Bowling bummage

Well, last night was probably the worst night of bowling I have had all season, which in itself would have been just about enough to lead to a decision to not bowl again next season. But when Randall decided to basically "tease" me as I was leaving by going "Waaahhhhh", that sealed the deal.

You know, I am not sure if has anything to do with him at all really, or if it is just me, but I find it incredibly frustrating - not fun like it's supposed to be. I started off the season like a man on fire, rolling 200's left and right, and even scoring a 691 scratch series. But like always happens (for some weird, unknown reason) the rest of the season has been a not-so-slow descent into the land of bowling 120's and 130's. I am not sure what the hell happens to me, but it really seems like I have some built-in self destruct mechanism that fires off every season in bowling, and I am just tired of fighting it. What makes it even worse is that when I try to improve my game by practicing a bit more, or even getting some coaching, I still don't do any better in league. The really ironic thing? I can bowl 200's pretty consistently practicing, but when I hit league - pppphhhhhhtttttt!!! All the air goes out of the tires, and I suck (or blow, as it may be).

Now if I bowled with someone who was generally cool about it and supportive (like my one teammate Brad) I could probably roll on through it and keep bowling, laughing all the while. But Randall has a way of being about him that seems to indicate that he has the compassion and understanding of a seedless grape. There are times when I, or someone else (like Kevin K this Friday) just needs a pat on the shoulder, and a "hey man, it's cool - don't worry about it. Everything is going to be ok." But he seems completely incapable of offering such support, and instead, gives the advice of a nazi sponsor, admonishing the person to 'quit whining', or pulling the 'wahhh hahh' thing like he did with me. When someone on your team in a team sport is down, that is the LAST thing they need.

But, I have come to accept my powerlessness in the situation, and know that I cannot change the way Randall is. And I also know that I have a part in it - my expectations of my self are too high, and I let my ego get in the way of just having fun. I see JT, and Emile, and Ken and Roger Gosney and all these guys getting better and better, and I feel like I am "less than," "no good," and "a horrible bowler," and then that is what I become. So I know I have a huge part in it as well. But at this point in my life, I just don't think I need something that is only going to cause me to think such thoughts. And especially not something that is SUPPOSED to be fun, and recreational.

So I was thinking that I would take the $50-60 a month I have been spending on bowling and get a membership at the new health club that is supposed to be opening soon on 16th st and Bethany. Why not take the time to do something that is good for me, will improve both my health and appearance, as well as my image of myself, and is non-competitive? And so that is what I am going to do. Who knows - maybe this was God's way of getting me there - and maybe I am just a poor sport looking for something where I can't lose! ha ha! Either way, it sounds like a winner to me.

The latest news in my life

Well, the bout of missing my ex g/f continues. I am sure a lot of it has to do with missing the great sex. And in fact, I miss her body more than I miss her, terrible as it is to say. I absolutely loved her breasts - it's the first time I have dated a woman who had halfway ample breasts - and I really enjoyed playing with them in every was possible. I also miss the softness of her skin. It was very creamy, and so soft to the touch. But as I think about that stuf, and apply the new (to me anyway) Buddhist concepts I am learning, I wonder how important all of that really was/is. I mean, it always seems like it is one or the other with me and the women in my life : either the are great mentally and spritually and we fit great in those respects, but there is little chemistry in the bedroom (Ty, Marci), OR just the opposite - there are some challenges on the mental/spiritual levels, but the sex is awesom (Sam, Tina). If only I could get the "combo platter" and have both the good fit and the good sex... who knows, maybe someday.

Of course now that I reread that paragraph, I realize that what I said had really nothing to do with the Buddhist concepts, other than the fact that what we think will make us happy ultimately never does - we end up wanting more, or something different, or something better. I think Marci was probably the best actual person I have ever been with, but for whatever reason, the spark just wasn't there for me in the bedroom. Then, I thought Tina was a perfect fit. But it turned out that she never really took to the kids, and they never really took to her. That, along with some parenting philosophy differences and some honesty issues on her part pretty much doomed that relationship. But, as I said, the sex was great, so I let it go on a lot longer than it probably should have because I honestly thought after getting sober that I would never have sex that good again. Arghhh!!! It sucks to be without it now.

But I am getting to a point in my life where I realize that not having that awesome spark in bed may not - in fact, is not - the most important thing. Looking back at my relationship with Marci, I see that the value of the way she was with the kids, her deep spirituality, her sense of responsibility, and many other factors were worth far more than good sex is. Why do I say that now? Because as I have gotten older, my libido has decreased a lot anyway. I don't even care to have sex that often anyway, but all of those other qualities are an every day thing. It sounds kinda' bad, but in the economics of relationships for me, it just makes sense to go for that which offers the highest spiritual return. Now, the question is, can I prevent myself from repeating past mistakes in this area? I think that, with Spirit's help, I can.

Other news - in the tradition of "If you can'tbeat 'em, join 'em" I was asked to join the board of the Flynn Lane HOA a couple of weeks ago, and last night, with no fanfare and nothing but a quick vote, I became the VP of the HOA - BOO YAHHH!!!! I didn't even plan for it to happen. I guess the VP resigned a while back, and Leona asked if I would show up at the meeting so I could be appointed. It's weird how stuff like that works sometimes. It was kinda' funny (kinda' scary actually) too, because they (we) started discussing violations people had, and a few of them had to do with doors - front doors and patio doors too - and I thought FOR SURE they were going to bring up my French doors! They even brought up someone else who had French doors, and I know my butthole puckered right then. But, they moved on, with nary a mention of my doors. Phewwww!!! And it was actually very interesting. I am looking forward to getting more involved and learning more about how it all works.

I was thinking today that maybe I am being primed for public office someday, hunh? I mean I am a treasurer for my AA homegroup, and now I am a VP on the HOA board - some good public service experience. Who knows. I am just taking it as it comes and enjoying the changes at this point. With all of the stressors I have had in my life lately, some nice welcomed distractions are great!

Truly Letting Go

This weekend, I had a bout of missing my ex-girlfriend. I even thought about driving by her place, but knew that if I saw some vehicle parked there (her new boyfriend's) I would probably be pretty upset. So I didn't do that. And I think I was surprised to realize how upset I might actually get if there was someone there. I was hoping that maybe I was over all of that, but apparently I am not.

And of course, like always happens, I remembered all the good things about our relationship, especially the great sex, which was the best part, and I started longing for her again. I started wondering if maybe she was a lot better than I thought she was and if it wasn't me who was the messed up person. I started thinking about the girlfriend I had before her, Marci, and how happy she seems to be. Perhaps it is me that is messed up, and perhaps I will never have a partner in my life that I can be happy with, and that can be happy with me. And if that is the case, then the true objective for me must be being happy with what is - to find happiness in my life just as it is, and to finally learn not to depend on "having someone" to be happy.

I found something on the web that I like a lot - a website that is all about Buddhism, and there is an awesome quote on there that has become my mantra :

"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better."

(from the website http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)

So that has become my mantra - 'attachment to my desires is suffering.' Not necessarily the desires themselves, but my attachment to them. It is not my desire to have a woman in my life that is my suffering, it is my ATTACHMENT to that desire. If I could let go of that desire, if I could free myself of that attachment, I would not suffer so. And so, I have changed my focus from trying to rid myself of that desire - which for me, has proven impossible anyway - and changed the focus instead to trying to rid myself of the attachment to that desire. It is a sublte, but life-changing switch in thinking, and I am grateful to have been brought that realization.

I am powerless

That statement immediately freed me from what was quickly becoming a cauldron of rage engulfing my entire mind. I had gotten off the phone with Galen, and suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, a thought came into my mind : "I am powerless over him and his actions. He is God's child." And in that moment, I felt a HUGE burned lifted off me and felt the rage just evaporate; I was once again at peace. Because for a moment, I thought that I was in control, that I was in charge, and that I alone was responsible for Galen and his actions. I thought that I could 'change' him, that I could 'make' him be the good student and good citizen I want him to be. But the reality - the sweet reality - is that I cannot, because I am powerless.

And so, when I got home last night, instead of yelling and screaming at him, I calmly explained the fact that he has the ability to make choices, and that our choices often times have consequences that we did not consider when we made them. I made him aware of what some of the long term consequences for him might be - like not getting a car when he turns 16, me not paying insurance on a car if he does get one, not getting his cell phone back, etc. I also told him that I am not going to "sponsor" his lifestyle, and that I will not sign any more 'Reflections' he sends home, that he will just have to serve detentions for all of them. I told him I will not give him any more money, and that his friends are not welcome at our house - I don't trust them. And I also told him that if he brings drugs into the house, or gets in other trouble, I will just call the cops on him, and have them take him to juvie as an "incorrigible." Basically, I done messing around with him, and I will not let him destroy my serenity or my life.

And, in the spirit of truly "letting go," I also told him that he is no longer grounded. He can do whatever he wants after school and on weekends, just as long as it doesn't involve his friends coming over to our place. It's more work than it's worth trying to enforce his grounding, and it doesn't change his behavior anyway, so why bother? He is basically on his own to make his own choices, and he will have to live with the consequences, whatever they are. If that means repeating 8th grade, then I guess he will have to do that. It's no skin off my hide. And while some would read this and think that I don't care, it is really just the opposite. I do care - about my sobriety and serenity above all. Because if I don't have those, I won't have my kids anyway and none of this will matter.

And so that is what I am focusing on, having faith that God is in charge of everything - even Galen - and that everything will work out as it is supposed to. I just have to keep doing the next right thing, putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that I am powerless - and in that is my ultimate freedom.

Troubled teen

This school year has started off like a nightmare, and I am wondering how in the world I am going to make it through 4 more years of this stuff. The second or 3rd week of school, I got a call from Galen's math teacher informin me that he wasn't turning any homework in, and that he was basically getting a 0 in her class. I of course talked to him about it and told him that if he didn't straighten up, there would be some repercussions. So the very next week, I got a call from his social studies teacher telling me that she had sent home some papers that she needed signed the first week of school, and she hadn't gotten them back yet. So I assured her that I would get them signed and returned, and while I had her on the phone, I thought to ask her about how he was doing in her class. It turned out that he wasn't turning in any work in her class either, and to make things worse, she didn't even give "home" work - it was assignments she gave to be completed in class.

So, right then and there, I called up Cricket and had his cell phone turned off. Then, I grounded him completely for 2 weeks, and told him that if he didn't bring his grades up, he would continue losing things - his guitar, the PS2, etc. And that seemed to work for a few days. I actually saw him doing some homework, and thought maybe he had turned things around. Until today.

I got a call at about 9:30am this morning from the assistant principal at Meadows stating that Galen was in some kind of trouble. Apparently, someone took a kid's cellphone, and then gave it to Galen to give back to the kid. So it wasn't him that took it, but he supposedly knew who did it, and the asst principal was trying to get Galen to give the cuplrit up. Needless to say, my blood pressure probably went up about 100 points. So I asked to talk to Galen. He claimed that he knew absolutely nothing about the phone, and that he didn't even know why he was in the office. So I talked to the a/p again, and asked if it was possible that the kid who ID'd Galen had lied, and he said that was possibility, but that he felt Galen knew who did it. And, because they don't want to send out the wrong message - that stealing will be tolerated - they are going to suspend Galen if he doesn't tell who did it.

Now, if Galen had not already been on my shitlist for everything else that has happened this year, I probably would take his side, no qestions asked. But it is a little hard when he has been in SO MUCH trouble.

Crazy Wandy

Well, I had an email from Marsh in my inbox at work today when I got here, asking if I had heard from mom lately. I figured it would take at least 1000 words to even begin to describe what happened on the phone the last time we talked, so I decided to just call him up and talk to him. We have both come to the conclusion that our mother is basically completely crazy, and that for some strange reason, she may never decide to get any help for herself. I told him that I basically, for the first time I can remember, told her as much.

Marshal has a lot of anger towards her - more than I thought he had. It is clear that the things she did when he was young, like going to Colorado to be with Bob Barber and leaving him in AZ with Brian Barber, did have negative emotional effects on him, as they would have on any kid. I don' think she realizes what fuck-up she was for a parent for many years. Or, if she does, she wants to wear it like a badge of honor, and lambast us all with the guilt and shame she feels for it, and she feels that, bcause her "parents were divorced when she was 16" like she has told us a million times, she is justified in doing whatever it is that she decides to do. It is just SOOOO insane - how she can jusify her shortcomings using that reasoning, and yet yell and scream at Marshal and I for what she believes is us using that same reasoning, even when we aren't.

I am not sure what to do at this point, but I did promise Marshal that I will set up a counselling appointment for us all the next time she is in town. In fact, I am going to send her an email about that right now. I have dropped the ball on that, and I don't want to let an opportunity like that pass by. I only hope that she will actually go to the darn thing when I get it set up. Lord help me! And Marshal.....

Mommie Dearest

Last night, Mom called from South Dakota, and we were talking about how things are going up there. She has been staying with Irene while she undergoes chemotherapy, and was mentioning that she was going to take some time "off" this weekend and go stay with Kathy and Clayton in Belle Fourche. I told her that I thought that was a great idea, that Kathy was such a positive person, and that I had always enjoyed her company.

Well, to my surprise, something about saying that Kathy was 'positive' set my mom off, and she embarked on a tirade. Obviously, my mentioning that about Kathy meant that I thought that she and Marshal weren't positive, and that I was not thankful for anything they had ever done for me (?) She went on to lecture me that things were different for her, because Kathy was her little sister, and it was SHE who had helped and comforted Kathy all these years - not the other way around. I tried to back away from the statement, saying that I was only trying to relate to her, and that I thought it would be good for her to stay with Kathy for a few days to get some inspiration and comfort, but she was not having it. I had insulted her and everything she stood for, and she was going to let me know all about it.

Now, to be completely honest, I did throw in a comment or 2 that, in hindsight, I could have left out. I mentioned that I had alwaays loved being Kathy, Davey, and Grandma because they always accepted me no matter what I looked like or where I was in my life. Now, to me, a normal person would not have any problem with a statement like that. But because, I believe, she feels so much gult for always judging me by my appearance, my mom feels horrible about it. And rather than change - or even try to change - the way she looks at things, or get some counselling to help her do that, she lashes out. And that is what she did last night. It was just so insane. I actually found myself saying that to her last night - "you are absolutely crazy." I have tried to never say things like that, but last night, I just couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth; what she was saying was totally insane.

I thought about writing her an email, stating my position and pointing out those areas where she was just dead wrong, but then I thought better of it. She is very upset right now because of what Irene is going through, and I don't want to introduce any more drama or pain into her life, even though she thinks that's what I want to do. I am not really sure what to do at this point, and I think that sometimes the best thing to do when that is the case is nothing at all. Especially with my mom. At this point, I don't think she is actually capable of really taking in anything I would say or write to her anyway, so why waste the effort? Besides, I would only be regurgitating things I have said a thousand times before.

I think I am just going to have to accept that, for whatever reason, my mom will never get any real help for herself. I am not sure why it is so hard for her to just do something about it. I mean, she got VA medical coverage - she get all the counselling she wants. But that's the thing - she doesn't want any. Well, I am not going to ask her about it anymore.

Last night, she went off about how she has been saying for years that if Marshal and I set up a family appt at a counselor, she will go, but we never do because we are just such liars. And so I thought to myself, why haven't I done it? And then, becuase of something she said, it occurred to me. She had mentioned that she thought the reason we had never done it is because we were afraid that the counsellor would tell us that we were wrong, and she was right; that we had issues, and she didn't. And then it came to me - yes, the counsellor proably would tell us we have issues, because we do, BUT WE BOTH ALREADY ADMIT THAT. It is mom who is not willing to admit it. And counselling is not about figuring out who is right and who is wrong - it is about discovering those things that need healing, and confronting them head on so we can get past them. And I just don't think my mom is committed to a program of healing. What good would it do to go to one lousy appt with the 3 of us, if she is unwilling to do anything else on her own?

And maybe she is afraid to go to one alone. Maybe she is afraid of what they will say, and knows that if we are there with her, she can deflect to us instead of facing anything about herself. In any case, I will always love my mom, and I honestly want her to be happy, don't want to cause her any pain. But I have separate myself emotionally from her crazy thoughts, because they are just that - crazy. I am grateful to finally be at a point in my life where I can see that for what it is and not let it get me down. Thank God for healing and progress.