Well, it seems Deb and I have bounced back nicely from the little communication mishap the other night. And in fact, things have been heating up quite a bit lately. She has started to be much more forward about her desires, and has said outright that she can't wait to get me naked and that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Of course, this has meant that I have been harder for even longer periods of time, and have been basically living with a little bit of pre-cum in my undies constantly for a number of days now! Lol. I think I am literally going to explode the first time we get together. I have never been this worked up about a woman, and looked forward this much to being with someone.
I am only hoping that I can make it long enough to actually get to the point of being inside her. As excited and excitable as I have been, as pretty and sweet as she is, as nice a body as she has, the eagerness with which I am looking forward to seeing her naked - all these things conspire to have me cum three or four times before we ever get to that point! I guess I can hope that I am able to bring her to climax in a number of other ways - ways that I VERY much look forward to practicing on her... I have been fantasizing about - and I think this probably sounds a little weird, in fetish kind of way - caressing and kissing the tops of her feet. That, and going down on her like nobody's business!
We are supposed to be having an actual evening date, with no set time to have to be back to any kids or anything, this Saturday night. I am thinking chances are pretty high that we will get to act out some of these fantasies then. I am sure hoping so anyway. Otherwise, I think there is a serious risk of me actually DYING from blue balls! I know that Sunday, my nads hurt SO bad after we parted, for about 3 hours after. I was worried I might actually have to go to the doctor! We had gotten quite passionate in her car before we parted, and I felt the results of it.
On another subject entirely, I met with John and Ben last night for our annual "KBJ holiday dinner." We ate at Sauce and had a great time talking and catching up. I am blessed to have had such cool classmates and grateful that we have maintained our friendships long after school was over. Seems like they are both doing well too - especially John, as he bought a house in San Antonio and is really happy. Ben is still living with his parents. He bought a house, but is working on fixing it up I guess. He's a nice kid, definitely a unique person.
Life is good right now, it really is. I am just trying to take it as it comes, keep my meditation up, and be the best me I can be. So far, that seems to be working pretty well : )
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Communication is so fragile, also my issues about it
Turns out I still have issues with communication - surprise surprise! Yesterday was another one of those days where I sent a number of texts and emails, and only received a couple of texts back, and I allowed myself to get a little twisted about it. Now you would think that after the times that I have spent with Deb so far, and the way our relationship has progressed, and the work I have supposedly done on this issue, I would not allow myself to get worked up about it. But it seems I still have some work to do, as I did get a little passive aggressive last night on the phone, disappointed because I had sent her what I considered to be one of the most romantic emails ever, of all time, and didn't even get a response back. How dare she! Lol.
It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.
We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.
She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.
As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.
There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.
And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....
It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.
We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.
She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.
As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.
There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.
And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....
Monday, December 27, 2010
A nice relaxing Christmas, and the best keeps getting better,
today is yet another one of those "super slow inbetween holidays boss out on PTO extremely quiet inbetween project" days where I don't have a whole lot going on, so I slipped over the the not-so-secret TAS network to goof off a bit and do some blogging. Christmas was very mellow this year and we had a nice time. We went out to M & K's for Christmas Eve and enjoyed some homemade fajitas that Kristina and Marsh made. It was really fun hanging out and goofing with Q while they were making dinner. She was very social and warm, and we really had a lot of fun. After dinner, we played some Wii bowling on a system they had borrowed from some friends, and it was a gas. Tess beat the pants off Galen, Marshal and me, and we all had an awesome time while she did so. I think the kids really liked the gifts I got them too - the big ones being a 22" flatscreen tv for Galen, and the zebra stripe "bed in a bag" that Tessi had been wanting. That's not to mention that I had already given Tessi her new touchscreen phone, and already reactivated Galen's phone for Christmas as well.
Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.
Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!
The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.
Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.
Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.
Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!
The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.
Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Really??? No - really?
I was looking at the title of my post yesterday, and thinking of the pure irony of the fact that today, my blog is once again available by clicking "view this site now" - what the?!?! That's it - it's a conspiracy to drive me insane, plain and simple! Lol
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Yaaayyyy! I can get to my blog again! (oh yeah - and other updates...)
Wow, what do you know - I can access my blog again at work without having to bypass the web filter by clicking "View this site now." Yaaayyyy! I know, I know - it probably isn't the most productive or ethical thing for me to be blogging at work. But, I look at it like this : according to the state of Arizona labor laws, a person who works 8 hours is entitled to two 15 minute breaks in addition to lunch (and I know this is true from having done a little factory/warehouse work in my past). And, in the past, I would have taken these perdiods to smoke a cig. It's just that now, instead of smoking a cig (I quit New Year's Eve of 2006), I blog. How's that for a good rationalization/justification - written like a true addict! Haha
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Friday, December 17, 2010
GOTTA' say it somewhere
I just have to say this somewhere, so I am saying it here, loud and clear : I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH DEBBIE!!! Like head over heels, can't stop thinking about her, she has everything mentally AND physically I have ever wanted, have literally felt like I am in a romantic comedy in love. Last night, we met at Borders again, and I can honestly say that there were things that happened that were so awesome - I mean things that could only (or so I thought) happen in one of those movies. The best one of those was when we were kissing goodbye, and we had started to walk away from each other for the third or fourth ot fifth time, and all of a sudden, she turned back, ran towards me, and literally jumped on me! It was so, so - awesome! It wasn't some lustful type jump, but more of a "I'm crazy about you and don't want to let you go" type of jump. She even smacked my face a little on accident, and I said something that sounded totally like out of a movie; I said "Girl you are crazy! And as long as you are crazy about me, it's all good" or something like that.
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track
Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Yet....? Uh oh - first bumps in this new road
Ealier today I was thinking about writing another post, but thought it would be rather redundant to just say again "things are wonderful." And it's probably a good thing I didn't, as I now have something much more interesting to write about.
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Haven't messed up yet! haha
Ok, so that could be seen as a negative title. But, I look at it like this : for once, I am seeing that the person most responsible for all the breakups I have encountered is no one other than me. I used to like to say or think that I truly believed that, but I don't know that I ever accepted at a deep level within myself. Now, as I look back, I can see that more often than not - if not every single time - it was my issues, and not the ladies' that led to the demise of the relationships. So by making the funny statement that I did for the title is a fun way for me to acknowledge that and remind myself that everything is going well - it is for me to "mess up" or not. One would think that this realization would be a given, considering the fact that every breakup I have ever had, with the one exception being my marriage, was initiated by me. D'oh!
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
One step closer to the dream...
Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dare I say it - dream girl...?
That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!
Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
November Updates
Ok – so I have just GOT to take a break (I already have been, but apparently it wasn’t the right kind! Lol) from this monotonous coding I am doing. Somehow, we – I – got roped into doing a reporting application for this project called “BEAT,” and it has been extremely tedious, to say the least. I thought a couple of times that I would get out of it, as it has been the motto of the TES Dev team that “we don’t do reports” ever since I got here. But alas, all attempts to get someone else on another team to do them have failed, and I am stuck with them. Yay. I so love report writing/building. NOT! At least I am learning some things though, so that is good.
I am writing this in Word with the intentions of emailing it to myself so I can then post in on my blog – my ‘journal’ blog – which I have not posted to in some time. I have to go through all this rigmarole because they have blocked all Blogspot sites now at work – dang it all anyway! And, when I have been posting, I have been doing so to my latest blog, “108 Bows”, keeping track of the daily bows and my thoughts on them. That has been a great experience, and I am really glad I ran across them.
I thought that I probably ought to catch up a bit though on life stuff, as I haven’t done so for some time. Nothing has really changed. All done! Ha ha! In actuality, there has not been a lot of outward change, except of course for one big thing : I am dipping my toes back into the dating waters again. I had resolved to basically give up, but once again Diana convinced me (not so much convinced as successfully encouraged) to get back out there again. And so, I did just that – this time trying out yet another completely different site, OkCupid. It is one that Mike had recommended to me awhile back, but I actually ran across it doing a Google search for free dating sites. I put up a profile, and have been on there for like a month now…?
At first, it was EXTREMELY slow going. I tried some different things – changed my profile around, added some different pics, etc – and finally started getting some responses. This last Friday, I had my first meeting with someone – a woman named Pam. I had actually set up a meeting with another woman named Bunny on Friday night, but because it seemed like I would have much more in common with Pam, and the email convo seemed much livelier, I cancelled with Bunny and met Pam instead. She was sweet, but as often has happened, she was a little thicker than I prefer, particularly in the stomach area. I really do try to give everyone a shot and to be as nonjudgmental as possible. But I just am not attracted to women with big bellies. And now that I have lost so much weight, and am “Lean and mean,” I don’t consider myself hypocritical in saying that. As far as Bunny goes, she seemed a little ‘off’ to me, like very non-humorous, and maybe a bit dreary, so I don’t think I will be meeting her.
A very interesting prospect has arisen though – one I am very hopeful about. They have this ‘match rating ‘ thing on OkC where they send you a message with the images of 9 women, saying that one of them gave you(me) a good rating, and inviting me to rate all of the women whose images are attached. Then, if I rate one of the women who gave me a high rating (without knowing which woman has done that), they send an email to that woman letting her know that I gave her a high rating too. It actually is a pretty cool system, and I like the “mystery” part of it. It’s like a gameshow – not knowing which woman out of all of them may have rated me highly… kinda’ fun!
So anyway, I got one of those things, and went through rating the ladies. When I was finished, I checked my messages, and got a notification that a woman with the username ((( tn_3ogirl…? ))) rated me 4 or 5 stars too. When I looked back over her profile, she sounded sweet, and looked VERY cute to boot. Also, it looked like she was in good shape – BONUS! So I sent her a message, and we have been emailing the past 2 or 3 days. The pattern so far has been that I send her an email, she responds in the evening, and then I send her another one, etc, basically, just sending each other one a day. And this time, I am taking my time, and letting her control that pace – not sending like 10 a day, or asking if we can meet yet, or exchanging phone numbers – just taking it easy. I think the reason I can, and am doing that this time is that she seems like such a high quality prospect. For starters, she mentions right in her profile that she was raised in the South, with proper manners, and still says “please” and “thank you”; 2 big bonuses there – the politeness, and the southern accent (sexy!). On top of that, she displays good grammar, spelling and content in her emails (says Professor of English, Dr Wood! Lol) She always answers all of my questions, adds comments that relate to it regarding her, and then asks me questions in return. And to top it all off, she is very gracious, mentions that she looks forward to hearing back from me, and has made some sweet little compliments/comments that let me know she is interested (likes my smile, sais something to the effect that “all the good guys come from that part of town” in reference to where I live). So we’ll see what happens.
The one thing I am trying to really focus on this time is NOT SCREWING IT UP! Ha ha. That might sound like a no-brainer, but for me, has actually been very challenging, esp. when dealing with someone I have a deep interest in. I tended to go too far too quick, too seriously, and forget to take my time. I tended to forget that this part of getting to know each other can be fun, and doesn’t need to be rushed through to get to the part where we are dating. And I often forgot that my communication style and frequency (frequency primarily) is different than most, and I can expect others to meet up to it only at my peril. I used past-tense for all of those terms because that is what I used to do, tendencies I USED to have – no more. I am changing. I am learning from my past experiences. I am growing in my relationship skills and I am capable of making good decisions. I think I am ready to be a good relationship partner for someone, and a good “dater”.
I am also keeping in mind that she – Debbie is her name – is not necessarily “the one”. She could drop all communication today. I could end up never meeting her F2F. We could meet, and find out that there is no chemistry. We could meet, go out on a few dates, and then find that out, like what happened with Patricia. All of these things are possible, and statistically speaking much more likely than the possibility that she is “the one.” That is not to say that she couldn’t be – it is just to say that I will not be doing myself, her, or anyone else any favors by thinking and acting as if she is…
Wow, I just became fully conscious of what I am writing, and thought to myself “Right on Kevin! You/I am learning! Way to go!” It’s cool to have thoughts and realizations like that – it really is. I have been treating myself better too, literally. I went out this weekend and bought myself a really cool new faux leather jacket and some cool black casual shoes so I can look nice on dates. And you know what? I deserve it – I really do. I have worked hard – as a dad, as an employee, as a person in recovery, and as a human being trying to better himself. And for that, and everything in my life today, I am truly thankful : )
I am writing this in Word with the intentions of emailing it to myself so I can then post in on my blog – my ‘journal’ blog – which I have not posted to in some time. I have to go through all this rigmarole because they have blocked all Blogspot sites now at work – dang it all anyway! And, when I have been posting, I have been doing so to my latest blog, “108 Bows”, keeping track of the daily bows and my thoughts on them. That has been a great experience, and I am really glad I ran across them.
I thought that I probably ought to catch up a bit though on life stuff, as I haven’t done so for some time. Nothing has really changed. All done! Ha ha! In actuality, there has not been a lot of outward change, except of course for one big thing : I am dipping my toes back into the dating waters again. I had resolved to basically give up, but once again Diana convinced me (not so much convinced as successfully encouraged) to get back out there again. And so, I did just that – this time trying out yet another completely different site, OkCupid. It is one that Mike had recommended to me awhile back, but I actually ran across it doing a Google search for free dating sites. I put up a profile, and have been on there for like a month now…?
At first, it was EXTREMELY slow going. I tried some different things – changed my profile around, added some different pics, etc – and finally started getting some responses. This last Friday, I had my first meeting with someone – a woman named Pam. I had actually set up a meeting with another woman named Bunny on Friday night, but because it seemed like I would have much more in common with Pam, and the email convo seemed much livelier, I cancelled with Bunny and met Pam instead. She was sweet, but as often has happened, she was a little thicker than I prefer, particularly in the stomach area. I really do try to give everyone a shot and to be as nonjudgmental as possible. But I just am not attracted to women with big bellies. And now that I have lost so much weight, and am “Lean and mean,” I don’t consider myself hypocritical in saying that. As far as Bunny goes, she seemed a little ‘off’ to me, like very non-humorous, and maybe a bit dreary, so I don’t think I will be meeting her.
A very interesting prospect has arisen though – one I am very hopeful about. They have this ‘match rating ‘ thing on OkC where they send you a message with the images of 9 women, saying that one of them gave you(me) a good rating, and inviting me to rate all of the women whose images are attached. Then, if I rate one of the women who gave me a high rating (without knowing which woman has done that), they send an email to that woman letting her know that I gave her a high rating too. It actually is a pretty cool system, and I like the “mystery” part of it. It’s like a gameshow – not knowing which woman out of all of them may have rated me highly… kinda’ fun!
So anyway, I got one of those things, and went through rating the ladies. When I was finished, I checked my messages, and got a notification that a woman with the username ((( tn_3ogirl…? ))) rated me 4 or 5 stars too. When I looked back over her profile, she sounded sweet, and looked VERY cute to boot. Also, it looked like she was in good shape – BONUS! So I sent her a message, and we have been emailing the past 2 or 3 days. The pattern so far has been that I send her an email, she responds in the evening, and then I send her another one, etc, basically, just sending each other one a day. And this time, I am taking my time, and letting her control that pace – not sending like 10 a day, or asking if we can meet yet, or exchanging phone numbers – just taking it easy. I think the reason I can, and am doing that this time is that she seems like such a high quality prospect. For starters, she mentions right in her profile that she was raised in the South, with proper manners, and still says “please” and “thank you”; 2 big bonuses there – the politeness, and the southern accent (sexy!). On top of that, she displays good grammar, spelling and content in her emails (says Professor of English, Dr Wood! Lol) She always answers all of my questions, adds comments that relate to it regarding her, and then asks me questions in return. And to top it all off, she is very gracious, mentions that she looks forward to hearing back from me, and has made some sweet little compliments/comments that let me know she is interested (likes my smile, sais something to the effect that “all the good guys come from that part of town” in reference to where I live). So we’ll see what happens.
The one thing I am trying to really focus on this time is NOT SCREWING IT UP! Ha ha. That might sound like a no-brainer, but for me, has actually been very challenging, esp. when dealing with someone I have a deep interest in. I tended to go too far too quick, too seriously, and forget to take my time. I tended to forget that this part of getting to know each other can be fun, and doesn’t need to be rushed through to get to the part where we are dating. And I often forgot that my communication style and frequency (frequency primarily) is different than most, and I can expect others to meet up to it only at my peril. I used past-tense for all of those terms because that is what I used to do, tendencies I USED to have – no more. I am changing. I am learning from my past experiences. I am growing in my relationship skills and I am capable of making good decisions. I think I am ready to be a good relationship partner for someone, and a good “dater”.
I am also keeping in mind that she – Debbie is her name – is not necessarily “the one”. She could drop all communication today. I could end up never meeting her F2F. We could meet, and find out that there is no chemistry. We could meet, go out on a few dates, and then find that out, like what happened with Patricia. All of these things are possible, and statistically speaking much more likely than the possibility that she is “the one.” That is not to say that she couldn’t be – it is just to say that I will not be doing myself, her, or anyone else any favors by thinking and acting as if she is…
Wow, I just became fully conscious of what I am writing, and thought to myself “Right on Kevin! You/I am learning! Way to go!” It’s cool to have thoughts and realizations like that – it really is. I have been treating myself better too, literally. I went out this weekend and bought myself a really cool new faux leather jacket and some cool black casual shoes so I can look nice on dates. And you know what? I deserve it – I really do. I have worked hard – as a dad, as an employee, as a person in recovery, and as a human being trying to better himself. And for that, and everything in my life today, I am truly thankful : )
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Facebook sucks - Galen's antics
Once again, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account - probably for much longer this time, if I ever reactivate it at all. Yesterday, I got call from Galen's English teacher who told me that during a discussion on religion in his clasee, Galen popped off with "fuck God", prompting the teacher to have him removed from the class and writing a referral for him. I found this utterly offensive, and posted something about it on FB last night - with the expectations (WARNING - I KNOW about those things, yet I had them anyway) that someone, a friend perhaps, would post something offering some kind of support or something. Instead, Luke, and then Heather, posted some comments about Galen's constitutional rights, and how he shouldn't have been removed by security - that he should have just been given detention or something.
Well, I didn't like either of their comments - not one fucking bit. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was some defense of poor Galen's rights! What the fuck? I was so upset about it after reading them in my Netzero emails that I sent an email to Heather and Luke telling them what I thought - how I doubted that if either of their kids did something like that that they would be worried about the kids' rights. I haven't heard back from Luke yet, but Heather did call around noon. I missed the call, wouldn't have picked up anyway. She left a message saying that she was sorry, that she was upset, and that she would like to talk.
As for Luke, I am pissed at him. Because not only did he leave that comment, he also left another one that angered me. I left a post after that first one pondering why it was that whenever I wanted an email from someone, I didn't get one, and then when I didn't want one, I would get one. His response to that was "Big Baby." Which he probably thought was pretty funny. But given my current emotional state and the shit I have been going through - yeahhhhh... not so funny.
So I deactivated that fucking Facebook account, probably for good this time. I really don't use it hardly at all anyway. Most everyone on there just plays those stupid farm and mafia wars and other games, and it seems like the only real people that I communicate with on there, I email and/or talk to anyway. So what's the point? It's not like I have this big family on there to share pics with. And now, the people I consider friends are just pissing me off with comments made without knowing where I am in my head. I am sure that in person, and most likely in emails too, that is not as likely to happen.
And so I say "good fucking riddance" to Facebook again. Piss off! For good.
Well, I didn't like either of their comments - not one fucking bit. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was some defense of poor Galen's rights! What the fuck? I was so upset about it after reading them in my Netzero emails that I sent an email to Heather and Luke telling them what I thought - how I doubted that if either of their kids did something like that that they would be worried about the kids' rights. I haven't heard back from Luke yet, but Heather did call around noon. I missed the call, wouldn't have picked up anyway. She left a message saying that she was sorry, that she was upset, and that she would like to talk.
As for Luke, I am pissed at him. Because not only did he leave that comment, he also left another one that angered me. I left a post after that first one pondering why it was that whenever I wanted an email from someone, I didn't get one, and then when I didn't want one, I would get one. His response to that was "Big Baby." Which he probably thought was pretty funny. But given my current emotional state and the shit I have been going through - yeahhhhh... not so funny.
So I deactivated that fucking Facebook account, probably for good this time. I really don't use it hardly at all anyway. Most everyone on there just plays those stupid farm and mafia wars and other games, and it seems like the only real people that I communicate with on there, I email and/or talk to anyway. So what's the point? It's not like I have this big family on there to share pics with. And now, the people I consider friends are just pissing me off with comments made without knowing where I am in my head. I am sure that in person, and most likely in emails too, that is not as likely to happen.
And so I say "good fucking riddance" to Facebook again. Piss off! For good.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Don't email me - I won't email you
I have noticed lately that it seems with all the women I email regularly, or have in the past - e.g. Heather, Joanie, Barbara, Tina - really only email in response to something I write; they rarely ever send/sent an email just for the purpose of saying "hi" or to ask me what's up with me or tell me what's going on with them. The one person I can honestly say this does not apply to is Ty. She has always (or almost always) been good about either emailing me out of nowhere, or at least replying promptly. That is something else I have issues with too - emailing someone, and not getting a response for what seems like days. Of course, because of my unrealistic expectations, it only seems like days, and in reality is probably only hours.
I have had a bit of an 'awakening' today though - a moment of clarity, if you will : if I simply don't send people emails, either in my personal life or here at work (as there are people here too who take issue with the fact that I 'expect' prompt responses! Lol), then I don't have to be concerned with their response, because there can be none. If I do get an email from one of them, it is unsolicited, and can be viewed as a bit of a surprise, like "oh wow! How nice of (insert name here) to send me an email!""
Now for this to work of course, I have to NOT email any of those people. And for me, because I enjoy communicating, and on a more selfish level probably, want to get a response. it is hard for me not to email. Because with most of those women, if I don't/didn't send one of them something, it could be a very long time (for me), before I heard from them - if ever at all. And therein lies my challenge : to be ok with not getting any emails from any women - be they friends, potential dating partners, or even pen pals. As I said before, I am not including Ty in all this, as we seem to have some total connection, understanding and completely similar ideas about what communication between friends "should" look like.
It's funny - I was thinking last night how much I miss texting in a flirting way with someone too. I guess that is another aspect of this too. It's nice to have someone to flirt with. I think that is one of the things I miss the most about having an intimate partner - the flirting, sexting, and so on. Oh well. I should probably just let that whole thought process go for now.
It doesn't do any good to dwell on it really, because I am not doing anything to actually find someone, and I have no plans on doing so anytime soon. I have actually popped into PlentyOfFish and a few other sites lately, and after about 20 seconds, I think "bleh", and navigate away. I am still burnt out on the whole process. And it seems that when I look at the pics, I just see all the same women - similar wants, similar stories, similar descriptions, etc... To which, I say "blah blah blahhh....."
I think the key is to just not go from where I am now "down the rabbit hole" (as Diana says! Ha ha) that leads to the whole spiral of negative self talk and hopelessness that I always seem to find myself engaging in after a time. But this time, I am hoping to avoid that pitfall, and remain in the state of acceptance I am in at this very moment : grateful to be alive and sober; aware of the many benefits of being single; and taking comfort in the fact that just because I am single now doesn't mean I will always be. It is what it is for now - nothing more, nothing less. And things are good now. They really are. I just need to remember and hold on to that : )
I have had a bit of an 'awakening' today though - a moment of clarity, if you will : if I simply don't send people emails, either in my personal life or here at work (as there are people here too who take issue with the fact that I 'expect' prompt responses! Lol), then I don't have to be concerned with their response, because there can be none. If I do get an email from one of them, it is unsolicited, and can be viewed as a bit of a surprise, like "oh wow! How nice of (insert name here) to send me an email!""
Now for this to work of course, I have to NOT email any of those people. And for me, because I enjoy communicating, and on a more selfish level probably, want to get a response. it is hard for me not to email. Because with most of those women, if I don't/didn't send one of them something, it could be a very long time (for me), before I heard from them - if ever at all. And therein lies my challenge : to be ok with not getting any emails from any women - be they friends, potential dating partners, or even pen pals. As I said before, I am not including Ty in all this, as we seem to have some total connection, understanding and completely similar ideas about what communication between friends "should" look like.
It's funny - I was thinking last night how much I miss texting in a flirting way with someone too. I guess that is another aspect of this too. It's nice to have someone to flirt with. I think that is one of the things I miss the most about having an intimate partner - the flirting, sexting, and so on. Oh well. I should probably just let that whole thought process go for now.
It doesn't do any good to dwell on it really, because I am not doing anything to actually find someone, and I have no plans on doing so anytime soon. I have actually popped into PlentyOfFish and a few other sites lately, and after about 20 seconds, I think "bleh", and navigate away. I am still burnt out on the whole process. And it seems that when I look at the pics, I just see all the same women - similar wants, similar stories, similar descriptions, etc... To which, I say "blah blah blahhh....."
I think the key is to just not go from where I am now "down the rabbit hole" (as Diana says! Ha ha) that leads to the whole spiral of negative self talk and hopelessness that I always seem to find myself engaging in after a time. But this time, I am hoping to avoid that pitfall, and remain in the state of acceptance I am in at this very moment : grateful to be alive and sober; aware of the many benefits of being single; and taking comfort in the fact that just because I am single now doesn't mean I will always be. It is what it is for now - nothing more, nothing less. And things are good now. They really are. I just need to remember and hold on to that : )
Monday, November 1, 2010
Cynicism - the (new) American pasttime
I was going to post this on my 'humorous' site, "The Numbsung Hero," but after thinking about it, realized it' not really that funny. In fact, it is more sad than anything else. I have noticed lately that any time I send an email out about some new proposal or some new idea that is being tossed around, almost everyone comes back with some form of negative response, basically something like, "oh, that will never happen." The latest example was an email I sent out about a gov't study being funded to determine the feasibility of developing a bullet train between Las Vegas and Phoenix. I thought this was kind of exciting, and something worth checking out.
But instead of excitement, most of the replies I got were things like I wrote above - it will never happen, not in our lifetime, blah blah blah. At first, I wanted to get angry at "those" people, and stand in righteous judgment saying "THEY are so cynical and negative - how dare they!" But then I started thinking about my views on politics... on the nature of manangement at my company, and in America in general... about the division of wealth between the poorest and the richest. And suddenly, I realized that what really irks me about all these people is that they reflect a part of me that I don't like - that part that is so cynical and jaded that it sees no hope of change - ever. Looking at this, I wonder I many people think that I am one of those negative, cynical people they would rather not talk or listen to about certain things.
I think this is one of the clearest examples I have ever experienced in my own life of that principle that basically says "you spot it, you got it;" that those things we see in others that really irrirate us are those things in ourselves that we don't like. Knowing that, I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be cynical anymore - or at least not outwardly. I don't want to foster hopelessness, even if that is what I am thinking about something inside. I want to be someone who sees the positive, and who believes that there is always hope, and who speaks and acts in a manner that demonstrates that. That's who I want to be.
So from today forward, I pledge to make a conscious effort to be more positive about every subject - even those that I have viewed so negatively for so long, like politics. And I can practice the old practice of not saying anything unless I have something nice to say. Maybe I can't change the entire world; maybe I can't stop hunger, war, or hatred; maybe I can't change the way politics are practiced. But what I can do is change the way I present myself to the world and the energy I exude. Yep, that I can do. And I am going to, starting right now : )
But instead of excitement, most of the replies I got were things like I wrote above - it will never happen, not in our lifetime, blah blah blah. At first, I wanted to get angry at "those" people, and stand in righteous judgment saying "THEY are so cynical and negative - how dare they!" But then I started thinking about my views on politics... on the nature of manangement at my company, and in America in general... about the division of wealth between the poorest and the richest. And suddenly, I realized that what really irks me about all these people is that they reflect a part of me that I don't like - that part that is so cynical and jaded that it sees no hope of change - ever. Looking at this, I wonder I many people think that I am one of those negative, cynical people they would rather not talk or listen to about certain things.
I think this is one of the clearest examples I have ever experienced in my own life of that principle that basically says "you spot it, you got it;" that those things we see in others that really irrirate us are those things in ourselves that we don't like. Knowing that, I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be cynical anymore - or at least not outwardly. I don't want to foster hopelessness, even if that is what I am thinking about something inside. I want to be someone who sees the positive, and who believes that there is always hope, and who speaks and acts in a manner that demonstrates that. That's who I want to be.
So from today forward, I pledge to make a conscious effort to be more positive about every subject - even those that I have viewed so negatively for so long, like politics. And I can practice the old practice of not saying anything unless I have something nice to say. Maybe I can't change the entire world; maybe I can't stop hunger, war, or hatred; maybe I can't change the way politics are practiced. But what I can do is change the way I present myself to the world and the energy I exude. Yep, that I can do. And I am going to, starting right now : )
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Update on pen pal
I have thought about posting a number of times lately, and then always decided against it because I really didn't think I had much to post about. But, I am wanting a break from some rather monotonous coding I am doing (generating a PDF document in the code behind - fun stuff!), and I don't have any fun emails to read or responses to send out, so here I am : )
First off, I can say that I did find a pen pal - at least I think I did. I got an email back from this woman named Joanie who is supposedly some meditation retreat leader, saying that she was surprised at how many similarities we share and asking me to send a pic along, as she likes to have a visual of the person she is communicating with. So I sent her a response last night along with a couple of pics. Haven't heard back from her yet, but I am trying to keep in mind that I am what you might call a "hyper-communicator," and that 99% of the population does not, and will not be able to keep up with the frequency or timeliness of my communication. That one has proved to be very challenging for me - to realize how unrealistic my expectations are in that area, and to accept that it is I who has the 'issue,' and the other 99% of the population. I'm still trying to find a "work-around" for that realization! Ha ha
In other news, I took a couple of days off this last weekend - the Friday before and the Monday after, and was really stoked to get some good stuff done. First, I finally got around to really looking into the "Lamp Out" warning light on my truck, and decided to pull the tail light covers off and see if, just maybe, the actual bulbs themselves were burnt out. I remembered Ty telling me some time back that one of them was out, and if both were now, it seemed likely that it wasn't a switch issue (as the guy at Jiffy Lube suggested) because if it was, they both would have gone out at the same time. So, I checked the owner's manual out, found out how to take the covers off, did that, and lo and behold - both of the bulbs WERE burned out! So I ran to Checker, bought some new ones for $5, put 'em in, and after 4 or 5 months, the Lamp Out light is finally off. Yaaayyy!
Then, I thought I would stop by the Banner Federal Credit Union to see about refinancing my truck. I was hoping maybe I could get a better interest rates and lower my payment a bit. But because I had applied for a credit card or 2 lately (so I could try to consolidate all my credit cards) and been declined, I was a little leery about, thinking I might not qualify. But I went down and filled out an app anyway to give it a shot. About 2 hours later, the lady called me on my cell, and from the sound of her voice, I could tell I had been declined. But I hadn't - I was APPROVED! I was (and still am) sooooo stoked! I got my rate lowered to 5.9% interest, and my monthly payments, over the same term (3 yrs left) will be $100 lower. To top it off, she said my credit looked good, that there were no negatives on it, and that even my BK wasn't showing up. I felt like I won the lottery, but even better, seeing as how I have really worked hard to manage my credit responsibly and make all my payments on time. I am carrying balances that are too high (65%+) on my credit cards - that she acknowledged - but that's it, all she saw that could be negative.
In other, somewhat more somber news, I heard from Todd that Big Rob from CA passed away this weekend and was found deceased in his house. That same night, Saturday, Randall wrecked his motorcycle and is apparently in critical condition in the ICU at John C Lincoln North. I haven't really gotten any details on that yet - I don't think anyone has really. I do know, from what I read on his FB wall and from what Kathy B told me, that he had some head trauma, and was fading in and out of consciousness. He was one of those "no gear" riders, and unfortunately, it sounds like that might have really worked against him as far as the head injury goes. I just hope he comes out of it ok and that there is no serious or lasting brain injury.
So yeah, I guess there really was a lot to write about, wasn't there? It's funny, my perspective... if there is no major chaos in my personal life, or no major issues I am dealing with, I tend to think I have nothing to write about; perhaps because I use writing in my journal as a form of therapy. But, and a couple of people (including Diana) have suggested this to me, I need to acknowledge the good stuff too, and to realize that it is just as worthy of being captured in my journal, and just as therapeutic as the other stuff. And I guess, by writing this today, I am starting to see that... Either that, or I am just REALLY bored!!! Ha ha ha!
First off, I can say that I did find a pen pal - at least I think I did. I got an email back from this woman named Joanie who is supposedly some meditation retreat leader, saying that she was surprised at how many similarities we share and asking me to send a pic along, as she likes to have a visual of the person she is communicating with. So I sent her a response last night along with a couple of pics. Haven't heard back from her yet, but I am trying to keep in mind that I am what you might call a "hyper-communicator," and that 99% of the population does not, and will not be able to keep up with the frequency or timeliness of my communication. That one has proved to be very challenging for me - to realize how unrealistic my expectations are in that area, and to accept that it is I who has the 'issue,' and the other 99% of the population. I'm still trying to find a "work-around" for that realization! Ha ha
In other news, I took a couple of days off this last weekend - the Friday before and the Monday after, and was really stoked to get some good stuff done. First, I finally got around to really looking into the "Lamp Out" warning light on my truck, and decided to pull the tail light covers off and see if, just maybe, the actual bulbs themselves were burnt out. I remembered Ty telling me some time back that one of them was out, and if both were now, it seemed likely that it wasn't a switch issue (as the guy at Jiffy Lube suggested) because if it was, they both would have gone out at the same time. So, I checked the owner's manual out, found out how to take the covers off, did that, and lo and behold - both of the bulbs WERE burned out! So I ran to Checker, bought some new ones for $5, put 'em in, and after 4 or 5 months, the Lamp Out light is finally off. Yaaayyy!
Then, I thought I would stop by the Banner Federal Credit Union to see about refinancing my truck. I was hoping maybe I could get a better interest rates and lower my payment a bit. But because I had applied for a credit card or 2 lately (so I could try to consolidate all my credit cards) and been declined, I was a little leery about, thinking I might not qualify. But I went down and filled out an app anyway to give it a shot. About 2 hours later, the lady called me on my cell, and from the sound of her voice, I could tell I had been declined. But I hadn't - I was APPROVED! I was (and still am) sooooo stoked! I got my rate lowered to 5.9% interest, and my monthly payments, over the same term (3 yrs left) will be $100 lower. To top it off, she said my credit looked good, that there were no negatives on it, and that even my BK wasn't showing up. I felt like I won the lottery, but even better, seeing as how I have really worked hard to manage my credit responsibly and make all my payments on time. I am carrying balances that are too high (65%+) on my credit cards - that she acknowledged - but that's it, all she saw that could be negative.
In other, somewhat more somber news, I heard from Todd that Big Rob from CA passed away this weekend and was found deceased in his house. That same night, Saturday, Randall wrecked his motorcycle and is apparently in critical condition in the ICU at John C Lincoln North. I haven't really gotten any details on that yet - I don't think anyone has really. I do know, from what I read on his FB wall and from what Kathy B told me, that he had some head trauma, and was fading in and out of consciousness. He was one of those "no gear" riders, and unfortunately, it sounds like that might have really worked against him as far as the head injury goes. I just hope he comes out of it ok and that there is no serious or lasting brain injury.
So yeah, I guess there really was a lot to write about, wasn't there? It's funny, my perspective... if there is no major chaos in my personal life, or no major issues I am dealing with, I tend to think I have nothing to write about; perhaps because I use writing in my journal as a form of therapy. But, and a couple of people (including Diana) have suggested this to me, I need to acknowledge the good stuff too, and to realize that it is just as worthy of being captured in my journal, and just as therapeutic as the other stuff. And I guess, by writing this today, I am starting to see that... Either that, or I am just REALLY bored!!! Ha ha ha!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Looking for a pen pal
I decided to take an entirely different approach at things last night. I was thinking about how it is the communication aspect I like so much about the whole 'relationship' thing, and so I thought if maybe there were some ways, other than looking for a "match" on some dating site, that I might be able to find a good, old-fashioned pen pal - someone to correspond with in a friendly manner about day to day things; someone objective to share thoughts and feelings with; someone to get to know who lives an entirely separate life. So I decided to hit the net and see what I could find.
Well, to my somewhat surprise (not total though), I found that most of the so-called pen pal sites that I found through Google were simply dating sites by another name. Sure, some of them had all the trappings of a legit pen pal site - 'make friends, spread peace and understanding, blah blah blah...' when in reality, they are just dating sites under another name. After poking around for awhile, and even creating a profile on one of the sites only to delete it after finding out what it really was, I finally came across one that just might be legit - and yet sounds like it wouldn't be - oh, the irony : penpalparty.com.
So I created a profile, and even sent off a message to a lady I found through the site who sounds like she might be interesting. Supposedly, she is a meditation retreat leader, so I am thinking she might be interesting to correspond with. She sent me a brief email this morning, which I sent a rather lengthy reply to. But I have not yet heard back from her. Who knows what will come of it. I definitely have NO expectations about it. I just think it would be fun to have that kind of relationship with someone - purely, by its very nature, platonic, and based solely on personality and character. It sounds fascinating to me. Of course, that opportunity has always existed, but for some reason, knowing that the person is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away makes it even more intriguing.
I was thinking today that I want to modify my profile tonight to mention that I would really like to correspond with a woman from Europe. I think it would be fascinating to run some things by her and see how different their attitudes are about certain things - or perhaps how similar they are. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have some serious issues with American women, and am curious to know if it is really just American women, or all women in general! Ha ha! Hopefully this will turn out to be fun.
Tonight I have an appt with Diana and I am planning on talking to her a bit about the holidays and how I don' want to do them this year as I have in the past, by going to Mike and Teri's. I am curious to find out what she will say. On a similar note, Galen went to see his counsellor for the first time without me last night, and I think it went pretty well - especially considering some of the things he was talking about last night - things like that fact that he thinks he wants to become a biomedical engineer or something so he can work on finding the cure for cancer (what the...?) It was pretty hard for me to believe, as up this point, his life goal has been to be a tattoo artist or manager at Zia's. I can't help but think his counsellor must have talked to him a bit about his choices in life and later career opportunities. Of course, it remains to be seen if he sticks with his newfound academic dedication (he said as part of this that he is going to stop ditching and start working hard to pull his grades up so he can get into a good university).
But I am grateful for any small amount of hope in any form it comes in at this point. Things have seemed so bleak with hi for so long that even a little thing like this is very, very welcome - albeit incredibly strange and somewhat unbelievable too! Lol. Overall, we have been getting along much better too, so the house has been much more peaceful - thank God for that. Well, almost meeting time. Good thing to, as I have had NO motivation to do anything like work for the last week or 2. I decided to take this Friday and the following Monday off on PTO. Maybe that little break will help recharge my "development batteries" so I can find SOME shred of motivation again. I sure hope so! Ha ha
Well, to my somewhat surprise (not total though), I found that most of the so-called pen pal sites that I found through Google were simply dating sites by another name. Sure, some of them had all the trappings of a legit pen pal site - 'make friends, spread peace and understanding, blah blah blah...' when in reality, they are just dating sites under another name. After poking around for awhile, and even creating a profile on one of the sites only to delete it after finding out what it really was, I finally came across one that just might be legit - and yet sounds like it wouldn't be - oh, the irony : penpalparty.com.
So I created a profile, and even sent off a message to a lady I found through the site who sounds like she might be interesting. Supposedly, she is a meditation retreat leader, so I am thinking she might be interesting to correspond with. She sent me a brief email this morning, which I sent a rather lengthy reply to. But I have not yet heard back from her. Who knows what will come of it. I definitely have NO expectations about it. I just think it would be fun to have that kind of relationship with someone - purely, by its very nature, platonic, and based solely on personality and character. It sounds fascinating to me. Of course, that opportunity has always existed, but for some reason, knowing that the person is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away makes it even more intriguing.
I was thinking today that I want to modify my profile tonight to mention that I would really like to correspond with a woman from Europe. I think it would be fascinating to run some things by her and see how different their attitudes are about certain things - or perhaps how similar they are. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have some serious issues with American women, and am curious to know if it is really just American women, or all women in general! Ha ha! Hopefully this will turn out to be fun.
Tonight I have an appt with Diana and I am planning on talking to her a bit about the holidays and how I don' want to do them this year as I have in the past, by going to Mike and Teri's. I am curious to find out what she will say. On a similar note, Galen went to see his counsellor for the first time without me last night, and I think it went pretty well - especially considering some of the things he was talking about last night - things like that fact that he thinks he wants to become a biomedical engineer or something so he can work on finding the cure for cancer (what the...?) It was pretty hard for me to believe, as up this point, his life goal has been to be a tattoo artist or manager at Zia's. I can't help but think his counsellor must have talked to him a bit about his choices in life and later career opportunities. Of course, it remains to be seen if he sticks with his newfound academic dedication (he said as part of this that he is going to stop ditching and start working hard to pull his grades up so he can get into a good university).
But I am grateful for any small amount of hope in any form it comes in at this point. Things have seemed so bleak with hi for so long that even a little thing like this is very, very welcome - albeit incredibly strange and somewhat unbelievable too! Lol. Overall, we have been getting along much better too, so the house has been much more peaceful - thank God for that. Well, almost meeting time. Good thing to, as I have had NO motivation to do anything like work for the last week or 2. I decided to take this Friday and the following Monday off on PTO. Maybe that little break will help recharge my "development batteries" so I can find SOME shred of motivation again. I sure hope so! Ha ha
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Blah blah blah
I am sitting here feeling kind of blah. Not really feeling down or anything - just kind of blah. I was thinking that it would be cool to start up some kind of pen pal relationship with someone, but electronically. Looking back at the relationships I have had recently, I realize that is the one thing I really miss (other than the sex - at least in Tina's case anyway) : the correspondence. I really like corresponding with someone, emailing, texting... it's fun. Even moreso than talking on the phone I think.
I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.
I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.
I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.
I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.
I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.
I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.
I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.
I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Truly, really, honestly done - at least for the foreseeable future
It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.
I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.
I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.
Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.
Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.
I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.
I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.
Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.
Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Miracles do happen
Last night, as we sat down to dinner, Galen got upset at Tessi for "lying" : she asked if she could say a blessing, and I said as long as it didn't include something about her doing well in cheerleader tryouts, as that wasn't appropriate. She came back with a little "I know," then hesitated, and said "never mind." Well, Galen took that to be 'lying,' and he got all uspet about it. He kept going on and on about it, adding comments about how I used to beat him with a belt whenever he lied, and wondering why Tessi didn't get the same. I of course disputed his claims, but he kept ranting and ranting and raving until I finally ended up asking him to leave the table - which he did.
He left after dinner for a while, to go to Anthony's he said. About 2 hours later he came back home, and to my complete and utter amazement, he apologized for getting all upset at dinner - all on his own, without me saynig a word, and in a very honest and genuine way. I was flabbergasted! I can't remember him ever doing such a thing, especially completely of his own volition. It was funny, because after he did, Tessi was going into the bathroom to take a shower and said, "don't take this the wrong way, but it's about time." Leave it to her to say what I wanted to in some sense but didn't! Fortunately, I don't think he heard it, as I was concerned that would just start something else.
Later last night and this morning, I found myself thinking "what does he want?" It seems the only reasonable explanation I could come up with for such a display of true remorse is that he wants something - money, privileges, more hair dye, something. And so he has to butter me up so when he asks, I am more likely to say yes. As of this morning, he hasn't asked. Oh, and I almost forgot - to top things off, after he apologized, he actually got a notebook out and started working on homework! Talk about the end of days or something. At that point, I was truly fearful that perhaps I had died and crossed over, or that he had been replaced with an automaton or something (of course, that would not really be so much frightnening as just plain interesting...)
So I guess today I will find out, probably by this evening, if it truly was merely a ploy to prepare me for the asking. Or, if by some strange miracle, he actually is starting to take SOME small interest in something other than being contrary, divisive, uncaring and lazy. Either way, it was nice to hear an actual apology, even if it was merely to manipulate me. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get! Ha ha!
He left after dinner for a while, to go to Anthony's he said. About 2 hours later he came back home, and to my complete and utter amazement, he apologized for getting all upset at dinner - all on his own, without me saynig a word, and in a very honest and genuine way. I was flabbergasted! I can't remember him ever doing such a thing, especially completely of his own volition. It was funny, because after he did, Tessi was going into the bathroom to take a shower and said, "don't take this the wrong way, but it's about time." Leave it to her to say what I wanted to in some sense but didn't! Fortunately, I don't think he heard it, as I was concerned that would just start something else.
Later last night and this morning, I found myself thinking "what does he want?" It seems the only reasonable explanation I could come up with for such a display of true remorse is that he wants something - money, privileges, more hair dye, something. And so he has to butter me up so when he asks, I am more likely to say yes. As of this morning, he hasn't asked. Oh, and I almost forgot - to top things off, after he apologized, he actually got a notebook out and started working on homework! Talk about the end of days or something. At that point, I was truly fearful that perhaps I had died and crossed over, or that he had been replaced with an automaton or something (of course, that would not really be so much frightnening as just plain interesting...)
So I guess today I will find out, probably by this evening, if it truly was merely a ploy to prepare me for the asking. Or, if by some strange miracle, he actually is starting to take SOME small interest in something other than being contrary, divisive, uncaring and lazy. Either way, it was nice to hear an actual apology, even if it was merely to manipulate me. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get! Ha ha!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The voice unheard
Today we have a meeting at work to go over results of an employee survey called "The Voice of the Employee" where we gave feedback about our job, our directors, etc. Typically, these things have been seen as a sham, because everyone just answers all 5's (where 5 is "everything is hunky dory) because if they don't, then we all have to come up with some kind of 'action plan' to address the things that need worked on. And because this basically just amounts to more work for everyone, and no one wants to do it, they just answer "everything's great." So, in essence, it is completely worthless.
This new survey replaced the old one we used to have, the Q12, and is supposed to somehow be better. I honestly don't think it will, can't see how it is really any different. And because Al is not so good at accepting constructive criticism - at least not in my personal experience - I think it is going to be absolutely pointless. I, for one, don't plan on saying a word. I have already had some negative experiences with him when I tried to voice my opinion about things, so I will speak only when facts are involved. To me, this is more like a "speak up so I can identify who likes me and thinks I'm great and who doesn't." If he was a good manager, and had good communication skills, it might be an actual feedback session where we all work together to figure out ways to improve processes and communication. But he is neither, so it won't be.
I think that after this one, if it goes like I think it is going to, I am going to send an email to a higher up and ask what the real point of these things is, and state my belief that they are a waste of time. I think someone needs to know, if for no other reason that to just be able to excuse myself from them because I find them so uncomfortable. We'll see though - maybe today will be different. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's almost like thinking that maybe within the next month or 2 I will find some beautiful, wonderful woman to share a relationship with - HA HA HA HA HA! Lol!
Hey, it's better to laugh at this stuff and find some humor in it. Because to me, it's like wanting the sky to be green, and really not liking that it is blue : I can either scream and cry about it, making myself and everyone else miserable, be all bummed, hopeless and depressed about it feeling helpless, or I can just accept it and find the humor in the situation. For years, I wanted to be the "agent of change." And the only change it ever created was in the attitudes of people - usually my superiors - towards me, from good to bad. Today, I am ok with, as John Lennon said, "just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll...."
This new survey replaced the old one we used to have, the Q12, and is supposed to somehow be better. I honestly don't think it will, can't see how it is really any different. And because Al is not so good at accepting constructive criticism - at least not in my personal experience - I think it is going to be absolutely pointless. I, for one, don't plan on saying a word. I have already had some negative experiences with him when I tried to voice my opinion about things, so I will speak only when facts are involved. To me, this is more like a "speak up so I can identify who likes me and thinks I'm great and who doesn't." If he was a good manager, and had good communication skills, it might be an actual feedback session where we all work together to figure out ways to improve processes and communication. But he is neither, so it won't be.
I think that after this one, if it goes like I think it is going to, I am going to send an email to a higher up and ask what the real point of these things is, and state my belief that they are a waste of time. I think someone needs to know, if for no other reason that to just be able to excuse myself from them because I find them so uncomfortable. We'll see though - maybe today will be different. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's almost like thinking that maybe within the next month or 2 I will find some beautiful, wonderful woman to share a relationship with - HA HA HA HA HA! Lol!
Hey, it's better to laugh at this stuff and find some humor in it. Because to me, it's like wanting the sky to be green, and really not liking that it is blue : I can either scream and cry about it, making myself and everyone else miserable, be all bummed, hopeless and depressed about it feeling helpless, or I can just accept it and find the humor in the situation. For years, I wanted to be the "agent of change." And the only change it ever created was in the attitudes of people - usually my superiors - towards me, from good to bad. Today, I am ok with, as John Lennon said, "just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll...."
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Feeling better, thank goodness
I have started getting back to feeling good over the last few days, and after almost 2 weeks of depression, I am very grateful. I got a much needed break from both kids this weekend, as Galen stayed over at Alex's and Tessi over at Gen's. I really needed it, and I made good use of it too. Saturday, I went to my first ACoA meeting, and it was very, very good. I am definitely going to start attending regularly. It almost reminded me of some of the better Knights retreats I went on, where people got real honest and expressed a lot of emotion, a lot of hurt and pain. I could TOTALLY relate to what people shared too, and that was nice. So I will definitely go back again this Satruday.
Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.
Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed - not to mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.
This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!
Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...
Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.
Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed - not to mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.
This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!
Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Darned bed bugs
I had a nice session with Diana last night and came out with some great material I am going to use to create some "scripts" for me to use to help reprogram my thoughts and get unstuck, and away from all the negative self-talk. She took me through some rational self-analysis exercises and we focused on 2 primary areas : dating, and Galen. So there is some good work to be done there. But today, I am more interested in capturing some other interesting, albiet unwelcome news, about my life : bed bugs in my bedroom, and the headache they have created.
Actually, instead of retyping all this, I am going to refer myself (recursion - nice!) to a post I put on a bedbug forum : (put the link here...)
Last night, after getting the new bed and boxspring, I found a bedbug again - under my pillow. So I called Burns Pest Elimination, and they said they can send a dog out, that it costs $150, and $20 per room. So basically, $170 to just do my bedroom. After spending over $750 on a new bed and bedding, all I can say is yowch! I think I am going to stick out for another week or 2 and see if I come across any more of the critters. If I do, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and have them come out, because I can't stand knowing they are around - a SERIOUS heebie jeebie thing!
So I am praying that I don't find any more. I am thinking that tonight I am going to take the new pillows I bought - the 2 bed ones from JC Penney, throw pillow from WalMart, and seat pad for meditation from Ross - to the local laundromat and dry the hell out of them to kill any bugs or eggs that may have come from them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they may have "ridden in" on one of those pillows. Lord I hope so - I really don't want to have to cough up a ton of cash to get rid of those things. I wonder if this is one of the "plagues" that the Bible warned about - first locusts, and frogs - now bedbugs. Can I request that we get the locusts back please? At least you can keep them out of the house and still get a good night's sleep! Lol : )
Actually, instead of retyping all this, I am going to refer myself (recursion - nice!) to a post I put on a bedbug forum : (put the link here...)
Last night, after getting the new bed and boxspring, I found a bedbug again - under my pillow. So I called Burns Pest Elimination, and they said they can send a dog out, that it costs $150, and $20 per room. So basically, $170 to just do my bedroom. After spending over $750 on a new bed and bedding, all I can say is yowch! I think I am going to stick out for another week or 2 and see if I come across any more of the critters. If I do, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and have them come out, because I can't stand knowing they are around - a SERIOUS heebie jeebie thing!
So I am praying that I don't find any more. I am thinking that tonight I am going to take the new pillows I bought - the 2 bed ones from JC Penney, throw pillow from WalMart, and seat pad for meditation from Ross - to the local laundromat and dry the hell out of them to kill any bugs or eggs that may have come from them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they may have "ridden in" on one of those pillows. Lord I hope so - I really don't want to have to cough up a ton of cash to get rid of those things. I wonder if this is one of the "plagues" that the Bible warned about - first locusts, and frogs - now bedbugs. Can I request that we get the locusts back please? At least you can keep them out of the house and still get a good night's sleep! Lol : )
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slow but steady
Things seem to be continuing to improve, both with my mental state and with my relationship with Galen, slowly and steadily. I think the counselling session may have really helped and am glad I finally got some going for him. I know my session with Diana helped a lot. I am seeing her again in about 2 and a half hours. I was thinking that maybe when I saw her Monday night, we would skip the appt I originally had scheduled for today. But she seemed to think, and I agreed, that it might be a good idea to go ahead and come in today too.
In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.
I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?
Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.
In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.
I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?
Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.
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