April '11 Update

Ok, so I have been living life and actually have stuff to do at my new job and therefore have not been blogging much. I think I have pretty much come to the conclusion that for me, blogging is something I do mostly to help combat boredom. And since I haven't been bored, no blogging.

So what has been happening lately... Well, rather than post some long-winded explanation, I will just do a bullet-list style this time :

- I went in and got my eyes checked (was having a lot of headaches and squinting a lot). Ended up getting glasses, and was surprised at just how fuzzy myv vision had gotten. And here I had been wondering for like the last 2 or 3 years why noone else in movie theaters was upset at how out of focus the movie was! Ha!

- I have been working with my sponsee Holmes, got him up to the 7th step now. He's still sober so far.

- I finally got a new sponsor myself after not having spoken to Richard in at least 4 or 5 months. I asked Rich C from my Happy Hour homegroup to sponsor me last week. So far, really glad I did too.

- Galen is back out of the house again after me coming home this week to find an empty seal that wreaked of pot on the couch. There was no big blowup this time. He wasn't home and hasn't come home since. I told him he could stay at Alex's for a couple of weeks to decide if it was more important to live at home or to keep smoking pot. It's hard to believe for me that after everything his mom and I have gone through that he would choose to walk that hard path, but it's his choice to make. I just don' want drugs or drug paraphernalia in my house.

- My new job is going awesome, and I am SOOO glad to be here. They really seem to appreciate me, and I feel both respected and wanted.

- My motorcycle broke down Tuesday night, leaving me at the Thomas road exit off the SR51, I ended up pushing it to the AM PM on 16th st and Thomas and getting it towed home the next night (Wednesday). I haven't had much of a chance to look at it, but am planning to dive in and see if I can figure something out when I get off today at 1pm.

And, most important - to me anyway - Debbie and I are doing awesome. I love her with all my heart and so wish that I could get out of my condo and we could get something together. I'm not quite sure how that is possibly going to work out anytime in the next year or 2 or 5, but I pray it will.

Ok, that's it for now. Thanks be to God, the Program and the Universe for all the good stuff in my life. And ultimately, it's truly all good... : )

Questionable role model for Tessi

I debated for a bit over whether or not to post anything about this,-mainly because of pure laziness! Lol. But I think it is worth journalling a bit about, as it is something I am a little concerned about. Over the last several months, Tessi has been building a stronger and stronger relationship with Carrie. It has gotten to the point that she calls Carrie "mom", and her real mom Sam. For the most part, Carrie has been very loving to Tessi and spent a good amount of time with. I am concerned however that Carrie is not the best role model for Tessi, and in all honesty, I don't really like Carrie that much. She has displayed a pattern of irresponsibility and an inability to work a regular job and support herself. Both of those things for me are strong indicators of a person's character, and in both areas, I think she is lacking. Still, I know how important the relationship is to Tessi, so I have let it continue. But after what I found out last night, I am questioning that decision.

As she was getting ready for bed, Tessi asked me if I had found a $20 bill in any of her pants pockets when I was doing laundry. I told her that I hadn't, and asked her where she got one in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that she and Carrie had returned some sandals I had bought for her, and that instead of getting new sandals, they took some of the money and bought Taco Bell, and put a little gas in Carrie's tank with it. The $20 she was referring to was what was left after that. I was extremely upset upon hearing this, as I couldn't believe that : 1 - they had taken the shoes back for money instead of exhanging them like they were supposed to. 2 - that they spent some of the money on food and gas after I had already given Carrie $20. And 3 - that Carrie allowed this to happen, and even participated in it. What kind of message does that send? That it's ok to take spend other people's money as you see fit without even asking them? No bueno in my book.

Of course I was upset at Tessi. But a part of me is even more upset at Carrie for not saying something to the effect of, "No Tessi - we shouldn't spend that money unless we ask your dad. You were supposed to get shoes with it, and we need to save it for that." Unfortunately, Carrie has a history of - how can I put this kindly - "leaning on people" a little too much, to the point that they actually just have to cut her off from help. It's enough that she lost her 4 kids to CPS, but worse that she can't find and keep a job. And instead of really looking for work, it seems to me she spends more of her time trying to figure out how to get the military to pay for stuff or help her out or trying to concoct other 'schemes' to come up with money.

On top of all this, she (Carrie) told me last night that she was in the middle of some "conflicting story" situation between TASC and Terros : apparently, TASC said she came up dirty on 2 UA's, but Terros said she didn't. She swears she is clean, and said she is even going to do a hair follicle test to prove it. But the mere fact that this is happening is a red flag to me - yet another indicator of the chaos and unmanageability of her life. And it is just those things that I don't want Tessi to pick up from someone who is supposed to be a 'motherly' role model. Even though Tessi vehemently disagrees, Carrie reminds me more and more of Sam all the time : the scheming, the blaming of other people/entities for her problems, the inability to work a real job. All of these things are things that I do NOT want Tessi to model.

So I am thinking I am going to call Carrie today over lunch (in about an hour) and talk to her about this shoe return issue. I would really like some kind of explanation, even though there is nothing she can really say that will cause me to think any differently about her or the situation. I also want to discuss the importance of being a good role model, and ask her what she is doing to find some real employment. I can't continue to give her money to support her driving around. The last thing I need is to be supporting some full-grown adult who is simply unable, or unwilling, to carry their own weight.

I am hoping that, in time, Tessi will build a stronger bond with Debbie, who is a MUCH better role model and better person all the way around. I am also thinking that as soon as I get some insurance going through my work here - actually, probably before - I am going to try to get some counselling scheduled for Tess. I think it would help her a lot to talk to some objective, wiser woman who could help her make some decisions based on ideas and knowledge she may not currently even be aware of. My primary goal is simply to raise a responsibly, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted daughter who can stand up to life's challenges and be her own woman. Not another "societal dependent" who is always looking for ways to have other people support them. I feel a little icky even saying that in reference to Carrie and Sam, but it's hard to see it any other way. It sounds so cliche', but I really want what's best for Tessi. And I just don't think that Carrie is it.

Gesture of love and kindness

Just a little mini-update here : yesterday morning while we were talking on the phone, Debbie offered to come over and see me before I had to go to my HOA meeting. I took her up on it, and we met at the Starbucks on 7th ave and Missouri for about an hour. It was really, really good to be able to meet and talk in person, and I was - I am - so grateful that she came over to my side of town so we could do that.

I think that is another perfect example of just why I love her so much : because she is willing to go out of her way to make sure I am ok, and to make sure that I know how much she cares about me. I sometimes think of things in absolutes, and when it comes to comparing present experiences with past ones, that seems to hold true. I often find myself thinking "no one has EVER done this for me before," "no one was EVER good to me like this", etc. In fact, chances are that some of my past girlfriends were, and I just was not able to see it at those times. So maybe I am a little overly biased when it comes to this stuff.

But whatever the case may be, she definitely seems to know more often than not exaclty what my heart and head need to feel loved and cared for. And that is absolutely precious to me. This woman is THE most beautiful woman I have ever dated (on this, I am sure!) and to think that she is also the most loving and carig - well, what a miraculous blessing that is.

What a difference a day makes, eh?

Trust issues...?

I titled this post that way because I am not really sure how to describe the latest little situation that occurred between Debbie and I. So, I will just lay it out, and then maybe a fitting title will reveal itself. I spent the night over at her place Friday night and we had a very nice time. She came over to my place Saturday night, and again, we had a nice time. I was a little concerned that she would have to go home early again this Sunday as she so often has to when she comes over to my place, but she received a text from Megan early Sunday morning saying that they (Megan, Mike, Evan and Emilee) were all up very late and would be sleeping most of the day. In her words, she told Debbie "you are off the hook" - meaning that we 'should' have most of the day together.

We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.

When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.

After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.

So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.

We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.

Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.

Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.

What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.

Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...