Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post - hard to believe! I guess that must mean there hasn't been a whole lot of suffering, eh? T Come to think of it, there really hasn't. I have not seen mom since the last post, and that probably has someting to do with it. We got the signed court order back from the judge the very next week after we filed it (Jan. 6th, I think) and Galen has been back with Sam ever since. Tessi went over there and stayed for a week, and then went again this week, so I have had some great time to relax and take care of myself. A great example of that is the massage I have scheduled at Massage Envy tonight. I can't wait! I am thinking I am going to have to change the name of this blog to reflect the changes in my life. I am not quite sure what I will name it now, perhaps something about "the path."
In other news, I have continued my workout regimen and actually dropped a few pounds down to 169. I have started taking glucosamine to assist with joint comfort, and have started doing crunched and jackknifes every night before bed to accelerate the 'spare tire removal' process! I got a new sponsor at my Friday night Big Book meeting, a guy named Richard Renshaw, and he seems pretty cool. He told me that he suffered from bipolar disorder, so I think he may be better suited to sponsoring someone who suffers from depression. I met another guy, named Jim, who I have gotten to be pretty good buds with. He too is into Buddhism, and recently celebrated 14 years sober. It is nice to have some new people in my life who can relate to more than just the alcoholic/addict part.
Work has been going pretty good too. I was really slow in December, but it looks like things are picking up again. I have been working on being more patient, and trying to remember that not everyone else moves at the same rate I do - and that is ok. In particular, I have had some challenges relating to, and working with, Jamie, but I actually talked to Diana about that today at my appt with her, and she gave me some great suggestions and ideas, as always. Turns out he is most likely a number 9 on the Enneagram, while I am a number 6. At first, I kinda thought the whole Enneagram thing was pretty hokey, but the more and more I see how well some people fit the characteristics of the different types (today, Diana described Jamie TO A T when describing a number 9) the more I believe that it has some truth to it.
I am still single, and while I am not actively looking, I am open to the prospet of something happening. I have noticed women looking/smiling at me much more lately, and I am fairly certain that the working out, and the increased sense of confidence it brings, has a lot to do with that. So we'll see what happens. Lord knows that I am really working on improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. So, if I do end up attracting someone, if anything, she will probably (hopefully) be a little better adjusted, and a bit more like what I really am looking for - like I even know what that is! Ha ha! Things are going very well, and I am very thankful for that.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Update on the "mom" situation
After mom's little surprise last week. I decided to do what it takes to get the changes made to the court order so the kids could see Sam again. I went down to the Superior Court (think I mentioned that in my last post) and found out that a person can actually file a modification to a court order on their own. They have packets available for sale for $15, or they told me I could download the from the Internet for free. So this last weekend, I did just that - downloaded all the forms and spent most of Sunday filling them all out.
Yesterday, Sam met me down there, and we got all of the necessary forms files. hopefully, by next week, we will get some kind of decree so we can know that we are out of the woods for good - at least on this issue. I have to mention that I have been very impressed with Sam lately, and I really hope she stays sober. She has been very responsible, and we have been able to work together to get stuff done, which is very nice for a change. She is still hesitant about having the kids over until we know that results of the order we filed, and I can't blame her.
On a related note, Galen told me that he would actually like to come spend the next 4 or 5 days at home. I thought he must have some sort of hidden agenda, as he has been very cold to me lately. So I called him on it, and asked him why he REALLY wanted to come over. He said the he had made some bad decisions, and that he honestly wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him that was agood enough for me, so he will be coming back with Tessi tonight to stay for awhile. I am still a little suspicious of his true motives, but I hope he proves me wrong.
I haven't heard anything from mom, although LoraLei did call Marshal last weekend (through Mom's manipulation, I'm sure) and told him that mom was suicidal and wasn't doing well. Marsh called me to see what I thought, and I told him that I didn't trust mom, that it was probably a manipulation of hers, and that I wasn't going to do anything. He decided to call her, and from what he told me after, he was left thinking that I was probably right - that it was just a manipulation technique of mom's. She ended up hanging up on him (surprise, right?).
I am basically done with her for some time. It is horrible - so horrible - to say, but I was actually thinking that if she offed herself, it might be the best thing for everyone, including her. She is just so jaded, spiteful, angry and fearful that I can't imagine she enjoys life very much. And I know that the misery she causes everyone else would not be missed. I would feel horrible if she ever read this, but like she always says - you gotta' call a spade a spade.
We still managed to have a very nice Christmas however. Tess and I went over to Marshal and Kristina's and had a great time with them and Q. Tess and I went to see Avatar in IMAX 3D Christmas day, and it was awesome. Actually, one of the more relaxing holidays I've had in a long time.
I pray for my mom - that she gets some real help. Supposedly she is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA every Monday, but I have no faith that she will stick with it long enough to experience any true healing. We'll see though. Maybe we will all have a miracle, and she will finally do the one thing she has always avoided - take a long, hard look at herself, and take some time to deal with HER issues instead of everyone else's. Please Lord, let it be....
Yesterday, Sam met me down there, and we got all of the necessary forms files. hopefully, by next week, we will get some kind of decree so we can know that we are out of the woods for good - at least on this issue. I have to mention that I have been very impressed with Sam lately, and I really hope she stays sober. She has been very responsible, and we have been able to work together to get stuff done, which is very nice for a change. She is still hesitant about having the kids over until we know that results of the order we filed, and I can't blame her.
On a related note, Galen told me that he would actually like to come spend the next 4 or 5 days at home. I thought he must have some sort of hidden agenda, as he has been very cold to me lately. So I called him on it, and asked him why he REALLY wanted to come over. He said the he had made some bad decisions, and that he honestly wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him that was agood enough for me, so he will be coming back with Tessi tonight to stay for awhile. I am still a little suspicious of his true motives, but I hope he proves me wrong.
I haven't heard anything from mom, although LoraLei did call Marshal last weekend (through Mom's manipulation, I'm sure) and told him that mom was suicidal and wasn't doing well. Marsh called me to see what I thought, and I told him that I didn't trust mom, that it was probably a manipulation of hers, and that I wasn't going to do anything. He decided to call her, and from what he told me after, he was left thinking that I was probably right - that it was just a manipulation technique of mom's. She ended up hanging up on him (surprise, right?).
I am basically done with her for some time. It is horrible - so horrible - to say, but I was actually thinking that if she offed herself, it might be the best thing for everyone, including her. She is just so jaded, spiteful, angry and fearful that I can't imagine she enjoys life very much. And I know that the misery she causes everyone else would not be missed. I would feel horrible if she ever read this, but like she always says - you gotta' call a spade a spade.
We still managed to have a very nice Christmas however. Tess and I went over to Marshal and Kristina's and had a great time with them and Q. Tess and I went to see Avatar in IMAX 3D Christmas day, and it was awesome. Actually, one of the more relaxing holidays I've had in a long time.
I pray for my mom - that she gets some real help. Supposedly she is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA every Monday, but I have no faith that she will stick with it long enough to experience any true healing. We'll see though. Maybe we will all have a miracle, and she will finally do the one thing she has always avoided - take a long, hard look at herself, and take some time to deal with HER issues instead of everyone else's. Please Lord, let it be....
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The return of Wandy
I guess it would be asking too much to think that we could actually have 2 good holidays in a row, and sure enough, mom decided to snap this last weekend and almost completely ruin Christmas for me and the kids. She has been freaking over the kids seeing Sam again - not so much Galen living over there, as she is still angry with him. But she has been outraged over the fact that I have been letting Tessi see her mom, and this weekend, she decided that if she couldn't control me, and make me do what she wanted, that she would take matters into her own hands.
So yesterday, after she basically threatened me the night before with calling CPS on me to report that I was in violation of a court order by allowing the kids to go over there, I decided to head down to Superior Court and see what I needed to do to cover my own butt in case she actually called CPS. While I was on the way to the court, Sam called and told me that indeed, someone had called and reported it to CPS, and that the kids could not spend any time with her until we got the court order modified. So that meant that not only could Tessi not see her mom for Christmas now, which she had really been looking forward to, it also meant that Galen could not stay with Sam at all. He is staying with Lora until we can get this all figured out, and Tessi is trying to deal with the fact that she cannot see her mom now.
I have let mom know that she it out of our life for good now. This was absolutely the last straw. To top things off, she came over to our place while we were at the court and took all of Tessi's presents back. I knew she was going to pull something like that, so I had stopped at Ace and picked up a new deadbolt, but I was already too late. How cruel and heartless does someone have to be to take presents away from a 9 year old girl? And for what - because she loves her mom? Does the fact that my mom hates Sam justify that action? I don't think so.
Of course there is another dimension to all this : the possiblity that I could have been arrested for violating a court order, or that Sam could have, or we both could have. Now it might have been an outside possibility, but still - the possibility was there. And to think that she did all this 5 days before Christmas - well, to me, that is just reprehensible. Although I can forgive her because I believe she is mentally ill, I do not have to keep allowing her into our lives so she can keep wreaking havoc. There has been a steady progression in the seriousness and destructive nature of her actions, and this one has crossed the line. I simply cannot allow her into our lives again - not until she has had some SERIOUS therapy and committed to truly changing.
Yesterday, she sent out an email around 3pm stating that she had gone to the VA and was getting into some counselling and also being presribed some medication. Of course Marshal and I have been BEGGING her for years to do this, but she has always preferred to focus on everyone else's problems. I think it is great that she is doing it, but for me, it is far too little, and way too late. Just the thought that she would squash Tessi's Christmas wishes of seeing her mom, take away all of her presents, and jeopardize my freedom, all 5 days before Christmas - it borders on the coldest, cruelest, most hainous act I have ever been witness to in our family, and I cannot tolerate any more of her hate filled vitriol and anger-inspired, destructive actions.
I almost allowed this all to create a rift between Marshal and me, as he sent an email stating that he did not agree with me letting Tessi see her mom either. But I called him last night and we worked everything out between us. We have basically agreed to disagree, and know that it is possible to still have a good relationship without agreeing on everything. I am grateful for that - she no longer has the power to pit Marshal and I against each other. So we are still going out to M&K's for Christmas Eve, and that should be fun. I am not sure about Christmas Day. Maybe Tess and I will go see Avatar or something. I honestly don't feel like going to Mike and Terri's, and we haven't really been invited anyway.
So now I have to get busy filling out all the paperwork and finding out what all I have to do to resolve this issue so the kids can see their mom. Galen texted me last night and said that he wants to stay with his mom for good, that he likes her parenting style better. Some people might expect that I would be hurt and upset by that, and I was a little bit, but not that much. He has changed a lot over the last year or 2, and it doesn't surprise me that he likes being with her more now. I don't think she is as tough on discipline, and she lets him see his girlfriend all the time, even letting him go to her house after school. I am not about to change the way I parent to make him happy, so it is probably best that he does stay there. And to be honest, Tessi and I have been getting along a lot better, and generally enjoying life without all the stress he created.
I am trying to maintain my serenity in all this, and though at times I have snapped (like Sunday night when mom wass threatening me) I think I have done a pretty good job altogether. I am hoping that Christmas Eve will be a fun time, and that we can get all this stuff resolved quickly so the kids can start seeing their mom again. I just don't have the hate towards Sam that my mom and brother do, and to this point, she has done a good job of meeting me on time, keeping her commitments on picking Tess up and bringing her back, and even gone out of her way to make it easy for me. The kids have said nothing that would cause me to believe that she is mistreating them, and Galen has actually been doing better with his grades.
May we all be blessed with wisdom, patience, understanding and compassion and be guided by the only the highest purposes during this holiday season.
So yesterday, after she basically threatened me the night before with calling CPS on me to report that I was in violation of a court order by allowing the kids to go over there, I decided to head down to Superior Court and see what I needed to do to cover my own butt in case she actually called CPS. While I was on the way to the court, Sam called and told me that indeed, someone had called and reported it to CPS, and that the kids could not spend any time with her until we got the court order modified. So that meant that not only could Tessi not see her mom for Christmas now, which she had really been looking forward to, it also meant that Galen could not stay with Sam at all. He is staying with Lora until we can get this all figured out, and Tessi is trying to deal with the fact that she cannot see her mom now.
I have let mom know that she it out of our life for good now. This was absolutely the last straw. To top things off, she came over to our place while we were at the court and took all of Tessi's presents back. I knew she was going to pull something like that, so I had stopped at Ace and picked up a new deadbolt, but I was already too late. How cruel and heartless does someone have to be to take presents away from a 9 year old girl? And for what - because she loves her mom? Does the fact that my mom hates Sam justify that action? I don't think so.
Of course there is another dimension to all this : the possiblity that I could have been arrested for violating a court order, or that Sam could have, or we both could have. Now it might have been an outside possibility, but still - the possibility was there. And to think that she did all this 5 days before Christmas - well, to me, that is just reprehensible. Although I can forgive her because I believe she is mentally ill, I do not have to keep allowing her into our lives so she can keep wreaking havoc. There has been a steady progression in the seriousness and destructive nature of her actions, and this one has crossed the line. I simply cannot allow her into our lives again - not until she has had some SERIOUS therapy and committed to truly changing.
Yesterday, she sent out an email around 3pm stating that she had gone to the VA and was getting into some counselling and also being presribed some medication. Of course Marshal and I have been BEGGING her for years to do this, but she has always preferred to focus on everyone else's problems. I think it is great that she is doing it, but for me, it is far too little, and way too late. Just the thought that she would squash Tessi's Christmas wishes of seeing her mom, take away all of her presents, and jeopardize my freedom, all 5 days before Christmas - it borders on the coldest, cruelest, most hainous act I have ever been witness to in our family, and I cannot tolerate any more of her hate filled vitriol and anger-inspired, destructive actions.
I almost allowed this all to create a rift between Marshal and me, as he sent an email stating that he did not agree with me letting Tessi see her mom either. But I called him last night and we worked everything out between us. We have basically agreed to disagree, and know that it is possible to still have a good relationship without agreeing on everything. I am grateful for that - she no longer has the power to pit Marshal and I against each other. So we are still going out to M&K's for Christmas Eve, and that should be fun. I am not sure about Christmas Day. Maybe Tess and I will go see Avatar or something. I honestly don't feel like going to Mike and Terri's, and we haven't really been invited anyway.
So now I have to get busy filling out all the paperwork and finding out what all I have to do to resolve this issue so the kids can see their mom. Galen texted me last night and said that he wants to stay with his mom for good, that he likes her parenting style better. Some people might expect that I would be hurt and upset by that, and I was a little bit, but not that much. He has changed a lot over the last year or 2, and it doesn't surprise me that he likes being with her more now. I don't think she is as tough on discipline, and she lets him see his girlfriend all the time, even letting him go to her house after school. I am not about to change the way I parent to make him happy, so it is probably best that he does stay there. And to be honest, Tessi and I have been getting along a lot better, and generally enjoying life without all the stress he created.
I am trying to maintain my serenity in all this, and though at times I have snapped (like Sunday night when mom wass threatening me) I think I have done a pretty good job altogether. I am hoping that Christmas Eve will be a fun time, and that we can get all this stuff resolved quickly so the kids can start seeing their mom again. I just don't have the hate towards Sam that my mom and brother do, and to this point, she has done a good job of meeting me on time, keeping her commitments on picking Tess up and bringing her back, and even gone out of her way to make it easy for me. The kids have said nothing that would cause me to believe that she is mistreating them, and Galen has actually been doing better with his grades.
May we all be blessed with wisdom, patience, understanding and compassion and be guided by the only the highest purposes during this holiday season.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Just like bad gas -
- it keeps coming back. Negative feelings that is. Of course, at least it is not full-on depression, and that is a blessing. Today, I did find myself in a bad mood however - and as a direct result of not following through with what I said I would (or, more appropriately, would not) do : I opened my piehole at a standards meeting, and was immediately shot down, as usual. You think I would learn, right? You think I would simply avoid the possibility of being shot down by just shutting my fucking mouth. But NO, I just have this compulsion to have my voice heard, no matter how insignificant the point.
And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.
Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.
So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28
'Nuff said.
And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.
Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.
So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28
'Nuff said.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Not dealing
Last night I met Sam and picked Tessi up after she spent the last 5 days with her mom. I guess I had some expectation that she would be happy to see me, especially after she had called me Friday morning crying, saying that she had a dream that I had a stroke, and it scared her. She even sent me a really touching text about loving me Saturday night. So in my mind, I figured this would mean she would be happy to see me Sunday night. And maybe that's why I took it so hard when she didn't seem happy to see me at all, and was actually quite sad. I asked her if she had a good time at her mom's, to which she replied "yeah." I asked her if she was ok, to which she replied "yeah." Basically, the old silent treatment.
And I did not handle it well at all. I know that, as an adult, and as her parent, I need to be loving, understanding, and supportive and rise above the petty emotionalism and childishness of taking it personal. But I am having a hard time doing that. I told her that it seems like she is not happy to see me at all, and she said that the transfer part is hard for her. I asked her is she was that way towards her mom when she went to stay with her, and she said she was (which of course, I didn't believe). I then went on to say that maybe she wants to live with her mom, and that she should ask her mom if she can live with her for awhile. Of course, I'm sure none of this is the right stuff to say, and I am disappointed in myself for not being a stronger, more balanced and loving person/parent. Hence, I made a call to Diana this morning and will be going in to see her tomorrow afternoon instead of Thursday.
I sometimes feel like no matter what happens, there is no winning in this situation. Of course the kids (or at least Tessi) are going to gush over their mom, whom they haven't hardly seen over the last 6 years. Of course it is going to be hard on Tessi to go there and spend time with her mom and Kenny, who have very different views on several things, and then come back to me - especially now that Galen is staying over there. And of course I need to find a way to deal with all of this in a way that does not cause more pain or damage to Tessi, or myself.
It has always been a double-edged sword, the proposition of having the kids spend time with Sam. On the one hand, it is great because the kids get to see her, and build a relationship with her, something that is good for them. And I get to spend some time without the kids, relaxing and doing some fun things for myself. But then there is the other side of it, some of the effects of which I have mentioned above. And then there is the fear that she won't stay in their lives, causing them even more pain and sadness when she bails again. Ugh. I really just don't know how to deal with all of this.
My fear is that the kids really would rather live with her, and that all I have done over the past 6 years for them is for naught. It probably brings up some of the old abandonment issues I have struggled with, and also some anger that she could totally blow them off for 6 years (not even a birthday card for either of them in all that time) while I did all the heavy lifting, and now she waltzes in and assumes the role of "super mom," as if she never skipped a beat. And the kids seem to give her unconditional forgiveness, as if she had been there all the time. Now I am the "bad" parent, I am the "meanie." Tessi has used that phrase a lot lately - that if I did so-and-so, I would be 'mean.'
I know this is all part of it - part of being a divorced parent, part of having kids, part of life. I only hope that I can learn to process this all better, for my sake, and for the kids....
And I did not handle it well at all. I know that, as an adult, and as her parent, I need to be loving, understanding, and supportive and rise above the petty emotionalism and childishness of taking it personal. But I am having a hard time doing that. I told her that it seems like she is not happy to see me at all, and she said that the transfer part is hard for her. I asked her is she was that way towards her mom when she went to stay with her, and she said she was (which of course, I didn't believe). I then went on to say that maybe she wants to live with her mom, and that she should ask her mom if she can live with her for awhile. Of course, I'm sure none of this is the right stuff to say, and I am disappointed in myself for not being a stronger, more balanced and loving person/parent. Hence, I made a call to Diana this morning and will be going in to see her tomorrow afternoon instead of Thursday.
I sometimes feel like no matter what happens, there is no winning in this situation. Of course the kids (or at least Tessi) are going to gush over their mom, whom they haven't hardly seen over the last 6 years. Of course it is going to be hard on Tessi to go there and spend time with her mom and Kenny, who have very different views on several things, and then come back to me - especially now that Galen is staying over there. And of course I need to find a way to deal with all of this in a way that does not cause more pain or damage to Tessi, or myself.
It has always been a double-edged sword, the proposition of having the kids spend time with Sam. On the one hand, it is great because the kids get to see her, and build a relationship with her, something that is good for them. And I get to spend some time without the kids, relaxing and doing some fun things for myself. But then there is the other side of it, some of the effects of which I have mentioned above. And then there is the fear that she won't stay in their lives, causing them even more pain and sadness when she bails again. Ugh. I really just don't know how to deal with all of this.
My fear is that the kids really would rather live with her, and that all I have done over the past 6 years for them is for naught. It probably brings up some of the old abandonment issues I have struggled with, and also some anger that she could totally blow them off for 6 years (not even a birthday card for either of them in all that time) while I did all the heavy lifting, and now she waltzes in and assumes the role of "super mom," as if she never skipped a beat. And the kids seem to give her unconditional forgiveness, as if she had been there all the time. Now I am the "bad" parent, I am the "meanie." Tessi has used that phrase a lot lately - that if I did so-and-so, I would be 'mean.'
I know this is all part of it - part of being a divorced parent, part of having kids, part of life. I only hope that I can learn to process this all better, for my sake, and for the kids....
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What goes up....
Just as with so many things in life, what seemed to be going perfectly well - maybe too well to believe even - took a turn into the shitpile today, and I am none too happy about it. I am talking about work, and it seems like over the past week, I have gone from loving my job and the people I work with to just liking the job, and being downright pissed with a number of the people I work with. I'll start with the most immediate and pressing issue first - Al chewing my ass today for something stupid.
Last week, before Erik R left on PTO, he gave me a quick run through of a POS app that is his responsibility - LIEN - and told me how to fix the issues that might come up. So yesterday, I started getting emails about an issue with it. I did what he told me to do, and even got the DBA (Dwight) involved, but nothing seemed to work. I found out from Adam that he had worked with Erik on it, and he offered to help out too. All seemingly harmless, right? Right.
So today, a customer emails Adam asking him what is going on, and copied Al on it. Al sent Adam a reply asking why he was working on it when I should be since I was the backup. I sent an email explaining how Adam was helping me out. Al asked what was going on, and I sent him an email stating that maybe there was something Erik did that we were not aware of, and that he needs to provide better documentation before he goes on PTO next time. After that, I get an email from Al stating "Let's Talk!"
I go into his office, and he looks pissed, tells me to close the door. He started angrily asking me "what this is?" about my email. I looked and him and said, "Hunh?" He went on to explain that he didn't like the way I "threw Erik under the bus," and talking about how we were all a team, and asking if I was part of the team. He asked me what I would think if I got an email about me like the one I sent about Erik, and I said "I think I would need to create some documentation." He seemed WAY more pissed off than I would ever imagined anyone would be about it, and I was pretty confused. I kept telling him that I didn't mean to 'throw Erik under the bus,' that I was a team player and that I liked Erik. But he didn't want to hear it. He then went into the whole "I'm the boss" gig, stating how I needn't worry about what Jennifer, or the customers, or anyone else thinks - that he is the one who writes my reviews and can hire/fire me - not any of them.
So, I did the only thing I knew to do which was to keep apologizing, stating that I didn't mean it the way he was interpreting it, and promising not to do it (whatever the fuck "it" was) again. He then went on to say that the real issue is that some people on our team are 'sensitive,' and always looking for the negative, and that Erik was such a person, and that I needed to be more sensitive to other people's sensitivity (really? on this team?). I told him that I thought he wanted me to be more thick skinned, and he reiterated that some people - like Erik (in his opinion) aren't. I found this all very hard to believe, but relented, apologized, and promised to be more "sensitive" in the future. To be honest, I still don't understand what he was so pissed about. It was like he was Erik's big brother, and I had been caught making fun of Erik.
I swear, it is so hard to understand the dynamics of this team sometimes. In one moment, it seems that he wants me to be cocky and thick-skinned, willing to make the decisions that count - and in the next, to be hyper-sensitive to the feelings of the other team members. Which would not all be so weird, if he weren't the person he is, and Erik wasn't the person he is - I just don't see Erik as the sensitive, emotional type who needs protection against hurt feelings by Al. And even if he is, the email I sent was nothing derogatory about Erik, so I don't know what the fuck was up with that whole situation. I know one thing though - I am not a happy fucking camper now, that's for sure.
And I am frustrated with Jamie, as it seems he ignores about 60% of everything that I send him in IM's, which I am getting sick of. Then, at the happy hour Friday night, everybody went about their hobnobbing with other people, and I ended up feeling very abandoned and out of place. So I am not real happy with all of them - DV, Mac, and Jamie - either. They spent all week saying how they would 'take me under their wing...' - yeah, right. But this part is pretty whiny of me, because I knew going in that I was taking a risk going to a bar and that I probably wouldn't be comfortable. Kudos to me for at least giving it a shot.
Then, in the meeting today, I tried to make a comment about this new thing they are implementing (cute editor) and was summarily dismissed. It seems like anytime I have ever made a comment in a meeting, it pretty much gets ignored. So I am going to take a page out of John Ybarra's playbook (he's been here like 30 years) and just sit quietly in meetings with my mouth shut and a smile on my face. Everyone in my family tells me how 'smart' I am, but it only seems to get me in trouble. And to be honest, I don't even feel that smart anymore. Whatever passion and ambition I had is gone, and I am just trying to be the best, most obedient slave I can. Got bills to pay and mouths to feed.
What does all this mean? Not a fucking thing, except THANK GOD IT'S A 3 DAY WEEK! I need the time away, getting sick of the place that I love so much. Kinda' like the best friend you spend every day with in the summer time - by about the 5th week, you are arguing like crazy and want to kill each other. But it's never anything a couple days apart can't solve. At least that's what I am telling myself.
Last week, before Erik R left on PTO, he gave me a quick run through of a POS app that is his responsibility - LIEN - and told me how to fix the issues that might come up. So yesterday, I started getting emails about an issue with it. I did what he told me to do, and even got the DBA (Dwight) involved, but nothing seemed to work. I found out from Adam that he had worked with Erik on it, and he offered to help out too. All seemingly harmless, right? Right.
So today, a customer emails Adam asking him what is going on, and copied Al on it. Al sent Adam a reply asking why he was working on it when I should be since I was the backup. I sent an email explaining how Adam was helping me out. Al asked what was going on, and I sent him an email stating that maybe there was something Erik did that we were not aware of, and that he needs to provide better documentation before he goes on PTO next time. After that, I get an email from Al stating "Let's Talk!"
I go into his office, and he looks pissed, tells me to close the door. He started angrily asking me "what this is?" about my email. I looked and him and said, "Hunh?" He went on to explain that he didn't like the way I "threw Erik under the bus," and talking about how we were all a team, and asking if I was part of the team. He asked me what I would think if I got an email about me like the one I sent about Erik, and I said "I think I would need to create some documentation." He seemed WAY more pissed off than I would ever imagined anyone would be about it, and I was pretty confused. I kept telling him that I didn't mean to 'throw Erik under the bus,' that I was a team player and that I liked Erik. But he didn't want to hear it. He then went into the whole "I'm the boss" gig, stating how I needn't worry about what Jennifer, or the customers, or anyone else thinks - that he is the one who writes my reviews and can hire/fire me - not any of them.
So, I did the only thing I knew to do which was to keep apologizing, stating that I didn't mean it the way he was interpreting it, and promising not to do it (whatever the fuck "it" was) again. He then went on to say that the real issue is that some people on our team are 'sensitive,' and always looking for the negative, and that Erik was such a person, and that I needed to be more sensitive to other people's sensitivity (really? on this team?). I told him that I thought he wanted me to be more thick skinned, and he reiterated that some people - like Erik (in his opinion) aren't. I found this all very hard to believe, but relented, apologized, and promised to be more "sensitive" in the future. To be honest, I still don't understand what he was so pissed about. It was like he was Erik's big brother, and I had been caught making fun of Erik.
I swear, it is so hard to understand the dynamics of this team sometimes. In one moment, it seems that he wants me to be cocky and thick-skinned, willing to make the decisions that count - and in the next, to be hyper-sensitive to the feelings of the other team members. Which would not all be so weird, if he weren't the person he is, and Erik wasn't the person he is - I just don't see Erik as the sensitive, emotional type who needs protection against hurt feelings by Al. And even if he is, the email I sent was nothing derogatory about Erik, so I don't know what the fuck was up with that whole situation. I know one thing though - I am not a happy fucking camper now, that's for sure.
And I am frustrated with Jamie, as it seems he ignores about 60% of everything that I send him in IM's, which I am getting sick of. Then, at the happy hour Friday night, everybody went about their hobnobbing with other people, and I ended up feeling very abandoned and out of place. So I am not real happy with all of them - DV, Mac, and Jamie - either. They spent all week saying how they would 'take me under their wing...' - yeah, right. But this part is pretty whiny of me, because I knew going in that I was taking a risk going to a bar and that I probably wouldn't be comfortable. Kudos to me for at least giving it a shot.
Then, in the meeting today, I tried to make a comment about this new thing they are implementing (cute editor) and was summarily dismissed. It seems like anytime I have ever made a comment in a meeting, it pretty much gets ignored. So I am going to take a page out of John Ybarra's playbook (he's been here like 30 years) and just sit quietly in meetings with my mouth shut and a smile on my face. Everyone in my family tells me how 'smart' I am, but it only seems to get me in trouble. And to be honest, I don't even feel that smart anymore. Whatever passion and ambition I had is gone, and I am just trying to be the best, most obedient slave I can. Got bills to pay and mouths to feed.
What does all this mean? Not a fucking thing, except THANK GOD IT'S A 3 DAY WEEK! I need the time away, getting sick of the place that I love so much. Kinda' like the best friend you spend every day with in the summer time - by about the 5th week, you are arguing like crazy and want to kill each other. But it's never anything a couple days apart can't solve. At least that's what I am telling myself.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The latest
Wow - from the period of time between postings now, one might suppose that I either have a life now, have been extremely depressed, or abducted by aliens. Fortunately, the second one is not true, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what kind of aliens) the third one is not true either. Which is not to say that I have an actual life now. But I guess I am getting closer to that, as I have started doing some different things lately.
First of all, to catch up on the Galen saga, we came over this weekend to stay the night, and we got a good chance to talk about several things. Based on our convos, I decided that it was ok if he stays at Sam and Kenny's for awhile and ok if Tessi still wants to spend the night there sometimes. I still think there are some shady dealings going on over there, but he feels safe, and from what he said, I can't be sure that they are actually dealing meth, which was my biggest concern. So he is going to stay over there til at least the end of the semester. I am glad actually because I have really relaxed for the first time in years.
Ok - now on to other stuff. Just like a gift from above, Banner opened an employee welness center across the street and the dues are only $50 a year. I joined right away and have been working out 3 days a week for the last week or 2 (including this week) It feels good to be working out again, and this time I am focusing more on cardio so I can maybe lose some weight. I am still mixing strength training in too, but the cardio is the main focus. Whether or not I end up losing any weight, I feel better about myself knowing I am at least trying to do something to get in shape.
I have also found some good new meetings to go to - a great Al Anon on Thursday's, and an awesome AA Big Book on Fridays. In additon, I am continuing my intensive work with Diana and started a new med last week - Lamactil. It is supposed to take the "bottom" out of my depression so I don't get as down as I did this last time. And Loerd knows I don't ever want to get that bad again. I am still not sure why I didn't do something really horrible. I think it was simply the thought of the kids and what it would do to them. I honestly think that if I didn't have them, I would not be here today after that last spell. It was everything I could do to not take myself out. I've never felt it that strong before - like an actual compulsion, physical and mental. Scary stuff. Hopefully this new med will help.
I don't like the thought of being on yet another medication. But given the way I felt during that last episode, I don't know that I have any other options. If that's what it takes to make it through without offing myself, then so be it.
Other than that, things have been going fairly well. Work is staying steady, and I achieved a major accomplishment by getting the web part I have been working on to pull data from a Sharepoint list instead of SQL Server. Al was pretty stoked about it, and that is always a good thing.
I am going to go to happy hour with the boys on Friday night, so we'll see how that goes. It is always interesting going to events where pretty much everyone is drinking. I think it will be fun though. I am hoping there is some girl/woman there who imbibes a little too much, and feels "needy" - if ya' get my drift!
First of all, to catch up on the Galen saga, we came over this weekend to stay the night, and we got a good chance to talk about several things. Based on our convos, I decided that it was ok if he stays at Sam and Kenny's for awhile and ok if Tessi still wants to spend the night there sometimes. I still think there are some shady dealings going on over there, but he feels safe, and from what he said, I can't be sure that they are actually dealing meth, which was my biggest concern. So he is going to stay over there til at least the end of the semester. I am glad actually because I have really relaxed for the first time in years.
Ok - now on to other stuff. Just like a gift from above, Banner opened an employee welness center across the street and the dues are only $50 a year. I joined right away and have been working out 3 days a week for the last week or 2 (including this week) It feels good to be working out again, and this time I am focusing more on cardio so I can maybe lose some weight. I am still mixing strength training in too, but the cardio is the main focus. Whether or not I end up losing any weight, I feel better about myself knowing I am at least trying to do something to get in shape.
I have also found some good new meetings to go to - a great Al Anon on Thursday's, and an awesome AA Big Book on Fridays. In additon, I am continuing my intensive work with Diana and started a new med last week - Lamactil. It is supposed to take the "bottom" out of my depression so I don't get as down as I did this last time. And Loerd knows I don't ever want to get that bad again. I am still not sure why I didn't do something really horrible. I think it was simply the thought of the kids and what it would do to them. I honestly think that if I didn't have them, I would not be here today after that last spell. It was everything I could do to not take myself out. I've never felt it that strong before - like an actual compulsion, physical and mental. Scary stuff. Hopefully this new med will help.
I don't like the thought of being on yet another medication. But given the way I felt during that last episode, I don't know that I have any other options. If that's what it takes to make it through without offing myself, then so be it.
Other than that, things have been going fairly well. Work is staying steady, and I achieved a major accomplishment by getting the web part I have been working on to pull data from a Sharepoint list instead of SQL Server. Al was pretty stoked about it, and that is always a good thing.
I am going to go to happy hour with the boys on Friday night, so we'll see how that goes. It is always interesting going to events where pretty much everyone is drinking. I think it will be fun though. I am hoping there is some girl/woman there who imbibes a little too much, and feels "needy" - if ya' get my drift!
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