A Tale of Two Mornings

The first, a happy, newly refreshed morning on which I was smiling inside, having met a nice, beautiful woman the night before, and having talked to her for over 3 hours. The other, a frustrating, stressful morning full of "it doesn't work" and "there's something wrong with..." observances from the friendliest BA this side of the Pecos. I swear - as much as I try to maintain a peaceful calm demeanor, I could just rip her f*ck!ng head off sometimes! Aaarrrggghhhhh! It's not so bad that things are wrong with the app - I mean, that is the nature of the beast, and to be expected. What is bad is the way she just JUMPS on the first little sign of an error, and throws it in my face - "there's something wrong with the app." This morning, I don't think she had been signed in for more than 30 seconds before she was IM'ing saying there was something wrong. Turns out, nothing was wrong with the app - it was the user account they were trying to use to access the app, one that was not even mentioned in the reqs. Oy vey! I just need to breathe.....

Now, on to something much nicer - the good part of the morning, the part where I was reminiscing about the woman I met last night, Marj. I know - really? Marj? And she's hot? No way. Typically, Marj is not a name that conjures up visions of beauty. But she definitely breaks the mold, and in the greatest of ways. Pretty, sweet, nice figure, great attitude, charming - we really hit it off. I couldn't help but thinking after we parted, "this one is a keeper." To top it off, when I got home, she had written me an email apologizing for talking so much about her past. She also mentioned that she enjoyed talking with me and had a good time. It was really cool to get an email like that, especially considering that when I initially signed into gmail, I was doing it to send her the very same kind of email! Lol. Gotta' love it.

I wrote her back a nice email, and basically told her no apologies were necessary, that I enjoyed talking to her, and that she was a very sweet and beautiful woman. I am hoping that last part wasn't too much, but I just couldn't help saying how I truly felt. I was - I am - EXTREMELY attracted to her. I wanted to reach over and put my hand on her thigh SO bad last night. She has a great figure, and was wearing a sexy, low cut top, with some nice shorts that were fairly short, but not so much to be trampy. Her skin looked silky smooth, and I swear it was all I could do to not just reach over and start stroking her thigh!

Now I am a little nervous, as I haven'y yet receieved a reply from her. I hope she didn't think I came on too strong in my reply email. Chances are, everything is fine, and I am worrying for nothing. But I have to say honestly that out of all the women I have met over the last 7 years, all of them, she is the one that I have found the most completely attractive in all ways : nice figure, a little shorter than me, friendly, warm, no excessive facial hair (sounds mean, I know - but I just have an aversion to that), great legs, nice breasts (not huge, but not tiny either), nice smile, open and honest, self aware, etc. I mean, I could really see myself pursuing this woman, and really trying to make something serious with her. I want her - and not just sexually. I want her to be with me, and I want to be with her - to be there for her, and treat her like she deserves. She has been through some stuff - been cheated on, lied to, etc - and she really deserves to have a nice man who will treat her like the lady she is. I want to be that man.

Of course, I am getting way ahead of myself, and breaking all my rules of dating by saying this, but it is what I am feeling inside, and what I am thinking in my head. I know enough to know not to get to attached to the idea though, as I don't know that she feels the same way. And I don't want to be all disappointed if things don't work out. I just need to do the same thing with this as I was trying to do with the "Traci" issue this morning : breathe..... ahhhhhhh......

Love it when that happens!

So I was just going through some of my old emails to/from Tina in my gmail, kind of reminiscing a bit (and to be totally honest, seeing if I still had any naughty pics - I took some nice ones, and she had such great hooters! LOL!). Turns out the only emails I saved are all post-breakup - oh well. Anyway, while I am reading about her marrying Andrew, being pregnant, etc, I start feeling a little lonely, thinking about how I got some messages from some ladies on POF and sent them replies, and still haven't gotten anything back. The seemingly typical MO for this online dating thing... and at that moment, BING, I see a new email pop into my inbox, a notification that I have a message from someone from POF - yaaayyyy!

Well, not really - turns out it's from this lady who said she was ready to meetup, so I proposed we meet tomorrow. The message was her saying that she made plans for tomorrow before reading my message. Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... why am I not even surprised??? It seems like pulling teeth sometimes to get this seemingly simple stuff to workout. Oh well. I have been doing a good job of just letting this stuff slide, and I need to keep that up. I know enough about the whole online dating thing to know this is just how it is, and that it is in no way a personal reflection on me. How could it be? These people don't even know me! Lol.

I guess I just get tired of meeting people with whom there seems to be no chemistry. Of course, I am sure they feel the same way. Then, when there does seem to be some, like with Wendy (kinda') and Michelle (definitely) there is something else that goes awry. I am sitting here thinking, was it this much of a numbers game before there was online dating? It seems to me like it wasn't. But then again, the dynamics were entirely different, at least with people like me who aren't by nature big risk takers, and wouldn't ask just anyone out.

Back in 'the day', the women I would ask out were typically women that I had gotten to know over a period of time, so it was pretty obvious if there was any kind of connection already. And there was always the, "hey - see if you can find out if she likes me or not, but don't let her know I want to know, ok?" ploy that worked so well! Ha ha! It meant that there weren't a lot of the kind of meetings that happen now, where you are basically meeting someone for the very first time, knowing that the reason you are meeting is to maybe find a match, someone to date. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense that it would be very different now - much more of a numbers game.

But, what I need to remember is that, even though I get sick of that game sometimes, I need to be grateful too. Because at this point, I am not meeting a lot of women anywhere else in my life - not at meetings, not at work, not at bowling, not anywhere. So if it wasn't for the online thing, it would be much harder for me to meet any women. I need to remember that when I start getting frustrated - that it's a good thing - it really is.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. It's Friday before a 3 day weekend, and we get to leave early today - yippeeeeee!!!

Not a match - the story continues

After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.

I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.

I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.

So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)

Update on the date

So I finally had the 'big' date with Wendy, and we actually had a nice day together. I was pretty excited at first, because as she approached the lightrail station, I noticed she was wearing a light skirt, with high slits up both sides, and a top that showed a little bit of cleavage. I am thinking, "ok, she must like me, cuz she is showing some skin." But interestingly enough, once we actually met up, I couldn't tell if that was the case or not, and that was pretty much the vibe of the day. Not to say we didn't have a nice time, because we did.

We went to the Phoenix Art Museum, which I had never been to, and I was really impressed by the sheer size and beauty of the place. We spent probably 2 or 3 hours there. There was one moment, shortly after we first got there, when she was squeezing in front of me to look at something, and had her butt resting on my nether region, and again I was thinking, "momma's doing some flirting here!" But after that, there wasn't really any more of that type of interaction, so again, I was left wondering.

We went out to a late lunch after, at a place called Maizie's, and had a nice time there as well. It seemed like she was pretty "into" the waiter, who was a good looking younger guy, but maybe that is just her nature, a bit flirty. In any case, we had some nice conversation, which was good, because the item I ordered, the Caesar salad, pretty much sucked! I've had much better ones. No big though.

When we got back to the park and ride, I walked her to her van, we exchanged a nice hug, and although I had thought about going in for a little kiss, she made clear by the way she turned her head away after the hug that that was not happening. Which was ok. So I was left not really knowing how she felt about me, but thinking that she really wasn't too attracted to me physically.

I sent her an email Saturday night telling her that I had a nice time and that I was attracted to her - that it would be cool if we met for lunch. I got an email back from her saying that she would let me know about lunch, and that was it. That has been very typical of our email communications : I will say something personal, and complimentary, and when she replies, she keeps it very sterile, and never really acknowledges what I have said. I haven't let it get to me though, as I know I have communication issues, and have been telling myself "no worries, that's just how she communicates."

Since I had disclosed so much about how I felt about her though, and she hadn't said anything about how she felt about me really, I sent her an email last night asking flatly, "what do you think of me so far?" Her reply was that we share a lot of common interests and relationship goals, but that she didn't have that "fuzzy" feeling. She said she was willing to keep meeting though to see if it develops. I replied that was cool with me, and that the reason I asked is because I had gotten that feeling from her. So where does that leave all this?

Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think it basically means that we are right where she said we are : there aren't any overpowering feelings of "fuzziness" on either side, but that we can meet up and do things together, because we get along well. I like her, but I am not feeling drawn to her or overly "fuzzy" myself - not like was with Michelle or anything. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she seems to have a Dr. Spock like quality to her when it comes to the romance part of it - and perhaps that is because she isn't really attracted to me. She does laugh and express emotion about other things, but when the conversation turns to relationship or attraction type subjects, she becomes very cold and rational, or tries to pretty much just shut it down.

The great thing for me today is that I am ok with it just like it is. Is she nice? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Am I desperately longing to be with her? No, I'm not. I am ok with things no matter how they go - and for me, that is awesome. I have been striving to reach this place, and been seeking the willingness to let go of that "love at first site/fairy tale" romance delusion so I could get here. It is far too early to say that I am completely there, but I am definitely on the path. And all I can say is "Phhhewwwwwww! What a relief!" Ha ha! I needed to find some serenity about this relationship obsession I have grappled with; I have needed to trust the Universe and let go; and it seems that, even in this smalls dose, that is starting to happen. For that, and everything in my life, I truly say "Thank you Lord!"

Busy week, big day tomorrow

Wow, I guess I have actually been pretty busy at work this week! Considering the fact that my only post this week was on Monday. That's a good thing though. I have been really challenged with some JavaScript stuff in the project I am working on (Better Together 2010) and it has been very rewarding, as one of my work-related goals has been able to increase my proficiency in JavaScript. I just had a bit of a breakthrough, so I thought I would take a moment to "celebrate" by catching up here a little bit. Turns out I was making something MUCH more complicated than it really was (imagine that! Ha ha!)- accessing the value of a control sent to a JavaScript method. All I had to do was 'control.value', but instead I was trying all kinds of whacky stuff. D'oh!

So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.

I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!

And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.

For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.

So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!

A breakthrough - maybe

I had to add the little "maybe" to the end of my title there, because if there is anything I have learned in the dating game this far - at least the Internet one anyway - it is to never be too certain of anything. What seems like a sure thing can be a mirage, and counting on something to work out well can be setting myself up for disappointment. I need to remind myself of these things not to be negative and pessimistic about it, but to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and not get my expectations up too high as I have so often done in the past when it comes to dating. Ok - now that we've covered that, on to the "meat" of this post...

So Saturday, I went and met this woman at Unlimited Coffee that I met through POF. We had been messaging back and forth, and she mentioned that she was working on a business plan, and that she needed someone to help her with a website. I had told her about me being a developer, and she mentioned that maybe we could meet up some time to talk about it. I thought that was awesome, as it provided an in, BUT, I was also hesitant, because I thought maybe that's all she wanted to meet for - to talk about the website, and that there was no real interest in me as a dating possibility.

We met Saturday at 2pm, and to my relief, we started talking about all kinds of stuff right off the bat. I found her to be very attractive (especially considering my "type") and I couldn't help but think how much she reminded me of Tina, especially the way her hair was. I was, and am, very attracted to her. The conversation flowed very easily, and it was pretty evident that this woman is very intelligent, very self-aware, and totally comfortable with herself. We talked about everything from kids, to quantum physics, to Freud, philosophy and dreams. After about 2 and a half hours, she said she should really get going, and I thought I ought too as well. As she getting her stuff packed, I asked her if there was any chance we might be able to go on an actual date sometime, to which she replied "Sure! Where do you want to go?"

I was actually a little flabbergasted, partly because I really didn't expect her to say yes (I couldn't completely read her, and Lord knows I have read women wrong before!) and partly because I was so attracted to her, that I was ecstatic inside, and caught in the moment - that glorious "Yes" moment that us single people live for. I told that I thought we could do just about anything and enjoy it because of the great convo we had and that I would think it over. She said ok and asked (actually, kind of 'directed') me to walk her to her car, which I thought was awesome. She gave me a nice hug, and I walked home pretty stoked about it all.

But not ecstatic, and I was - and am - glad about that.Too many times I have gotten SOOOO excited after a first meeting, that I totally set myself for a heart-wrenching disappointment if things didn't work out. Or, on the flip side, I sucked a woman in very close to me because of my passion, only to find out later that the initial excitement I felt in the beginning was just that - initial excitement - and that after a couple of weeks, I wasn't so excited to be with the person anymore. So it isn't really being pessimistic for me, which is something I really try to avoid because of how my mom is - it is being realistic, maintaining balance, and keeping my priorities straight instead of letting the obsession take hold of me. Wow - did I just right that? More importantly - did I MEAN it? I think I did! Yippeeeee!

So there is an opportunity on the horizon. And I am looking forward to exploring it, keeping in mind that the exploration may turn up a wonderful find, a treasure of untold value; and then again, the exploration may turn up something completely different. The important thing is to simply enjoy the exploration for what it is, knowing that someday, when the time is right, and the Universe/my HP determines that both of us are ready, I will meet that "special someone", and she will meet me. Is Wendy that person? I don't know. But I am going to let time by the instrument by which that is determined, and not my codependent obsessiveness. And I am going to let my HP be the 'decider' of that instead of my 'broken picker'. I am going to be patient, trusting, and easy on myself. And you know what? It's about time! Lol :)P

Same-o same-o

Well, I have not yet heard back from miss "tantric" yet, and am not sure if I ever will. I sent her what I thought was a very thoughtful response, and I know she looked at it because on POF, you can check the status of messages you have sent to see if they have been read or are still unread. It was read, but no response. I sent her another message today, basically asking her to tell me if she wants me to lay off. So we'll see what happens.

The last few times I have been on the site, I have noticed that there don't seem to be too many more interesting women to send messages to. So I guess I will probably just kick back now and see if anything materializes from it or not. I was talking at lunch today about the fact that I think women on those type of sites can be extremely choosy, because there are probably 10 guys for every woman on there. Not to mention the fact that if they are attractive at all, they probably get inundated with emails, so they can filter arbitrarily by appearance, height, interests, etc. But I filter by all of those same things too (well, not interests so much) so I can't really complain, right? Lol

I was thinking about going to a meditation "meetup" tonight that I found on Meetups.com, but I am so broke I think I will wait til next week so I have at least a little something to give for a "love offering." Instead, I will probably end up doing some laundry instead - weeeeee! Then tomorrow, I have my appt. with Diana, and that should be good. I am started to get a little - although not very - frustrated with the whole "dating" thing again. Why can't the universe just give me one more good one - one more chance, so I can do the right thing, and be the man I want to be for a partner? Why why why... all I can do is ask why, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be ok; and that I am constantly working to improve myself mentally, spiritually and physically, so when it does finally happen, I might actually feel like I deserve it! Ha ha!