Update on pen pal

I have thought about posting a number of times lately, and then always decided against it because I really didn't think I had much to post about. But, I am wanting a break from some rather monotonous coding I am doing (generating a PDF document in the code behind - fun stuff!), and I don't have any fun emails to read or responses to send out, so here I am : )

First off, I can say that I did find a pen pal - at least I think I did. I got an email back from this woman named Joanie who is supposedly some meditation retreat leader, saying that she was surprised at how many similarities we share and asking me to send a pic along, as she likes to have a visual of the person she is communicating with. So I sent her a response last night along with a couple of pics. Haven't heard back from her yet, but I am trying to keep in mind that I am what you might call a "hyper-communicator," and that 99% of the population does not, and will not be able to keep up with the frequency or timeliness of my communication. That one has proved to be very challenging for me - to realize how unrealistic my expectations are in that area, and to accept that it is I who has the 'issue,' and the other 99% of the population. I'm still trying to find a "work-around" for that realization! Ha ha

In other news, I took a couple of days off this last weekend - the Friday before and the Monday after, and was really stoked to get some good stuff done. First, I finally got around to really looking into the "Lamp Out" warning light on my truck, and decided to pull the tail light covers off and see if, just maybe, the actual bulbs themselves were burnt out. I remembered Ty telling me some time back that one of them was out, and if both were now, it seemed likely that it wasn't a switch issue (as the guy at Jiffy Lube suggested) because if it was, they both would have gone out at the same time. So, I checked the owner's manual out, found out how to take the covers off, did that, and lo and behold - both of the bulbs WERE burned out! So I ran to Checker, bought some new ones for $5, put 'em in, and after 4 or 5 months, the Lamp Out light is finally off. Yaaayyy!

Then, I thought I would stop by the Banner Federal Credit Union to see about refinancing my truck. I was hoping maybe I could get a better interest rates and lower my payment a bit. But because I had applied for a credit card or 2 lately (so I could try to consolidate all my credit cards) and been declined, I was a little leery about, thinking I might not qualify. But I went down and filled out an app anyway to give it a shot. About 2 hours later, the lady called me on my cell, and from the sound of her voice, I could tell I had been declined. But I hadn't - I was APPROVED! I was (and still am) sooooo stoked! I got my rate lowered to 5.9% interest, and my monthly payments, over the same term (3 yrs left) will be $100 lower. To top it off, she said my credit looked good, that there were no negatives on it, and that even my BK wasn't showing up. I felt like I won the lottery, but even better, seeing as how I have really worked hard to manage my credit responsibly and make all my payments on time. I am carrying balances that are too high (65%+) on my credit cards - that she acknowledged - but that's it, all she saw that could be negative.

In other, somewhat more somber news, I heard from Todd that Big Rob from CA passed away this weekend and was found deceased in his house. That same night, Saturday, Randall wrecked his motorcycle and is apparently in critical condition in the ICU at John C Lincoln North. I haven't really gotten any details on that yet - I don't think anyone has really. I do know, from what I read on his FB wall and from what Kathy B told me, that he had some head trauma, and was fading in and out of consciousness. He was one of those "no gear" riders, and unfortunately, it sounds like that might have really worked against him as far as the head injury goes. I just hope he comes out of it ok and that there is no serious or lasting brain injury.

So yeah, I guess there really was a lot to write about, wasn't there? It's funny, my perspective... if there is no major chaos in my personal life, or no major issues I am dealing with, I tend to think I have nothing to write about; perhaps because I use writing in my journal as a form of therapy. But, and a couple of people (including Diana) have suggested this to me, I need to acknowledge the good stuff too, and to realize that it is just as worthy of being captured in my journal, and just as therapeutic as the other stuff. And I guess, by writing this today, I am starting to see that... Either that, or I am just REALLY bored!!! Ha ha ha!

Looking for a pen pal

I decided to take an entirely different approach at things last night. I was thinking about how it is the communication aspect I like so much about the whole 'relationship' thing, and so I thought if maybe there were some ways, other than looking for a "match" on some dating site, that I might be able to find a good, old-fashioned pen pal - someone to correspond with in a friendly manner about day to day things; someone objective to share thoughts and feelings with; someone to get to know who lives an entirely separate life. So I decided to hit the net and see what I could find.

Well, to my somewhat surprise (not total though), I found that most of the so-called pen pal sites that I found through Google were simply dating sites by another name. Sure, some of them had all the trappings of a legit pen pal site - 'make friends, spread peace and understanding, blah blah blah...' when in reality, they are just dating sites under another name. After poking around for awhile, and even creating a profile on one of the sites only to delete it after finding out what it really was, I finally came across one that just might be legit - and yet sounds like it wouldn't be - oh, the irony : penpalparty.com.

So I created a profile, and even sent off a message to a lady I found through the site who sounds like she might be interesting. Supposedly, she is a meditation retreat leader, so I am thinking she might be interesting to correspond with. She sent me a brief email this morning, which I sent a rather lengthy reply to. But I have not yet heard back from her. Who knows what will come of it. I definitely have NO expectations about it. I just think it would be fun to have that kind of relationship with someone - purely, by its very nature, platonic, and based solely on personality and character. It sounds fascinating to me. Of course, that opportunity has always existed, but for some reason, knowing that the person is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away makes it even more intriguing.

I was thinking today that I want to modify my profile tonight to mention that I would really like to correspond with a woman from Europe. I think it would be fascinating to run some things by her and see how different their attitudes are about certain things - or perhaps how similar they are. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have some serious issues with American women, and am curious to know if it is really just American women, or all women in general! Ha ha! Hopefully this will turn out to be fun.

Tonight I have an appt with Diana and I am planning on talking to her a bit about the holidays and how I don' want to do them this year as I have in the past, by going to Mike and Teri's. I am curious to find out what she will say. On a similar note, Galen went to see his counsellor for the first time without me last night, and I think it went pretty well - especially considering some of the things he was talking about last night - things like that fact that he thinks he wants to become a biomedical engineer or something so he can work on finding the cure for cancer (what the...?) It was pretty hard for me to believe, as up this point, his life goal has been to be a tattoo artist or manager at Zia's. I can't help but think his counsellor must have talked to him a bit about his choices in life and later career opportunities. Of course, it remains to be seen if he sticks with his newfound academic dedication (he said as part of this that he is going to stop ditching and start working hard to pull his grades up so he can get into a good university).

But I am grateful for any small amount of hope in any form it comes in at this point. Things have seemed so bleak with hi for so long that even a little thing like this is very, very welcome - albeit incredibly strange and somewhat unbelievable too! Lol. Overall, we have been getting along much better too, so the house has been much more peaceful - thank God for that. Well, almost meeting time. Good thing to, as I have had NO motivation to do anything like work for the last week or 2. I decided to take this Friday and the following Monday off on PTO. Maybe that little break will help recharge my "development batteries" so I can find SOME shred of motivation again. I sure hope so! Ha ha

Blah blah blah

I am sitting here feeling kind of blah. Not really feeling down or anything - just kind of blah. I was thinking that it would be cool to start up some kind of pen pal relationship with someone, but electronically. Looking back at the relationships I have had recently, I realize that is the one thing I really miss (other than the sex - at least in Tina's case anyway) : the correspondence. I really like corresponding with someone, emailing, texting... it's fun. Even moreso than talking on the phone I think.

I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.

I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.

I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.

I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.

Truly, really, honestly done - at least for the foreseeable future

It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.

I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.

I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.

Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.

Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.

Miracles do happen

Last night, as we sat down to dinner, Galen got upset at Tessi for "lying" : she asked if she could say a blessing, and I said as long as it didn't include something about her doing well in cheerleader tryouts, as that wasn't appropriate. She came back with a little "I know," then hesitated, and said "never mind." Well, Galen took that to be 'lying,' and he got all uspet about it. He kept going on and on about it, adding comments about how I used to beat him with a belt whenever he lied, and wondering why Tessi didn't get the same. I of course disputed his claims, but he kept ranting and ranting and raving until I finally ended up asking him to leave the table - which he did.

He left after dinner for a while, to go to Anthony's he said. About 2 hours later he came back home, and to my complete and utter amazement, he apologized for getting all upset at dinner - all on his own, without me saynig a word, and in a very honest and genuine way. I was flabbergasted! I can't remember him ever doing such a thing, especially completely of his own volition. It was funny, because after he did, Tessi was going into the bathroom to take a shower and said, "don't take this the wrong way, but it's about time." Leave it to her to say what I wanted to in some sense but didn't! Fortunately, I don't think he heard it, as I was concerned that would just start something else.

Later last night and this morning, I found myself thinking "what does he want?" It seems the only reasonable explanation I could come up with for such a display of true remorse is that he wants something - money, privileges, more hair dye, something. And so he has to butter me up so when he asks, I am more likely to say yes. As of this morning, he hasn't asked. Oh, and I almost forgot - to top things off, after he apologized, he actually got a notebook out and started working on homework! Talk about the end of days or something. At that point, I was truly fearful that perhaps I had died and crossed over, or that he had been replaced with an automaton or something (of course, that would not really be so much frightnening as just plain interesting...)

So I guess today I will find out, probably by this evening, if it truly was merely a ploy to prepare me for the asking. Or, if by some strange miracle, he actually is starting to take SOME small interest in something other than being contrary, divisive, uncaring and lazy. Either way, it was nice to hear an actual apology, even if it was merely to manipulate me. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get! Ha ha!

The voice unheard

Today we have a meeting at work to go over results of an employee survey called "The Voice of the Employee" where we gave feedback about our job, our directors, etc. Typically, these things have been seen as a sham, because everyone just answers all 5's (where 5 is "everything is hunky dory) because if they don't, then we all have to come up with some kind of 'action plan' to address the things that need worked on. And because this basically just amounts to more work for everyone, and no one wants to do it, they just answer "everything's great." So, in essence, it is completely worthless.

This new survey replaced the old one we used to have, the Q12, and is supposed to somehow be better. I honestly don't think it will, can't see how it is really any different. And because Al is not so good at accepting constructive criticism - at least not in my personal experience - I think it is going to be absolutely pointless. I, for one, don't plan on saying a word. I have already had some negative experiences with him when I tried to voice my opinion about things, so I will speak only when facts are involved. To me, this is more like a "speak up so I can identify who likes me and thinks I'm great and who doesn't." If he was a good manager, and had good communication skills, it might be an actual feedback session where we all work together to figure out ways to improve processes and communication. But he is neither, so it won't be.

I think that after this one, if it goes like I think it is going to, I am going to send an email to a higher up and ask what the real point of these things is, and state my belief that they are a waste of time. I think someone needs to know, if for no other reason that to just be able to excuse myself from them because I find them so uncomfortable. We'll see though - maybe today will be different. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's almost like thinking that maybe within the next month or 2 I will find some beautiful, wonderful woman to share a relationship with - HA HA HA HA HA! Lol!

Hey, it's better to laugh at this stuff and find some humor in it. Because to me, it's like wanting the sky to be green, and really not liking that it is blue : I can either scream and cry about it, making myself and everyone else miserable, be all bummed, hopeless and depressed about it feeling helpless, or I can just accept it and find the humor in the situation. For years, I wanted to be the "agent of change." And the only change it ever created was in the attitudes of people - usually my superiors - towards me, from good to bad. Today, I am ok with, as John Lennon said, "just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll...."

Feeling better, thank goodness

I have started getting back to feeling good over the last few days, and after almost 2 weeks of depression, I am very grateful. I got a much needed break from both kids this weekend, as Galen stayed over at Alex's and Tessi over at Gen's. I really needed it, and I made good use of it too. Saturday, I went to my first ACoA meeting, and it was very, very good. I am definitely going to start attending regularly. It almost reminded me of some of the better Knights retreats I went on, where people got real honest and expressed a lot of emotion, a lot of hurt and pain. I could TOTALLY relate to what people shared too, and that was nice. So I will definitely go back again this Satruday.

Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.

Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed -  not to  mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.

This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!

Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...

Darned bed bugs

I had a nice session with Diana last night and came out with some great material I am going to use to create some "scripts" for me to use to help reprogram my thoughts and get unstuck, and away from all the negative self-talk. She took me through some rational self-analysis exercises and we focused on 2 primary areas : dating, and Galen. So there is some good work to be done there. But today, I am more interested in capturing some other interesting, albiet unwelcome news, about my life : bed bugs in my bedroom, and the headache they have created.

Actually, instead of retyping all this, I am going to refer myself (recursion - nice!) to a post I put on a bedbug forum : (put the link here...)

Last night, after getting the new bed and boxspring, I found a bedbug again - under my pillow. So I called Burns Pest Elimination, and they said they can send a dog out, that it costs $150, and $20 per room. So basically, $170 to just do my bedroom. After spending over $750 on a new bed and bedding, all I can say is yowch! I think I am going to stick out for another week or 2 and see if I come across any more of the critters. If I do, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and have them come out, because I can't stand knowing they are around - a SERIOUS heebie jeebie thing!

So I am praying that I don't find any more. I am thinking that tonight I am going to take the new pillows I bought - the 2 bed ones from JC Penney, throw pillow from WalMart, and seat pad for meditation from Ross - to the local laundromat and dry the hell out of them to kill any bugs or eggs that may have come from them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they may have "ridden in" on one of those pillows. Lord I hope so - I really don't want to have to cough up a ton of cash to get rid of those things. I wonder if this is one of the "plagues" that the Bible warned about - first locusts, and frogs - now bedbugs. Can I request that we get the locusts back please? At least you can keep them out of the house and still get  a good night's sleep! Lol : )

Slow but steady

Things seem to be continuing to improve, both with my mental state and with my relationship with Galen, slowly and steadily. I think the counselling session may have really helped and am glad I finally got some going for him. I know my session with Diana helped a lot. I am seeing her again in about 2 and a half hours. I was thinking that maybe when I saw her Monday night, we would skip the appt I originally had scheduled for today. But she seemed to think, and I agreed, that it might be a good idea to go ahead and come in today too.

In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.

I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?

Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.

A break in the clouds

Last night I had a session with Diana, and it provided me with some much needed time to reprogram my self-talk, destress, and get back on some kind of positive track. When I got to her office at 7:50pm, I was a total mess. Just before I left home, Galen had snuck out and left a message saying he would be back to watch Tess. I got extremely upset, thinking that he had left to intentionally stress me out. And of course, I have already been majorly stressed out from his behavior and poor attendance/performance at school. Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had gone into work early so I could leave early and take him to his first counselling appt (which went very well, btw). So there was a thought (almost said feeling - getting back to the ABC's - more about that in a minute) of "I go out of my way to take him to his appt, but he can't stick around to watch Tessi for mine". Of course, anger followed that thought.

And that, right there, is the root of the issues I am facing, and indeed, the root of most of my anger, depression and misery : the thoughts I have, the stories I tell myself about situations, and the resulting feelings that those thoughts generate. Some time ago in my work with Diana, I did some work with the ABC's of emotions - work that was specifically targeted to address this very issue - jumping to an emotional response without even 'seeing', or being aware of the thoughts I was having/stories I was telling myself about the event(s).

So last night, Diana encouraged me to start doing my ABC's again, and I am going to do just that. She has caught me several times lately, and I have caught myself, saying "I feel like I am not appreciated, I feel like no one cares, I feel.....", when in reality, the truth is "I think that I am not appreciated, I think that no one cares," and those thoughts then create emotions. I have been falling back into my old behavior of just mislabelling thoughts as emotions and skipping the critical link between them. And that is where I can actually take some action to counteract the negative emotions - by looking at those thoughts/stories, and determining whether or not they are true/rational, and then, if they are irrational, replacing them with rational ones : rational emotive behavioral therapy at it's finest.

And so I am breaking out my ABC worksheets and going to get back to it tonight. Honestly, part of me really doesn't want to - just seems like more 'work' to do. Then again, another part of me is somewhat fascinated with the science of it all, and interested to "experiment" on myself to see what happens. I am definitely a challenging case if ever there was one. And though I get extremely depressed at times, and just want to give up, to throw in the towel, or worse yet, to just die - I always seem to come to the surface again to take another gasp of air and keep swimming. And as long as that keeps happening, I will keep trying to do something to stop the cycle of self abuse. That is what I am calling it now, because at this point, there is no one abusing me - no one outside of myself. It is the 'internal abuser' I need to focus on healing and reprogramming, and so that is what I am doing. I have to keep trying - what else is there?

Can't focus

Ugh. I am trying to focus at work, and was doing fine until Galen started calling. First, he wanted to know how long his phone would be turned off. So I had to (didn't have to - I need to remember that) go into the whole lecture about privileges vs rights again and told him that when he decides to start going to class -and passing - again, I will decide to start paying the bill again. Then he calls again and asks me for how long he is grounded from the computer. Then he calls again and asks me if he can go to the central library - that there is someone there he wants to say "hi" to. This is like 2 hourse before I am supposed to pick him up. I told him no, and he started arguing with me about it. Joy joy.

I swear, sometimes I don't know know how, or even if, I am going to make it through this. I keep thinking, like Lloyd Bridges in Airplane, I picked a bad time in life to quit getting high. I mean, I'm sure smoking a big ol' fatty would take the edge right off for me. But of course with me, one thing always leads to another. And in this case, I would be tweaking again in no time. And that is not really someplace I want to go again. I think that was even more miserable than this. And I can't IMAGINE trying to do this subhuman.

Dear God, please just help me to make it through this day without losing my job, my mind, my cool or my samity. Amen.

Surviving

That is the way to describe the weekend - I survived it. I was sick most of the weekend, still feeling like crap. I was able to pretty much lay around all day Saturday, which was nice - I needed it. Sunday morning I woke up, and Galen had left a bit of a mess in the living room and left the computer desk totally trashed. He basically spent all day Saturday on the computer, and it showed. So I decided to lock him out of the computer again - to ground him from it for a while. And, as is typical, he was asking me yesterday afternoon already if he could get on for a few to "check something." I said no, and when he asked me when he would be able to get back on again, I said whenever I decided.

I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.

And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.

Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.

Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.

One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.

But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.

depression

So here is what I sent to Ty today (and Diana) - spreadin' that joy around :

I am feeling like crap again/still today. On top of it, I am really depressed. I keep trying to tell myself all that "you're a good dad", "this doesn't have anything to do with you", "you have a lot to be grateful for" happy horseshit - but in the end, all I can really hear is the voice of my mom in my head telling me "you've been too easy on him," "you should have put him in sports," "you should have....." "I knew this was going to happen, tried to tell you.... blah blah blah" I try to counteract the voice, but it just keeps pounding on me, and I get tired. So I just let it roll. And roll it does, just like my mom was standing right there, criticizing me, condemning me, belittling me. Top of it off with my own internal abuser, and you have a recipe for self-hatred and deprecation like no other.


I have had no good role models for single parenting really. Most everyone I know has/had a mom and a dad, or a mom and a stepdad, or some shit. All I learned about single parenting from my mom was that it drives you fucking insane, and going out to the bars and getting smashed, or getting involved with some man are some great ways to deal with the stress. And the more I struggle with this, the more I hear shit coming out of mym out that sounds just like my psychotic fucking mom. 7 years of recovery, inumerable counselling sessions, dozens of self-help books, countless hours in meditation, an exercise regimen to help with my fitness and mood, and even anti depressants can't seem to change what I truly am - just a fucking clone of a spiteful, psychotic, unloving hypercritical woman. The only difference - and the real kicker, the real fucked up part of it - is that she didn't have all the help that I do/did. One can only imagine how messed up I would be if I didn't get all the help I did. I probably wouldn't be here. And maybe that would be best.

I'm really sorry to lay all this on you - it's just how I am feeling. I hate myself, I hate this life, I hate being a parent, I hate the fact that I am single and given how fucked up I am probably always will be. I hate being alive today. The best thing I have in my life is one great daughter, and some great friends that I don't deserve.Thanks for being one of them.
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I swear, I really just want to lay down and die today. I would feel really bad for Tessi, I really would. I know she would really miss me. Galen, on the other hand, would probably be glad to be rid of me for awhile. Oh sure, over time I bet he would miss me. But he seems to be doing a great job of throwing his life away on his own, and he doesn't need me to help with that. Then he could REALLY have a reason to be a little "emo", a bad boy with a troubled past and tragedies that haun him.

Man, my left shoulder is KILLING me - maybe I have cancer...? I could be so lucky. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Well, I am terrible fucking person, so who gives a shit.