I have been doing such a good job of keeping my blog updated, I thought I would post just a brief snippet for today. Things on POF were VERY quiet this weekend. In fact, I didn't get even one message Saturday or Sunday. I didn't let it get to me at all though. I had a nice weekend with the kids, although Tessi was sicker than a dog with stomach flu Saturday night. She said she and Autumn had stayed up til like 5am, so it was no surprise that she got sick - she almost always does after staying up so late like that. Galen and I watched some good movies together (Tess joined in for the "From Paris with Love").
I had fun bowling Saturday night with my newly found team and league. It is a very diverse group of people - all ages, ethnicities, styles - and I really like it. I was thinking Saturday night that it is much better to be on that night instead of Sunday like the old league was. I feel like getting out on Saturday nights usually, and now I can, and do. On the other hand, I don't really feel like going anywhere Sunday night, and would rather stay home and relax. So it works out perfectly.
I did get a message from someone on POF late last night (saw it this morning when I got to work). It is from a woman named Wendy (username 'Tantricdish' - sounds yummy to me! Lol). She sounds very interesting - intelligent, well educated, strawberry blonde hair - and she sent me a reply asking me to tell her about who I am and what I am looking for in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question, so I sent her a pretty thoughtful reply. If things go the way they have been, I may never even hear from her again. But, I am not giving up faith, and in any case, it was a good exercise in self-awareness, trying to think of how to explain to someone else who I am.
Life is pretty darned good right now, I must admit. Other than CRAVING some good lovin' (oh, and by the way - she lives up to her username in her profile, stating that any man she dates must have a strong libido - got that one covered!). I am happy, healthy, content at work, and generally enjoying life. As far as the woman situation, I am still actively seeking, but without the desperation and thoughts of failure when things don't work out with a certain woman, or they don't write back. I figure the Universe knows what it is doing, and I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to as long as I keep doing the footwork. Gee - that sounds familiar - wonder where I came up with that one??? ha ha ha!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Hungry for lovin'
Ok - what I am now experiencing now, at this moment, this day, is not desperation in the sense of "Oh, I need a girlfriend SO badly!!!" No, that is not it - not at all. Oh, I am desperate all right, but more along these lines : "OMG - I am DYING to have some GREAT SEX with a woman!!!! Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!" Ha ha! Yes, that is what I am feeling right now. I suppose I should say thinking, to be "psycholgically correct", but believe me - I am feeling it too.
Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.
My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.
Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.
Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)
Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.
My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.
Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.
Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A Dating Lull
Well, what started out like gangbusters, the whole POF dating thang, has now slowed to a real lull. Out of the last several messages I've sent out, I've only gotten one or 2 replies. And after sending those few another message, I have gotten nothing back. I met with Dana last night, and though she was sweet, she was a bit bigger - heavier - than I thought she would be. She was nice though, so I am thinking I would still like to see her again. We only got to meet for less than an hour last night, as she had to go pick her dad up from the doctor. I texted her this morning to see how that went and she has not yet texted back. But it's ok - I am not really concerned, as I don't think there is a realistic possibility of us getting together. I want someone who is in better shape.
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity
Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Following my own rules
I am sitting here trying, with all my strength, to avoid emailing or texting Dana. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday afternoon after exchanging emails in the morning and received some pretty short, curt replies. I didn't hear anything from her after the last one, at about 5pm or so, so I decided to just lay off a bit and not contact her again until she shows some interest from her end. It turns out that is much harder than I thought it would, or should be! Lol
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
Monday, June 7, 2010
Breaking the "Michelle" curse
Just when I thought I was destined - or after the events of this weekend - doomed, to end up with a woman named Michelle, a ray of sunshine broke through the M cloud in the form of a woman named Dana. I sent her a message through POF, she replied, and we ended up texting back and forth this weekend, even chatting on the phone Saturday night. She looks to be very pretty from her pictures on POF - a brunette with beautiful blue eyes (always LOVED that combination). She is a fellow Taurus and seems to be pretty put together. Of course, we will see about that as time goes by, as I have thought that about other women only to find out it wasn't completely true. We are going to meet Weds night for coffee, and I am pretty excited about it to be honest. I just re-read my "rules" though, and am trying to remind myself to go SLOW! Ha ha!
I met the other woman I was texting, Shelli, yesterday, and she was very nice. I noticed right off the bat that she has a large tattoo on the back of her neck that extends down her upper back, so that was a bit of a turn-off, as I am not big on tattoos, especially on women. All in all, she was very sweet, but I didn't feel any real physical attraction. I am not really sure how to proceed, as she is really nice, and I don't want to just summarily blow her off. I will have to contemplate that. Typically, the MO has been to just cease contact - both on my side, and the woman's. If the other person isn't interested, they just don't contact the other one anymore. I would feel kinda' bad doing that with her though, so I want to come up with something better.
And now on to the piece de resistance - the outcome with Michelle, the one I was so hopeful about after receiving the text from her while camping. Here is a woman that I think is more messed up and manipulative than me! Lol. Here I am texting and emailing her, all concerned that something is horribly wrong with her. So I text her orig phone Satruday night in yet another effort to find out if she is ok, and I get back a simple, "No worries. I'm ok." WTF?!?!?! I have had actual concern and worry for her, and turns out she is fine, just been a little sick?
That in and of itself was enough to make me a little irritated. But then, I ask her about maybe seeing her again, and she says that she is burnt out on men, that she doesn't want to see anyone for awhile. I reminded her that SHE sent me the text saying that stuff about "fizzling" and about my email rocking her world, and she says "sorry if I confused you." Ok - at this point, I am thinking that either A. This woman has no concept of the dynamics of communication between single men and women, or B. This lady is extremely manipulative, and possibly even shizophrenic. So I sent her a text to clarify once and for all, stating that I did not want her to text me again unless she was interested in seeing me again. To which she replied she was going to delete all my contact info from her phone. Fine - great - whatever! I think she truly belongs with that guy Ryan - that they are made for each other, and I hope they have a wonderful life together! Ha ha!
So the adventure continues, with the next chapter yet to be written. Will Dana be promising? Will we have a good meetup? Will I be attracted to her? Will she be attracted to me? Only time will tell. One thing is sure though - whatever happens, it is bound to be interesting! Lol
I met the other woman I was texting, Shelli, yesterday, and she was very nice. I noticed right off the bat that she has a large tattoo on the back of her neck that extends down her upper back, so that was a bit of a turn-off, as I am not big on tattoos, especially on women. All in all, she was very sweet, but I didn't feel any real physical attraction. I am not really sure how to proceed, as she is really nice, and I don't want to just summarily blow her off. I will have to contemplate that. Typically, the MO has been to just cease contact - both on my side, and the woman's. If the other person isn't interested, they just don't contact the other one anymore. I would feel kinda' bad doing that with her though, so I want to come up with something better.
And now on to the piece de resistance - the outcome with Michelle, the one I was so hopeful about after receiving the text from her while camping. Here is a woman that I think is more messed up and manipulative than me! Lol. Here I am texting and emailing her, all concerned that something is horribly wrong with her. So I text her orig phone Satruday night in yet another effort to find out if she is ok, and I get back a simple, "No worries. I'm ok." WTF?!?!?! I have had actual concern and worry for her, and turns out she is fine, just been a little sick?
That in and of itself was enough to make me a little irritated. But then, I ask her about maybe seeing her again, and she says that she is burnt out on men, that she doesn't want to see anyone for awhile. I reminded her that SHE sent me the text saying that stuff about "fizzling" and about my email rocking her world, and she says "sorry if I confused you." Ok - at this point, I am thinking that either A. This woman has no concept of the dynamics of communication between single men and women, or B. This lady is extremely manipulative, and possibly even shizophrenic. So I sent her a text to clarify once and for all, stating that I did not want her to text me again unless she was interested in seeing me again. To which she replied she was going to delete all my contact info from her phone. Fine - great - whatever! I think she truly belongs with that guy Ryan - that they are made for each other, and I hope they have a wonderful life together! Ha ha!
So the adventure continues, with the next chapter yet to be written. Will Dana be promising? Will we have a good meetup? Will I be attracted to her? Will she be attracted to me? Only time will tell. One thing is sure though - whatever happens, it is bound to be interesting! Lol
Friday, June 4, 2010
Don't.... want.... to..... work......
Ugh! I am having SUCH a hard time getting motivated to do ANY coding today. A couple of years ago I would have felt really guilty about my complete lack of enthusiasm and production. But I have learned over time that for me to properly align my production rate with the flow of time in IT, I need to actually take some time - a fairly good amount of time - to do things other than work on my projects.
In the past, I would go gung ho at stuff, get it done, and then have to sit around frustrated that I didn't have anything else to do. So I would go to my boss at the time and ask for more work. Now I thought this was a good thing, that it would show them how hard a worker I was, and that they would love me for it. But what I found was just the opposite - that they really found it more annoying than anything else, and instead of endearing me with them, it got me on their bad sides.
So for awhile, I just got all resentful about it, and thought that I was just too hard a worker, that everyone else was bums, and that maybe I was in the wrong profession. But as time went by, I started to see that that is just the way it is in this industry - feast or famine, slower than hell or balls to the wall, nothing to do or too much to possibly do. So, instead of fighting this inherent property, I have learned to adjust to it. And part of that is allowing myself some time, sometimes even a day or more, to just let everything fall back into synch.
The biggest thing I had to overcome was the guilt I felt about it. Coming from blue collar jobs, it was very hard to understand and embrace the concept of doing nothing basically, producing nothing of import, and instead of getting yelled at for it, getting paid. But I no longer feel guilty about it, and I have come to accept what is, and that I am not cheating anyone, I am merely being a "part of," and adapting my work habits to my environment. And to be honest, I quite enjoy my job now.
And it has worked spectacularly well. I have been in my current position for over 2 years now (a record for me!) and I think my boss and the people here genuinely like and respect me. I have a great cube (one of the best - of not the best - in the joint in my opinion) and a base of customers who love me. My boss does not micromanage me, and trusts me to get stuff done on time and within scope. I have a nice little group of "lunch buddies" that I eat with, and I even hang out and so stuff with some of them outside of work occasionally. Yes, my life - my work life - is better than it has ever been. And I am extremely grateful. Very, very, VERY grateful.
So I only have question now on this wonderful Friday morning : Is it lunch time yet?!?! Ha ha ha ha!
In the past, I would go gung ho at stuff, get it done, and then have to sit around frustrated that I didn't have anything else to do. So I would go to my boss at the time and ask for more work. Now I thought this was a good thing, that it would show them how hard a worker I was, and that they would love me for it. But what I found was just the opposite - that they really found it more annoying than anything else, and instead of endearing me with them, it got me on their bad sides.
So for awhile, I just got all resentful about it, and thought that I was just too hard a worker, that everyone else was bums, and that maybe I was in the wrong profession. But as time went by, I started to see that that is just the way it is in this industry - feast or famine, slower than hell or balls to the wall, nothing to do or too much to possibly do. So, instead of fighting this inherent property, I have learned to adjust to it. And part of that is allowing myself some time, sometimes even a day or more, to just let everything fall back into synch.
The biggest thing I had to overcome was the guilt I felt about it. Coming from blue collar jobs, it was very hard to understand and embrace the concept of doing nothing basically, producing nothing of import, and instead of getting yelled at for it, getting paid. But I no longer feel guilty about it, and I have come to accept what is, and that I am not cheating anyone, I am merely being a "part of," and adapting my work habits to my environment. And to be honest, I quite enjoy my job now.
And it has worked spectacularly well. I have been in my current position for over 2 years now (a record for me!) and I think my boss and the people here genuinely like and respect me. I have a great cube (one of the best - of not the best - in the joint in my opinion) and a base of customers who love me. My boss does not micromanage me, and trusts me to get stuff done on time and within scope. I have a nice little group of "lunch buddies" that I eat with, and I even hang out and so stuff with some of them outside of work occasionally. Yes, my life - my work life - is better than it has ever been. And I am extremely grateful. Very, very, VERY grateful.
So I only have question now on this wonderful Friday morning : Is it lunch time yet?!?! Ha ha ha ha!
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