I titled this post that way because I am not really sure how to describe the latest little situation that occurred between Debbie and I. So, I will just lay it out, and then maybe a fitting title will reveal itself. I spent the night over at her place Friday night and we had a very nice time. She came over to my place Saturday night, and again, we had a nice time. I was a little concerned that she would have to go home early again this Sunday as she so often has to when she comes over to my place, but she received a text from Megan early Sunday morning saying that they (Megan, Mike, Evan and Emilee) were all up very late and would be sleeping most of the day. In her words, she told Debbie "you are off the hook" - meaning that we 'should' have most of the day together.
We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.
When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.
After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.
So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.
We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.
Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.
Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.
What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.
Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...
We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.
When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.
After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.
So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.
We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.
Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.
Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.
What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.
Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...
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