I know I'm really down when I don't even want to expend the energy to write about it. And I am really down today. Debbie and I have fallen into a pattern where, almost every Saturday night, she hits me with some "surprise" nugget of information she wants to talk about, and most often, it is something about how I'm not doing enough to show I love her, or I have said or done something that made her doubt, or something to that effect. It has led to several horrible Saturday nights in bed, where neither of us gets much sleep, and we both wake up feeling icky. Inevitably, we talk it over, and go on with the day. She seems to be able to get past it quickly. But because it always seems to be about ME, and what I am/am not doing, it lingers, and I end up feeling down Sunday, and most often times Monday too. Like today.
This last Saturday (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.
So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.
She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.
Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.
Now what pissed - and pisses - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.
At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.
But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.
We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.
I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.
This last Saturday (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.
So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.
She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.
Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.
Now what pissed - and pisses - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.
At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.
But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.
We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.
I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.
