The Beautiful People

So I have been thinking about dating Patricia, and a strange thought popped into my head - I wondered what it would be like to take her to Mike and Teri's for some holiday or other occasion - how that would feel? I thought about the fact that Marshal and Kristina are both great looking people, Mikey and his fiance' Tina are both pretty good looking - but what about Patricia and I? And then I thought further about Marshal and Kristina, and how all their friends (e.g. Brent and Alex) seem to be "the beautiful people". You know - the guys that every girl wanted to date in high school, and the girls that every guy wanted to date. It seems like every time I see pictures of some of their friends (and them), I can't help but think they are the beautiful people, and how could I bring someone - including myself - around to events with them, when we aren't beautiful?

Now I am almost certain that they, Marshal and Kristina, don't think of themselves that way way. And I am even more certain that Mike and Teri don't think that way. So the question is - why do I think that way? Why do I feel this pressure to "measure up," to prove myself as 'worthy' by bringing some gorgeous woman to their functions? I mean, even when I brought Tina, I didn't think that she was good enough - although Danny seemed to think she was pretty, and enjoyed flirting with her! Lol. I am really stuck on this as of late. Why can't I, or don't I, attract "the beautiful people?" The obvious answer is that I am not one of them. And I guess that is what I am grappling with - accepting who and what I am, and accepting life on life's terms.

I am not really sure what to think about all this. I know one thing for sure - it will make for some great work material at my next session with Diana! And I know that in the final analysis, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, and all this talk about who is beautiful and who is not is being filtered through my judgement, and the verdicts issued are very subjective - not objective at all. And I am trying to keep that in mind as I work through this. I mean, if we were all blind, who could really say who was beautiful and who wasn't, right? It would be based on something other than physical appearance entirely, and in that case, maybe even I would be one of the "beautiful people."

The Beast of Materialism

Rather than start off with a recap of the weekend, which was very nice, I want to share a little bit about what is going on in my head this morning - hence the title of this post. Things have been going very well with Pattie - she is sweet, cute, polite, intelligent, well-groomed - she really is a great match for me. Yet this morning, I find myself asking the familiar old question : "What if I find someone hotter?" I think what spurred it was dropping Tessi off at her friend Genesys' house. Gen's mom is very cute, and sometimes when I see her, I wonder 'why couldn't I attract someone like that?' Or maybe more appropriately, 'could I attract someone like that?' And this usually begins a spiral of going back through the women I've dated, and "checking" to see if any of them were actually 'gorgeous' or not.

Now, I'm not really sure why that is important - I am thinking that there is some part inside of me that needs to know that I too have dated gorgeous women. It almost feels like a competitive thing, like I need the other males to know that I am not "less than" simply because the women I date, or have dated, aren't as hot as the ones they have/are. It can become obsessive, to the point that I can't stop thinking and wondering about it. Fortunately, this time, that doesn't seem to be the case. The "Beast of Materialism" seems to be caged pretty well.

And so I find myself thinking about Pattie, and how sweet she is, and I wonder if I can finally get past this hangup I have about physical beauty. It's not like she isn't pretty, because she is. She is curvy, but not what I would consider "fat" by any standards. As I said, she is very well groomed, and always smells and looks nice. She is funny, thoughtful and communicative. So she really is all the things I have wanted in a partner. In fact, as I write this, I find myself more at ease, and can sense the beast retreating somewhat.

I try to remind myself also that we are not married or anything. We have just started dating, and if by some miracle Sarah Silverman (I have a big crush on her! Lol) were to come up and say "I must have you!" I would still be free and able to engage her desire! Ha ha! So there is no need to even get all worked up really. I can simply take my time, be patient, not move too quickly, and let things develop - imagine that!!! I don't need to rush into - or for that matter, away from - anything. I can just enjoy this dating phase. Lord knows, she is fun to go out with, so why wreck it with a bunch of serious stuff off the bat? I can make a different choice today. I can soothe the savage beast with the music of patience and take it slow and easy today... Thank God for the gift of learning :)

The dish on the first date

Last night was the big "first date" with Pattie, and it went very well. When I first met her at Carraba's, I was a little taken aback, as she was wearing a dress, and it did seem as though she was a little thicker in the middle than I might have imagined her. But she looked pretty, has great calves and feet (GREAT feet, very sexy), so I basically just forgot about that and decided to enjoy the date and not focus on that part. And I am glad I did, because we had a really nice time. We ate dinner and then decided to go to Starbucks for dessert. She is not a coffee drinker, but said she could do a hot chocolate.

When we got to Starbucks and I saw her walking up to me (we took separate vehicles) I realized that she has some very sexy legs - she was wearing heels, and they made both her legs and feet look great. So I rethought my position, and realized that I don't need to filter my view of someone through society's view of what is sexy and what is not, or even my own distorted view for that matter : I can look at her with new eyes, and see her for her, and not for what I judge her to be. To my amazement, that actually worked, and I saw her as beautiful (and not like she isn't or something, because she is - it's just my anal-retentive perfectionist ideas that kept from seeing that before) and really, really wanted her.

We sat close and held hands, visiting about stuff for about an hour at the coffeeshop. Then it was time for me to get home to the kiddos. I walked to her car/minivan, and we kissed - and man was it a passionate kiss! It was very nice, and at times, she was so passionate and forceful about it, I thought she was going to literally crawl inside me! Lol! I can say that there was no doubt that she liked me A LOT, and wanted me too. And she has great skin - so soft and supple, I swear it's like that of a 16 year old. And she felt good in my arms - not like I was hugging some "big" woman or anything - not at all.

So I have decided to continue seeing her and see where things go. She is so much fun to talk to/chat with, and I am genuinely attracted to her. I was thinking last night on the way home that the whole situation reminded me somewhat of that movie "Shallow Hal", not that she is nearly as big as the lady in that was. But in the manner in which she seemed to get even prettier and prettier to me as the night went on - and I wasn't even drinking! Lol! It's sounding like we are going to see each other again tomorrow night, and I am happy. I am not all madly-in-love, over the top, obsessed, crazy for her - - and that is GOOD. It is healthy, and for that and several other reasons, I am very grateful and happy. I am learning to love just like I am trying to live - one day at a time :)

First "real" date

I read my title from my last post and it made me laugh. I am definitely still digging Pattie, and in fact, moreso every day. She is a total sweetheart, and very flirtatious/romantic, which I am a TOTAL sucker for, being the romantic that I am. I was thinking to myself this morning that as much as I have promised myself I wouldn't, and as badly as it has turned out in the past, I feel that I am really wanting to jump head first into something serious with this girl. In fact, I was thinking of basically telling her that tonight.

That is, of course, if I can bring myself to break my own rules, and go against everything I have driving into my own head for the last year or 2! Ha ha! It's just that I was thinking this morning, and I was going through the different "categories" I have for a match - mental, physical, spiritual, and the ineffable ones (like the ones I listed aren't, right?) like how much she makes me laugh, what kind of personality she has, how romantic she is - and it seems that she scores very well in all of the categories I have. Of course, I have been wondering if I will be as attracted to her physically when I see her tonight, as it was a little hard to get a good read on her bod the last time we met. Although, as I said before, she definitely has some nice breasts workin', no real facial hair, no noticeable double chin, and definitely no cankles! LMAO! Oh gosh, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Like I am shallow or something. I tend to just think of it as preferences though - what I like/don't care for in a romantic partner.

So, given the great hooters (wow, classy! Did I just write that??? Lol), the hairless face, the nice nails, and the AWESOME personality, I guess it doesn't really matter much just how she looks in the middle, ya' know? She did say that her mom and sister have struggled with their weights, and that she has taken precautions to make sure she doesn't fall into that category. So I know she is conscious about, and takes an active interest in maintaining her weight, so.....

Anyway, we met at Jamba Juice last weekend, and tonight is our first "real" date. It was actually set up for tomorrow night, but SHE texted yesterday, and asked me if I wanted to try to make it for Thursday (today) instead. Now how could I not like that? A woman who is actually as anxious as I am to see each other again! Awesome. And we have been having a blast kidding back and forth through texts and emails about everything from her getting out of the shower, and the naughty thoughts it gives me, to whether or not her friend Cheryl will approve of me, and what we are doing for our date. It has been, like I always thought - and hoped - it would be - romantic, flirty, and whole lot of fun! : )

I guess tonight will be somewhat of a "defining moment" in our very young relationship - it should probably serve to more clearly expose our feelings for each other and whether or not we want to pursue something more serious. I have a feeling about this woman, I really do. But I am trying to maintain my perspective and not get too excited or worked up. I want to just take it easy and see where it goes. Ok - that's not true : what I REALLY want to do is take her in my arms, say that I think I am falling in love with her, sweep her off her feet, and live happily ever after. BUT, seeing as how I have some unrealistic, codependent and idealistic tendencies, I am opting for the 'relax and see how it goes' approach instead! Lol! More tomorrow.....

Diggin' this chick

Ok, granted - not the most politically correct title ever. But I think it best captures how I am feeling about Pattie at this point. We chatted again last night, and - as usual - she cracked me up, lightened my mood, was flirty, and left me happy. I really, really like communicating with her. We just seem to "click". And best of all, I think she feels the same way. I guess that really is what it is all about, the whole 'online dating' thang : finding someone you 'click' with. I can't say for sure that things will work into some wonderful long term relationship between us. But I can say this is, by far, the most promising situation I have been in in a long, long time.

In other news, I think we FINALLY got the g*dd@mn m*th#rf)ck!n UDC issues all resolved - PRAISE GOD!!!! Lol. I was starting to think that I had entered some infinite loop, with no exit condition on that whole deal! Of course, it didn't help that Traci totally hosed the permissions requirements and provided the wrong info to go off of. Oh well - all's well that ends well. And I learned something : don't give that woman an inch, and make sure to CYA at ALL TIMES. I will make sure that any time I work with her in the future that all of the requirements are CLEARLY understood, and I will not move forward until I am confident that everyone is clear and on the same page. And, if I think it necessary, I will request a meeting with the customer - whether she likes it or not. Yep - I learn from mistakes now. I only hope she does too.

Let's see.. what else. Nothing really too interesting. Tessi came home last night for who knows how long this time. I have my first 'real' date with Pattie this Friday, and I think I am going to suggest Carraba's for dinner. They have a nice atmosphere, and great food. I will see if that sounds good to her. I really can't wait to see her again. : )

Called it spot on

I was just reading over my last entry from Friday I think (?) and it turns out I was spot-on about Marj. In fact, as of this morning, she still has not written me back. I did finally text her on Saturday, and she said she would write Sat night or Sunday. But it's actually ok - in fact, it's great. Why? Well, because it turns out I was spot-on (wow, 2 in a row?! Really? What the!!! Lol) about another thing - the meeting with Patricia, and how if she looked anything like she did in the pic on POF that I would probably be attracted to her. Well, she did, a bit better even, and I was - even moreso after we talked for awhile.

Now at this point, after having sung praises over a number of women I have met (Michelle, Wendy, Marj...) only to have nothing come of those situations, I am a little hesitant to do it once again. But I honestly think this time might be different, and so I am going to "sing the praises of Patricia", hesitant though I may be! Lol. For starters, physically speaking, she is almost EXACTLY what I wanted on my 'wish list' of perfect attributes : red hair (a dark red, almost auburn, down her back a bit); VERY well endowed; shorter than me (by a good bit too - I think she is like 5'2"); very little, if any, facial hair; nicely manicured nails (and makeup, feminine for sure; nice, lady-like hands. I mean, if I really think about it, physically speaking, she is my dream girl. When I first saw her, I thought she might be a bit heavy, as she seems to have a bit of a stocky build. And based on what she was wearning (purple, loose-fitting blouse, and white skorts I think...?), it was a little hard to tell completely. But her face doesn't look that way, neither do her legs. So I really don't think she is.

And when it came to chatting, I absolutely love her personality! She is blunt, straight-forward (right after we first met at Jamba Juice, she said "So, first impressions?" Lol), sassy, a bit sarcastic, charming, intelligent, has good common sense, is passionate, engaging, and makes me laugh. I would say that of all the women I have met through any/all of the online dating sites, her personality is definitely the most attractive of all, and the one that has engaged me the most. I like the fact too that she seems to be romantic as well, and is a communicator like me - she has sent nice little texts and emails, which I just love. So, it seems like we definitely have some chemistry working. And - and this is crucial - she feels the same amount of attraction to me - at least I am almost certain she does anyway. We have our first real "date" this Friday night, and I am really looking forward to it....

Look out for that bus! and other observations

Yep - look out for that bus indeed. I was officially thrown under it this week by Traci, right in front of Al, as she tried to blame me for "changing" an AD group in the middle of the project, causing the permissions not to work. Funny thing though - I had a printed copy of an email, that she was copied on, verifying the change as requested by the CUSTOMER. So yeah, her little attempt to run over me didn't work out too well. And when she tried to press me for why I had changed it in front of Al, he basically said 'let's just forget about that and focus on the solution' or something to that effect. It was really cool to see him be in my corner, and basically shut her down. She has been so devious during this entire project, and especially so as it has rolled into production. She basically messed up big time and dropped the ball on a major user requirement and was trying to blame me. But she didn't know that I failed recess, cuz I don't play!!! Ha ha!

In other news, I didn't hear back from Marj until this morning (she sent an email at about 1am this morning) and she said that her son has a bday party for his son so she isn't sure about doing dinner this weekend. She mentioned that she probably could Monday night but that she wouldn't be able to stay out too late. I have been trying to keep in mind my unrealistic communication expectations, but I can't help feeling she is being a little hesitant and backstepping a bit. So I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I am attracted to her, but if she doesn't feel the same about me, it's ok, and I would rather just know now. I don't want another Wendy situation where we are just 'hanging out' when she isn't even attracted to me. I am looking for a romantic partner - not another activity buddy. She hasn't replied yet, and probably won't til late tonight or tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - I am finally going to meet the redhead I have been communicating with - Patricia - at Jamba Juice at 2 tomorrow. Her picture on POF induced quite a "recation" in me, and if she looks anything like she does in the picture, chances are I will be attracted to her. She seems sweet in her emails, reminds me a bit of Michelle. So I guess we'll see what happens. I like Marj, and she seemed to have some availablity for a relationship when we met. But now that she seems to be backpedalling, I'm ot so sure. I am basically just taking this all with an open mind, a positive "have fun" attitude, and playing the numbers game like Diana has suggested all this time. It has become apparent to me that I don't need to look at each and every meeting as "my only chance" - that many more will present themselves, and I can take my time and enjoy the process of meeting different people. Yeah - I can do that today. I really can! Yippeee!

I am speaking tonight at my new Monday night homegroup at 6pm and that should be cool. I haven't spoken at a meeting in a very long time. I am a little concerned, as it is an AA meeting, and a lot of my experience deals with drugs. But I have noticed at this group that they are much more open to that side of things, and don't seem to have an issue with people sharing about that. At least not like at my Friday night meeting, which is fantastic by the way, and at which NO ONE can share about anything but alcohol - it is expressly forbidden. Right after speaking, I will try to catch what I can of my Friday night homegroup meeting, and then the regular meeting. It will be an AA night fo-shizzle! And I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night. Well, maybe I can think of ONE way!! Ha ha ha! Grateful to be happy, healthy and sober today... that's me : )