Wow - once again, it has been a long time since my last post to this blog/journal. I have been posting to "The Thought Buffet" recently though. Ok so some quick updates : GCU let me go about 2 weeks after my last post. Ryan, my former boss, gave me the option of resigning, or he was going to fire me. Turns out that being best friends with the boss does have its advantages, so Jay got to stay and I went. I was none too happy about it, felt it was very unfair, and even lodged a formal complaint with the HR dept there. From what Debi (a BA I worked with there) said in an email after I left, there was some reorganization, and Ryan was now under a different director, no longer reporting directly to the CIO. So perhaps I had something to do with that. I'd like to think so.
In other news, I did do all of the things I said I was going to do to get back into fit spiritual condition : started going to meetings every Monday and almost every Friday, bought a nice treadmill and wieght machine for the house and started working out twice a week and went and saw Diana. I have still not been meditating as much as I would like, but I am working on that. Debbie and I have been doing well, although we have had some challenges. My birthday was especially rough, but we made it through. Now, we are only 3 weeks away from the wedding.
Ok, so now I want to get to why I am posting in the first place. Over the last 2 or 3 months, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as a lack of focus spurred on by intense interest in global affairs and events that could have profound spiritual meaning. Basically, I feel a lot like I did back in '93-'94 when the whole "coin-incidence" string of events occured, the main difference being that this time, I am sober. I don't know that the events that I am experiencing now are quite as coincidental as the ones back then, but there has definitely been some synchonicity happening, and my mind has definitely been racing with a strange sense of urgency.
Now as much as I would like to say that I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the whole 2012 thing, the fact is that I'm sure it probably does. I would be lying to say that at least a little part of me wasn't somewhat curious to see what might happen, and another part of me seems to sense something major coming - or at least that is the sensation I get. I mean, I have always had periods of distraction and burn out when coding, but this seems to be a little different.
And that is a real challenge I have been facing this last month or so - trying to stay focused and on track at work so I can get some stuff done. Fortunately, I guess I am a good enough worker that I can spend quite a bit of time doing "other" things, research and stuff, and still please the person I am working for. That is truly a blessing. I can't help but feel guilty though, like I am getting paid for something and not doing that thing I am getting paid for, which causes me to tell myself that I am being dishonest and fraudulent. And that is a thought and feeling that I don't like to have - not one bit.
So, I have tried, albeit not with a whole lot of effort, to start looking for and being open to different opportunities, like writing positions or something, that might allow me to do something I could actually maintain focus on and give 100 - heck, even 75 % to! I even posted a request on this angel investor site called "Go 4 Funding" to see if I couldn't attract some angel investor to give me enough money to write a book that might be able to get me into a full time writing career. I have been posting short articles to this open "news" site called "before it's news" to see if I can maybe get noticed there. And I attempted, once again, to get in touch with Gaetan Delaforge, only to get a response from the writer of "Mission," Patrick Tilley and begin a brief correspondence with him. Alas, he was not able to lead me to Gaetan, and after about a week, he gave a polite "we're done here," leaving me right where I started. Yep.
And so I sit here, at my contracting job at MAAX Spas, working on their Team Portal web app (or at least trying to) wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself. I ran out of medicine Wednesday and forgot it again yesterday, so I was pretty out of sorts when I got home. When I did, I opened the mailbox to find a letter from the HOA board at the condo, which I am walking away from, saying that they are doing a $2500 assessment, and that the total is due by August 31st. Yeah, nice. Then, I go inside and head to the bedroom to get changed into my workout clothes only to have Emilee knock on the door and tell me that our dog Cooper had just peed on the floor in the workout room - at which point, I came unglued, screamed and yelled at Cooper, put him outside, sprayed him down with the hose, picked him up roughly, rubbed his nose in the pee, and spanked his butt hard. It wasn't pretty, and I was pretty disappointed in myself - that I could get that angry and out of control.
I felt absolutely sick about all of it after I finished, and promptly went into the bedroom, closed the door, got my jammies on and curled up in bed. I'm sure the lack of medication had a lot to do with it, as I was extremely light headed and a little dizzy for most of the afternoon. Adding the letter from the HOA to that condition put me in a prime state for freak out, which Cooper set off completely by peeing on the carpet. I was not pleased with the way I handled it at all, and actually felt very dark, as if I was myself "evil." I layed in bed until Debbie came in at 9 contemplating what had happened, thinking back over my life and how I used to be, wondering who I was/am, who I want to be, and even meditated and prayed some. I think it all helped, as I felt halfway decent before I actually went to sleep, which is no small feat after having blown that big.
Today, I have opened my mind to a belief I used to have back when I was the total "spiritual seeker" and wannabe guru : that I am a spiritual warrior, and my battle is with myself, my lower nature - my anger, pride, lust, envy, greed, sloth. It is a real war for my spirit, and if I don't take it as that, if I let up on my spiritual "exercise" - prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc - then I am opening myself to attack from the 'dark side' of myself, or other powers or presences. Strangely, I have been remembering some thoughts or intuitions I had about this time period, and even weird "self prophecies" about 'deals' I made with God about getting to be here for this, and being prepared and my vehicle being pure and stuff. I know it all sounds weird, and sometimes I don't even know how much of it was real and how much was just drug-induced delusion.
I do know that I am sober now though. And I know that there is some crazy, spooky stuff going on in the world. I know that I am concerned I am not in touch with a god - a personal God, that I can have faith in when the times get tough. I am afraid that in refining my view of God to this impersonal, "Force" like presence, I have lost that protective father figure God I need in times like this. I actually found a post by someone on a website today about this very same thing, and the person said that now, in his 50's, after having gone through the same stages, he is back praying to that personal God. And you know, I just might do that too. I guess at this point, it doesn't matter as much that there is that personal God as it does that I feel that there is, and that someone, something somewhere is listening to my pleas and is going to help me - help all of us get through this time of spiritual darkness.
I know that I am very, very thankful to have a loving, supportive woman in my life, and to know that I don't have to go through any of this alone. I am thankful that I am not .001% more unfocused than I am so that I CAN continue to work to provide for the family. I am glad that I have my sobriety today, and don't even smoke cigarettes, so I can take comfort in the fact that my physical vehicle is about as pure as it's going to get. And I am thankful for everything else in my life - the kids, the place, the vehicles, the friends - everything. I think as long as I stay in that gratitude, and keep praying and meditating, I might just make it through all of this ok. Or at least as ok as I can be. Hey - they haven't killed me yet! Lol
In other news, I did do all of the things I said I was going to do to get back into fit spiritual condition : started going to meetings every Monday and almost every Friday, bought a nice treadmill and wieght machine for the house and started working out twice a week and went and saw Diana. I have still not been meditating as much as I would like, but I am working on that. Debbie and I have been doing well, although we have had some challenges. My birthday was especially rough, but we made it through. Now, we are only 3 weeks away from the wedding.
Ok, so now I want to get to why I am posting in the first place. Over the last 2 or 3 months, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as a lack of focus spurred on by intense interest in global affairs and events that could have profound spiritual meaning. Basically, I feel a lot like I did back in '93-'94 when the whole "coin-incidence" string of events occured, the main difference being that this time, I am sober. I don't know that the events that I am experiencing now are quite as coincidental as the ones back then, but there has definitely been some synchonicity happening, and my mind has definitely been racing with a strange sense of urgency.
Now as much as I would like to say that I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the whole 2012 thing, the fact is that I'm sure it probably does. I would be lying to say that at least a little part of me wasn't somewhat curious to see what might happen, and another part of me seems to sense something major coming - or at least that is the sensation I get. I mean, I have always had periods of distraction and burn out when coding, but this seems to be a little different.
And that is a real challenge I have been facing this last month or so - trying to stay focused and on track at work so I can get some stuff done. Fortunately, I guess I am a good enough worker that I can spend quite a bit of time doing "other" things, research and stuff, and still please the person I am working for. That is truly a blessing. I can't help but feel guilty though, like I am getting paid for something and not doing that thing I am getting paid for, which causes me to tell myself that I am being dishonest and fraudulent. And that is a thought and feeling that I don't like to have - not one bit.
So, I have tried, albeit not with a whole lot of effort, to start looking for and being open to different opportunities, like writing positions or something, that might allow me to do something I could actually maintain focus on and give 100 - heck, even 75 % to! I even posted a request on this angel investor site called "Go 4 Funding" to see if I couldn't attract some angel investor to give me enough money to write a book that might be able to get me into a full time writing career. I have been posting short articles to this open "news" site called "before it's news" to see if I can maybe get noticed there. And I attempted, once again, to get in touch with Gaetan Delaforge, only to get a response from the writer of "Mission," Patrick Tilley and begin a brief correspondence with him. Alas, he was not able to lead me to Gaetan, and after about a week, he gave a polite "we're done here," leaving me right where I started. Yep.
And so I sit here, at my contracting job at MAAX Spas, working on their Team Portal web app (or at least trying to) wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself. I ran out of medicine Wednesday and forgot it again yesterday, so I was pretty out of sorts when I got home. When I did, I opened the mailbox to find a letter from the HOA board at the condo, which I am walking away from, saying that they are doing a $2500 assessment, and that the total is due by August 31st. Yeah, nice. Then, I go inside and head to the bedroom to get changed into my workout clothes only to have Emilee knock on the door and tell me that our dog Cooper had just peed on the floor in the workout room - at which point, I came unglued, screamed and yelled at Cooper, put him outside, sprayed him down with the hose, picked him up roughly, rubbed his nose in the pee, and spanked his butt hard. It wasn't pretty, and I was pretty disappointed in myself - that I could get that angry and out of control.
I felt absolutely sick about all of it after I finished, and promptly went into the bedroom, closed the door, got my jammies on and curled up in bed. I'm sure the lack of medication had a lot to do with it, as I was extremely light headed and a little dizzy for most of the afternoon. Adding the letter from the HOA to that condition put me in a prime state for freak out, which Cooper set off completely by peeing on the carpet. I was not pleased with the way I handled it at all, and actually felt very dark, as if I was myself "evil." I layed in bed until Debbie came in at 9 contemplating what had happened, thinking back over my life and how I used to be, wondering who I was/am, who I want to be, and even meditated and prayed some. I think it all helped, as I felt halfway decent before I actually went to sleep, which is no small feat after having blown that big.
Today, I have opened my mind to a belief I used to have back when I was the total "spiritual seeker" and wannabe guru : that I am a spiritual warrior, and my battle is with myself, my lower nature - my anger, pride, lust, envy, greed, sloth. It is a real war for my spirit, and if I don't take it as that, if I let up on my spiritual "exercise" - prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc - then I am opening myself to attack from the 'dark side' of myself, or other powers or presences. Strangely, I have been remembering some thoughts or intuitions I had about this time period, and even weird "self prophecies" about 'deals' I made with God about getting to be here for this, and being prepared and my vehicle being pure and stuff. I know it all sounds weird, and sometimes I don't even know how much of it was real and how much was just drug-induced delusion.
I do know that I am sober now though. And I know that there is some crazy, spooky stuff going on in the world. I know that I am concerned I am not in touch with a god - a personal God, that I can have faith in when the times get tough. I am afraid that in refining my view of God to this impersonal, "Force" like presence, I have lost that protective father figure God I need in times like this. I actually found a post by someone on a website today about this very same thing, and the person said that now, in his 50's, after having gone through the same stages, he is back praying to that personal God. And you know, I just might do that too. I guess at this point, it doesn't matter as much that there is that personal God as it does that I feel that there is, and that someone, something somewhere is listening to my pleas and is going to help me - help all of us get through this time of spiritual darkness.
I know that I am very, very thankful to have a loving, supportive woman in my life, and to know that I don't have to go through any of this alone. I am thankful that I am not .001% more unfocused than I am so that I CAN continue to work to provide for the family. I am glad that I have my sobriety today, and don't even smoke cigarettes, so I can take comfort in the fact that my physical vehicle is about as pure as it's going to get. And I am thankful for everything else in my life - the kids, the place, the vehicles, the friends - everything. I think as long as I stay in that gratitude, and keep praying and meditating, I might just make it through all of this ok. Or at least as ok as I can be. Hey - they haven't killed me yet! Lol
