November Updates

Ok – so I have just GOT to take a break (I already have been, but apparently it wasn’t the right kind! Lol) from this monotonous coding I am doing. Somehow, we – I – got roped into doing a reporting application for this project called “BEAT,” and it has been extremely tedious, to say the least. I thought a couple of times that I would get out of it, as it has been the motto of the TES Dev team that “we don’t do reports” ever since I got here. But alas, all attempts to get someone else on another team to do them have failed, and I am stuck with them. Yay. I so love report writing/building. NOT! At least I am learning some things though, so that is good.


I am writing this in Word with the intentions of emailing it to myself so I can then post in on my blog – my ‘journal’ blog – which I have not posted to in some time. I have to go through all this rigmarole because they have blocked all Blogspot sites now at work – dang it all anyway! And, when I have been posting, I have been doing so to my latest blog, “108 Bows”, keeping track of the daily bows and my thoughts on them. That has been a great experience, and I am really glad I ran across them.

I thought that I probably ought to catch up a bit though on life stuff, as I haven’t done so for some time. Nothing has really changed. All done! Ha ha! In actuality, there has not been a lot of outward change, except of course for one big thing : I am dipping my toes back into the dating waters again. I had resolved to basically give up, but once again Diana convinced me (not so much convinced as successfully encouraged) to get back out there again. And so, I did just that – this time trying out yet another completely different site, OkCupid. It is one that Mike had recommended to me awhile back, but I actually ran across it doing a Google search for free dating sites. I put up a profile, and have been on there for like a month now…?

At first, it was EXTREMELY slow going. I tried some different things – changed my profile around, added some different pics, etc – and finally started getting some responses. This last Friday, I had my first meeting with someone – a woman named Pam. I had actually set up a meeting with another woman named Bunny on Friday night, but because it seemed like I would have much more in common with Pam, and the email convo seemed much livelier, I cancelled with Bunny and met Pam instead. She was sweet, but as often has happened, she was a little thicker than I prefer, particularly in the stomach area. I really do try to give everyone a shot and to be as nonjudgmental as possible. But I just am not attracted to women with big bellies. And now that I have lost so much weight, and am “Lean and mean,” I don’t consider myself hypocritical in saying that. As far as Bunny goes, she seemed a little ‘off’ to me, like very non-humorous, and maybe a bit dreary, so I don’t think I will be meeting her.

A very interesting prospect has arisen though – one I am very hopeful about. They have this ‘match rating ‘ thing on OkC where they send you a message with the images of 9 women, saying that one of them gave you(me) a good rating, and inviting me to rate all of the women whose images are attached. Then, if I rate one of the women who gave me a high rating (without knowing which woman has done that), they send an email to that woman letting her know that I gave her a high rating too. It actually is a pretty cool system, and I like the “mystery” part of it. It’s like a gameshow – not knowing which woman out of all of them may have rated me highly… kinda’ fun!

So anyway, I got one of those things, and went through rating the ladies. When I was finished, I checked my messages, and got a notification that a woman with the username ((( tn_3ogirl…? ))) rated me 4 or 5 stars too. When I looked back over her profile, she sounded sweet, and looked VERY cute to boot. Also, it looked like she was in good shape – BONUS! So I sent her a message, and we have been emailing the past 2 or 3 days. The pattern so far has been that I send her an email, she responds in the evening, and then I send her another one, etc, basically, just sending each other one a day. And this time, I am taking my time, and letting her control that pace – not sending like 10 a day, or asking if we can meet yet, or exchanging phone numbers – just taking it easy. I think the reason I can, and am doing that this time is that she seems like such a high quality prospect. For starters, she mentions right in her profile that she was raised in the South, with proper manners, and still says “please” and “thank you”; 2 big bonuses there – the politeness, and the southern accent (sexy!). On top of that, she displays good grammar, spelling and content in her emails (says Professor of English, Dr Wood! Lol) She always answers all of my questions, adds comments that relate to it regarding her, and then asks me questions in return. And to top it all off, she is very gracious, mentions that she looks forward to hearing back from me, and has made some sweet little compliments/comments that let me know she is interested (likes my smile, sais something to the effect that “all the good guys come from that part of town” in reference to where I live). So we’ll see what happens.

The one thing I am trying to really focus on this time is NOT SCREWING IT UP! Ha ha. That might sound like a no-brainer, but for me, has actually been very challenging, esp. when dealing with someone I have a deep interest in. I tended to go too far too quick, too seriously, and forget to take my time. I tended to forget that this part of getting to know each other can be fun, and doesn’t need to be rushed through to get to the part where we are dating. And I often forgot that my communication style and frequency (frequency primarily) is different than most, and I can expect others to meet up to it only at my peril. I used past-tense for all of those terms because that is what I used to do, tendencies I USED to have – no more. I am changing. I am learning from my past experiences. I am growing in my relationship skills and I am capable of making good decisions. I think I am ready to be a good relationship partner for someone, and a good “dater”.

I am also keeping in mind that she – Debbie is her name – is not necessarily “the one”. She could drop all communication today. I could end up never meeting her F2F. We could meet, and find out that there is no chemistry. We could meet, go out on a few dates, and then find that out, like what happened with Patricia. All of these things are possible, and statistically speaking much more likely than the possibility that she is “the one.” That is not to say that she couldn’t be – it is just to say that I will not be doing myself, her, or anyone else any favors by thinking and acting as if she is…

Wow, I just became fully conscious of what I am writing, and thought to myself “Right on Kevin! You/I am learning! Way to go!” It’s cool to have thoughts and realizations like that – it really is. I have been treating myself better too, literally. I went out this weekend and bought myself a really cool new faux leather jacket and some cool black casual shoes so I can look nice on dates. And you know what? I deserve it – I really do. I have worked hard – as a dad, as an employee, as a person in recovery, and as a human being trying to better himself. And for that, and everything in my life today, I am truly thankful : )

Facebook sucks - Galen's antics

Once again, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account - probably for much longer this time, if I ever reactivate it at all. Yesterday, I got call from Galen's English teacher who told me that during a discussion on religion in his clasee, Galen popped off with "fuck God", prompting the teacher to have him removed from the class and writing a referral for him. I found this utterly offensive, and posted something about it on FB last night - with the expectations (WARNING - I KNOW about those things, yet I had them anyway) that someone, a friend perhaps, would post something offering some kind of support or something. Instead, Luke, and then Heather, posted some comments about Galen's constitutional rights, and how he shouldn't have been removed by security - that he should have just been given detention or something.

Well, I didn't like either of their comments - not one fucking bit. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was some defense of poor Galen's rights! What the fuck? I was so upset about it after reading them in my Netzero emails that I sent an email to Heather and Luke telling them what I thought - how I doubted that if either of their kids did something like that that they would be worried about the kids' rights. I haven't heard back from Luke yet, but Heather did call around noon. I missed the call, wouldn't have picked up anyway. She left a message saying that she was sorry, that she was upset, and that she would like to talk.

As for Luke, I am pissed at him. Because not only did he leave that comment, he also left another one that angered me. I left a post after that first one pondering why it was that whenever I wanted an email from someone, I didn't get one, and then when I didn't want one, I would get one. His response to that was "Big Baby." Which he probably thought was pretty funny. But given my current emotional state and the shit I have been going through - yeahhhhh... not so funny.

So I deactivated that fucking Facebook account, probably for good this time. I really don't use it hardly at all anyway. Most everyone on there just plays those stupid farm and mafia wars and other games, and it seems like the only real people that I communicate with on there, I email and/or talk to anyway. So what's the point? It's not like I have this big family on there to share pics with. And now, the people I consider friends are just pissing me off with comments made without knowing where I am in my head. I am sure that in person, and most likely in emails too, that is not as likely to happen.

And so I say "good fucking riddance" to Facebook again. Piss off! For good.

Don't email me - I won't email you

I have noticed lately that it seems with all the women I email regularly, or have in the past - e.g. Heather, Joanie, Barbara, Tina - really only email in response to something I write; they rarely ever send/sent an email just for the purpose of saying "hi" or to ask me what's up with me or tell me what's going on with them. The one person I can honestly say this does not apply to is Ty. She has always (or almost always) been good about either emailing me out of nowhere, or at least replying promptly. That is something else I have issues with too - emailing someone, and not getting a response for what seems like days. Of course, because of my unrealistic expectations, it only seems like days, and in reality is probably only hours.

I have had a bit of an 'awakening' today though - a moment of clarity, if you will : if I simply don't send people emails, either in my personal life or here at work (as there are people here too who take issue with the fact that I 'expect' prompt responses! Lol), then I don't have to be concerned with their response, because there can be none. If I do get an email from one of them, it is unsolicited, and can be viewed as a bit of a surprise, like "oh wow! How nice of (insert name here) to send me an email!""

Now for this to work of course, I have to NOT email any of those people. And for me, because I enjoy communicating, and on a more selfish level probably, want to get a response. it is hard for me not to email. Because with most of those women, if I don't/didn't send one of them something, it could be a very long time (for me), before I heard from them - if ever at all. And therein lies my challenge : to be ok with not getting any emails from any women - be they friends, potential dating partners, or even pen pals. As I said before, I am not including Ty in all this, as we seem to have some total connection, understanding and completely similar ideas about what communication between friends "should" look like.

It's funny - I was thinking last night how much I miss texting in a flirting way with someone too. I guess that is another aspect of this too. It's nice to have someone to flirt with. I think that is one of the things I miss the most about having an intimate partner - the flirting, sexting, and so on. Oh well. I should probably just let that whole thought process go for now.

It doesn't do any good to dwell on it really, because I am not doing anything to actually find someone, and I have no plans on doing so anytime soon. I have actually popped into PlentyOfFish and a few other sites lately, and after about 20 seconds, I think "bleh", and navigate away. I am still burnt out on the whole process. And it seems that when I look at the pics, I just see all the same women - similar wants, similar stories, similar descriptions, etc... To which, I say "blah blah blahhh....."

I think the key is to just not go from where I am now "down the rabbit hole" (as Diana says! Ha ha) that leads to the whole spiral of negative self talk and hopelessness that I always seem to find myself engaging in after a time. But this time, I am hoping to avoid that pitfall, and remain in the state of acceptance I am in at this very moment : grateful to be alive and sober; aware of the many benefits of being single; and taking comfort in the fact that just because I am single now doesn't mean I will always be. It is what it is for now - nothing more, nothing less. And things are good now. They really are. I just need to remember and hold on to that : )

Cynicism - the (new) American pasttime

I was going to post this on my 'humorous' site, "The Numbsung Hero," but after thinking about it, realized it' not really that funny. In fact, it is more sad than anything else. I have noticed lately that any time I send an email out about some new proposal or some new idea that is being tossed around, almost everyone comes back with some form of negative response, basically something like, "oh, that will never happen." The latest example was an email I sent out about a gov't study being funded to determine the feasibility of developing a bullet train between Las Vegas and Phoenix. I thought this was kind of exciting, and something worth checking out.

But instead of excitement, most of the replies I got were things like I wrote above - it will never happen, not in our lifetime, blah blah blah. At first, I wanted to get angry at "those" people, and stand in righteous judgment saying "THEY are so cynical and negative - how dare they!" But then I started thinking about my views on politics... on the nature of manangement at my company, and in America in general... about the division of wealth between the poorest and the richest. And suddenly, I realized that what really irks me about all these people is that they reflect a part of me that I don't like - that part that is so cynical and jaded that it sees no hope of change - ever. Looking at this, I wonder I many people think that I am one of those negative, cynical people they would rather not talk or listen to about certain things.

I think this is one of the clearest examples I have ever experienced in my own life of that principle that basically says "you spot it, you got it;" that those things we see in others that really irrirate us are those things in ourselves that we don't like. Knowing that, I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be cynical anymore - or at least not outwardly. I don't want to foster hopelessness, even if that is what I am thinking about something inside. I want to be someone who sees the positive, and who believes that there is always hope, and who speaks and acts in a manner that demonstrates that. That's who I want to be.

So from today forward, I pledge to make a conscious effort to be more positive about every subject - even those that I have viewed so negatively for so long, like politics. And I can practice the old practice of not saying anything unless I have something nice to say. Maybe I can't change the entire world; maybe I can't stop hunger, war, or hatred; maybe I can't change the way politics are practiced. But what I can do is change the way I present myself to the world and the energy I exude. Yep, that I can do. And I am going to, starting right now : )