Same shit, different day

I just read my last post and thought to myself the very words in the title of this post. It truly is amazing to me that after all the therapy, psychoactive medications, AA meetings and other things I have engaged in to "cure" my depression, it is painfully obvious that much like my addiction, there is no cure - there is only acceptance that it will always be there and management of the disease.

Last night, I completely fucking lost it. I screamed and yelled like I don't think I ever have before; so hard in fact that my throat (vocal chords presumably) was burning in pain. I came home depressed after finding out that, contrary to my belief and against my wishes, Tessi had stayed home from school yet again. I called the office to try to make an appointment to come in and talk to the asst. principal about it, and the attendance lady (who knows me by voice now) told me that the truancy officer had been in earlier and mentioned that he wants to cite Tessi into court for excessive truancies, which could mean time lost from work and a $250 fine for me.

When I got home, I went into the bedroom and assumed the position : laying down, fetal position, wishing myself away. When Debbie got home, she was upset of course. She tries, at least I think she does, to be supportive, but all I really feel from her is anger and disappointment, which just makes things worse. We were supposed to have "date night," and even though I had a pounding headache, I told her I was still committed to that. So I got up and we went to the store to get some stuff for dinner.

After we got home, she started talking about money, and how she wanted to give me $620 for rent, which would leave her basically broke for the week. I told her that she didn't need to do that, and she went on to explain how she feels "guilty," that she think she spends more than she brings in, that she wants to pay her share, and ultimately - what came out in the end, was that she has a very hard time with the fact that I make more than she does. She doesn't want to think that she isn't doing her fair share.

Now if she had gone about this all in a positive, matter-of-fact way, it might not have gone badly. But the fact  is, she seemed very down about it, and we even ended up getting into a small argument about it. I told her that it was silly for her to give me all her money, only to leave herself broke so that I would have to give some back so she would have money for things during the week. She then went into some martyr mode where she said she could just do without, that she didn't want to spend any money on herself, that she didn't need any coffee, blah blah blah. Thing is, I have told her SEVERAL times that it doesn't bug me to help support her and the kids, that it's my pleasure, and that I view the money I make as OURS - not mine. And NEVER have I made any mention of the fact that it's ME who really supports the family - it all comes from her head.

Being completely frustrated, I asked her if she would like me to quit my job and work at Taco Bell so she could make more than me - if that would make her feel better. And in the way that so many women seem to be so good at, she seemed almost incredulous, as if the answer was "yes, that would make me feel better" - knowing that would lower all of our standard of living. Then, in another classic twist, she said, "Well, if it would make YOU feel better, I would support it." ????? At that point, I pretty much gave up, and decided that instead of going on date night, I was going to into bed and end the night.

I told her I didn't feel well and was going to bed. She followed me into the room, we started arguing, and I just BLEW : I was not going to be talked over again. No, I yelled louder than I have ever yelled in my life. And I yelled about Tessi and the fact that she couldn't find it in herself to go to school; I yelled about the fact that I had been abused when I was a kid, yet I still went to work every day; I yelled about the fact that I make too much money for Debbie, and too little for Tessi; I yelled saying that I was going to leave, that everyone would be better if I blew my brains out; I yelled that she could leave and take Tessi, the dog and everyone else with her;  I SCREAMED about everything. And when I was done, I felt like I had expended every amount of energy in my body. Surprisingly, Debbie came up and actually hugged me and said she loved me - the most supportive thing she has done yet. Then, I laid down and went to bed.

When she came into bed, she was distant and seemed pretty much like she didn't want to touch me or me to touch her. I asked her if she would prefer that I didn't touch her, and she said "I didn't say that." Of course she didn't. But her body language sure did. It was a crummy night of sleep, and I woke up this morning extremely tired, wondering if I would even be able to make it to work. Alas, I did, and her I sit writing this. I just called Diana to see if I could make an appointment and fate would have it that the only time she has available this week is tomorrow at 4:30. Thing is, I made an appointment for Tessi to see a counselor tomorrow at 5pm, so that's not going to work for me. I guess this week, I am just going to have to tough it out.

Last night, I wasn't quite as suicidal as I have been in the past (like in my last post), but I sure was wishing for respite. I am just so tired. It seems like I spend my whole life pushing : pushing Tessi to go to school, pushing Debbie to accept the fact that I enjoy providing, pushing Debbie to accept that it's ok for her to join Weight Watchers, that we CAN afford it (that was another point of contention last night), pushing Cooper to stop peeing on the floor; pushing pushing pushign. I just don't want to push anymore. I'm tired.

So again, I offer up my plea for the asteroid to hit; again I beseech God or whoever to end this insanity that is my life, in SOBRIETY no less! Hell, I may as WELL be getting high right now, as unmanageable, erratic and crazy as my life is. I sometimes wonder if being sober is all it's cracked up to be right now.

But I will stay sober. I will stay at work and finish out the day. I will do what I am "supposed" to do, what I am expected to do, if for no other reason than I don't want the guilt of not doing it, and I want to be able to say "See! I'm all screwed up and I still carried on!" Ahhh yes, that good ol' stubborn pride. Nice to know that it's good for something.

But that's not to say that I still don't think about just running away. In fact, last night, that's where my thoughts were instead of suicide - thinking of going away to the mountains and just sitting on a mountaintop and waiting to die, starving myself to death. For some reason, it just sounded like the right thing to do. And who knows - if things keep up, if this cycle keeps going the way it is, with each successive blowup getting worse than the one before, it might not be long til that mountaintop finds me. 

Cynicism - the (new) American pasttime

I was going to post this on my 'humorous' site, "The Numbsung Hero," but after thinking about it, realized it' not really that funny. In fact, it is more sad than anything else. I have noticed lately that any time I send an email out about some new proposal or some new idea that is being tossed around, almost everyone comes back with some form of negative response, basically something like, "oh, that will never happen." The latest example was an email I sent out about a gov't study being funded to determine the feasibility of developing a bullet train between Las Vegas and Phoenix. I thought this was kind of exciting, and something worth checking out.

But instead of excitement, most of the replies I got were things like I wrote above - it will never happen, not in our lifetime, blah blah blah. At first, I wanted to get angry at "those" people, and stand in righteous judgment saying "THEY are so cynical and negative - how dare they!" But then I started thinking about my views on politics... on the nature of manangement at my company, and in America in general... about the division of wealth between the poorest and the richest. And suddenly, I realized that what really irks me about all these people is that they reflect a part of me that I don't like - that part that is so cynical and jaded that it sees no hope of change - ever. Looking at this, I wonder I many people think that I am one of those negative, cynical people they would rather not talk or listen to about certain things.

I think this is one of the clearest examples I have ever experienced in my own life of that principle that basically says "you spot it, you got it;" that those things we see in others that really irrirate us are those things in ourselves that we don't like. Knowing that, I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be cynical anymore - or at least not outwardly. I don't want to foster hopelessness, even if that is what I am thinking about something inside. I want to be someone who sees the positive, and who believes that there is always hope, and who speaks and acts in a manner that demonstrates that. That's who I want to be.

So from today forward, I pledge to make a conscious effort to be more positive about every subject - even those that I have viewed so negatively for so long, like politics. And I can practice the old practice of not saying anything unless I have something nice to say. Maybe I can't change the entire world; maybe I can't stop hunger, war, or hatred; maybe I can't change the way politics are practiced. But what I can do is change the way I present myself to the world and the energy I exude. Yep, that I can do. And I am going to, starting right now : )

Surviving

That is the way to describe the weekend - I survived it. I was sick most of the weekend, still feeling like crap. I was able to pretty much lay around all day Saturday, which was nice - I needed it. Sunday morning I woke up, and Galen had left a bit of a mess in the living room and left the computer desk totally trashed. He basically spent all day Saturday on the computer, and it showed. So I decided to lock him out of the computer again - to ground him from it for a while. And, as is typical, he was asking me yesterday afternoon already if he could get on for a few to "check something." I said no, and when he asked me when he would be able to get back on again, I said whenever I decided.

I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.

And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.

Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.

Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.

One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.

But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.