not fun like it's supposed to be. I started off the season like a man on fire, rolling 200's left and right, and even scoring a 691 scratch series. But like always happens (for some weird, unknown reason) the rest of the season has been a not-so-slow descent into the land of bowling 120's and 130's. I am not sure what the hell happens to me, but it really seems like I have some built-in self destruct mechanism that fires off every season in bowling, and I am just tired of fighting it. What makes it even worse is that when I try to improve my game by practicing a bit more, or even getting some coaching, I still don't do any better in league. The really ironic thing? I can bowl 200's pretty consistently practicing, but when I hit league - pppphhhhhhtttttt!!! All the air goes out of the tires, and I suck (or blow, as it may be).

Now if I bowled with someone who was generally cool about it and supportive (like my one teammate Brad) I could probably roll on through it and keep bowling, laughing all the while. But Randall has a way of being about him that seems to indicate that he has the compassion and understanding of a seedless grape. There are times when I, or someone else (like Kevin K this Friday) just needs a pat on the shoulder, and a "hey man, it's cool - don't worry about it. Everything is going to be ok." But he seems completely incapable of offering such support, and instead, gives the advice of a nazi sponsor, admonishing the person to 'quit whining', or pulling the 'wahhh hahh' thing like he did with me. When someone on your team in a team sport is down, that is the LAST thing they need.

But, I have come to accept my powerlessness in the situation, and know that I cannot change the way Randall is. And I also know that I have a part in it - my expectations of my self are too high, and I let my ego get in the way of just having fun. I see JT, and Emile, and Ken and Roger Gosney and all these guys getting better and better, and I feel like I am "less than," "no good," and "a horrible bowler," and then that is what I become. So I know I have a huge part in it as well. But at this point in my life, I just don't think I need something that is only going to cause me to think such thoughts. And especially not something that is SUPPOSED to be fun, and recreational.

So I was thinking that I would take the $50-60 a month I have been spending on bowling and get a membership at the new health club that is supposed to be opening soon on 16th st and Bethany. Why not take the time to do something that is good for me, will improve both my health and appearance, as well as my image of myself, and is non-competitive? And so that is what I am going to do. Who knows - maybe this was God's way of getting me there - and maybe I am just a poor sport looking for something where I can't lose! ha ha! Either way, it sounds like a winner to me.

The latest news in my life

Well, the bout of missing my ex g/f continues. I am sure a lot of it has to do with missing the great sex. And in fact, I miss her body more than I miss her, terrible as it is to say. I absolutely loved her breasts - it's the first time I have dated a woman who had halfway ample breasts - and I really enjoyed playing with them in every was possible. I also miss the softness of her skin. It was very creamy, and so soft to the touch. But as I think about that stuf, and apply the new (to me anyway) Buddhist concepts I am learning, I wonder how important all of that really was/is. I mean, it always seems like it is one or the other with me and the women in my life : either the are great mentally and spritually and we fit great in those respects, but there is little chemistry in the bedroom (Ty, Marci), OR just the opposite - there are some challenges on the mental/spiritual levels, but the sex is awesom (Sam, Tina). If only I could get the "combo platter" and have both the good fit and the good sex... who knows, maybe someday.

Of course now that I reread that paragraph, I realize that what I said had really nothing to do with the Buddhist concepts, other than the fact that what we think will make us happy ultimately never does - we end up wanting more, or something different, or something better. I think Marci was probably the best actual person I have ever been with, but for whatever reason, the spark just wasn't there for me in the bedroom. Then, I thought Tina was a perfect fit. But it turned out that she never really took to the kids, and they never really took to her. That, along with some parenting philosophy differences and some honesty issues on her part pretty much doomed that relationship. But, as I said, the sex was great, so I let it go on a lot longer than it probably should have because I honestly thought after getting sober that I would never have sex that good again. Arghhh!!! It sucks to be without it now.

But I am getting to a point in my life where I realize that not having that awesome spark in bed may not - in fact, is not - the most important thing. Looking back at my relationship with Marci, I see that the value of the way she was with the kids, her deep spirituality, her sense of responsibility, and many other factors were worth far more than good sex is. Why do I say that now? Because as I have gotten older, my libido has decreased a lot anyway. I don't even care to have sex that often anyway, but all of those other qualities are an every day thing. It sounds kinda' bad, but in the economics of relationships for me, it just makes sense to go for that which offers the highest spiritual return. Now, the question is, can I prevent myself from repeating past mistakes in this area? I think that, with Spirit's help, I can.

Other news - in the tradition of "If you can'tbeat 'em, join 'em" I was asked to join the board of the Flynn Lane HOA a couple of weeks ago, and last night, with no fanfare and nothing but a quick vote, I became the VP of the HOA - BOO YAHHH!!!! I didn't even plan for it to happen. I guess the VP resigned a while back, and Leona asked if I would show up at the meeting so I could be appointed. It's weird how stuff like that works sometimes. It was kinda' funny (kinda' scary actually) too, because they (we) started discussing violations people had, and a few of them had to do with doors - front doors and patio doors too - and I thought FOR SURE they were going to bring up my French doors! They even brought up someone else who had French doors, and I know my butthole puckered right then. But, they moved on, with nary a mention of my doors. Phewwww!!! And it was actually very interesting. I am looking forward to getting more involved and learning more about how it all works.

I was thinking today that maybe I am being primed for public office someday, hunh? I mean I am a treasurer for my AA homegroup, and now I am a VP on the HOA board - some good public service experience. Who knows. I am just taking it as it comes and enjoying the changes at this point. With all of the stressors I have had in my life lately, some nice welcomed distractions are great!

Truly Letting Go

This weekend, I had a bout of missing my ex-girlfriend. I even thought about driving by her place, but knew that if I saw some vehicle parked there (her new boyfriend's) I would probably be pretty upset. So I didn't do that. And I think I was surprised to realize how upset I might actually get if there was someone there. I was hoping that maybe I was over all of that, but apparently I am not.

And of course, like always happens, I remembered all the good things about our relationship, especially the great sex, which was the best part, and I started longing for her again. I started wondering if maybe she was a lot better than I thought she was and if it wasn't me who was the messed up person. I started thinking about the girlfriend I had before her, Marci, and how happy she seems to be. Perhaps it is me that is messed up, and perhaps I will never have a partner in my life that I can be happy with, and that can be happy with me. And if that is the case, then the true objective for me must be being happy with what is - to find happiness in my life just as it is, and to finally learn not to depend on "having someone" to be happy.

I found something on the web that I like a lot - a website that is all about Buddhism, and there is an awesome quote on there that has become my mantra :

"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better."

(from the website http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)

So that has become my mantra - 'attachment to my desires is suffering.' Not necessarily the desires themselves, but my attachment to them. It is not my desire to have a woman in my life that is my suffering, it is my ATTACHMENT to that desire. If I could let go of that desire, if I could free myself of that attachment, I would not suffer so. And so, I have changed my focus from trying to rid myself of that desire - which for me, has proven impossible anyway - and changed the focus instead to trying to rid myself of the attachment to that desire. It is a sublte, but life-changing switch in thinking, and I am grateful to have been brought that realization.

I am powerless

That statement immediately freed me from what was quickly becoming a cauldron of rage engulfing my entire mind. I had gotten off the phone with Galen, and suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, a thought came into my mind : "I am powerless over him and his actions. He is God's child." And in that moment, I felt a HUGE burned lifted off me and felt the rage just evaporate; I was once again at peace. Because for a moment, I thought that I was in control, that I was in charge, and that I alone was responsible for Galen and his actions. I thought that I could 'change' him, that I could 'make' him be the good student and good citizen I want him to be. But the reality - the sweet reality - is that I cannot, because I am powerless.

And so, when I got home last night, instead of yelling and screaming at him, I calmly explained the fact that he has the ability to make choices, and that our choices often times have consequences that we did not consider when we made them. I made him aware of what some of the long term consequences for him might be - like not getting a car when he turns 16, me not paying insurance on a car if he does get one, not getting his cell phone back, etc. I also told him that I am not going to "sponsor" his lifestyle, and that I will not sign any more 'Reflections' he sends home, that he will just have to serve detentions for all of them. I told him I will not give him any more money, and that his friends are not welcome at our house - I don't trust them. And I also told him that if he brings drugs into the house, or gets in other trouble, I will just call the cops on him, and have them take him to juvie as an "incorrigible." Basically, I done messing around with him, and I will not let him destroy my serenity or my life.

And, in the spirit of truly "letting go," I also told him that he is no longer grounded. He can do whatever he wants after school and on weekends, just as long as it doesn't involve his friends coming over to our place. It's more work than it's worth trying to enforce his grounding, and it doesn't change his behavior anyway, so why bother? He is basically on his own to make his own choices, and he will have to live with the consequences, whatever they are. If that means repeating 8th grade, then I guess he will have to do that. It's no skin off my hide. And while some would read this and think that I don't care, it is really just the opposite. I do care - about my sobriety and serenity above all. Because if I don't have those, I won't have my kids anyway and none of this will matter.

And so that is what I am focusing on, having faith that God is in charge of everything - even Galen - and that everything will work out as it is supposed to. I just have to keep doing the next right thing, putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that I am powerless - and in that is my ultimate freedom.

Troubled teen

This school year has started off like a nightmare, and I am wondering how in the world I am going to make it through 4 more years of this stuff. The second or 3rd week of school, I got a call from Galen's math teacher informin me that he wasn't turning any homework in, and that he was basically getting a 0 in her class. I of course talked to him about it and told him that if he didn't straighten up, there would be some repercussions. So the very next week, I got a call from his social studies teacher telling me that she had sent home some papers that she needed signed the first week of school, and she hadn't gotten them back yet. So I assured her that I would get them signed and returned, and while I had her on the phone, I thought to ask her about how he was doing in her class. It turned out that he wasn't turning in any work in her class either, and to make things worse, she didn't even give "home" work - it was assignments she gave to be completed in class.

So, right then and there, I called up Cricket and had his cell phone turned off. Then, I grounded him completely for 2 weeks, and told him that if he didn't bring his grades up, he would continue losing things - his guitar, the PS2, etc. And that seemed to work for a few days. I actually saw him doing some homework, and thought maybe he had turned things around. Until today.

I got a call at about 9:30am this morning from the assistant principal at Meadows stating that Galen was in some kind of trouble. Apparently, someone took a kid's cellphone, and then gave it to Galen to give back to the kid. So it wasn't him that took it, but he supposedly knew who did it, and the asst principal was trying to get Galen to give the cuplrit up. Needless to say, my blood pressure probably went up about 100 points. So I asked to talk to Galen. He claimed that he knew absolutely nothing about the phone, and that he didn't even know why he was in the office. So I talked to the a/p again, and asked if it was possible that the kid who ID'd Galen had lied, and he said that was possibility, but that he felt Galen knew who did it. And, because they don't want to send out the wrong message - that stealing will be tolerated - they are going to suspend Galen if he doesn't tell who did it.

Now, if Galen had not already been on my shitlist for everything else that has happened this year, I probably would take his side, no qestions asked. But it is a little hard when he has been in SO MUCH trouble.

Crazy Wandy

Well, I had an email from Marsh in my inbox at work today when I got here, asking if I had heard from mom lately. I figured it would take at least 1000 words to even begin to describe what happened on the phone the last time we talked, so I decided to just call him up and talk to him. We have both come to the conclusion that our mother is basically completely crazy, and that for some strange reason, she may never decide to get any help for herself. I told him that I basically, for the first time I can remember, told her as much.

Marshal has a lot of anger towards her - more than I thought he had. It is clear that the things she did when he was young, like going to Colorado to be with Bob Barber and leaving him in AZ with Brian Barber, did have negative emotional effects on him, as they would have on any kid. I don' think she realizes what fuck-up she was for a parent for many years. Or, if she does, she wants to wear it like a badge of honor, and lambast us all with the guilt and shame she feels for it, and she feels that, bcause her "parents were divorced when she was 16" like she has told us a million times, she is justified in doing whatever it is that she decides to do. It is just SOOOO insane - how she can jusify her shortcomings using that reasoning, and yet yell and scream at Marshal and I for what she believes is us using that same reasoning, even when we aren't.

I am not sure what to do at this point, but I did promise Marshal that I will set up a counselling appointment for us all the next time she is in town. In fact, I am going to send her an email about that right now. I have dropped the ball on that, and I don't want to let an opportunity like that pass by. I only hope that she will actually go to the darn thing when I get it set up. Lord help me! And Marshal.....

Mommie Dearest

Last night, Mom called from South Dakota, and we were talking about how things are going up there. She has been staying with Irene while she undergoes chemotherapy, and was mentioning that she was going to take some time "off" this weekend and go stay with Kathy and Clayton in Belle Fourche. I told her that I thought that was a great idea, that Kathy was such a positive person, and that I had always enjoyed her company.

Well, to my surprise, something about saying that Kathy was 'positive' set my mom off, and she embarked on a tirade. Obviously, my mentioning that about Kathy meant that I thought that she and Marshal weren't positive, and that I was not thankful for anything they had ever done for me (?) She went on to lecture me that things were different for her, because Kathy was her little sister, and it was SHE who had helped and comforted Kathy all these years - not the other way around. I tried to back away from the statement, saying that I was only trying to relate to her, and that I thought it would be good for her to stay with Kathy for a few days to get some inspiration and comfort, but she was not having it. I had insulted her and everything she stood for, and she was going to let me know all about it.

Now, to be completely honest, I did throw in a comment or 2 that, in hindsight, I could have left out. I mentioned that I had alwaays loved being Kathy, Davey, and Grandma because they always accepted me no matter what I looked like or where I was in my life. Now, to me, a normal person would not have any problem with a statement like that. But because, I believe, she feels so much gult for always judging me by my appearance, my mom feels horrible about it. And rather than change - or even try to change - the way she looks at things, or get some counselling to help her do that, she lashes out. And that is what she did last night. It was just so insane. I actually found myself saying that to her last night - "you are absolutely crazy." I have tried to never say things like that, but last night, I just couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth; what she was saying was totally insane.

I thought about writing her an email, stating my position and pointing out those areas where she was just dead wrong, but then I thought better of it. She is very upset right now because of what Irene is going through, and I don't want to introduce any more drama or pain into her life, even though she thinks that's what I want to do. I am not really sure what to do at this point, and I think that sometimes the best thing to do when that is the case is nothing at all. Especially with my mom. At this point, I don't think she is actually capable of really taking in anything I would say or write to her anyway, so why waste the effort? Besides, I would only be regurgitating things I have said a thousand times before.

I think I am just going to have to accept that, for whatever reason, my mom will never get any real help for herself. I am not sure why it is so hard for her to just do something about it. I mean, she got VA medical coverage - she get all the counselling she wants. But that's the thing - she doesn't want any. Well, I am not going to ask her about it anymore.

Last night, she went off about how she has been saying for years that if Marshal and I set up a family appt at a counselor, she will go, but we never do because we are just such liars. And so I thought to myself, why haven't I done it? And then, becuase of something she said, it occurred to me. She had mentioned that she thought the reason we had never done it is because we were afraid that the counsellor would tell us that we were wrong, and she was right; that we had issues, and she didn't. And then it came to me - yes, the counsellor proably would tell us we have issues, because we do, BUT WE BOTH ALREADY ADMIT THAT. It is mom who is not willing to admit it. And counselling is not about figuring out who is right and who is wrong - it is about discovering those things that need healing, and confronting them head on so we can get past them. And I just don't think my mom is committed to a program of healing. What good would it do to go to one lousy appt with the 3 of us, if she is unwilling to do anything else on her own?

And maybe she is afraid to go to one alone. Maybe she is afraid of what they will say, and knows that if we are there with her, she can deflect to us instead of facing anything about herself. In any case, I will always love my mom, and I honestly want her to be happy, don't want to cause her any pain. But I have separate myself emotionally from her crazy thoughts, because they are just that - crazy. I am grateful to finally be at a point in my life where I can see that for what it is and not let it get me down. Thank God for healing and progress.

Hate to say it (moved from the Numbsung Hero...)

Ugh. Man, I just hate to say it, but it is starting to look like my mom was actually right. She has been telling me for months now that I am too fat, and that if I don't lose weight, I will probably never get a girlfriend. And, the longer I try to tough it out on the online dating scene, the more it is starting to look like she was right. I mean, a good number of these women honestly won't even MEET a guy unless he is in fantastic shape, like with 6 pack abs and such. If you don't work out 5 days a week, they don't even want to talk to you. And I have found out, much to my dismay, that to these women, cleaning house and doing laundry DO NOT count as "working out" - even if you do it really fast!
Now, my mom has been giving me crap for years about my "fatness." I am really not fat as most people would think of it, but I do have a little bit of a 'middle aged man' belly. That is not to say I am not in decent shape. It is just to say that I don't have the metabolism I once did, and that I don't take the time I could to work out. But apparently, if I ever want to meet someone, I am going to have to start.
Perhaps I am fatter than I see myself as, kinda like the opposite of anorexia - I see myself as fine, but I am actually really fat. And perhaps it is such that women are repulsed by my belly. And if this is the case, my mom was right, and I have been allowing myself to be happy with who I am only through the delusion that I have been living under.
And to be honest, I probably deserve to be and feel this way. I used to give my ex stuff for being a little heavy sometimes, all the while getting bigger myself - the epitomy of hypocrisy. I guess the question now is, how will I deal with this? Will I change my lifestyle and start working out? Or will I simply do what I know best when it comes to this stuff and just give up.
Right now it's hard to say. I sure feel like giving up. But then again, I have said that several times over the last few weeks, and yet here I am, still putting my fat little butt out there. Wow - I don't know what hurts more : realizing that I am unattractively heavy, or admitting that my mom was right all along.

And here is a comment my favorite cuz left :

"I have a great idea...put on your profile that you just got off The Biggest Loser show and am looking for someone to be your exercise partner. You could say that you were 700 pounds and then they'll not even notice the "middle aged tire".
Listen retard, you're way off! And the above was sarcasm. Yes, as the therapist told me, "tearing of the flesh" and I'm not to use it anymore. Opps.
Love ya!"

Vicious circle

So I have an appt with Diana today, and I would be lying if I said I thought I was ever going to reallyget over these insecurity issues that have dogged me my whole life. I was thinking yesterday, and I realized that it is like a vicious circle : I don't attract any women, so I get insecure, which prevents me from attracting any women, which makes me more insecure, which further lessens my chances of attracting a woman, which...... ad inifinitum. The real question is, which came first - the insecurity, or the inability to attract women? Was I secure at one time, but then, not being able to attract the women (girls at that time) I wanted (important distinction, as I usually attracted some females, just never the ones I wanted), I became insecure? Or was I insecure from the get, and the females I wanted always sensed that and avoided me, causing me to be even more insecure? It really is an interesting question, at least to me. The chicken and the egg.

I have started to form the opinion lately that I will never truly get over this - that I am basically just broken. It's like a vase you drop - if it only breaks into 2 or 3 big pieces, you can usually glue it back together. But when it shatters completely, it is virtually impossible. I need to find a sliver of hope that one day, I won't feel this way; that I will love and accept myself and be happy with wherever I am in life, whether I have a woman or not. Man, would that be nice. It's not like I am not trying. I am working with my sponsor, seeing a counsellor, journallin here - I mean, I really am trying to do something. I just don't know if any of it, or all of it, is going to make any difference. I pray to God it does, because if this is as good as sobriety gets, I almost think I would rather be numb.

Lasting Effects

I just got an email from my cousin Carol, asking me what was going on - why I wasn't on Facebook anymore, and why I got rid of my blog. So I proceeded to write a long email to her, restating what I have already stated here. I added a little extra on my reply to her though, reminding her that when we were in our preteens not even she would give me the time of day. I was a short, awkward, big-nosed geek, and she was the gorgeous, blonde, big-boobed bombshell who wanted nothing to do with me. Now, some 25 years later, it seems as though she has forgotten that - but I haven't.

And in fact, I haven't been able to forget, or get past, all of the slights, humilitations, and bullying I suffered as a kid. That shit has stayed with me. And even though I have been in counselling for oever 6 years now, and worked the steps like 3 times, I still feel like that awkward, short, big nosed geek who couldn't attract a nice girl if his life depended on it. And I remember Carol ignoring me, treating me like I was "less than".... and it hurts - especially when I am depressesd like I am now.

You know what I used to wish, and still do sometimes? That every person in the world was blind; that we could no longer make any judgements based on appearance; that includes me too, because I am just as bad as everyone else - I judge by appearance. You bet I do. But I hate that I do - it's a part of me I detest, because I know that I consciously and unconsciously do to others what I hate so much to have done to me.

But, I am sure we would find some other way to "judge" others - by smell, by sound of their voice. I selfishly think to myself that maybe I would smell better than everyone else, so I could be one of the 'cool' ones in that world. I coudl be popular, and get any good-smelling woman I wanted. Yeah, right. Fuck that. Personally, I would rather be an orangutan, or something else entirely; something small and insignificant, like a pinworm. No worries, no cares, no self-esteem issues, no bullshit. It's amazing how good being a pinworm sounds, isn't it?

Insights on the Third Noble Truth

I found something today on the web, and I think it is just SO spot on, that I wanted to put it here for future reference :

"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better. I was brought up in America - the land of freedom. It promises the right to be happy, but what it really offers is the right to be attached to everything. America encourages you to try to be as happy as you can by getting things. However, if you are working with the Four Noble Truths, attachment is to be understood and contemplated; then the insight into non-attachment arises. This is not an intellectual stand or a command from your brain saying that you should not be attached; it is just a natural insight into non-attachment or non-suffering."
(from the site http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)

I especially like the part I have italicized - it rings so true. I was thinking this morning, that for me, the suffering of being "alone," of not having a mate, just seems so unbearable, and has for most of my life. I know about codependence, but the feelings I have go beyond just codependence and actually cause me suffering. I thought about why this is still so, especially after all the counselling and therapy I have had. Why doesn't that part of me just get "healed?" Why won't those feelings go away? And what the fuck is so wrong with me, that even after 6 years of sobriety, and working the steps multiple times, and going to meetings - even Codependents Anonymous meetings - and counselling, and therapy, etc..... do I still feel like this? I wish I could just cut myself open and rip out that piece of me that causes me to feel that way.

And so I have been thinking, just why is it so important for me to have someone? And I honestly think it has a lot to do with all of those stupid fucking fairy tales that we all hear as kids - ranging from the "Princess and the Frog" to the tales of the Bible. In so many of them, there is someone who is ugly or downtrodden - the Beast, the frog, Daniel, etc - and that person, becuase they are good at heart, is "miraculously" granted happiness in the form of either a mate (a beautiful mate too - that's important) who loves them for who they are, or some new place in society where they are respected and have some authority. The basic message? Be a good person, and no matter how bad/ugly/unfortunate you are, you will get what you most desire.

But we all know that is just simply bullshit. The ugly people don't get what they truly desire unless they are wealthy, or they just steal it. The ugly people don't 'miraculously' transform into beautiful people like the frog did - we stay ugly, and with age, get even more ugly with flab, wrinkles, bad teeth, etc. And the good people don't often win. In fact, they rarely win. Face it - for an ugly, short, athletically challenged kid like I was, it would have been much better to just tell me the truth about the way the world was so I could more easily accept my fate and my place in society; instead of filling my head with bullshit, only to have me reach adulthood and realize that none of that shit mattered on fuckin' bit. The rich, good looking assholes are the ones pulling in all the babes - not the "ugly ducklings."

And perhaps that's why I have some to like and appreciate Buddhism so much. There are no bullshit promises about what may happen to us - or at least what happened to other people - because they were so "good" and favored by God. When you are a good little kid who says his prayers every night and is kind to animals and such, and you get verbally abused by your mom and teased by kids at school, how can you help but think "why doesn't even God love me?" It's fucking cruel is what it is. Buddhism does not set up any of those false ideas. It says simply, that life is suffering, that there is a cause to suffering, that there is a way to be free from that suffering, and that there is a path leading to that liberation. Now that's an ideology I can believe in! Thank God that Christianity didn't wipe out all the other religions - thank God for Buddhism.