Weekend update

So yeah - the whole "taking a break thing"...yyyyeaahhhh. Here I am again, trolling POF, sending out messages, and taking chances! Lol. At first, I was thinking maybe that's a bad thing - maybe I really am desperate and totally codependent. But then I started thinking, hey - maybe it's actually a good thing. Maybe it means I am not getting so hopeless and despondent every time something doesn't work out, and I am actually maintaining some faith and belief in myself. I remember Diana saying that there is a difference to putting myself out there and making myself available and being truly desperate.

Now for a bit of "the trippy" : I had a dream Friday night that I was in a relationship with a black girl. It was like we were married or engaged or something. By itself, not erxtraordinary, although I have never dreamed of being with a black girl before. Then, last night when I was on POF, a black girl actually IM'd me, and we chatted for a bit. It was a pretty good chat, and she looks really pretty. BUT, I am not reading too much into it. If I learned anything in my experience with Barbara, it was to avoid assigning all kinds of meaning to various events, even if they seem to be incredibly coincidental - it can lead to nothing but heartache and trouble. I mean, if something great does come out of something like that, I can always look back in wonder, and think "wow." But if I go all crazy with it, thinking "this is meant to be!" and it doesn't work out...? No bueno.

In other news, I am meeting Heather Tancke for coffee today at 2. Heather has always been a really cool chick, and - to be brutally honest - if she was in a little better shape, I would probably ask her out. But she has gained some weight over the years, and I am just not able to get over my aversion to dating heavier women - especially now that I have gotten into such good shape myself. I think it will be great to catch up though and to visit with her. She really is a sweetheart.

Ok - enough typing for today. I'm audi 5000 yizzall!

Back to normal...?

I started the "Numbsung Hero" blog up again, and must say, I am enjoying posting some funny stuff again. I have already got a couple of comments - onr from Carol (duh!) and another from some 'anonymous' reader who says there are glad I am back, that I am still funny and thanks for making them laugh. That made me feel pretty good - to know that someone is getting a laugh out of it. I have always loved making people laugh, and to think that I can do it in this venue of blogging, well, that's pretty darned cool in my opinion.

In other news, I got an email reply from Barbara in response to my lengthy apology and explanation. I thought for awhile that maybe she had blocked my email address and written me off as a stalker - seriously! But she finally wrote back and actually apologized herself for any hurt she may have caused. I thought that was nice, and wrote back and said that, if she was still up for it, I think I could be just friends with her; that I could restrain myself; and that I too was taking a break from dating for awhile. Haven't heard back from her just yet, but she mentioned in her email that she might be down in the Biltmore area Saturday to meet "the girls," and that if she was, perhaps we could meet up and exchange her book and my movie. So we'll see what happens.

I guess there really isn't much more going on than I have already covered. I am meeting with my sponsor after my AA meeting tonight to talk over some stuff, in particular this dating stuff, and other than that, have no real plans for the weekend. I guess we will just see if anything interesting comes up. You just never know what's going to happen :)

Figures!

I got a FB message from my cousin Carol yesterday asking me if I was still doing my "numbsung" blog. Apparently, a friend of hers in Guam was asking about it because he/she thought it was very funny, and wanted to read it again. Then, I got another message from her last night telling me that another friend of hers in Vegas had said the same thing - that the blog was hilarious, and that they wanted to read it again. I was a little taken aback by the complimentary nature of the emails, as well as a little mournful, because I completely dusted that blog and all the entries on it when I got really down last year. I thought that I could "bet back" at all the happy people who were reading that blog and enjoying laughing at my misfortunes by destroying it. In the end of course, I ended up hurting myself it seems, as my dream to be a published writer - or at least a popular, well-known one - went done in a rain of 0's.

Now I find myself sitting here wondering if I can resurrect that funny writer; wondering if it is something I can tap into again; wondering if, like so many of my seeming 'talents' in these areas, it was merely a fleeting glimpse. Of course now that I have some actual demand, I suppose I would be crazy to not at least give it a try. It would feel good to know that I am bringing some laughter into some people's lives. And it would be a nice place to practice my sarcasm and wit. Give the people what they want, right?

So I think I am going to see if I can bring it back from the ashes - this time, not for my glory or popularity, but for the mere joy of making others laugh. I realize now that it's not about me and my selfish desire. If I truly have a gift, then I need to give it away. And if that gift is making people laugh, I can think of none better. So now I am off to rebuild that which was torn down and resurrect he who was dead - long live the Numbsung Hero!

Break time

So I met with Marj last night, and suffice it to say that it was such a "wonderful" experience that I am officially 'on break' from dating until further notice. We met at a place off of 3rd street and Bell called Yogurtini, a self serve yogurt place that was ok, but way inferior to Yogurtology as far as taste and product quality go. Anyway, we got our yougurt and sat down to visit, and she quickly got to talking about some issues she was having with her son - apparently he got busted for drugs recently, and she has been trying to get him to stop smoking the ganj (we all know how well that works - a mom trying to get her son to quit smoking weed, right? Lol).

I listened to her talking, and it was pretty clear to me that she has a VERY codependent relationship with her son, and that she was almost obsessed with the situation. I asked if she might consider going to Al Anon for some advice, and she told me that she already had gone, when she was dealing with her alcoholic husband. It seemed like she was looking for some advice, and I suggested that she might need to set some clear boundaries. She seemed to understand the concept, but I didn't get the feeling that she would be able to actually put them into practice and stick to them.

Well, after about 30-35 minutes of talking, she tells me that her son texted her, that he's home, and that she's sorry, but she really wants to go home and catch him so she can talk to him. Now, I have skipped taking the kids out to dinner to meet, taken the trouble to shower and dress nice, and driven like 12 miles - just to have her leave so she can go talk to her son...? Yeah, I wasn't real happy about that. It was however, a very enlightening experience, and showed me that she is definitely not someone I want to get involved with. She has so much going on with her son, and she is so engrossed in it, that I just don't see that we could have any kind of healthy relationship. And that's not to mention the fact that I asked her about that guy she was having trouble with, who wouldn't leave her alone, and she explained that it was an "on again/off again" thing, and that he wanted to be on again. Interestingly, that's all she really said - never said if she wanted to still, or if they were 'on again'.

All this left me feeling very disappointed, let down, and pretty much just burnt out on the whole process of meeting and trying to date women. It seems like it is just more work than it is worth right now, and I am tired of the mind games, disappointment, hassle and time it takes. I posted a message on my FB last night that I am just going to take a break from it, and I truly am. I even got on POF for just a minute last night thinking I might send out a message or 2. Then I realized I was just sick of it all, and I just closed the page. I am still in contact with Patricia, and she is fun to hang out with, so I might just go out on the occasional fun date with her, and maybe even Sharon sometimes, now that she is divorcing Bob.

I have learned a lot this round though. I have learned that it is important to be very clear in the beginning what my intentions are. And that if I am really attracted to a woman, and she suggests the "just friends first" thing, to just politely decline and move on. I am not looking for more "friends" - I am looking for a life partner. I have also learned that I tend to fall in WAY too quickly - STILL - and that I really need to concentrate on taking it slow, VERY slow, and take time to really get to know the person before I let myself think "she's the one!" And I also learned to not let anyone convince me to send them anything that I have written solely for my own viewing or purposes. Nothing good can come of it, and it defeats the purpose of such writing.

So, now I am back to "single dad" life, taking the time to be more involved with the kids, work out, read, meditate, get chores done, do my AA stuff, and just enjoy life. I am ok - I really am. I am not lonely, nor am I desperate. I am just me - single me. And single me is ok today. In fact, I like single me. And until single me finds a single someone else with whom things seem to click, single me is going to love myself and enjoy my life for all the wonderful things in it - and in me :)

The "Year in Dating in Review"

Wow, that was interesting. I was just looking back over some of my posts from the last2 or 3 months, and realizing how many different women I have met, and just how many of them I thought might work into actual 'partners.' It was actually kinda' funny - I guess I am a bit of a sap when it comes to the ladies! Lol. I tend to make some judgments and decisions very quickly, and determine after the first meeting whether or not there might be something worth pursuing or not. But I guess I should start at the start, what got me to looking over my past posts in the first place.

I think I recounted how things basically 'blew up' with Barbara. I realize that I really jumped in head first, and probably acted like a crazy person. But in my defense, I honestly felt like there was something above and beyond just attraction working - a kind of cosmic connection - and I got very caught up in it. I had to laugh when I re-read her journal entry, as she seemed to be asking herself something to the effect of "why is it that when we get what we asked for, we are afraid of it?". I think that's exactly what happened : that the universe delivered for her, but she wasn't really ready for it. At least that's my perspective. Anyhoo, on with the story.

So, having basically shut things down with Barbara, and cooled them to a chill with Pattie, I started thinking about possibly pursuing some other women on POF, but wasn't really excited at that possibility. Then, I remembered - I had already met someone who was very sweet, very pretty, warm and fun to talk to - Marj. I put things on the shelf with her after I met Pattie, in larger part because it took her so long to get back to me. But things were not left in such a manner as to close any doors. In fact, in the last email or 2 I received from her at that time, she said if I ever wanted to talk or anything, to feel free to contact her.

So Friday, I sent her a text saying 'hello,' and stating that if she wasn't seeing anyone yet, I would love to meet up with and talk to her. I was half-expecting her to either say she had met someone, or "thanks, but no thanks." To my pleasant surprise, she didn't say either of those things. She said that she had been taking a break from POF (cool), spending a lot of time at the gym (very cool), and that she would like to talk some more (awesomely cool!). We texted back and forth a bit and settled on meeting Tuesday (tomorrow) night at 7pm. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I have thought how it must be a little weird for her, with me having passed by her to date Patricia, and then coming back around.

I hope that doesn't cause her to feel too weird though, because it was really a matter of timing more than anything else. I actually think (oh boy, here I go again! Ha ha! After reading back over my last several 'dating' posts, I realized that I have said what I am about to say about almost ALL of the ladies I have dated recently! LOL!) that she has the greatest collection of positive traits that I am looking for, and the least amount of negative ones. I am NOT going to go all bananas and say "This is it! She's really THE ONE!" because I don't know that, and I will look like a heel if I do.

I will say that she is very sweet, that she is very attractive, and that I am looking forward to talking with her again. We'll see how - and where - it goes. Something tells me she is more romantic and affectionate than Barbara was, and more gentle than Pattie was. That was one thing about Pattie that was a pretty big turn off for me : the way that, when we kissed, it seemed like she was trying to literally 'crawl into' my mouth, or meld our lips together by pressing them together so hard that they fused! Lol. She was a little too aggressive, a little too rough for me.

I think this time, I am going to pray and meditate about this meeting with Marj before I actually go on it (imagine that!). I really want to take it easy, and let God, the universe, the spirit of patience lead the way. I am recognizing my tendency to just dive in. And while it's all well and good to be a "romantic", the whole process of breaking people's hearts - including my own - after only one or 2 dates, well - that's just not necessary. I need guidance - divine guidance - on this one, and I am finally going to seek it :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

And this is why...

...I really can't stand women sometimes - at least as far as the whole "relationship" thing goes. Had a nice meeting with Barb last night, nice convo, yadda yadda. Once again, felt a great connection, like we were getting closer. So today, I send her an email, a few texts, and I get hit yet again with the "friends first" club. Now, it's totally ok that she wants to be friends first. But this lady is beating me over the head with it, and to be honest, it's getting annoying. I was going to over to some friend of her's house tonight to watch "What the Bleep Do We Know," but I am actually going to cancel. And not just because I am miffed - I literally have NO underwear clean (wearing those crappy boxer briefs I bought when I was seeing Ty), I am really tired, and I don't want Tess to have to stay up too late tonight - she was up til after 10 last night, and really tired today. So perhaps it's all for the best.

Women... they are so fucking confusing sometimes. So she has a profile on POF to meet a bunch of friends...? She sent me the first communication - not the other way around. She is the one who asked to see my blog entry, knowing full well what was in there. Ugh! WTF? I swear, it's like women like her love to torture me. "Let's just keep it friends, but I am going to flirt with you, and want to see you a lot, ok?" Fuck that shit! I have 'friends', and I am lucky to see them once a month! I am too old to play games like this, so I think I am going to slam the brakes on this mofo. She can date whoever she wants, and make a ton of friends. I am looking for a relationship - like a romantic, man/woman, let's build a life together relationship.

I guess I need to be more up front about that from now on : if I wanted a new friend, or mere companionship, I would buy a freakin' puppy! Personally, I think she knows she can attract a much taller, buffer, richer, more handsome man, and she feels like she would be settling with me. Instead of telling me the truth, she is being 'nice' about it. Why do I think that? Because it's the same exact thing I would do. In fact, it is exactly what I did with Patricia last night. Yeah.