Not dealing

Last night I met Sam and picked Tessi up after she spent the last 5 days with her mom. I guess I had some expectation that she would be happy to see me, especially after she had called me Friday morning crying, saying that she had a dream that I had a stroke, and it scared her. She even sent me a really touching text about loving me Saturday night. So in my mind, I figured this would mean she would be happy to see me Sunday night. And maybe that's why I took it so hard when she didn't seem happy to see me at all, and was actually quite sad. I asked her if she had a good time at her mom's, to which she replied "yeah." I asked her if she was ok, to which she replied "yeah." Basically, the old silent treatment.

And I did not handle it well at all. I know that, as an adult, and as her parent, I need to be loving, understanding, and supportive and rise above the petty emotionalism and childishness of taking it personal. But I am having a hard time doing that. I told her that it seems like she is not happy to see me at all, and she said that the transfer part is hard for her. I asked her is she was that way towards her mom when she went to stay with her, and she said she was (which of course, I didn't believe). I then went on to say that maybe she wants to live with her mom, and that she should ask her mom if she can live with her for awhile. Of course, I'm sure none of this is the right stuff to say, and I am disappointed in myself for not being a stronger, more balanced and loving person/parent. Hence, I made a call to Diana this morning and will be going in to see her tomorrow afternoon instead of Thursday.

I sometimes feel like no matter what happens, there is no winning in this situation. Of course the kids (or at least Tessi) are going to gush over their mom, whom they haven't hardly seen over the last 6 years. Of course it is going to be hard on Tessi to go there and spend time with her mom and Kenny, who have very different views on several things, and then come back to me - especially now that Galen is staying over there. And of course I need to find a way to deal with all of this in a way that does not cause more pain or damage to Tessi, or myself.

It has always been a double-edged sword, the proposition of having the kids spend time with Sam. On the one hand, it is great because the kids get to see her, and build a relationship with her, something that is good for them. And I get to spend some time without the kids, relaxing and doing some fun things for myself. But then there is the other side of it, some of the effects of which I have mentioned above. And then there is the fear that she won't stay in their lives, causing them even more pain and sadness when she bails again. Ugh. I really just don't know how to deal with all of this.

My fear is that the kids really would rather live with her, and that all I have done over the past 6 years for them is for naught. It probably brings up some of the old abandonment issues I have struggled with, and also some anger that she could totally blow them off for 6 years (not even a birthday card for either of them in all that time) while I did all the heavy lifting, and now she waltzes in and assumes the role of "super mom," as if she never skipped a beat. And the kids seem to give her unconditional forgiveness, as if she had been there all the time. Now I am the "bad" parent, I am the "meanie." Tessi has used that phrase a lot lately - that if I did so-and-so, I would be 'mean.'

I know this is all part of it - part of being a divorced parent, part of having kids, part of life. I only hope that I can learn to process this all better, for my sake, and for the kids....

What goes up....

Just as with so many things in life, what seemed to be going perfectly well - maybe too well to believe even - took a turn into the shitpile today, and I am none too happy about it. I am talking about work, and it seems like over the past week, I have gone from loving my job and the people I work with to just liking the job, and being downright pissed with a number of the people I work with. I'll start with the most immediate and pressing issue first - Al chewing my ass today for something stupid.

Last week, before Erik R left on PTO, he gave me a quick run through of a POS app that is his responsibility - LIEN - and told me how to fix the issues that might come up. So yesterday, I started getting emails about an issue with it. I did what he told me to do, and even got the DBA (Dwight) involved, but nothing seemed to work. I found out from Adam that he had worked with Erik on it, and he offered to help out too. All seemingly harmless, right? Right.

So today, a customer emails Adam asking him what is going on, and copied Al on it. Al sent Adam a reply asking why he was working on it when I should be since I was the backup. I sent an email explaining how Adam was helping me out. Al asked what was going on, and I sent him an email stating that maybe there was something Erik did that we were not aware of, and that he needs to provide better documentation before he goes on PTO next time. After that, I get an email from Al stating "Let's Talk!"

I go into his office, and he looks pissed, tells me to close the door. He started angrily asking me "what this is?" about my email. I looked and him and said, "Hunh?" He went on to explain that he didn't like the way I "threw Erik under the bus," and talking about how we were all a team, and asking if I was part of the team. He asked me what I would think if I got an email about me like the one I sent about Erik, and I said "I think I would need to create some documentation." He seemed WAY more pissed off than I would ever imagined anyone would be about it, and I was pretty confused. I kept telling him that I didn't mean to 'throw Erik under the bus,' that I was a team player and that I liked Erik. But he didn't want to hear it. He then went into the whole "I'm the boss" gig, stating how I needn't worry about what Jennifer, or the customers, or anyone else thinks - that he is the one who writes my reviews and can hire/fire me - not any of them.

So, I did the only thing I knew to do which was to keep apologizing, stating that I didn't mean it the way he was interpreting it, and promising not to do it (whatever the fuck "it" was) again. He then went on to say that the real issue is that some people on our team are 'sensitive,' and always looking for the negative, and that Erik was such a person, and that I needed to be more sensitive to other people's sensitivity (really? on this team?). I told him that I thought he wanted me to be more thick skinned, and he reiterated that some people - like Erik (in his opinion) aren't. I found this all very hard to believe, but relented, apologized, and promised to be more "sensitive" in the future. To be honest, I still don't understand what he was so pissed about. It was like he was Erik's big brother, and I had been caught making fun of Erik.

I swear, it is so hard to understand the dynamics of this team sometimes. In one moment, it seems that he wants me to be cocky and thick-skinned, willing to make the decisions that count - and in the next, to be hyper-sensitive to the feelings of the other team members. Which would not all be so weird, if he weren't the person he is, and Erik wasn't the person he is - I just don't see Erik as the sensitive, emotional type who needs protection against hurt feelings by Al. And even if he is, the email I sent was nothing derogatory about Erik, so I don't know what the fuck was up with that whole situation. I know one thing though - I am not a happy fucking camper now, that's for sure.

And I am frustrated with Jamie, as it seems he ignores about 60% of everything that I send him in IM's, which I am getting sick of. Then, at the happy hour Friday night, everybody went about their hobnobbing with other people, and I ended up feeling very abandoned and out of place. So I am not real happy with all of them - DV, Mac, and Jamie - either. They spent all week saying how they would 'take me under their wing...' - yeah, right. But this part is pretty whiny of me, because I knew going in that I was taking a risk going to a bar and that I probably wouldn't be comfortable. Kudos to me for at least giving it a shot.

Then, in the meeting today, I tried to make a comment about this new thing they are implementing (cute editor) and was summarily dismissed. It seems like anytime I have ever made a comment in a meeting, it pretty much gets ignored. So I am going to take a page out of John Ybarra's playbook (he's been here like 30 years) and just sit quietly in meetings with my mouth shut and a smile on my face. Everyone in my family tells me how 'smart' I am, but it only seems to get me in trouble. And to be honest, I don't even feel that smart anymore. Whatever passion and ambition I had is gone, and I am just trying to be the best, most obedient slave I can. Got bills to pay and mouths to feed.

What does all this mean? Not a fucking thing, except THANK GOD IT'S A 3 DAY WEEK! I need the time away, getting sick of the place that I love so much. Kinda' like the best friend you spend every day with in the summer time - by about the 5th week, you are arguing like crazy and want to kill each other. But it's never anything a couple days apart can't solve. At least that's what I am telling myself.

The latest

Wow - from the period of time between postings now, one might suppose that I either have a life now, have been extremely depressed, or abducted by aliens. Fortunately, the second one is not true, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what kind of aliens) the third one is not true either. Which is not to say that I have an actual life now. But I guess I am getting closer to that, as I have started doing some different things lately.

First of all, to catch up on the Galen saga, we came over this weekend to stay the night, and we got a good chance to talk about several things. Based on our convos, I decided that it was ok if he stays at Sam and Kenny's for awhile and ok if Tessi still wants to spend the night there sometimes. I still think there are some shady dealings going on over there, but he feels safe, and from what he said, I can't be sure that they are actually dealing meth, which was my biggest concern. So he is going to stay over there til at least the end of the semester. I am glad actually because I have really relaxed for the first time in years.

Ok - now on to other stuff. Just like a gift from above, Banner opened an employee welness center across the street and the dues are only $50 a year. I joined right away and have been working out 3 days a week for the last week or 2 (including this week) It feels good to be working out again, and this time I am focusing more on cardio so I can maybe lose some weight. I am still mixing strength training in too, but the cardio is the main focus. Whether or not I end up losing any weight, I feel better about myself knowing I am at least trying to do something to get in shape.

I have also found some good new meetings to go to - a great Al Anon on Thursday's, and an awesome AA Big Book on Fridays. In additon, I am continuing my intensive work with Diana and started a new med last week - Lamactil. It is supposed to take the "bottom" out of my depression so I don't get as down as I did this last time. And Loerd knows I don't ever want to get that bad again. I am still not sure why I didn't do something really horrible. I think it was simply the thought of the kids and what it would do to them. I honestly think that if I didn't have them, I would not be here today after that last spell. It was everything I could do to not take myself out. I've never felt it that strong before - like an actual compulsion, physical and mental. Scary stuff. Hopefully this new med will help.

I don't like the thought of being on yet another medication. But given the way I felt during that last episode, I don't know that I have any other options. If that's what it takes to make it through without offing myself, then so be it.

Other than that, things have been going fairly well. Work is staying steady, and I achieved a major accomplishment by getting the web part I have been working on to pull data from a Sharepoint list instead of SQL Server. Al was pretty stoked about it, and that is always a good thing.

I am going to go to happy hour with the boys on Friday night, so we'll see how that goes. It is always interesting going to events where pretty much everyone is drinking. I think it will be fun though. I am hoping there is some girl/woman there who imbibes a little too much, and feels "needy" - if ya' get my drift!

News from the (other) homefront

Tessi came home yesterday after spending a week over at her mom and Kenny's, and I was finally able to get some information about what's going on over there. When we met at Fry's, I noticed Tessi was wearing some new shoes, and I asked her where she got them. She said that her mom had bought them for her, and I asked Tess how her mom could afford that when she doesn't work. She said "mom is going to college." I said "yes, I know, but you have to PAY to go to college, you don't get paid to go." She then mentioned that she thought Kenny worked, and I said something like I thought that was hard to believe. I then asked if people were coming in and out all the time, and she said they were. I mentioned that it sounded like Kenny and Sam were dealing drugs, and she said "Oh yeah, they are - we know they are." While I might have been totally shocked, I really wasn't (what does that say about them and this whole situation?) I asked how they knew, and she said that she and Galen had heard people, including Kenny himself, talking about it.

So now I am faced with a new dilmna : can I really let Tessi go back over to stay there, knowing that they are dealing drugs? And do I have any obligation to call and report them to the police? I really don't know, and I am definitely going to talk to some people before I make any decisions. I found it disturbing the way Tessi talked about it, as if it was no big deal. At one point, she even seemed to defend it, saying "well they need to get money because they don't have jobs." Well, yeah! Most people would choose to go out and find a real job at this point - not deal drugs! I am not sure what to do, but I do know that I need to have a talk with Tessi to make sure she knows that it is absolutely not right and unacceptable, as well as dangerous and illegal, for anyone to deal drugs.

Getting better

This last weekend was pretty interesting, as I was alone on Halloweeen night for the first time in many years. I have always taken the kids out trick or treating, or at the least been there when they got home to go through their goody bags with them. But Tessi really wanted to spend some time over at her mom's too, so I took her to meet Sam on Friday night. Then, on Saturday, I spent the entire day with Mom. We took the light rail from beginning to end and back, with a stop by "Majerle's" for lunch, and then a trip through the Arizona Science Center, which was very interesting. We had a nice day, and it was good to get out and do something I had not done before. It was weird not having the kids around on Halloween night. I ended up watching "Drag Me to Hell," and it was actually really good. So all in all, it was a good day/night.

Generally, I have been feeling better and think that I am on a bit of an upswing. I have found some good new meetings to go to, and even made a new friend (Jim B) in one of them. I have been pretty good about doing my emotional ABC's every night like I am supposed to be doing, and have been feeling calmer and less depressed. Another event that is kind of exciting, and something I think will help the depression ease even more, is the opening of an employee fitness center across the street at BGSMC. The annual fee is only $50, and it sounds like they have all of the stuff a person could expect at a gym, including showers - much like they had at Blue Cross. Now, I have lost my last major excuse for not getting in shape, and to be honest, I am glad. I am looking forward to exercising again and possibly losing a little weight (maybe..?)

And that's about it. I have an appt with Heidi for a medcheck this Thursday, and one with Diana that night. I am completely avoiding asking - or even THINKING of asking - any women out. I am being pretty much completely indifferent to them, and have completely given up on finding one. In fact, I watched this great movie last night called "Whatever Works," and in the end, the guy (played by Larry David, a la Seinfeld) found a partner by jumping out a window to commit suicide and landing on some lady! It was so funny, and such a great message : it really is all up to chance, and even when we aren't even consciously looking, we might just get find that thing that has escaped us for so long. Hopefully, I won't jump out any windows, but Lord knows I have seriously considered similar actions!