Brings me back

I am sitting here in my cube listening to "Chloe/Crown of Thorns" by Mother Love Bone, and it transported me right back to South Dakota, the fall of 1992. I had enrolled at South Dakota School of Mines and Technology in geology. I was living in the basement at Irene's house, and had a couple of guys I hung out with all the time named Larry (aka Eyeball) and Chris (aka Sunshine) - we all had nicknames... mine was Easy. Lol. I was going out to the bars with Carol on the weekends and dancing, drinking, partying; going to the neighborhood coffeeshop with Larry and Chris, reading poetry and going out in the woods getting high.

I would have to say it was one of the more memorable, and all around enjoyable times in my life. Even though I was smoking ganj regularly, I never did any speed the whole time I was up there. I actually scored twice while I was up there, and could have one other time, but it got a little weird with the girl I was with (Keri). One of the scores was with a 42 year old lady who was an aerobics intstructor - I still brag about that one occasionally! Ha ha! She was married though, and that I am not proud of. But, as Doug says, back then I was 'young, dumb, and full of cum'! Lol.

I think that is one of the periods in my life that I will always be the most nostalgic about. I truly was the trippy, mystic, college attending poet, and lived - really lived life to it's fullest. I rode a motorcycle side by side with Desi during that period for the first time ever. I helped start a poetry reading group and was seen as a good poet among my peers. I hiked frequently and communed with nature - even had my favorite little spot to go (Silver Creek Mountain). I partied with Carol - laughed, drank, smoked the ganj. I did great in college, and had some good buds there too, a cool little study group. I went to some college parties. It was definitely a period I will always look back on fondly.

And there are songs that take me back to that time instantly : the aforementioned Mother Love Bone tune; "Love is on the Way" by Saigon Kick"; "Dirt" by Alice in Chains; whatever that song was by Chapterhouse. There are probably others too, but those are the ones that come to mind. It's funny how music can do that. I wonder - will I someday look back on this period of my life with such nostalgia when I hear songs like "Lisztomania" by Phoenx, "Out of Control" by She Wants Revenge, ""Light" by Matisyahu. Will there be that sense of nostalgia? I'm not so sure. It's tough to compete with such a period as the one back in '92. But there is no competition - there is only reminiscing, and gratitude for all the great memories - gratitude for remembering.

And that's that

I decided to put an end to the madness this last weekend. So Saturday morning, I woke up, got my gear on, grabbed Barbara's book, rode up to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where we first met, had a nice cup of coffee, and left the book with the people behind the counter so she could pick it up at her convenience. I figured that way, I have nothing tying me to her any more, and I can just get her out of my life completely. And at this point, that is what I want - to remove any and all connections to her. As far as my movie that she had, "What the Bleep Do We Know..?" I sent an email telling her she coudl just keep it or pass it along to someone else who might enjoy it. I also mentioned in the email that I didn't want her to send me another email with some unsolicited advice, as she sent a reply to the email I sent informing her about what I did saying that I had to "examine my reaction." I told her that she needs to examine her level of pretentiousness! Ha ha!

So I think I have closed that chapter for good. Of course, I was thinking yesterday that she is probably one of those women who just loves arguing, or being challenged, and that this won't be the end for her - she just won't be able to let it go. We'll see though. I actually hope it is - I really do. As pretty as she was, as intelligent and spiritual, as good a connection as we shared, it is clear to me that either she is a very selfish, uncompassionate person, really is WAY too busy for any new friends (in which case, whats the point?), or she was being dishonest with me and really didn't want to see me. And in any of these cases, I wouldn't really want to be her friend anyway, so....

In other, more pleasant news, I met Heather Saturday night at a little coffeeshop in Glendale that I have heard mentioned before in the Program called the Coffee Cup and Spoon. They have a karaoke night on Friday and Saturday nights, and it was really fun to watch all the different people get up and "try" to sing! Lol. Some were actually pretty good. Heather got up and did "Separate Ways" by Journey and rocked it pretty good! It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with her.

In other news, I "flipped" my exercise bike on craigslist and went and bought a treadmill off the same. It worked out so cool - I put the bike up Saturday afternoon, got an email about it Sunday morning, had a guy and his daughter come and buy it Sunday around noon for $120, called on the treadmill while they ran to the bank to get some cash, and as soon as they left with the bike, went and picked up the treadmill for $120! It worked out so perfectly , a real God thing. I wanted to get a treadmill because I just haven't been using the bike at all, and I am really enjoying running now. Now we'll see if I use the treadmill or not! Ha ha. I think I will though.

Took the kids to see "Despicable Me" yesterday, and it was a great movie. It was also nice to spend a little family time together - it had been a while. I think I am going to make more of an effort to make sure we spend at least one day every week or 2 doing something together like that.

So all in all, it was a nice weekend. I am looking forward to a nice week, and even better - a 3 day weekend! Woo hoo!

I wish I never....

There are sometimes in life when I think to myself, "I wish I never..." Like with meth - I wish I had never even tried that stuff. Like with leaving South Dakota - I wish we had never moved from there, so far away from our family. Like now, with Barbara - I wish I had never met her. I know that sounds like a very strong thing to say, but it's true.

It seems like ever since we met, I just can't seem to shake the desire and longing I have for her. And I am not talking in a sexual way - not at all. Not that she isn't attractive, because she is. But this is something more than that - much more. And to be honest, I hate it, I really do. I wish I could just completely forget about her, forget about us meeting, forget about all of it, and just move on. But for some reason, I keep clinging on to the little scraps she throws me. It's really pathetic actually. I think with any other woman, I would have totally blown them off by now and just moved on. For whatever reason, I have not been able to do that with Barbara.

Now I was doing a pretty good job of just forgetting all about it (as much as I could anyway), then last weekend, out of nowhere, she texted me saying "Good morning" and something about the fact that she was still "mulling over the idea of friends." Why the hell did she have to do that? I mean, according to her, she is just too busy for ANY kind of relationship in her life right now, even friendship, so what's the point in sending me a message at all? Maybe just to fuck with me? Or is it that she knows just how good a match I am for her, and what a great guy I am, so she wants to keep me hanging on, just in case she decides to actually go with her instincts? One thing is certain - I don't know what the hell to think about it.

I do know that I wished we wouldn't have met; I wish I wasn't so attracted to her; I wish she wasn't as compatible, spiritually speaking, as she is; I wish we wouldn't have spent the night after we met feverishly texting back and forth, entertaining thoughts of being "meant to be" together; I just wish I hadn't met her at all.

And now - now I wish I could just forget about her. I wish that when she texted me, I could just ignore it. I wish I could just ignore it, delete it, and move on like it never happened, But, for whatever reason, I just have not been able to do that yet. Who knows - maybe I will get to that point though. I am sure going to work on it. I am renting this woman so much space in my head, and it is getting me nothing but misery. Ugh. Fortunately, I have my good Friday night AA meeting tonight, and I am supposed to be going to coffee with my sponsor afterwards, at which time I hope to talk to him about this stuff. So there is hope.

Meanwhile, I am going to try to remind myself that she is just another person, just another human being, just another woman, and that there are more like her out there - she isn't the one and only attractive woman I will ever meet and share interests with. In fact, there may very well be one who is better suited to me out there. And then again, there may be none. Either way, there is nothing positive for me to be gained in obsessing on her, and what "could be" - I have to live in the now, for today, and leave that, as everything else, in the hands of God.

"God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me what thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy way of Life. May I do your will always. Amen."

The persistence of disappointment

Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.

And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.

I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!

So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.

I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!

Women - whaddya' gonna' do?

Man, I tell ya' - women can be so freakin' weird. I just don't get it sometimes. I got a message from a lady on POF Monday night, and we sent a couple of messages back and forth over the last day or 2. So we were discussing in the messages about getting together for coffee. She sends me a message today asking about meeting tonight at 5:15pm in Mesa. Well, I need to cook dinner for the kids, so I can't be there that early. Not to mention that is a LONG way from me. So, I write back suggesting we do 6:30 at Tempe Marketplace. Next thing you know, I get a message from her on POF stating that she has decided she doesn't want to meet now, and wishing me good luck. WTF??!?! Really?

Now, if there is one thing I have learned in all of this - besides the fact that women are often times batshit crazy and totally un-understandable - it is not to take any of this personally. Who knows what' going on with her. And chances are that if she cancelled, it is for the best - we wouldn't have been a match anyway. After all, this situation, like every other, is in God's hands - not mine. And I am puttin my faith in the fact that if I just keep doing the footwork, I will eventually meet the woman the Universe thinks would be a good match. No use getting all upset about it, or letting it get me down. Hell, I've been through so much of this crap now I am actually starting to get numb to it! I think that, for me, that is actually a good thing.

Still haven't heard anything from Barbara, but not surprising. Both she, and from the looks of it, this other lady I was talking about - DeAnna - are both very attractive women, and probably get hundreds of emails a week from eligible dudes. So they are on the other side of this - gunning some of them down without ever even meeting them. Must be nice! Actually, I don't know about that now. Maybe it's even more discouraging - meeting TONS of guys, and none of them turn out to be a match. Bummer! We should all have such hardships! LOL

So yeah, I am right where I started, but with a much better attitude. Fuck 'em. Or bless 'em. It's all the same in the end!!! That's just terrible, isn't it? Oh well - I guess I am just a horrible person. But at least I am healthier emotionally, right? :o)

Bored, but grateful

So today I am a bit bored. I have been working pretty hard on the Better Together app, and it has come together nicely, albeit with quite a few challenges related to the tab panel, and the associated eccentricities of dealing with postbacks when, logically speaking, all of the controls are on one "page" - in the same aspx file. But I have definitely learned a lot about JavaScript, tab panels themselves, and the use of session variables to help maintain state. Not to mention, it is looking pretty sweet too.

Today, I thought I might hear back from Barbara - half expected her to text this morning when I didn't text her - but she is a tough cookie, and I haven't heard a peep. I am actually ok with it now though, as I am taking a completely different view of the whole thing, and no longer feel that sense of "wow!" about her. And I think that is for the best anyway. What was going on there with me was in no way healthy, and I am much more stable and rational again. I admit, it is fun to be all caught up and "swept away" but those kind of feelings. But not so much when the other person isn't really as well, ya know?

In more mundane matters, I about pooped my pants yesterday when I checked my APS bill online and found that it is $330 - talk about a "holy shit! moment! My bill last month was only $155, and last year for this month, was only $190. So I called APS and told them I thought there was something wrong. The lady on the phone asked me when the last time I had the A/C serviced was, that it was probably the issue. Well, I don't know when the last time was, and I am certain they won't take any type of action on their part until I have had it serviced to make sure that isn't it. And who knows - maybe that is it. It does seem like it has been running a lot more. I scheduled someone to come out and take a look at it tomorrow, so I guess we'll find out.

Well, I am going to find some other way to deal with my boredom now. I already posted to the Numbsung too, so not quite sure what's next! Lol :)

Recapping Sunday's events

Yesterday, I was fairly shocked to receive a text from Barbara wishing me "good morning" and saying that she had been mulling over the idea of friendship, and how that might look. She also mentioned that she is extremely busy, with having 2 jobs and going to school, and that if she doesn't always get back to me in a timely manner, I shouldn't take it personal. I told her that I thought I could do that, and so it seems that we are going to be able to be friends after all, which is pretty cool. Because even though I thought she played some mind games - which she may not have meant to do - she is a nice woman who is very interesting to talk to and very spiritual. So I am pretty happy about that. And I would be lying if I said I had no hope or belief that her contacting me again might well indicate that she actually "misses" me to some extent, and that it might yet turn to something more one day. But I am not expecting that, nor am I putting all my hopes and expectations into it - I am just going to enjoy being friends.

I did end up meeting with Heather yesterday, and we talked for a good 2 hours. It was pretty emotional for her, and I think some of the stuff we talked about, esp. regarding parents, our addictions, our struggles and trials, really brought up some stuff that was painful for her. She teared up a couple of times, and I actually ended up reaching out and hugging and comforting her once, as she was very emotional, and I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I told her that she doesn't need to be alone all the time - that she can call me, and we can do some things together. I always liked Heather - she is a real, genuine person, and a total sweetheart.

Which reminds me that I want to send her an email and check in on her, so I think I will do that. All is going well in my life, other than the fact that I checked my APS bill this morning, and it is $330 for last month! That is just crazy, considering it was only $155 last month, and about $192 for July of last year. I called APS, but of course they said nothing was wrong, and that I should have my A/C unit serviced. So I am going to do that, and if the bill is still sky high next month, they gonna' have some 'splaining to do!!!