A breakthrough - maybe

I had to add the little "maybe" to the end of my title there, because if there is anything I have learned in the dating game this far - at least the Internet one anyway - it is to never be too certain of anything. What seems like a sure thing can be a mirage, and counting on something to work out well can be setting myself up for disappointment. I need to remind myself of these things not to be negative and pessimistic about it, but to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground and not get my expectations up too high as I have so often done in the past when it comes to dating. Ok - now that we've covered that, on to the "meat" of this post...

So Saturday, I went and met this woman at Unlimited Coffee that I met through POF. We had been messaging back and forth, and she mentioned that she was working on a business plan, and that she needed someone to help her with a website. I had told her about me being a developer, and she mentioned that maybe we could meet up some time to talk about it. I thought that was awesome, as it provided an in, BUT, I was also hesitant, because I thought maybe that's all she wanted to meet for - to talk about the website, and that there was no real interest in me as a dating possibility.

We met Saturday at 2pm, and to my relief, we started talking about all kinds of stuff right off the bat. I found her to be very attractive (especially considering my "type") and I couldn't help but think how much she reminded me of Tina, especially the way her hair was. I was, and am, very attracted to her. The conversation flowed very easily, and it was pretty evident that this woman is very intelligent, very self-aware, and totally comfortable with herself. We talked about everything from kids, to quantum physics, to Freud, philosophy and dreams. After about 2 and a half hours, she said she should really get going, and I thought I ought too as well. As she getting her stuff packed, I asked her if there was any chance we might be able to go on an actual date sometime, to which she replied "Sure! Where do you want to go?"

I was actually a little flabbergasted, partly because I really didn't expect her to say yes (I couldn't completely read her, and Lord knows I have read women wrong before!) and partly because I was so attracted to her, that I was ecstatic inside, and caught in the moment - that glorious "Yes" moment that us single people live for. I told that I thought we could do just about anything and enjoy it because of the great convo we had and that I would think it over. She said ok and asked (actually, kind of 'directed') me to walk her to her car, which I thought was awesome. She gave me a nice hug, and I walked home pretty stoked about it all.

But not ecstatic, and I was - and am - glad about that.Too many times I have gotten SOOOO excited after a first meeting, that I totally set myself for a heart-wrenching disappointment if things didn't work out. Or, on the flip side, I sucked a woman in very close to me because of my passion, only to find out later that the initial excitement I felt in the beginning was just that - initial excitement - and that after a couple of weeks, I wasn't so excited to be with the person anymore. So it isn't really being pessimistic for me, which is something I really try to avoid because of how my mom is - it is being realistic, maintaining balance, and keeping my priorities straight instead of letting the obsession take hold of me. Wow - did I just right that? More importantly - did I MEAN it? I think I did! Yippeeeee!

So there is an opportunity on the horizon. And I am looking forward to exploring it, keeping in mind that the exploration may turn up a wonderful find, a treasure of untold value; and then again, the exploration may turn up something completely different. The important thing is to simply enjoy the exploration for what it is, knowing that someday, when the time is right, and the Universe/my HP determines that both of us are ready, I will meet that "special someone", and she will meet me. Is Wendy that person? I don't know. But I am going to let time by the instrument by which that is determined, and not my codependent obsessiveness. And I am going to let my HP be the 'decider' of that instead of my 'broken picker'. I am going to be patient, trusting, and easy on myself. And you know what? It's about time! Lol :)P

Same-o same-o

Well, I have not yet heard back from miss "tantric" yet, and am not sure if I ever will. I sent her what I thought was a very thoughtful response, and I know she looked at it because on POF, you can check the status of messages you have sent to see if they have been read or are still unread. It was read, but no response. I sent her another message today, basically asking her to tell me if she wants me to lay off. So we'll see what happens.

The last few times I have been on the site, I have noticed that there don't seem to be too many more interesting women to send messages to. So I guess I will probably just kick back now and see if anything materializes from it or not. I was talking at lunch today about the fact that I think women on those type of sites can be extremely choosy, because there are probably 10 guys for every woman on there. Not to mention the fact that if they are attractive at all, they probably get inundated with emails, so they can filter arbitrarily by appearance, height, interests, etc. But I filter by all of those same things too (well, not interests so much) so I can't really complain, right? Lol

I was thinking about going to a meditation "meetup" tonight that I found on Meetups.com, but I am so broke I think I will wait til next week so I have at least a little something to give for a "love offering." Instead, I will probably end up doing some laundry instead - weeeeee! Then tomorrow, I have my appt. with Diana, and that should be good. I am started to get a little - although not very - frustrated with the whole "dating" thing again. Why can't the universe just give me one more good one - one more chance, so I can do the right thing, and be the man I want to be for a partner? Why why why... all I can do is ask why, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be ok; and that I am constantly working to improve myself mentally, spiritually and physically, so when it does finally happen, I might actually feel like I deserve it! Ha ha!

Still hangin' in there!

I have been doing such a good job of keeping my blog updated, I thought I would post just a brief snippet for today. Things on POF were VERY quiet this weekend. In fact, I didn't get even one message Saturday or Sunday. I didn't let it get to me at all though. I had a nice weekend with the kids, although Tessi was sicker than a dog with stomach flu Saturday night. She said she and Autumn had stayed up til like 5am, so it was no surprise that she got sick - she almost always does after staying up so late like that. Galen and I watched some good movies together (Tess joined in for the "From Paris with Love").

I had fun bowling Saturday night with my newly found team and league. It is a very diverse group of people - all ages, ethnicities, styles - and I really like it. I was thinking Saturday night that it is much better to be on that night instead of Sunday like the old league was. I feel like getting out on Saturday nights usually, and now I can, and do. On the other hand, I don't really feel like going anywhere Sunday night, and would rather stay home and relax. So it works out perfectly.

I did get a message from someone on POF late last night (saw it this morning when I got to work). It is from a woman named Wendy (username 'Tantricdish' - sounds yummy to me! Lol). She sounds very interesting - intelligent, well educated, strawberry blonde hair - and she sent me a reply asking me to tell her about who I am and what I am looking for in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question, so I sent her a pretty thoughtful reply. If things go the way they have been, I may never even hear from her again. But, I am not giving up faith, and in any case, it was a good exercise in self-awareness, trying to think of how to explain to someone else who I am.

Life is pretty darned good right now, I must admit. Other than CRAVING some good lovin' (oh, and by the way - she lives up to her username in her profile, stating that any man she dates must have a strong libido - got that one covered!). I am happy, healthy, content at work, and generally enjoying life. As far as the woman situation, I am still actively seeking, but without the desperation and thoughts of failure when things don't work out with a certain woman, or they don't write back. I figure the Universe knows what it is doing, and I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to as long as I keep doing the footwork. Gee - that sounds familiar - wonder where I came up with that one??? ha ha ha!

Hungry for lovin'

Ok - what I am now experiencing now, at this moment, this day, is not desperation in the sense of "Oh, I need a girlfriend SO badly!!!" No, that is not it - not at all. Oh, I am desperate all right, but more along these lines : "OMG - I am DYING to have some GREAT SEX with a woman!!!! Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!" Ha ha! Yes, that is what I am feeling right now. I suppose I should say thinking, to be "psycholgically correct", but believe me - I am feeling it too.

Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.

My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.

Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.

Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)

A Dating Lull

Well, what started out like gangbusters, the whole POF dating thang, has now slowed to a real lull. Out of the last several messages I've sent out, I've only gotten one or 2 replies. And after sending those few another message, I have gotten nothing back. I met with Dana last night, and though she was sweet, she was a bit bigger - heavier - than I thought she would be. She was nice though, so I am thinking I would still like to see her again. We only got to meet for less than an hour last night, as she had to go pick her dad up from the doctor. I texted her this morning to see how that went and she has not yet texted back. But it's ok - I am not really concerned, as I don't think there is a realistic possibility of us getting together. I want someone who is in better shape.

So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?

Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.

I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.

So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!

Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity

Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.

This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.

But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.

For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....

You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.

So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!

Following my own rules

I am sitting here trying, with all my strength, to avoid emailing or texting Dana. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday afternoon after exchanging emails in the morning and received some pretty short, curt replies. I didn't hear anything from her after the last one, at about 5pm or so, so I decided to just lay off a bit and not contact her again until she shows some interest from her end. It turns out that is much harder than I thought it would, or should be! Lol

But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.

As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.

It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.

So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.

And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )