I debated for a bit over whether or not to post anything about this,-mainly because of pure laziness! Lol. But I think it is worth journalling a bit about, as it is something I am a little concerned about. Over the last several months, Tessi has been building a stronger and stronger relationship with Carrie. It has gotten to the point that she calls Carrie "mom", and her real mom Sam. For the most part, Carrie has been very loving to Tessi and spent a good amount of time with. I am concerned however that Carrie is not the best role model for Tessi, and in all honesty, I don't really like Carrie that much. She has displayed a pattern of irresponsibility and an inability to work a regular job and support herself. Both of those things for me are strong indicators of a person's character, and in both areas, I think she is lacking. Still, I know how important the relationship is to Tessi, so I have let it continue. But after what I found out last night, I am questioning that decision.
As she was getting ready for bed, Tessi asked me if I had found a $20 bill in any of her pants pockets when I was doing laundry. I told her that I hadn't, and asked her where she got one in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that she and Carrie had returned some sandals I had bought for her, and that instead of getting new sandals, they took some of the money and bought Taco Bell, and put a little gas in Carrie's tank with it. The $20 she was referring to was what was left after that. I was extremely upset upon hearing this, as I couldn't believe that : 1 - they had taken the shoes back for money instead of exhanging them like they were supposed to. 2 - that they spent some of the money on food and gas after I had already given Carrie $20. And 3 - that Carrie allowed this to happen, and even participated in it. What kind of message does that send? That it's ok to take spend other people's money as you see fit without even asking them? No bueno in my book.
Of course I was upset at Tessi. But a part of me is even more upset at Carrie for not saying something to the effect of, "No Tessi - we shouldn't spend that money unless we ask your dad. You were supposed to get shoes with it, and we need to save it for that." Unfortunately, Carrie has a history of - how can I put this kindly - "leaning on people" a little too much, to the point that they actually just have to cut her off from help. It's enough that she lost her 4 kids to CPS, but worse that she can't find and keep a job. And instead of really looking for work, it seems to me she spends more of her time trying to figure out how to get the military to pay for stuff or help her out or trying to concoct other 'schemes' to come up with money.
On top of all this, she (Carrie) told me last night that she was in the middle of some "conflicting story" situation between TASC and Terros : apparently, TASC said she came up dirty on 2 UA's, but Terros said she didn't. She swears she is clean, and said she is even going to do a hair follicle test to prove it. But the mere fact that this is happening is a red flag to me - yet another indicator of the chaos and unmanageability of her life. And it is just those things that I don't want Tessi to pick up from someone who is supposed to be a 'motherly' role model. Even though Tessi vehemently disagrees, Carrie reminds me more and more of Sam all the time : the scheming, the blaming of other people/entities for her problems, the inability to work a real job. All of these things are things that I do NOT want Tessi to model.
So I am thinking I am going to call Carrie today over lunch (in about an hour) and talk to her about this shoe return issue. I would really like some kind of explanation, even though there is nothing she can really say that will cause me to think any differently about her or the situation. I also want to discuss the importance of being a good role model, and ask her what she is doing to find some real employment. I can't continue to give her money to support her driving around. The last thing I need is to be supporting some full-grown adult who is simply unable, or unwilling, to carry their own weight.
I am hoping that, in time, Tessi will build a stronger bond with Debbie, who is a MUCH better role model and better person all the way around. I am also thinking that as soon as I get some insurance going through my work here - actually, probably before - I am going to try to get some counselling scheduled for Tess. I think it would help her a lot to talk to some objective, wiser woman who could help her make some decisions based on ideas and knowledge she may not currently even be aware of. My primary goal is simply to raise a responsibly, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted daughter who can stand up to life's challenges and be her own woman. Not another "societal dependent" who is always looking for ways to have other people support them. I feel a little icky even saying that in reference to Carrie and Sam, but it's hard to see it any other way. It sounds so cliche', but I really want what's best for Tessi. And I just don't think that Carrie is it.
As she was getting ready for bed, Tessi asked me if I had found a $20 bill in any of her pants pockets when I was doing laundry. I told her that I hadn't, and asked her where she got one in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that she and Carrie had returned some sandals I had bought for her, and that instead of getting new sandals, they took some of the money and bought Taco Bell, and put a little gas in Carrie's tank with it. The $20 she was referring to was what was left after that. I was extremely upset upon hearing this, as I couldn't believe that : 1 - they had taken the shoes back for money instead of exhanging them like they were supposed to. 2 - that they spent some of the money on food and gas after I had already given Carrie $20. And 3 - that Carrie allowed this to happen, and even participated in it. What kind of message does that send? That it's ok to take spend other people's money as you see fit without even asking them? No bueno in my book.
Of course I was upset at Tessi. But a part of me is even more upset at Carrie for not saying something to the effect of, "No Tessi - we shouldn't spend that money unless we ask your dad. You were supposed to get shoes with it, and we need to save it for that." Unfortunately, Carrie has a history of - how can I put this kindly - "leaning on people" a little too much, to the point that they actually just have to cut her off from help. It's enough that she lost her 4 kids to CPS, but worse that she can't find and keep a job. And instead of really looking for work, it seems to me she spends more of her time trying to figure out how to get the military to pay for stuff or help her out or trying to concoct other 'schemes' to come up with money.
On top of all this, she (Carrie) told me last night that she was in the middle of some "conflicting story" situation between TASC and Terros : apparently, TASC said she came up dirty on 2 UA's, but Terros said she didn't. She swears she is clean, and said she is even going to do a hair follicle test to prove it. But the mere fact that this is happening is a red flag to me - yet another indicator of the chaos and unmanageability of her life. And it is just those things that I don't want Tessi to pick up from someone who is supposed to be a 'motherly' role model. Even though Tessi vehemently disagrees, Carrie reminds me more and more of Sam all the time : the scheming, the blaming of other people/entities for her problems, the inability to work a real job. All of these things are things that I do NOT want Tessi to model.
So I am thinking I am going to call Carrie today over lunch (in about an hour) and talk to her about this shoe return issue. I would really like some kind of explanation, even though there is nothing she can really say that will cause me to think any differently about her or the situation. I also want to discuss the importance of being a good role model, and ask her what she is doing to find some real employment. I can't continue to give her money to support her driving around. The last thing I need is to be supporting some full-grown adult who is simply unable, or unwilling, to carry their own weight.
I am hoping that, in time, Tessi will build a stronger bond with Debbie, who is a MUCH better role model and better person all the way around. I am also thinking that as soon as I get some insurance going through my work here - actually, probably before - I am going to try to get some counselling scheduled for Tess. I think it would help her a lot to talk to some objective, wiser woman who could help her make some decisions based on ideas and knowledge she may not currently even be aware of. My primary goal is simply to raise a responsibly, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted daughter who can stand up to life's challenges and be her own woman. Not another "societal dependent" who is always looking for ways to have other people support them. I feel a little icky even saying that in reference to Carrie and Sam, but it's hard to see it any other way. It sounds so cliche', but I really want what's best for Tessi. And I just don't think that Carrie is it.
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