I just got an email from my cousin Carol, asking me what was going on - why I wasn't on Facebook anymore, and why I got rid of my blog. So I proceeded to write a long email to her, restating what I have already stated here. I added a little extra on my reply to her though, reminding her that when we were in our preteens not even she would give me the time of day. I was a short, awkward, big-nosed geek, and she was the gorgeous, blonde, big-boobed bombshell who wanted nothing to do with me. Now, some 25 years later, it seems as though she has forgotten that - but I haven't.
And in fact, I haven't been able to forget, or get past, all of the slights, humilitations, and bullying I suffered as a kid. That shit has stayed with me. And even though I have been in counselling for oever 6 years now, and worked the steps like 3 times, I still feel like that awkward, short, big nosed geek who couldn't attract a nice girl if his life depended on it. And I remember Carol ignoring me, treating me like I was "less than".... and it hurts - especially when I am depressesd like I am now.
You know what I used to wish, and still do sometimes? That every person in the world was blind; that we could no longer make any judgements based on appearance; that includes me too, because I am just as bad as everyone else - I judge by appearance. You bet I do. But I hate that I do - it's a part of me I detest, because I know that I consciously and unconsciously do to others what I hate so much to have done to me.
But, I am sure we would find some other way to "judge" others - by smell, by sound of their voice. I selfishly think to myself that maybe I would smell better than everyone else, so I could be one of the 'cool' ones in that world. I coudl be popular, and get any good-smelling woman I wanted. Yeah, right. Fuck that. Personally, I would rather be an orangutan, or something else entirely; something small and insignificant, like a pinworm. No worries, no cares, no self-esteem issues, no bullshit. It's amazing how good being a pinworm sounds, isn't it?
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