I just have to say this somewhere, so I am saying it here, loud and clear : I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH DEBBIE!!! Like head over heels, can't stop thinking about her, she has everything mentally AND physically I have ever wanted, have literally felt like I am in a romantic comedy in love. Last night, we met at Borders again, and I can honestly say that there were things that happened that were so awesome - I mean things that could only (or so I thought) happen in one of those movies. The best one of those was when we were kissing goodbye, and we had started to walk away from each other for the third or fourth ot fifth time, and all of a sudden, she turned back, ran towards me, and literally jumped on me! It was so, so - awesome! It wasn't some lustful type jump, but more of a "I'm crazy about you and don't want to let you go" type of jump. She even smacked my face a little on accident, and I said something that sounded totally like out of a movie; I said "Girl you are crazy! And as long as you are crazy about me, it's all good" or something like that.
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track
Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Yet....? Uh oh - first bumps in this new road
Ealier today I was thinking about writing another post, but thought it would be rather redundant to just say again "things are wonderful." And it's probably a good thing I didn't, as I now have something much more interesting to write about.
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Haven't messed up yet! haha
Ok, so that could be seen as a negative title. But, I look at it like this : for once, I am seeing that the person most responsible for all the breakups I have encountered is no one other than me. I used to like to say or think that I truly believed that, but I don't know that I ever accepted at a deep level within myself. Now, as I look back, I can see that more often than not - if not every single time - it was my issues, and not the ladies' that led to the demise of the relationships. So by making the funny statement that I did for the title is a fun way for me to acknowledge that and remind myself that everything is going well - it is for me to "mess up" or not. One would think that this realization would be a given, considering the fact that every breakup I have ever had, with the one exception being my marriage, was initiated by me. D'oh!
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
One step closer to the dream...
Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.
So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.
On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good. (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)
Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!
Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dare I say it - dream girl...?
That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!
Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.
On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!
After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.
Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.
In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers, has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.
So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.
Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )
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