I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.
In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.
I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.
In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.
Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.
Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.
So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth. Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.
In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.
I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.
In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.
Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.
Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.
So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth. Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.
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