There are some things in life that you just know are forebingers of other things. You know that when you see a politician start talking, you are going to hear some bullshit. You know that when the sky gets black, and you see a flash of lightning, you are going to hear some thunder soon. And for me - for me, I know that when I start feeling REALLY happy, when I am just overjoyed with life and feel that things could not be any better - a major depression is just around the fucking corner. Time, and time, and time, and time, and time, and time again the process has repeated itself. Today was no exception.
This morning, I was in the best mood I have been in in months - just downright joyful. I got my federal refund, got all the paperwokr filled out for the amended return, for which I will get an additional $700, it's Friday, going to a movie with Todd tonight - what's not to be happy about? Shit if I know. And up until just after lunch, I was very happy. Went out with Jamie, Viv and Tex - hell, Tex even bought lunch for me. It was a nice time.
But sometime after lunch, it hit me - just like a fucking baseball bat, no kidding. Out of nowhere, it just came upon me like always. And I know what probably prompted it. It has been great fun emailing and texting Ty - but she is married. She has a husband, and a son. It's fun to reminisce, but at some point, it becomes almost self-injurious. And then there is the stupid fucking decision I made to join eHarmony again - why, WHY do I fucking do that? It's just like rapid-fire rejection that I actually pay for. I think titty bars are bad, but at least I get to see some hooter and smell them. Fuck. This eHarmnony thing, it's just totally demoralizing for me.
And I have even cut way back on my standards and such. I am messaging almost everyone they send to me, and still - nothing. I got 2 initial "requests communication" things from 2 different women before I renewed my membership. So I went in thinking, "cool, there are already some ladies interested - this will be a sure thing!" But of course, they fucking DRAG shit out for days, like I am just some 5th string choice at the bottom of the heap. Yeah, that's a nice feeling. And I have to try not to message them right back, so I don't look desperate or anything - want them to think that I am busy too, that the whole "looking" thing is just some side thing that doesn't really mean shit to me. Must be fucking nice. What the hell are they doing on the sites anyway then? That's what I want to know.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Proceed with Caution
I am pretty brain dead as far as coding goes so I thought I would hit the blog for a bit and capture some of my thoughts about the Ty situation. We went to a movie this Saturday and had a nice time. We saw "Shutter Island" and it was very good. It was nice hanging out together - we had lunch together first and got a chance to talk a bit.
She has been emailing regularly, and I am starting to get the distinct impression that she would like to get back together. She has mentioned a number of times that in her view, her marriage is somewhat in a state of flux, seeing as how her husband is deployed, and she is not sure how things will be when he gets home. Now, to incredibly shallow here, I have to say that if she was still in the shape she was when I last saw her, I would be very tempted to pursue something more with her. But she has gained some weight, and is not particularly attractive to me physically anymore. Mentally, we still click totally, and the conversations, emails and texts have been great.
I have been thinking that it is actually a blessing that she isn't the same body-wise as she used to be. I really don't want to be a 'home-wrecker.' And her son Terran has Asperger's, and what she tells me about him reminds me A LOT of Meghan. I honestly don't know if things would work out for us if we were to get together because of that. Based on past experience with Tina and Meghan, I think it would be difficult, to say the least.
As I write all this, I am thinking how shallow and judgemental I sound. But I have to be honest with myself. On top of all this, she still smokes cigarettes, and that is an issue I feel neither shallow or judgemental about it - it is unhealthy, and undesirable - periond. The other stuff, yeah, I feel a little bad about - but then again, not really. Because it is giving me an easy out - an automatic detractor from pursuing anything further (not like I would really need one, considering that fact that she is married). But it would take a lot more detracting if she still looked smokin' hot like she used to. She is still pretty, and I still like the look in her eyes, as well as her great personality.
And so I hope we can be friends and that she can avoid going nutty with all this. I have the distinct impression that she is starting to fall head over heels, and is setting things up to leave her husband - maybe not right away necessarily, but laying the foundation for the future. I don't know what it is with these married women who fall for me - sheez! It would be great if I could find a single lady who felt this way, that I felt the same way about.
So I am following the mantra "Proceed with Caution". I can only hope that she is following a simlar one herself.
She has been emailing regularly, and I am starting to get the distinct impression that she would like to get back together. She has mentioned a number of times that in her view, her marriage is somewhat in a state of flux, seeing as how her husband is deployed, and she is not sure how things will be when he gets home. Now, to incredibly shallow here, I have to say that if she was still in the shape she was when I last saw her, I would be very tempted to pursue something more with her. But she has gained some weight, and is not particularly attractive to me physically anymore. Mentally, we still click totally, and the conversations, emails and texts have been great.
I have been thinking that it is actually a blessing that she isn't the same body-wise as she used to be. I really don't want to be a 'home-wrecker.' And her son Terran has Asperger's, and what she tells me about him reminds me A LOT of Meghan. I honestly don't know if things would work out for us if we were to get together because of that. Based on past experience with Tina and Meghan, I think it would be difficult, to say the least.
As I write all this, I am thinking how shallow and judgemental I sound. But I have to be honest with myself. On top of all this, she still smokes cigarettes, and that is an issue I feel neither shallow or judgemental about it - it is unhealthy, and undesirable - periond. The other stuff, yeah, I feel a little bad about - but then again, not really. Because it is giving me an easy out - an automatic detractor from pursuing anything further (not like I would really need one, considering that fact that she is married). But it would take a lot more detracting if she still looked smokin' hot like she used to. She is still pretty, and I still like the look in her eyes, as well as her great personality.
And so I hope we can be friends and that she can avoid going nutty with all this. I have the distinct impression that she is starting to fall head over heels, and is setting things up to leave her husband - maybe not right away necessarily, but laying the foundation for the future. I don't know what it is with these married women who fall for me - sheez! It would be great if I could find a single lady who felt this way, that I felt the same way about.
So I am following the mantra "Proceed with Caution". I can only hope that she is following a simlar one herself.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Catching Up
Ok, so I left off on my last post right at the really good part. So I met Ty out at a place by where she works now, as a realtor, off of 83rd Ave and Thunderbird. We sat and had some tacos together, and just like in the old days, she talked my ear off, and I loved every minute of it. It is amazing how much she is still the same old Ty - witty, blazingly intelligent, brutally honest, and fun to talk to. She has gained a little weight, which I was at first surprised by - considering the fact that when I was last around her, Doug used to refer to her as being like a little elf, or pixie - she was so slight. But she is definitely the same Ty, and we shared that same connection we always did. If she wasn't married, I would be ecstatic, but being that she is, I am a little scared, to be honest.
Anyway, towards the end of our time together (about an hour and a hakf), I got my opportunity to make my formal amends to her, and to apologize for the way I left her. It was a very emotional moment, and I had already come to tears a couple of times before we even met just thinking about it. She got pretty teared up too, and when I looked in her eyes, I saw that same hurt and love that I remember seeing over 18 years ago, like we had just broken up 2 weeks ago. I wanted so much to just take her in my arms, and hug the pain right out of her. But I held back that urge, and we shared the moment, sitting across from one another, not really crying, but with tears welling in her eyes.
I did give her a great big hug - 2 actually - before I left, and I was so happy to know that she did not hate me anymore. In fact, from what she said, she never really did. She was just mad and hurt at the time, but over the years she had never thought anything but good thoughts about me. Since that evening (Monday, Feb 15th, 2010, for posterity) we have been in touch frequently through email and texting. I am really enjoying the communication, as she always did have a way to see me for who I am, and I generally believe the nice things she says about me - which is completely opposite my reaction to when other women say those things.
Of course, we have written and talked about old times, about things we each remember from back then, and things that reminded us of one another over the years. I am a little scared, as I said, because I get the distinct impression that she never stopped loving me, and that if I wanted to whisk her off her feet, I could. And for whatever reason, she still seems to have that strange power she had over me before - whenever I look deep into her eyes, I am just compelled to hold and protect her; to love her and keep her safe; to be her "knight in shining armor." And it is not some petty romaniticized feeling I am describing here. It may have been 18 years ago. But I have been around long enough and seen enough women to know that I don't feel that for just anyone.
So what does it all mean? It means that I want to be there for her as the best friend I can be, and with extreme caution and awareness. Lord knows, I would not want her to do anything that might cause her to leave her current husband, or anything remotely similar. I want to be her friend, and that's all. If she was single, I might consider dating her. But as it stands, it is a no go. Her husband is over in Afghanistan serving in the army, so I am sure she suffers some from being lonely. But I do not want to do anything to arouse suspicion in him, nor do I want to give her the impression that I want more than friendship.
And it will be a good learning experience for me. I would do well to learn how to be a friend - just a friend - to a married lady that I find attractive. That hasn't worked out too good - or it worked out way too good - in the past! I am taking this one day at a time, with gratitude and compassion. I am glad to have a dear friend back, and glad she is ok. I just want to do my part to make sure it stays that way...
Anyway, towards the end of our time together (about an hour and a hakf), I got my opportunity to make my formal amends to her, and to apologize for the way I left her. It was a very emotional moment, and I had already come to tears a couple of times before we even met just thinking about it. She got pretty teared up too, and when I looked in her eyes, I saw that same hurt and love that I remember seeing over 18 years ago, like we had just broken up 2 weeks ago. I wanted so much to just take her in my arms, and hug the pain right out of her. But I held back that urge, and we shared the moment, sitting across from one another, not really crying, but with tears welling in her eyes.
I did give her a great big hug - 2 actually - before I left, and I was so happy to know that she did not hate me anymore. In fact, from what she said, she never really did. She was just mad and hurt at the time, but over the years she had never thought anything but good thoughts about me. Since that evening (Monday, Feb 15th, 2010, for posterity) we have been in touch frequently through email and texting. I am really enjoying the communication, as she always did have a way to see me for who I am, and I generally believe the nice things she says about me - which is completely opposite my reaction to when other women say those things.
Of course, we have written and talked about old times, about things we each remember from back then, and things that reminded us of one another over the years. I am a little scared, as I said, because I get the distinct impression that she never stopped loving me, and that if I wanted to whisk her off her feet, I could. And for whatever reason, she still seems to have that strange power she had over me before - whenever I look deep into her eyes, I am just compelled to hold and protect her; to love her and keep her safe; to be her "knight in shining armor." And it is not some petty romaniticized feeling I am describing here. It may have been 18 years ago. But I have been around long enough and seen enough women to know that I don't feel that for just anyone.
So what does it all mean? It means that I want to be there for her as the best friend I can be, and with extreme caution and awareness. Lord knows, I would not want her to do anything that might cause her to leave her current husband, or anything remotely similar. I want to be her friend, and that's all. If she was single, I might consider dating her. But as it stands, it is a no go. Her husband is over in Afghanistan serving in the army, so I am sure she suffers some from being lonely. But I do not want to do anything to arouse suspicion in him, nor do I want to give her the impression that I want more than friendship.
And it will be a good learning experience for me. I would do well to learn how to be a friend - just a friend - to a married lady that I find attractive. That hasn't worked out too good - or it worked out way too good - in the past! I am taking this one day at a time, with gratitude and compassion. I am glad to have a dear friend back, and glad she is ok. I just want to do my part to make sure it stays that way...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
18 Years in the Making - what a Gift
I am sitting here listening to "Unknown Pleasures" by Joy Division - just got it last night and this is like the third time I have listened to it - and thinking of how much it reminds me of Ty, with her love for alernative music and all. But I am getting ahead of myself here. One could easily ask, "Ty? What makes you bring up Ty?" And that is a very interesting story indeed.
First, the history. When I was 21, I was living with a guy named Brian Harris in a little apartment off of 67th and Northern, dubbed "the Vortex" by my friend Doug. At the time, I was selling pot, partying, and living the free, party lifestyle. I met this girl named Ty through someone (?) as she happened to be a major potsmoker. She was very petite, very cute, very intelligent, and basically wanted by all of us. After some hanging out and various happenings, we ended up dating. We dated for about 5 or 6 months - and then she got pregnant. I of course got scared shitless, (and though I told myself at the time that I wasn't doing it because of the pregnancy thing, I probably was)and moved with my mom to South Dakota. Ty was obviously devastated, and I felt incredibly bad about it. And did so for the next 18 years.
Flash forward to 6 (almost 7 now) years ago : I get sober, and as part of that, do a 4th step and a sexual inventory, and make an 8th step list. And of course, Ty was on there. I felt horrible about what I had done, and definitely owed her an amends. I looked for her as best I knew how, and she was nowhere to be found. I tried driving by her old house, only to find that she didn't live there (like she would have still been, right? but I had to try). I asked the people living there if they knew the previous owners, they had no idea. I tried People Finders.com, and came up with an address. So I sent a letter, hoping she would get it. But it got returned - "not at this address", and I wasn't sure if maybe she was and still hated me, or she really didn't live there. After that, I basically gave up on trying to find her.
So then this last weekend, I took Luke out to visit Doug with me - the first time we had all 3 been together, and the first time Luke had seen Doug, in like 10 years. Of course we talked about all the old times - the people we hung out, the crazy stuff we did, the places we lived - and Ty's name came up. Luke mentions something about her, and say that I never knew what happened to her. He says something like, "oh, I think she is a realtor in Peoria - I saw her on the Internet the other day." I was flabbergasted, and was like "WHAT?!?! How in the heck did you find her?" He goes on to tell me that he was Googling some of the people he used to hang out with, and she popped up. Well, I was floored, and determined that when I got home, I too would Google her. (talk about ironic - I, mr "computer", had looked and looked for her, and here Luke just Googles her - D'OH!)
And so I did just that - typed in Tylee Leighton, pressed search, and there she was. WHOA! I was amazed - stunned. Here before me sits a photo and contact information for an ex g/f that I have been trying to find for years so I could make amends to her. It was indeed a realty site that she came up on. So I did what seemed like the next logical thing to do in this day and age - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. All these thoughts ran through me head, like maybe she was single, and we could have one of those Lifetime Movie romances, where we fall back in love again 20 years later. It was so surprising too, because over the years, I had always pictured her sinking deeper into her addiction, as I did, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared to be quite the opposite.
Wow - there is more to this than I thought. But I really need to do at least a LITTLE actual work, so I will continue this later!
First, the history. When I was 21, I was living with a guy named Brian Harris in a little apartment off of 67th and Northern, dubbed "the Vortex" by my friend Doug. At the time, I was selling pot, partying, and living the free, party lifestyle. I met this girl named Ty through someone (?) as she happened to be a major potsmoker. She was very petite, very cute, very intelligent, and basically wanted by all of us. After some hanging out and various happenings, we ended up dating. We dated for about 5 or 6 months - and then she got pregnant. I of course got scared shitless, (and though I told myself at the time that I wasn't doing it because of the pregnancy thing, I probably was)and moved with my mom to South Dakota. Ty was obviously devastated, and I felt incredibly bad about it. And did so for the next 18 years.
Flash forward to 6 (almost 7 now) years ago : I get sober, and as part of that, do a 4th step and a sexual inventory, and make an 8th step list. And of course, Ty was on there. I felt horrible about what I had done, and definitely owed her an amends. I looked for her as best I knew how, and she was nowhere to be found. I tried driving by her old house, only to find that she didn't live there (like she would have still been, right? but I had to try). I asked the people living there if they knew the previous owners, they had no idea. I tried People Finders.com, and came up with an address. So I sent a letter, hoping she would get it. But it got returned - "not at this address", and I wasn't sure if maybe she was and still hated me, or she really didn't live there. After that, I basically gave up on trying to find her.
So then this last weekend, I took Luke out to visit Doug with me - the first time we had all 3 been together, and the first time Luke had seen Doug, in like 10 years. Of course we talked about all the old times - the people we hung out, the crazy stuff we did, the places we lived - and Ty's name came up. Luke mentions something about her, and say that I never knew what happened to her. He says something like, "oh, I think she is a realtor in Peoria - I saw her on the Internet the other day." I was flabbergasted, and was like "WHAT?!?! How in the heck did you find her?" He goes on to tell me that he was Googling some of the people he used to hang out with, and she popped up. Well, I was floored, and determined that when I got home, I too would Google her. (talk about ironic - I, mr "computer", had looked and looked for her, and here Luke just Googles her - D'OH!)
And so I did just that - typed in Tylee Leighton, pressed search, and there she was. WHOA! I was amazed - stunned. Here before me sits a photo and contact information for an ex g/f that I have been trying to find for years so I could make amends to her. It was indeed a realty site that she came up on. So I did what seemed like the next logical thing to do in this day and age - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. All these thoughts ran through me head, like maybe she was single, and we could have one of those Lifetime Movie romances, where we fall back in love again 20 years later. It was so surprising too, because over the years, I had always pictured her sinking deeper into her addiction, as I did, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared to be quite the opposite.
Wow - there is more to this than I thought. But I really need to do at least a LITTLE actual work, so I will continue this later!
Monday, February 8, 2010
My old friend returns...
Well, I'm back on my blog, and that usually means only one thing - I am bummin' again. Not really sure what brought it on this time. It started Friday night, and continued on through the weekend. By yesterday (Sunday) I was really down again. And over the same old stuff - tired of being alone.
For awhile, it was nice to have pretty much every weekend completely to myself, what with Galen living with Sam now, and Tessi going over there almost every weekend. But now that this has been going on for about 3 months, I think the newness and "fun" of having all that time to myself is starting to wear off, and I am getting somewhat lonely as a result.
I think my feelings were exacerbated by finding out Saturday that my friend Mac had proposed to his girlfriend Paula, and she accepted. I am very happy for them - Mac is a way cool dude. I have to admit that I am envious though. I mean, Valentines' Day is coming up, and I am remided on a daily basis that I don't have a Valentine, or sweetheart. It will be just me this year - me and the fish.
The real bummer is that this new med, Lamotrigine, seemed to be really helping with the cyclical depression I have experienced over the years. But it seems like there is just no stopping it : no matter how much medicine I take, how much counseling I go to, how many meetings I go to, how much self work I do, it just keeps coming back. I only hope this time that it doesn't get as bad as the last time, when I did some self-mutilation. Tessi still gets upset about that, so I need to make sure I don't go that far down again.
Something keeps telling me I am just a hopeless case though. I got a strong feeling this weekend that I am going to end up like my mom, but even worse off. At least she has someone who is interested in her (Bob McDermott) so if she didn't want to be alone, she wouldn't have to be. With me, it's different because I don't have that luxury, and probably never will. Uh oh - there's one of those words to look out for in rational self analysis - "never". It says to look out for things that are personal pervasive, and permanent.
So what do I do? I have not a fucking clue anymore. I have an appt with Diana next week. I moved the schedule to a month out because I was doing so well, and now here I am all fucked up again. Jesus - it seems like I am messed up for life. Every time I think I can cut back on counselling, I go down the tubes. I guess I really am a broken person.
For awhile, it was nice to have pretty much every weekend completely to myself, what with Galen living with Sam now, and Tessi going over there almost every weekend. But now that this has been going on for about 3 months, I think the newness and "fun" of having all that time to myself is starting to wear off, and I am getting somewhat lonely as a result.
I think my feelings were exacerbated by finding out Saturday that my friend Mac had proposed to his girlfriend Paula, and she accepted. I am very happy for them - Mac is a way cool dude. I have to admit that I am envious though. I mean, Valentines' Day is coming up, and I am remided on a daily basis that I don't have a Valentine, or sweetheart. It will be just me this year - me and the fish.
The real bummer is that this new med, Lamotrigine, seemed to be really helping with the cyclical depression I have experienced over the years. But it seems like there is just no stopping it : no matter how much medicine I take, how much counseling I go to, how many meetings I go to, how much self work I do, it just keeps coming back. I only hope this time that it doesn't get as bad as the last time, when I did some self-mutilation. Tessi still gets upset about that, so I need to make sure I don't go that far down again.
Something keeps telling me I am just a hopeless case though. I got a strong feeling this weekend that I am going to end up like my mom, but even worse off. At least she has someone who is interested in her (Bob McDermott) so if she didn't want to be alone, she wouldn't have to be. With me, it's different because I don't have that luxury, and probably never will. Uh oh - there's one of those words to look out for in rational self analysis - "never". It says to look out for things that are personal pervasive, and permanent.
So what do I do? I have not a fucking clue anymore. I have an appt with Diana next week. I moved the schedule to a month out because I was doing so well, and now here I am all fucked up again. Jesus - it seems like I am messed up for life. Every time I think I can cut back on counselling, I go down the tubes. I guess I really am a broken person.
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