Well, it seems Deb and I have bounced back nicely from the little communication mishap the other night. And in fact, things have been heating up quite a bit lately. She has started to be much more forward about her desires, and has said outright that she can't wait to get me naked and that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Of course, this has meant that I have been harder for even longer periods of time, and have been basically living with a little bit of pre-cum in my undies constantly for a number of days now! Lol. I think I am literally going to explode the first time we get together. I have never been this worked up about a woman, and looked forward this much to being with someone.
I am only hoping that I can make it long enough to actually get to the point of being inside her. As excited and excitable as I have been, as pretty and sweet as she is, as nice a body as she has, the eagerness with which I am looking forward to seeing her naked - all these things conspire to have me cum three or four times before we ever get to that point! I guess I can hope that I am able to bring her to climax in a number of other ways - ways that I VERY much look forward to practicing on her... I have been fantasizing about - and I think this probably sounds a little weird, in fetish kind of way - caressing and kissing the tops of her feet. That, and going down on her like nobody's business!
We are supposed to be having an actual evening date, with no set time to have to be back to any kids or anything, this Saturday night. I am thinking chances are pretty high that we will get to act out some of these fantasies then. I am sure hoping so anyway. Otherwise, I think there is a serious risk of me actually DYING from blue balls! I know that Sunday, my nads hurt SO bad after we parted, for about 3 hours after. I was worried I might actually have to go to the doctor! We had gotten quite passionate in her car before we parted, and I felt the results of it.
On another subject entirely, I met with John and Ben last night for our annual "KBJ holiday dinner." We ate at Sauce and had a great time talking and catching up. I am blessed to have had such cool classmates and grateful that we have maintained our friendships long after school was over. Seems like they are both doing well too - especially John, as he bought a house in San Antonio and is really happy. Ben is still living with his parents. He bought a house, but is working on fixing it up I guess. He's a nice kid, definitely a unique person.
Life is good right now, it really is. I am just trying to take it as it comes, keep my meditation up, and be the best me I can be. So far, that seems to be working pretty well : )
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Communication is so fragile, also my issues about it
Turns out I still have issues with communication - surprise surprise! Yesterday was another one of those days where I sent a number of texts and emails, and only received a couple of texts back, and I allowed myself to get a little twisted about it. Now you would think that after the times that I have spent with Deb so far, and the way our relationship has progressed, and the work I have supposedly done on this issue, I would not allow myself to get worked up about it. But it seems I still have some work to do, as I did get a little passive aggressive last night on the phone, disappointed because I had sent her what I considered to be one of the most romantic emails ever, of all time, and didn't even get a response back. How dare she! Lol.
It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.
We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.
She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.
As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.
There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.
And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....
It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.
We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.
She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.
As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.
There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.
And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....
Monday, December 27, 2010
A nice relaxing Christmas, and the best keeps getting better,
today is yet another one of those "super slow inbetween holidays boss out on PTO extremely quiet inbetween project" days where I don't have a whole lot going on, so I slipped over the the not-so-secret TAS network to goof off a bit and do some blogging. Christmas was very mellow this year and we had a nice time. We went out to M & K's for Christmas Eve and enjoyed some homemade fajitas that Kristina and Marsh made. It was really fun hanging out and goofing with Q while they were making dinner. She was very social and warm, and we really had a lot of fun. After dinner, we played some Wii bowling on a system they had borrowed from some friends, and it was a gas. Tess beat the pants off Galen, Marshal and me, and we all had an awesome time while she did so. I think the kids really liked the gifts I got them too - the big ones being a 22" flatscreen tv for Galen, and the zebra stripe "bed in a bag" that Tessi had been wanting. That's not to mention that I had already given Tessi her new touchscreen phone, and already reactivated Galen's phone for Christmas as well.
Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.
Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!
The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.
Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.
Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.
Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!
The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.
Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Really??? No - really?
I was looking at the title of my post yesterday, and thinking of the pure irony of the fact that today, my blog is once again available by clicking "view this site now" - what the?!?! That's it - it's a conspiracy to drive me insane, plain and simple! Lol
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Yaaayyyy! I can get to my blog again! (oh yeah - and other updates...)
Wow, what do you know - I can access my blog again at work without having to bypass the web filter by clicking "View this site now." Yaaayyyy! I know, I know - it probably isn't the most productive or ethical thing for me to be blogging at work. But, I look at it like this : according to the state of Arizona labor laws, a person who works 8 hours is entitled to two 15 minute breaks in addition to lunch (and I know this is true from having done a little factory/warehouse work in my past). And, in the past, I would have taken these perdiods to smoke a cig. It's just that now, instead of smoking a cig (I quit New Year's Eve of 2006), I blog. How's that for a good rationalization/justification - written like a true addict! Haha
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Friday, December 17, 2010
GOTTA' say it somewhere
I just have to say this somewhere, so I am saying it here, loud and clear : I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH DEBBIE!!! Like head over heels, can't stop thinking about her, she has everything mentally AND physically I have ever wanted, have literally felt like I am in a romantic comedy in love. Last night, we met at Borders again, and I can honestly say that there were things that happened that were so awesome - I mean things that could only (or so I thought) happen in one of those movies. The best one of those was when we were kissing goodbye, and we had started to walk away from each other for the third or fourth ot fifth time, and all of a sudden, she turned back, ran towards me, and literally jumped on me! It was so, so - awesome! It wasn't some lustful type jump, but more of a "I'm crazy about you and don't want to let you go" type of jump. She even smacked my face a little on accident, and I said something that sounded totally like out of a movie; I said "Girl you are crazy! And as long as you are crazy about me, it's all good" or something like that.
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track
Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Yet....? Uh oh - first bumps in this new road
Ealier today I was thinking about writing another post, but thought it would be rather redundant to just say again "things are wonderful." And it's probably a good thing I didn't, as I now have something much more interesting to write about.
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Haven't messed up yet! haha
Ok, so that could be seen as a negative title. But, I look at it like this : for once, I am seeing that the person most responsible for all the breakups I have encountered is no one other than me. I used to like to say or think that I truly believed that, but I don't know that I ever accepted at a deep level within myself. Now, as I look back, I can see that more often than not - if not every single time - it was my issues, and not the ladies' that led to the demise of the relationships. So by making the funny statement that I did for the title is a fun way for me to acknowledge that and remind myself that everything is going well - it is for me to "mess up" or not. One would think that this realization would be a given, considering the fact that every breakup I have ever had, with the one exception being my marriage, was initiated by me. D'oh!
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
One step closer to the dream...
Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dare I say it - dream girl...?
That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!
Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
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