I had to laugh at that title - quite a statement for someone in sobriety! Ha ha! But, I can't really think of any other way to describe it. Barbara and I have been continuing to talk and text, and it really seems as though the connection just keeps getting stronger, at least as far as the synchronicity, timing, communication, and flirting goes. At first, it seemed like she really wanted to take a big step back after Saturday, and wanted to put the brakes on everything - and HARD. So I tried my best to just keep things light, and joke around a bit.
I was doubtful of my approach at first, as she sometimes comes off as being very serious, and I was worried I might end up totally annoying her. But over the last 2 days, it seems like she has really warmed up to me. And if I didn't know any better, and if I wasn't still so humbled by it all, I would think that she is starting to really fall for me. She made some little comments yesterday that actually bordered on outright flirting again, and she made it pretty clear that she is really looking forward to seeing me tonight. So yeah - I'm still trippin'!
We talked last night before bed, and we talked about some number stuff she had brought up through some texts yesterday - something about her being drawn to the number 212, or 1212, and wondering what I thought about it. I told her I wasn't really sure, that I thought I lived in a unit #212 at maryland court apts, but that was about it. I proceeded to tell her my "number story" about how my favorite numbers were always 3 and 24 when I was a kid, and how by complete accident, my sobriety date ended up being 03/24/03. She then got out a book she has on numbers, written by a woman who is into angels, and she read the descriptions for 3, 24, 11, 12, and 212. The number 3 one TOTALLY tripped me out, because it actually mentioned Kwan Yin in it, by name! I told her that I thought she had just thrown that in there to trip me out! Lol! It's really fun getting back into this stuff - ESPECIALLY with a beautiful woman.
Just a bit ago, I sent her some stuff I found about unicorns and their symbolic and spiritual meanings. She brought that up again last night - about here being a unicorn. I think she really took that to heart, and likes that I referred to her as that. When I said it, I wasn't quite sure it fit, or she would find it complimentary. But it seems like she does, and it had the desired effect and meaning, as she picked up on the unique, rare, priceless, and magical essences I had meant it to mean. Again, it seems like we really connect on all levels. Who else would have taken it so perfectly? I sure don't know.
We are meeting tonight at Unlimited Coffee, and I can't wait to see her again. I just know I am going to fall even harder by seeing her again, but I am just going to approach it with a "go with it" type attitude, and let the spirit guide me. And by that, I mean the spirit of love. I was thinking last night that if there is such thing as "love at first sight," I think I either experienced it, or something very close, with Barbara. And I have only grown more attracted to her as we have gotten to know each other better. I asked her via text one day if she found me physically attractive, and she said she did - she mentioned that I looked like I was in good shape, and that she liked to stay in good shape too, that it would be fun to do stuff like hike together. Dude, I would hike to Mt Everest, all the way to the top, and carry her back down for this woman! Ha ha!
Sounds like I am in BIG trouble, hunh? Lord I sure hope so! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Back to reality - kinda'
Today was "the day after"; the day after I met a woman that took my breath away; the day after we talked and texted frequently exchanging thoughts and feelings; the day after we texted into the night - 2 in the morning to be exact; and the day after I actually sent this woman, whom I had just met that morning, an actual piece of myself - the entire blog entry, unedited. I am almost a little disappointed in myself, as I know that was something that any sane, rational person would STRONGLY advise against. But I did it - it's done.
And I guess that about sums up what has been happening the last 2 days : I feel like I have lost my mind. I have felt almost as if I was tweaking, full of anxiety, short of breath, confused. Then today - the comedown. The realization that I did something that probably was silly, if not downright stupid. It was interesting how it all went down, as it seemed that when I started to wax romantic, Barbara would bring me back to the "let's just go for friends first" thing. Yet, she asked to see the blog entry - even when I told her that it would be WAY beyond the 'friendly' boundary. And, who am I to deny a beautiful - truly beautiful woman - her request, even if at my own great peril.
She said she was going to write something herself before she read mine and that she would send it to me. We touched bases this morning, she had gone to church, and then napped for a great portion of the afternoon. So as of now, I haven't received anything from her. I am trying to tell myself "it's ok", and in reality, it is ok. But I would be lying to say that I am not a little concerned that I have really opened up a gaping hole in my "defense" and she may not feel the same way I do. She might think I am totally obsessive and codependent. She may not even be attracted to me. Ok - so I just texted her and asked her if she found me physically attractive at all, and she said yes. So at least I got that one! Lol.
I feel like I am coming down.. the dreaded "day after." My mind has raced and writhed, pondered and dreamed, wished and worried. Now, I am spent, and looking forward to going to bed soon. I don't really know what will come of this, but I know that I sure have felt like I have been a little crazy. I guess just a little is ok though, right? That's what I'm telling myself anyway : )
And I guess that about sums up what has been happening the last 2 days : I feel like I have lost my mind. I have felt almost as if I was tweaking, full of anxiety, short of breath, confused. Then today - the comedown. The realization that I did something that probably was silly, if not downright stupid. It was interesting how it all went down, as it seemed that when I started to wax romantic, Barbara would bring me back to the "let's just go for friends first" thing. Yet, she asked to see the blog entry - even when I told her that it would be WAY beyond the 'friendly' boundary. And, who am I to deny a beautiful - truly beautiful woman - her request, even if at my own great peril.
She said she was going to write something herself before she read mine and that she would send it to me. We touched bases this morning, she had gone to church, and then napped for a great portion of the afternoon. So as of now, I haven't received anything from her. I am trying to tell myself "it's ok", and in reality, it is ok. But I would be lying to say that I am not a little concerned that I have really opened up a gaping hole in my "defense" and she may not feel the same way I do. She might think I am totally obsessive and codependent. She may not even be attracted to me. Ok - so I just texted her and asked her if she found me physically attractive at all, and she said yes. So at least I got that one! Lol.
I feel like I am coming down.. the dreaded "day after." My mind has raced and writhed, pondered and dreamed, wished and worried. Now, I am spent, and looking forward to going to bed soon. I don't really know what will come of this, but I know that I sure have felt like I have been a little crazy. I guess just a little is ok though, right? That's what I'm telling myself anyway : )
Oh boy is right.... Or, I'm really just dreaming, right?
Ok - so let me start off by saying that I am not sure whether I actually believe that any of what I am about to type is actually possible, nor that it really happened. I am merely going to describe an experience I had this morning - one that is continuing through text messages as I write this, and leave it to the reader to decide whether it is true or not.
I have been emailing back and forth with Barbara this week, and we ended up making a plan to meet for coffee this morning. Although we had planned to meet at a coffeeshop, she texted this morning to say that she had sent an email about a change in plans, and I immediately thought she was probably going to cancel. To my complete surprise, it said instead that she left her purse in a friend's car the night before, and that, if I wanted, I could come pick her up and give her a ride to get it - either that, or we would have to meet later. Well, I was pretty anxious to meet her, so I agreed to go pick her up close to where she lives.
Now she had told me that men were often intimidated by her, so I naturally assumed she was very pretty. But when I stopped to pick her up, and she jumped in the truck, I realized that this woman was downright BEAUTIFUL, and obviously WAY out of my league. I figured she would be pretty unimpressed with me, was used to dating CEO's and lawyers and such, and that she would probably humor me for an hour if I was lucky. So imagine how shocked - and I mean SHOCKED - I was when we got to the coffeeshop (we had decided we would stop there for coffee first, then go get her purse) and proceeded to talk... and talk... and talk some more. About life. About sprituality. About self awareness. About meditation. About quantum physics. About relationships. About.... Wow. I think you get the picture. Oh, and did I mention that this woman is beautiful? I mean drop dead gorgeous, with a fantastic body, beautiful hands and feet, breathtaking face, she's got it all - and a bag of chips like this man has never seen!
We talked for a good 2 and a half to 3 hours, and it was mesmerizing - she was mesmerizing. Best of all, she was nothing like I thought she would be : not the stuck up Scottsdale type at all. She was humble, gracious, interested, approachable, intriguing. Beautiful. My dream woman incarnate. Everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Sitting there, right in front of me. Talking to me. Listening to me. Interested in me.... And then, I woke up - right?
One would think so (who knows - it could still happen I guess! But it hasn't yet) And when I dropped her off, some of the first words I said to myself were "I am going to marry this woman" and my thoughts were that I have found a woman that I will dedicate my life to winning the heart of. I don't think I have ever felt this way - this strongly - about any woman ever before in my life. The closest would be Ty, when we first got together almost 20 years ago. But I was not sober then, and not capable of feeling on the same level I am now. So this is different - stronger, more palpable.
And now she texted me saying she wants me to send this entry to her - yikes! Oh man, talk about scared... Well, I guess I have nothing to lose, right? If she reads it, and it freaks her out, well, then it freaks her out. If she runs away screaming, thinking I am like totally obsessive or codependent, then she does. I can't help the way I feel. And BELIEVE me - this is NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN - meet some woman, and go gaga for her right off the bat! I mean, for one, I have been doing really well on the "take it slow" stuff, and this definitely does not fit into that modality. And the whole "love at first sight" or first meeting, that stuff is for the movies! So what do I do with this?
Well, best I can figure is to let it ride and see what happens. Now that she is going to read this, at least I can know that it is out there, and won't have to wonder how she would feel if she knew. She has intimated that she already knows, but I am not quite sure if she knows the depth and purity of the feeling. She will now! And to her, I say this : I am going to do everything in my power to win your heart. I will take it slow, and we will build a friendship first. We will be patient, and not rush into anything. And it's ok if you don't feel this strongly about me. In fact, it's probably very healthy - I am a bit whacko right now! Lol! But know this - I write this in all sincerity, and it is not something that I do all the time. In fact, not sure that I have ever felt this way before. And to be honest, it is a little frightening, unsettling, exciting, intriguing and dreamy all at the same time. Wow...
And I just pinched myself. It hurt, and I didn't wake up. And if this be the dream that is to be, then I shall wish that I don't wake until your heart and mine are one... <3
I have been emailing back and forth with Barbara this week, and we ended up making a plan to meet for coffee this morning. Although we had planned to meet at a coffeeshop, she texted this morning to say that she had sent an email about a change in plans, and I immediately thought she was probably going to cancel. To my complete surprise, it said instead that she left her purse in a friend's car the night before, and that, if I wanted, I could come pick her up and give her a ride to get it - either that, or we would have to meet later. Well, I was pretty anxious to meet her, so I agreed to go pick her up close to where she lives.
Now she had told me that men were often intimidated by her, so I naturally assumed she was very pretty. But when I stopped to pick her up, and she jumped in the truck, I realized that this woman was downright BEAUTIFUL, and obviously WAY out of my league. I figured she would be pretty unimpressed with me, was used to dating CEO's and lawyers and such, and that she would probably humor me for an hour if I was lucky. So imagine how shocked - and I mean SHOCKED - I was when we got to the coffeeshop (we had decided we would stop there for coffee first, then go get her purse) and proceeded to talk... and talk... and talk some more. About life. About sprituality. About self awareness. About meditation. About quantum physics. About relationships. About.... Wow. I think you get the picture. Oh, and did I mention that this woman is beautiful? I mean drop dead gorgeous, with a fantastic body, beautiful hands and feet, breathtaking face, she's got it all - and a bag of chips like this man has never seen!
We talked for a good 2 and a half to 3 hours, and it was mesmerizing - she was mesmerizing. Best of all, she was nothing like I thought she would be : not the stuck up Scottsdale type at all. She was humble, gracious, interested, approachable, intriguing. Beautiful. My dream woman incarnate. Everything I have ever wanted in a woman. Sitting there, right in front of me. Talking to me. Listening to me. Interested in me.... And then, I woke up - right?
One would think so (who knows - it could still happen I guess! But it hasn't yet) And when I dropped her off, some of the first words I said to myself were "I am going to marry this woman" and my thoughts were that I have found a woman that I will dedicate my life to winning the heart of. I don't think I have ever felt this way - this strongly - about any woman ever before in my life. The closest would be Ty, when we first got together almost 20 years ago. But I was not sober then, and not capable of feeling on the same level I am now. So this is different - stronger, more palpable.
And now she texted me saying she wants me to send this entry to her - yikes! Oh man, talk about scared... Well, I guess I have nothing to lose, right? If she reads it, and it freaks her out, well, then it freaks her out. If she runs away screaming, thinking I am like totally obsessive or codependent, then she does. I can't help the way I feel. And BELIEVE me - this is NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN - meet some woman, and go gaga for her right off the bat! I mean, for one, I have been doing really well on the "take it slow" stuff, and this definitely does not fit into that modality. And the whole "love at first sight" or first meeting, that stuff is for the movies! So what do I do with this?
Well, best I can figure is to let it ride and see what happens. Now that she is going to read this, at least I can know that it is out there, and won't have to wonder how she would feel if she knew. She has intimated that she already knows, but I am not quite sure if she knows the depth and purity of the feeling. She will now! And to her, I say this : I am going to do everything in my power to win your heart. I will take it slow, and we will build a friendship first. We will be patient, and not rush into anything. And it's ok if you don't feel this strongly about me. In fact, it's probably very healthy - I am a bit whacko right now! Lol! But know this - I write this in all sincerity, and it is not something that I do all the time. In fact, not sure that I have ever felt this way before. And to be honest, it is a little frightening, unsettling, exciting, intriguing and dreamy all at the same time. Wow...
And I just pinched myself. It hurt, and I didn't wake up. And if this be the dream that is to be, then I shall wish that I don't wake until your heart and mine are one... <3
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Oh Boy....
Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.
Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.
The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.
Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?
Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.
I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!
Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.
The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.
Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?
Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.
I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Big Weekend
This weekend was a big weekend : Patricia and I stayed at the Hyatt off of I-17 and spent the night together for the first time. We finally got to explore our passionate desires to their logical ends, and it was a very pleasant experience indeed. I had a very nice time with her, and I am very pleased at just how easy it is to be around her and how calm and relaxed I feel with her. The sex was good too, and I am fairly certain she enjoyed it quite a bit as well! Lol.
It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.
Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.
I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.
The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!
So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )
It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.
Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.
I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.
The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!
So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction
With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.
But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.
As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.
So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!
So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!
I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!
I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )
But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.
As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.
So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!
So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!
I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!
I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )
Monday, July 26, 2010
We are the Beautiful People
That is a realization I came to in the time since that last posting. We are the beautiful people. I just needed to remind myself what true beauty is all about, and how shallow and unsatisfactory it is to base determinations of beauty solely on physical appearance. And along those lines, I realized something else this weekend : that Patricia really is beautiful, and her awesome personality and inherent sexiness make her even moreso. She has so many of the "little" qualities I have been wanting in a woman : she wears g-strings (HOT ones, too), she likes to send naighty pictures (in fact, she sent the first one), she smells good all the time, no facial hair (already mentioned, but worth noting again) - I mean, there are just so many intangibles that are spot on with her. And that's not even to mention all of the totally obvious things, which fit as well.
We got together a number of times over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and had a great time each and every one. She even came to watch me bowl Sunday night, and we had a pretty hot makeout session afterwards in the back seat of my truck - it TOTALLY reminded me of being in high school! Lol! She said it did her too. And even though she is not necessarily petite, she does have a nice, curvy figure. And she has mentioned a few times herself that she is not really where she wants to be as far as her bod is concerned yet, and that she is still working on it - yet another area we match up well in, as it is important to me that any partner I have take their health and body image seriously and work to improve/maintain it. She has some GREAT breasts, some nice legs, and great skin. Yummy!
I find myself thinking more and more that I can see myself being with her for awhile and us getting more and more connected as the relationship grows and deepens. I really think she might be someone to build a healthy, long term relationship with. We are supposed to go camping together on the weekend of August 27th, and I am thinking that will provide a real litmus test for the relationship, as we really haven't spent more than 2 or 3 hours at a time together yet. Something tells me it will go great though.
I know one thing : I was concerned after Tina that I might never have as good a sex as I had with her ever again. But if the intensity with which she turns me on is any indication of how the sex will be with her, I think that sex with Patricia may well be even better, hard as something like that was to believe at one time! She really, REALLY turns me on, and she has already stated her desire and willingness to please me, and to fulfill fantasies. Oh my - I am going full mast just thinking about it! How could the actual sex not be fantastic?
And all of that would be just talk, non-important jabber, if not for the fact that she is a total sweetheart, funny, intelligent, hard-working, a good parent, has similar parenting philosophy, etc. She really is the whole package. Of course, I am still trying to take it relatively slow - no over declarations of my undying love, and no actual sex yet. Although, if we had REALLY wanted to, we probably could have done the deed already. But why rush it? I like that we are taking it (relatively) easy, and that we are getting to know each other very well first. I guess none of us really know what the future holds. But if I had to guess, I would say that 3 months from now, we will still be dating, and things will have progressed to a whole new level. Only time will tell, and I enjoying it as it comes : )
We got together a number of times over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and had a great time each and every one. She even came to watch me bowl Sunday night, and we had a pretty hot makeout session afterwards in the back seat of my truck - it TOTALLY reminded me of being in high school! Lol! She said it did her too. And even though she is not necessarily petite, she does have a nice, curvy figure. And she has mentioned a few times herself that she is not really where she wants to be as far as her bod is concerned yet, and that she is still working on it - yet another area we match up well in, as it is important to me that any partner I have take their health and body image seriously and work to improve/maintain it. She has some GREAT breasts, some nice legs, and great skin. Yummy!
I find myself thinking more and more that I can see myself being with her for awhile and us getting more and more connected as the relationship grows and deepens. I really think she might be someone to build a healthy, long term relationship with. We are supposed to go camping together on the weekend of August 27th, and I am thinking that will provide a real litmus test for the relationship, as we really haven't spent more than 2 or 3 hours at a time together yet. Something tells me it will go great though.
I know one thing : I was concerned after Tina that I might never have as good a sex as I had with her ever again. But if the intensity with which she turns me on is any indication of how the sex will be with her, I think that sex with Patricia may well be even better, hard as something like that was to believe at one time! She really, REALLY turns me on, and she has already stated her desire and willingness to please me, and to fulfill fantasies. Oh my - I am going full mast just thinking about it! How could the actual sex not be fantastic?
And all of that would be just talk, non-important jabber, if not for the fact that she is a total sweetheart, funny, intelligent, hard-working, a good parent, has similar parenting philosophy, etc. She really is the whole package. Of course, I am still trying to take it relatively slow - no over declarations of my undying love, and no actual sex yet. Although, if we had REALLY wanted to, we probably could have done the deed already. But why rush it? I like that we are taking it (relatively) easy, and that we are getting to know each other very well first. I guess none of us really know what the future holds. But if I had to guess, I would say that 3 months from now, we will still be dating, and things will have progressed to a whole new level. Only time will tell, and I enjoying it as it comes : )
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