Things seem to be continuing to improve, both with my mental state and with my relationship with Galen, slowly and steadily. I think the counselling session may have really helped and am glad I finally got some going for him. I know my session with Diana helped a lot. I am seeing her again in about 2 and a half hours. I was thinking that maybe when I saw her Monday night, we would skip the appt I originally had scheduled for today. But she seemed to think, and I agreed, that it might be a good idea to go ahead and come in today too.
In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.
I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?
Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.
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