Well, here I am again. And given the fact that about the only time I write here is when I am down, well... yeah.
So things have been going great at work for the last year or so - almost too good to believe. I have been getting along with everyone, no troubles, no real personality clashes, just cruising along for once. I even had my annual review a couple of weeks ago and Al told me he was really happy with the improvement I had made in that area. Ahhh, it felt so good to be on the sunny side of life... for a minute anyway.
But of course, all good things must end, and my good thing ending came by way of a new BA named Traci. I can't really think of any way to describe her, or our relationship, other than to say she rubs me the wrong way. She comes off as very demanding, a know-it-all, and seems to give very little respect or creedence to the fact that I have worked here for 2 years and she is new. We have been butting heads on the project I am on, and it finally came to a head last week. And I made a big mistake - one I have made before - and I got my ass chewed by Al for it yesterday. I emailed her boss, Jamie about it, and suggested maybe he, she and I have a meeting to talk about stuff. Well, I guess Jamie brought that email to Al, and Al was not too happy for what he viewed as an "end around." And rightly so - I fucked up, again, making the same mistake I made last year when I went to Jennifer without going to him first. You think I would learn, right? Guess not.
And I was ok with getting ripped about that part. But then he starts going into how I "have difficulties with everyone" I have ever worked with, how I had difficulties with Stephanie, Viv, and even Sue, whom I have never even worked with really. I don't know where he came up with that one, so I asked him if he was talking about outside of work too. He said that I was the only one that has had difficulties with everyone they have everp ut with me - all because of my dust up with this new BA. It was like everything he had said in the review was out the fucking window. Once again, because I chose to voice an opinion, because I took what someone (Jamie F)said at face value by talking to him about something, I got bit in the ass.
But there is another side to all this - a side I would like to simply overlook, but cannot : my part in it. And as I see it, I have a big part, and have been living against the principles I believe in by talking smack about people. I have grumbled and mumbled about Sue, Vivian (in the past), and this new BA Traci. And to be 100% honest, I got my due return for doing so. I need to remember the old adage : if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all. I need to live by that, and to work hard to keep my fucking mouth shut and just do what I am told. I thought I had gained a little seniority, and had the right to interject my opinion - but I don't. And I am letting my ego get ahold of that and really mess with me. I just need to let that part go, do what I am asked, and be grateful to have a job. A part of me sickens to read that, especially considering the way I was raised and what was instilled in me by my mom, but it is true. And it is especially true for someone trying to live in and by the Dhamma.
I am down today. I am wanting to blame it on society, on corporate America, on Al, on Traci, on Jamie - but I know in my heart that I am the cause of all my problems, and I am the solution. All that is is a reflection of my thoughts, and only by changing them can I change my world. I am going to change them - or, to put it more accurately, I am going to let God/the universe change them with me. Cuz I need help to do it, that I know. And I am willing to accept help today - that much progress I have made, thank God!
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