I just got done changing the template of my blog back to what it originally was - minima lefty, I think. I tried another one, I think it was "The Scribe," but I like this one better.
So I have been corresponding with Michele quite a bit over the last 3 or 4 days, and it has been a lot of fun. She seems - I almost wrote "she seems like a nice ladt," but that sounds so generic, and doesn't really capture the essence I want to capture. She is a redhead, and like the old saying goes, she really is quite fiery! Maybe not so much as far as like being sexy/sensual (not yet anyway) but very much so in being independent, outspoken, and - what's the word for it? I guess just plain old fiery! There are some people at her work that torque her off, and she tells it just like it is. She really cracks me up.
It is obvious that she is very independent and definitely her own woman. She doesn't want to be, and isn't, dependent on some man. She knows what she wants and doesn't mince words. She's not afraid to throw a curse word out when it is needed, but isn't completely vulgar. And I am really enjoying our correspondence. She doesn't communicate quite as prolifically as someone like Ty, but I am ok with that now. She also comes off as a little cold, or maybe hesitant to get to flirty or intimate right off the bat, and I am ok with that too. In fact, it fits in perfectly with my new rules.
We are set to meet f2f for the first time this Monday for brunch or something. I am looking forward to it, and trying to remember at the same time to just enjoy it for what it is - a first meeting with a woman - and not pick out the ring and book the church 5 mins after meeting! Ha ha! Sounds crazy, but I honestly think that's where my head goes sometimes when first meeting a woman, especially if I am attracted to her.
WE (Galen, Tessi and I) are headed up to Dogtown Reservoir north of Williams this weekend to go camping with M & K, her parents, and big group of their friends they always go camping with. It should be fun. We are leaving tomorrow morning, and while they will all stay longer, we will be coming back Sunday afternoon. I can't stand fighting the traffic that will inevtiably exist on Monday, and besides - I have a hot date to get back to now ; ) Or so I hope anyway.
Ok - now I have to find something else to do to kill some time - only 3 and half more hours to go!!! Lol
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Uhhh... it's Monday (or Kev's Rules for Dating)
Yeahh.... that's all I could really think of for a title, cuz, well - it's Monday! I had a nice weekend this weekend. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and I got some nice riding in. Got a new tire Saturday, went out to Cherry Blossom Noodle cafe with Tori Saturday night, went to see Macgruber with Galen and Derek yesterday, and emailed with some lady I met on plentyoffish.com who actually sent me her phone number and asked if I'd like to talk sometime - score! ha ha! I am reminding myself this time though, before it EVEN gets started, GO SLLLOOWWWWWW Kevin... easy boy.
She does seem sweet, and ironically enough, her name is Michele, with one 'L'. She has one - well, 2 things really going for her right off the bat : 1, she is a redhead, and for whatever reason, I have really developed this thing for redheads, and 2, she is like 45 years old - older lady, and I have ALWAYS preferred older women. So we'll see what happens. I am not going to go getting my hopes all up though. I think - God, please tell me! - that I have learned my lesson(s) about all this dating stuff. Here are some things I need to remember, "Kevin's New Guidelines/Rules/Reminders for Dating" if you will :
1. Don't fall in love and go obsessive with the first woman who makes contact, or I make contact with.
2. Don't seem too desperate, and send a million communications off the bat - give the woman some chances to make her move too. The chase is good for both.
3. Don't divulge too much on a first date - leave something for the next date, if there is one.
4. GO SLOW - there's no need to rush into a committed relationship after one date, EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO.
5. REMEMBER STEP 4, EVEN IF THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE SEX PRESENTS ITSELF. The sex might be great, but will be temporary, and could mess up future chances.
6. Don't make the mistake of thinking that the conditions that exist in the beginning of a relationship - the constant texting and emailing, the excitement, the enthusiasm - will continue with the same intensity as the relationship proceeds.
7. Don't say "I love you" too soon, even if the woman says it first (NOTE: I need to think of some smart method of responding to such a situation that neither misleads the woman, nor misleads her... hmmmmm...)
That's all I can think of for now, but this will be an ever-expanding list I am sure. In fact, I think I will see if I can make a "widget" out of it so it can be presented at all times on my blog. I need to see it, and see it often!
Today is a great day - and that's all I have to say about that : )
She does seem sweet, and ironically enough, her name is Michele, with one 'L'. She has one - well, 2 things really going for her right off the bat : 1, she is a redhead, and for whatever reason, I have really developed this thing for redheads, and 2, she is like 45 years old - older lady, and I have ALWAYS preferred older women. So we'll see what happens. I am not going to go getting my hopes all up though. I think - God, please tell me! - that I have learned my lesson(s) about all this dating stuff. Here are some things I need to remember, "Kevin's New Guidelines/Rules/Reminders for Dating" if you will :
1. Don't fall in love and go obsessive with the first woman who makes contact, or I make contact with.
2. Don't seem too desperate, and send a million communications off the bat - give the woman some chances to make her move too. The chase is good for both.
3. Don't divulge too much on a first date - leave something for the next date, if there is one.
4. GO SLOW - there's no need to rush into a committed relationship after one date, EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO.
5. REMEMBER STEP 4, EVEN IF THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE SEX PRESENTS ITSELF. The sex might be great, but will be temporary, and could mess up future chances.
6. Don't make the mistake of thinking that the conditions that exist in the beginning of a relationship - the constant texting and emailing, the excitement, the enthusiasm - will continue with the same intensity as the relationship proceeds.
7. Don't say "I love you" too soon, even if the woman says it first (NOTE: I need to think of some smart method of responding to such a situation that neither misleads the woman, nor misleads her... hmmmmm...)
That's all I can think of for now, but this will be an ever-expanding list I am sure. In fact, I think I will see if I can make a "widget" out of it so it can be presented at all times on my blog. I need to see it, and see it often!
Today is a great day - and that's all I have to say about that : )
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Made it Alive
Well, whoda thunk it. Here I am, 40 years old today, sober, healthy (healthier than I have ever been actually) and relatively happy. I honestly thought, actually hoped for some time, that I would never make it to this age. Yet, here I am, and I am actually grateful to be alive today. What a gift that is.
It's weird how the older we get, the less and less important our birthdays seem, and the fewer number of people who actually know about them. Of course, all my family back in SD remembered and sent me cards. Mom and I are still on the outs, so I didn't really expect anything from her. And to be honest, I really don't tell people it is my birthday, so I can't really expect anyone to know, can I? Lol! I figure I will take the kids out to Red Lobster tonight to celebrate, especially considering the fact that the Universe decided to bless me with the gift of getting my amended tax refund, $665, in the mail yesterday. Woo hoo! How cool is that for a b-day present? It is also interesting to note that today, for the first time ever, they are honoring people whose birthdays fall between Jan and May with cake in the breakroom. It's really weird, as it just happens to fall directly on my b-day : another neat little coincidence :)
Ok, so I have to share something here that happened last night, if only to mark the momentous occasion : last night, after the new meeting I have been attending on Monday nights at the Mennonite Church on 7th St. north of Dunlap, I spoke with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, much less actually talked to. And I don't say this exaggeratingly (is that even a word?). When I first saw her last week, my immediate reaction was "oh my goodness - she is Brooke Shields when she was in her prime..." Long, gorgeous brunette hair; exotic, deep eyes; a fantastic figure; just beautiful. She was the last person to share, and I was SO hoping she would get the chance to, as time was winding down as the lady before her shared, and I kept thinking 'wrap it up so I can hear her!' Haha!
When she spoke, she mentioned that she had spent some time in a Zen Buddhist monastery, and I knew I would just have to ask her about that. I was legitimately curious, and jumping at the "in" that had manifested. So I walked up to her after the meeting got out and asked her about it. I was expecting a little one or 2 word response, and then a quick walk-away as so often happens with beautiful women like her when I approach them and try to talk to them. But instead, we ended up standing there in the parking lot for almost half an hour talking about Buddhism, the Program, her sobriety, etc. I must admit, I was basking in the ecstasy of being so close to, and actually visiting with, such a beautiful woman. And she is pretty deep too - not just a pretty face.
She went on to mention that she has a boyfriend who is an attorney (shouldn't be a surprise, right?), that he is a normie, and that they go to a lot of events where there is drinking and socializing. She said that people in the Program often tell her that she needs to dump him, and I told her that it wouldn't surprise me if some of the men suggested that, thinking that they might be the perfect guy for her! Lol. She was extremely approachable, and I really enjoyed the convo. So, suffice it to say, that I found my dream woman. But, there are 2 major drawbacks/obstacles : 1, she has a boyfriend. 2, she only has 17 days sober.
The thing that really fscinated me was the manner in which she seemed to be so comfortable physically with me. I almost got the impression that she wanted me to hug or hold her...? I know it sounds crazy, but as I was walking to the door of my truck, she seemed to linger around, as if wanting me to pass closely to her, and not really wanting to leave. If I hadn't had the kids waiting at home, I would have asked her out to coffee. Something tells me that her boyfriend doesn't treat her all that great - or at least, she doesn't think he does, or doesn't think that he finds her truly beautiful. I don't know - I am probably reading WAY too much into it, that's just the impression I got.
So yeah, I was a little giddy last night after that, feeling as though I had been given the chance to speak to Cindy Ireland or Brooke Shields or something - and she didn't run away! Ha ha! I tell you whut - if I had a woman like that, I would go to therapy 3 times a day to avoid sabotaging the relationship, buy her flowers once a week, and give thanks and praises to God and all the Universe for delivering me an angel every day. She would NEVER wonder if I thought she was beautiful, as I would tell her every day. And we would live happily ever after! The End.
Hey, everyone has to have a dream, right? And since today is my birthday, I get to make a wish - and I think we all know what that is now... ;)
It's weird how the older we get, the less and less important our birthdays seem, and the fewer number of people who actually know about them. Of course, all my family back in SD remembered and sent me cards. Mom and I are still on the outs, so I didn't really expect anything from her. And to be honest, I really don't tell people it is my birthday, so I can't really expect anyone to know, can I? Lol! I figure I will take the kids out to Red Lobster tonight to celebrate, especially considering the fact that the Universe decided to bless me with the gift of getting my amended tax refund, $665, in the mail yesterday. Woo hoo! How cool is that for a b-day present? It is also interesting to note that today, for the first time ever, they are honoring people whose birthdays fall between Jan and May with cake in the breakroom. It's really weird, as it just happens to fall directly on my b-day : another neat little coincidence :)
Ok, so I have to share something here that happened last night, if only to mark the momentous occasion : last night, after the new meeting I have been attending on Monday nights at the Mennonite Church on 7th St. north of Dunlap, I spoke with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, much less actually talked to. And I don't say this exaggeratingly (is that even a word?). When I first saw her last week, my immediate reaction was "oh my goodness - she is Brooke Shields when she was in her prime..." Long, gorgeous brunette hair; exotic, deep eyes; a fantastic figure; just beautiful. She was the last person to share, and I was SO hoping she would get the chance to, as time was winding down as the lady before her shared, and I kept thinking 'wrap it up so I can hear her!' Haha!
When she spoke, she mentioned that she had spent some time in a Zen Buddhist monastery, and I knew I would just have to ask her about that. I was legitimately curious, and jumping at the "in" that had manifested. So I walked up to her after the meeting got out and asked her about it. I was expecting a little one or 2 word response, and then a quick walk-away as so often happens with beautiful women like her when I approach them and try to talk to them. But instead, we ended up standing there in the parking lot for almost half an hour talking about Buddhism, the Program, her sobriety, etc. I must admit, I was basking in the ecstasy of being so close to, and actually visiting with, such a beautiful woman. And she is pretty deep too - not just a pretty face.
She went on to mention that she has a boyfriend who is an attorney (shouldn't be a surprise, right?), that he is a normie, and that they go to a lot of events where there is drinking and socializing. She said that people in the Program often tell her that she needs to dump him, and I told her that it wouldn't surprise me if some of the men suggested that, thinking that they might be the perfect guy for her! Lol. She was extremely approachable, and I really enjoyed the convo. So, suffice it to say, that I found my dream woman. But, there are 2 major drawbacks/obstacles : 1, she has a boyfriend. 2, she only has 17 days sober.
The thing that really fscinated me was the manner in which she seemed to be so comfortable physically with me. I almost got the impression that she wanted me to hug or hold her...? I know it sounds crazy, but as I was walking to the door of my truck, she seemed to linger around, as if wanting me to pass closely to her, and not really wanting to leave. If I hadn't had the kids waiting at home, I would have asked her out to coffee. Something tells me that her boyfriend doesn't treat her all that great - or at least, she doesn't think he does, or doesn't think that he finds her truly beautiful. I don't know - I am probably reading WAY too much into it, that's just the impression I got.
So yeah, I was a little giddy last night after that, feeling as though I had been given the chance to speak to Cindy Ireland or Brooke Shields or something - and she didn't run away! Ha ha! I tell you whut - if I had a woman like that, I would go to therapy 3 times a day to avoid sabotaging the relationship, buy her flowers once a week, and give thanks and praises to God and all the Universe for delivering me an angel every day. She would NEVER wonder if I thought she was beautiful, as I would tell her every day. And we would live happily ever after! The End.
Hey, everyone has to have a dream, right? And since today is my birthday, I get to make a wish - and I think we all know what that is now... ;)
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Big 4-O
So tomorrow is the "big" day - I officially turn 40 years old. And, although there will likely be very little fanfare, as I have no girlfriend, and am estranged from my mom, I am still very pleased to think that I am in the best shape of my life at this time, and all-in-all, things are pretty darned good right now. And when I say best shape ever, I am not even exaggerating. I can run a mile non-stop now without being completely out of breath, and repeat the feat on following days. Heck, I have never been able to run a mile period, save for the time I did it towards the end of high school in preparation for entering the marines. But even then, I was dying. Not so now.
And I have cut 4 inches off my waist - from a 36" (squeezing into size 34 pants) down to a legitimate 32" (with all of my size 34 pants falling off me!). It kinda' sucks to have to buy a whole new wardrobe of work pants, but given the reasoning, it is very gratifying too! Not only that, other numbers have come down too : my cholesterol, my triglycerides, etc. I got my ECHO biometrics back a couple of weeks ago, and everything looked way better than last year. It is great to know that all the working out and eating healthier is paying some real dividends.
In other news, I went out and bought myself a 2001 Suzuki GZ250 motorcylce from craigslist this weekend to use for communting back and forth to work. My truck is killing me on gas, and I heard something a couple of weeks ago about gas maybe going up to as much as $5 a gallon this summer. And if that happens, I would be screwed! So, I went out and picked up this little bike for a grand, and it is in really good shape. It looks good too, and came with a nice helmet and saddle bags to boot. Now I just have to get a nice, mesh riding jacket and I will be set.
Ty and I are on good terms, and we have been talking with each other about the issues we are dealing with regarding our relationship malfunctions. It seems as though we both share a lot of the same behaviors and patterns, and it is actually good to have someone to share this stuff with - especially someone as cool as she is. Unfortunately, she is back to smoking again, and I highly doubt she is working out anymore, but you know what? That's actually a good thing, in that she needs to be Ty, and not who I, or someone else, wants her to be. And she is coming to realize that, and for that I am grateful.
I must admit that I am a little bummed that I haven't landed a "babe" yet, given how much better shape I am in. I mean, don't these women know how good I look now, and that I deserve it because of how hard I have worked?!?! Apparently not! Lol! But if that is my biggest worry today, then I consider myself blessed, and actually grateful to have lived to see another birthday. It is definitely not a given, and for many years, I thought - no, I was determined - that I would never see the day. I'm glad I gave life, and myself, a chance.
And I have cut 4 inches off my waist - from a 36" (squeezing into size 34 pants) down to a legitimate 32" (with all of my size 34 pants falling off me!). It kinda' sucks to have to buy a whole new wardrobe of work pants, but given the reasoning, it is very gratifying too! Not only that, other numbers have come down too : my cholesterol, my triglycerides, etc. I got my ECHO biometrics back a couple of weeks ago, and everything looked way better than last year. It is great to know that all the working out and eating healthier is paying some real dividends.
In other news, I went out and bought myself a 2001 Suzuki GZ250 motorcylce from craigslist this weekend to use for communting back and forth to work. My truck is killing me on gas, and I heard something a couple of weeks ago about gas maybe going up to as much as $5 a gallon this summer. And if that happens, I would be screwed! So, I went out and picked up this little bike for a grand, and it is in really good shape. It looks good too, and came with a nice helmet and saddle bags to boot. Now I just have to get a nice, mesh riding jacket and I will be set.
Ty and I are on good terms, and we have been talking with each other about the issues we are dealing with regarding our relationship malfunctions. It seems as though we both share a lot of the same behaviors and patterns, and it is actually good to have someone to share this stuff with - especially someone as cool as she is. Unfortunately, she is back to smoking again, and I highly doubt she is working out anymore, but you know what? That's actually a good thing, in that she needs to be Ty, and not who I, or someone else, wants her to be. And she is coming to realize that, and for that I am grateful.
I must admit that I am a little bummed that I haven't landed a "babe" yet, given how much better shape I am in. I mean, don't these women know how good I look now, and that I deserve it because of how hard I have worked?!?! Apparently not! Lol! But if that is my biggest worry today, then I consider myself blessed, and actually grateful to have lived to see another birthday. It is definitely not a given, and for many years, I thought - no, I was determined - that I would never see the day. I'm glad I gave life, and myself, a chance.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Path to Healing
I got an email from Ty yesterday, and she said she is going to start attending SLAA meetings, and suggested it might be a good idea for me too. I didn't know what SLAA was at first, and was wondering why she would think I need to attend it too since I already attend AA meetings. So I looked it up, and it turns out it is "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous." 'What? I'm not a ssex addict?!' was my initial thought, But she suggested I read down the page at the different types, that she had seen herself, and me in there. And so I did that - and indeed, I did find myself.
Here are 2 excerpts that caught my eye (from http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html) :
"Ambivalent Love Addicts: ALAs suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs also come in different forms, listed below"
"Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever."
YYYyyyyyeeahhhhh.... If ever there were 2 perfect descriptions of me, there they are. Of course, I at first thought that by 'intimacy' they meant sex, so I did not fit the profile. But sex has nothing to do really with true intimacy. It is entirely possible to have sex with no intimacy, and intimacy with no sex. Here is a definition of intimacy from the web :
"a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group"
Nothing about sex in there. To me, the thing I fear is not the sex 'intimace,' it is the intimacy involved in letting someone inside - giving them the power to hurt me by letting them inside my protective wall. It is not something I do consciously, but something that happens, without doubt. So I think it would be a good idea for me to attend some of these meetings and see if they are helpful. I just need to make sure, for both of our sake, that Ty and I don't end up at the same one! Lol. It's all about healing today, and we can only heal that which we acknowledge. And today, I admit that I am a love addict - step one I think it is...
Here are 2 excerpts that caught my eye (from http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html) :
"Ambivalent Love Addicts: ALAs suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs also come in different forms, listed below"
"Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever."
YYYyyyyyeeahhhhh.... If ever there were 2 perfect descriptions of me, there they are. Of course, I at first thought that by 'intimacy' they meant sex, so I did not fit the profile. But sex has nothing to do really with true intimacy. It is entirely possible to have sex with no intimacy, and intimacy with no sex. Here is a definition of intimacy from the web :
"a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group"
Nothing about sex in there. To me, the thing I fear is not the sex 'intimace,' it is the intimacy involved in letting someone inside - giving them the power to hurt me by letting them inside my protective wall. It is not something I do consciously, but something that happens, without doubt. So I think it would be a good idea for me to attend some of these meetings and see if they are helpful. I just need to make sure, for both of our sake, that Ty and I don't end up at the same one! Lol. It's all about healing today, and we can only heal that which we acknowledge. And today, I admit that I am a love addict - step one I think it is...
Monday, May 10, 2010
Back to Basics
Things are back to the basics again, and it should be no surprise. Seems like I am just more comfortable being single than being in a relationship. Truth be told, I am one demanding MF, and I have yet to meet a woman - if such a woman even exists - that meets all of my "standards" and expectations.
At this point, it may have become clear that my intimate relationship with Ty has come to an end - at least for now. That's not to say we had some big argument and that we will never speak again. It is to say that I found myself being more and more critical of her, she noticed as well, and finally got sick of it. I can't say that I blame her, and in fact, if she hadn't gotten sick of it, I would be truly concerned about her. I am glad that she has someone like her friend Tim to guide and consult her, as he seems to genuinely care about her and is aware of her issues and weaknesses regarding men.
I think that for me, the main reason I am so critical of her is the simple fact that she just isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. Just like the girl I dated before, and whom I briefly touched bases with this weekend - Michelle - wasn't. I feel strange saying this, and was originally going to say I feel horrible, but you know what? I don't feel horrible. The truth is that I have worked very hard to get myself into great shape. I have been working out 3-4 times a week, eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements, and doing crunches and other ab exercises every night before bed. And I want a woman who is also in great shape. I don't know if I dare say I have "earned" it, but I will say that I do not feel hypocritical in wanting that now.
And I have even begun to wonder about the kind of relationship I want, or need. I am starting to think that maybe I have it all wrong - that instead of looking for some nice woman who has at least a decent body, and trying to form some lasting, committed, serious relationship, maybe I should just look for some woman who has a great body, enjoy a purely sexual relationship with her, and just forget the rest. I don't know that I am even fit to have a committed relationship anyway, and it seems like I am always trying to fit the women I date into some perfect mold of physical beauty that I have in my head. To be honest, I don't even know how much I enjoy the "full on" relationships. Sure, the cuddling and snuggling, hand holding and all that sounds good to begin with. But it seems to lose it's luster, and then just the sex is left, because I end up getting tired of all the other stuff.
I am sitting here thinking that this is the most honest I have been with myself in a very long time. I am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I want some perfect relationship, when in reality, there is no such thing. And I have been telling myself that I am afraid I will end up like my mom and be alone and miserable, when I don't really know that being without some "life partner" would be all that miserable for me. I wouldn't be alone like my mom for the simple fact that I have, and plan on maintaining, a good relationship with my kids. I have relationships with healthy, sober people like Todd, Tori, Jim Burns, etc. And I will always have my AA family - I will never be alone.
So today, I open my eyes to the truth of who I am and what I want. I release the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment I have about being in a relationship only for sex, and accept the truth of who I am and what I want. And I open myself to the possibility of letting the Universe, God, bring into my life that which is best for me. I let go of the reins, and make a new vow to not hurt any more women by trying to "make" them what I want to be. If I encounter a woman who is attracted to me, and I don't 'want' her, I will simply let her go and avoid selfishly clinging to avoid being "alone." I will be true to myself, whatever that truth may be, and have faith that everything is, and will be, as it should be. Namo Amidha Buddha.
At this point, it may have become clear that my intimate relationship with Ty has come to an end - at least for now. That's not to say we had some big argument and that we will never speak again. It is to say that I found myself being more and more critical of her, she noticed as well, and finally got sick of it. I can't say that I blame her, and in fact, if she hadn't gotten sick of it, I would be truly concerned about her. I am glad that she has someone like her friend Tim to guide and consult her, as he seems to genuinely care about her and is aware of her issues and weaknesses regarding men.
I think that for me, the main reason I am so critical of her is the simple fact that she just isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. Just like the girl I dated before, and whom I briefly touched bases with this weekend - Michelle - wasn't. I feel strange saying this, and was originally going to say I feel horrible, but you know what? I don't feel horrible. The truth is that I have worked very hard to get myself into great shape. I have been working out 3-4 times a week, eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements, and doing crunches and other ab exercises every night before bed. And I want a woman who is also in great shape. I don't know if I dare say I have "earned" it, but I will say that I do not feel hypocritical in wanting that now.
And I have even begun to wonder about the kind of relationship I want, or need. I am starting to think that maybe I have it all wrong - that instead of looking for some nice woman who has at least a decent body, and trying to form some lasting, committed, serious relationship, maybe I should just look for some woman who has a great body, enjoy a purely sexual relationship with her, and just forget the rest. I don't know that I am even fit to have a committed relationship anyway, and it seems like I am always trying to fit the women I date into some perfect mold of physical beauty that I have in my head. To be honest, I don't even know how much I enjoy the "full on" relationships. Sure, the cuddling and snuggling, hand holding and all that sounds good to begin with. But it seems to lose it's luster, and then just the sex is left, because I end up getting tired of all the other stuff.
I am sitting here thinking that this is the most honest I have been with myself in a very long time. I am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I want some perfect relationship, when in reality, there is no such thing. And I have been telling myself that I am afraid I will end up like my mom and be alone and miserable, when I don't really know that being without some "life partner" would be all that miserable for me. I wouldn't be alone like my mom for the simple fact that I have, and plan on maintaining, a good relationship with my kids. I have relationships with healthy, sober people like Todd, Tori, Jim Burns, etc. And I will always have my AA family - I will never be alone.
So today, I open my eyes to the truth of who I am and what I want. I release the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment I have about being in a relationship only for sex, and accept the truth of who I am and what I want. And I open myself to the possibility of letting the Universe, God, bring into my life that which is best for me. I let go of the reins, and make a new vow to not hurt any more women by trying to "make" them what I want to be. If I encounter a woman who is attracted to me, and I don't 'want' her, I will simply let her go and avoid selfishly clinging to avoid being "alone." I will be true to myself, whatever that truth may be, and have faith that everything is, and will be, as it should be. Namo Amidha Buddha.
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